Goodbye 2013

Every year I do a little recap at the end of December to see what I was up to for the last 12 months, but 2013 doesn't need one.

Also this might be a good time to start paying my final respects to this blog. It's been my rock all through high school, but lately, I've become such an introvert that I can't let anything out. I don't know, I might use this randomly, but it's safe to say it's just not what it used to be for me anymore.

I sit here with one sock on and one sock off.

xx The Same Old Dead Boy's Song Sung In Silence Marz

JUST FINISHED BOOK FEELS

Wow.

I just finished Brothers to the Death, which is the last book in the Larten Crepsley saga. I just... wow. The story of his life before he met Darren was just amazing. So much love, loss, blood, adventures, and relationships. It's no wonder he's a grumpy, solemn vampire.

It was so exciting learning about the other vampires, like Gavner and Arra. I got all excited when Kurda was mentioned because TIMETRAVELPLOTTWISTCHARACTER. Wester was an interesting character and I knew he'd die because there's no mention of him in CDF and the book's title alluded to him probably dying... but I think I lost my shit on the last few pages, when Mr. Crepsley inherited Madame Octa and began performing with her. Then he sees Steve and Darren and realized that the two boys in the audience would change his life forever.

Just... so many feelings. Cirque du Freak is definitely the best series I've ever read and having a prequel series featuring one of my favorite fictional characters of all time was an absolute joy. I'm SO excited to get my first six books in so I can reread the series and enjoy the magic again. The rush I get from reading those books just fills me with excitement and obsession. I wish I knew someone who's read them so that I could gush with someone other than myself!

MR CREPSLEY, EVEN IN DEATH MAY YOU BE TRIUMPHANT!

xx The Blood In My Vampire Heart Marz

Hello Blogger, My Old Friend

I've come to talk to you again, because a bad mood softly creeping left its funk while I was almost sleeping...

Nah but for real blog, hey. You're like a sweatshirt that's at the bottom of the pile, but still smells clean. You're like a five year old that remembers everything. Like the perfect, most nonjudgmental friend. I guess I haven't been keeping up with you because I've been seeking happy nights to happy days.... nah, this isn't Shakespeare. If it was, I'd probably be coming close to the end of my time.

A blog, diary, journal, whatever, is a special place where I like to write in when I'm completely alone and don't have the anxiety of someone asking me what I'm typing. This guy has been here for me so often... It's funny, because while I'm typing this, I'm sitting on the floor of my old bedroom, exactly where my bed used to be about five or six years ago and exactly where I'd be blogging. Things kind of feel the same... the same posters, a few pieces of the same furniture, and that goddamn Christmas tree.

I don't know what I'm getting at. I guess I feel flat and empty, kind of hopeless, kind of dreading something, a weird burning hole in my stomach, comfort eating, lack of desire to talk to anyone... nothing new. Like I know I've been cycling pretty rapidly the last few weeks, but DAMN. I'm ready for a break back to a few weeks of things being generally good. More on the middle-up side of the scale. Not this crappy shit end of the scale.

What are my character flaws? I'm jealous and selfish, an attention-seeker, a praise-seeker, lazy and inverted, snarky, bitter, silently critical, constantly questioning, general disdain for anyone appearing overly cheerful.

I need to paint now. I've been needing to paint since about 11. What a familiar setting: my bedroom, and a painting of a stormy ocean with a girl on a rock. It's comfortable, easy to relate to, and not totally provocative. Time to dig deep into the blue memory, where sirens resound, to be tucked in beneath the blue, the pain, beneath the rain.

xx Lonely Soul, Ocean Soul Marz

Happy Halloween

Sometimes things can be magical. When I wear my ren dress, I AM a princess. I revel in the fact that my skirts flutter around me when I walk and that my hands are covered in frills. Even walking from my car to the apartment is like a walk across vast palace gardens, or a palazzo just for me.

That dress isn't just a dress. It takes me to a happier place where windmills are giants and everyone knows how to dance at lavish feasts. No one dances anymore; isn't that a shame?



Ahhhh. Wouldn't it be nice if dreams came true? Sometimes things can be magical.

xx And I Kissed His Cold White Brow Marz

Tom And I Have Something In Common

While Tom was suffering from darkness and dementia, he regressed to childhood in his mind. I love the "DAFUQ IS THAT?" look on his face.

