I wish I could remember what it was that set me off so bad last April/May. Something really brought me down and I was at the lowest point that I'd ever been in my life.
Today I felt the same.
I laughed about it so much when I first saw... and then as the day turned to night, I realized something in me wasn't right. I'm not sure what I was feeling earlier... jealousy? Hate? Loneliness? Defeat? Perhaps a mix of those. I talked to Heather and Jamie about it a little, but they were only adding fuel to my fire of anger. Then when I told Forrest about it, he slapped me in the face, so to speak. Which is good, because it really opened my eyes. He had a point, though. Maybe these feelings were mutual.
I don't know. Usually whenever something pertaining to this subject is on my mind, I go pick up that paintbrush and work on the painting from last November. I hope to finish it one day. No one will understand what it means to me, though. No one will grasp why I started it, how I changed it, and why I continue to work on it and make it perfect. It's been 7 months, I know, but it's been a really long and hard 7 months.
Things are finally shaping up in my favor, but if I could have everything the old way, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I don't know. I sat here earlier and drew back on lots of words that were said. I can remember them perfectly. It's gonna haunt me, and I really need to stop this. I need a great distraction.
xx No Last Words To Say, Only Memories Remain, A Farewell Then, My Path Goes Forever On Marz
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