Well. Tom and I have something in common. Bring on the castles and kings, musicals and monologues, accents and... warm fuzzy feelings.

Cosplay vs Studio Art vs Where Am I

Hello blog, you look a little dusty. Let me clean you off and show you a good time. I haven't been blogging allll that much due to general life and always being busy. Like there's always something to do and never a single moment when I can stop and go, "Yeah, I don't have anything to do right now."

So lately I've been trying to focus all my time and thought to my paintings and metals projects. When I'm not slaving away on those, I'm cleaning something. The kitchen never is finished. There's always a lot of dishes left to do, especially between the broken dishwasher and just how many dishes seem to get used in a night. I guess I've been playing the part of the average art student...

But then there are nights when I hang out at Heather and Sumner's and I go back into cosplay mode because, well, they're in it 80% of the time. I miss being able to do that. I miss being able to browse fabric and style wigs and glue things together and just work. And yet when I devote a lot of my time to cosplay, I get sad that I'm not devoting as much time to personal art. It's like I can never win.

And while all that's going on, everyone is going batshit crazy and I'm having mood swings out the wazoo and the world is falling apart and I'm constantly reminded that I'm the destroyer of our universe. I managed to do the one thing I wasn't supposed to do and am eternally a piece of shit for ruining everything. Everything is my fault and there's no amount of repentance I could ever possibly do to make up for it.

I remember going to confession twice in my life. Once, I was really young and had nothing to confess before my First Communion. The second time, I did something that upset my parents (Might have been lying or disrespect), and I remember sitting in that weird room between the narthex and the sacristy with Deacon Phil. I have no memory of what we even talked about, but I remember staring at the box of tissues and hearing him tell me to say five Hail Marys and think on my sins. Now of course, none of this has any real significance since I don't have a Catholic bone in my body, but the idea remains. All I had to do to atone for those sins were to say a few words and automatically my sins were lifted. But what am I supposed to do now?

There are no magic words or imaginary people to pretend to wash my troubles away. It's all on me. Do I live out my life in shame and guilt? Do I accept it and push it away? Do I accept it and keep it floating around? None of that matters, because none of them are the correct answer. The more I think about these problems, the more terrified I get and the more open I am to escapes that I don't want. I don't hate myself for doing it, but I do hate myself for hurting the most important person in my life.

Busy Week!

So mobile blogging is a paaaaiinnn. I can't wait to have real internet! It's gonna be a busy week, since I have Crow stuff to do tomorrow, and I'm not sure what Tuesday is, but Wednesday is the first day of junior year! I feel so done, yet so behind. I still need to unpack my life here at the apartment!

What's life been like? It's been nightly hangouts with Heather, Sumner, and Dorian. Like three nights in a row now. I'm not complaining, cause we have fuuunnnnn. Asylum is a fantastic show! I'm so excited to watch it end tomorrow.

What's life been like... I've had more daily mood cycling versus weekly cycling, which I'm not sure is good or bad. I guess it's bad in the sense that smaller things throughout the day set me off, but can also pick me up just the same. I've noticed a lot of weird ticks too, like moving my fingers weird and having strangely spaced out thoughts. Not to mention my stomach is horribly upset. It makes me hungry, but I can only eat a little bit, and so I never get a full meal really. Womp womp.

Although I have gotten really good at weeding out the ridiculous thoughts versus the rational ones. Basically, I just ask myself if mom would have said what I just thought and if it's a yes, then I need to look at the rational version of the thought! Easy trick that keeps me from turning crazy :P

It's 4:21 am and I'm wide awake. This can't be good!

xx Your Past Is So Familiar Marz

What Does It Matter.

Let's open up with the spoken lyrics of El Tango de Roxanne from Moulin Rouge. That sums up tonight, doesn't it.

"First there is desire
Then... passion!
Then... suspicion! 
Jealousy! Anger! Betrayal! 
Where love is for the highest bidder,
There can be no trust! 
Without trust,
There is no love!
Jealousy. 
Yes, jealousy... 
Will drive you... mad!"

Why do I even try. I was dishonest once and it destroyed everything. When I'm honest now, nothing seems to ever be okay. I feel like I can't win or even find anything to sacrifice so that I lose. I'm tired of crying, then feeling content and loved, then going back to crying again. It's like the girl in the movie said earlier, being schizo or bipolar is one of the hardest things in a relationship. I just have no idea what to do if there isn't any trust in me. That was probably the most hurtful thing I've heard in months. I have no idea where to go from here.

Belle's Ball Gown

So for the last two days, I've been researching hoop skirts and ball gowns, petticoats and slips, all sorts of fabrics and rushing styles... I'm so ready to make Belle's ball gown! I've decided exactly how I'm going to construct the dress so that it doesn't look gross and bunchy like people make it. I don't understand why they use such small panels and then when they ruche it, it just looks so gross. And they use taffeta! Noooo! And they make it an A-line, or don't use a hoop skirt...

My dress will start with a five hoop hoop skirt. I'll build up a nice petticoat out of tulle to make it poofy and hide the hoops, with a pretty lace trim on the bottom hem. The gown itself will be made of a bright gold satin with a lighter chiffon skirt overlay that is lightly draped along the vertical seams. The bodice will be a darker yellow satin with draped chiffon sleeves. The skirt swags will be a darker gold chiffon. Matching sleeves.

Nothing will make me happier than when I have the time and money to make this. Although I've budgeted it well enough that it won't be so expensive as it seems it should be. Hell, if it looks nice enough, I'll wear it to my wedding. Then I have to make her blue dress, and the green dress, and the pink one and the Christmas one... SO MANY. I LOVE THAT SHE WEARS FIVE DRESSES.

xx I Wonder Why I Didn't See It There Before Marz

Sad Batman Is Sad

No idea why that popped into my head, but it did. Good news is my wigs came in today and I had fun styling them. Bad news is those two high school memories are bugging me, which is filling me with dread because my gut has an odd idea of life right now. In a way, no matter what happens, I know I'll be okayishsortofnotreally.

Maybe I'm freaking myself out for no reason. Like that's never happened. At the same time, everything feels justified and totally plausable. It's the uncertainty.

xx Come What May I Will Love You Til My Dying Day Marz

I Need To Stop Posting Mopey Things

Cause no one wants to read that shit, and I don't like reading that shit when I look back at my posts.

Soooooo what's going on in my life. I'm sewing Sailor Mars and packing up Yellow House. I can't believe it's time to say goodbye to it in two days. Wednesday is our last day together and after that... maaaan. Maybe I should carve creepy things into the floor boards. I loved and hated the house, so it's probably for the best that it's time to say bye. Where the hell will I park now... I guess in the neighborhoods?

Test time in two days. And again with the wrenching anxiety, I'm sure. Why wouldn't there be horrible anxiety! I'm just not mentally checked into this class and I'm having a hard time even trying to be remotely interested. I just want to pass... so far I'm sitting at a 78, which is good. It could always be worse, but it's good.

What will I do this week... sit around and wish I was sewing, probably. Might do some writing, or sketching, or something that I can do with my hands. Or hell, sit in the VF chatrooms all day and night.

When I drive to Denton tomorrow, I'll be listening to Kidd Kraddick in the Morning, but there will be no Kidd. I don't believe in an afterlife, but the legacy he left behind is incredible. I can't think of too many other people who will be remembered as highly as him. Mornings just won't be the same... I listened to him every morning when I used to drive to high school, and all the other mornings that I was awake early enough for. I downloaded the app so I could listen in the afternoon when he was off the air. It's just hard to believe.

xx Flappy, Fat, And Lazy Marz

Test Anxiety?

I've never really had text anxiety. I'm usually pretty cool with tests and take them as they come and tend to do pretty alright.

But tonight? I feel like absolute shit and I have a feeling most of it is related to tomorrow's test. Maybe it's because I'm not familiar with the content. Shareholders, railway systems, industrialization, court cases... it's just not something I feel comfortable with. I'd rather take a 5,000 question art history exam.

I'm just generally sad feeling. It's a bummer, but whatever. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. What am I singing tonight...




xx Still They Talk Anyway Marz

So This Is Life

Just when things seem perfect, I always find that something falls out of place and wrecks it all. All sorts of things. And then there's this particular anxious feeling that I'm all too familiar with, from feeling it most of my life.

There's a lot to do. I don't know where to start it all. I could start with my desk, and expand outwards. Or start in the very back and work my way up to the desk. It's all the same.



I think I know how you feel, Aldonza.

xx So You Can Curse Or You Can Kiss Me Marz

I Wish I Could Sing

Shit. My throat's always hoarse.

xx Let Down Your Guards Marz

Anxiety Over Nothing

Welp it's official, I'm in an anxious rut of anxiety about everything. About asking for utilities money, about checking the messages on my phone, about seeing people, about going home, about my rabbits, about everything. I just can't stop worrying. Oh, there's also the fact that I don't have a job and there's costumes to do.

And then of course, there's always a good uncomfortable memory every so often.

Gah. I just want to go to Seattle and forget about everything. I'm even having weird airport anxiety, what's up with that? Everything is bugging me. It's probably why I haven't been eating lately... I'm just not hungry when I should be. It's like I've replaced being hungry with being worried.

How do I fix it?

xx All Children Young To Slay Marz

I Can Only Hope

That one day when I have kids that they open up my art books and look at them. They don't have to like them, but I'd love it if they did. I want them to see old art and new art, and understand the different styles and oh God, if I could have little artists, I'd just die. I still remember the day I was at that house with my mom, and I was looking through an art book and saw the October page from Tres Riches Heures and I've been hooked ever since then. That made me love old art. And sitting in my lap is the Belles Heures, which is another similar book of hours commissioned by the same Duc de Berry. It's just amazing to see how nothing's changed in the last 3/4 of my life.

It's like, if you opened up this book, you'd see the things that just blow me away and capture my attention. It's like all my secrets are in this book, and they're not even mine. It's kind of special in a way, having books, but no one knows what's in them, only you. And then there's the discovery when you actually open the book. Oh God, I love it. I hope I have kids as curious as I was.

xx By His Decree No Lives Spare He Marz

GO HOME LITLE GIRL

WHY DOES SHE GET TO SIT ON TUOMAS'S LAP?! WHY CAN'T I DO IT. I DON'T EVEN FANGIRL OVER HIM, BUT JESUS CHRIST, OH HOW I'D GIVE MY EVERYTHING TO SIT ON HIS LAP AND PLAY PIANO WITH THE MASTER PLAYER.

xx Rest Calm And Remember Me Marz

Cirque Du Freak Has My Heart

I don't know why I did it, but I started looking up Mr. Crepsley things on dA and tumblr and holy shit, I'm in love again. I can't even describe my love for that character. If I had to pick two fictional characters to have as bodyguards, it'd be Mr. Crepsley and Faust VIII in a heartbeat. I need to get the first six books with these covers! KILLERS OF THE DAWN WILL FOREVER BE ONE OF THE ONLY BOOKS I'VE EVER CRIED AT.

xx You Have Shown Me The Sky Marz

Nightwishy Night!

I sat down not really knowing what to do, so I threw on Imaginaerum while I drew a girl. Oh God, that movie is just amazing. So many feelingsssssss. The girl eventually turned into Cadence when it came time to dress her, and I still can't get the damn nose right. Oh well.

Looks like Anette is selling her stage and photoshoot clothes, which is a shame but still really neat, especially since she's donating some of the money to charities. Sadly she only ships in the EU or else I'd seriously try to buy something that was on the body of Anette!

It's late, so I should try to sleep now.

xx But Needed Nothing It Had Marz

If I Could Have Dinner

Not that I wouldn't have dinner as it is, but if I had the option to have dinner with fabulous figures from history, it'd go something like this.

Dante and Goethe would flank me at this marvelous dinner and we would talk about religious reformation and personal enlightenment. Johann Struensee would sit next to Goethe, and Marie Antoinette would sit next to him, and they can talk about royal affairs. I think Catherine Howard would like to sit next to her. On the other side of Dante would sit da Vinci, and next to him Botticelli. I'd but Cervantes next to Dante, but putting a Spaniard in between two Italians sounds dangerous, so Cervantes will sit next to Botticelli. Thomas More will sit next to Cervantes and talk about seeing life as it is and not as it should be.

I feel like I might be forgetting someone important. Hm. Well my table is large and so there will be room for everyone.

xx With Songs They Have Sung Marz