What Does It Matter.

Let's open up with the spoken lyrics of El Tango de Roxanne from Moulin Rouge. That sums up tonight, doesn't it.

"First there is desire
Then... passion!
Then... suspicion! 
Jealousy! Anger! Betrayal! 
Where love is for the highest bidder,
There can be no trust! 
Without trust,
There is no love!
Jealousy. 
Yes, jealousy... 
Will drive you... mad!"

Why do I even try. I was dishonest once and it destroyed everything. When I'm honest now, nothing seems to ever be okay. I feel like I can't win or even find anything to sacrifice so that I lose. I'm tired of crying, then feeling content and loved, then going back to crying again. It's like the girl in the movie said earlier, being schizo or bipolar is one of the hardest things in a relationship. I just have no idea what to do if there isn't any trust in me. That was probably the most hurtful thing I've heard in months. I have no idea where to go from here.

Belle's Ball Gown

So for the last two days, I've been researching hoop skirts and ball gowns, petticoats and slips, all sorts of fabrics and rushing styles... I'm so ready to make Belle's ball gown! I've decided exactly how I'm going to construct the dress so that it doesn't look gross and bunchy like people make it. I don't understand why they use such small panels and then when they ruche it, it just looks so gross. And they use taffeta! Noooo! And they make it an A-line, or don't use a hoop skirt...

My dress will start with a five hoop hoop skirt. I'll build up a nice petticoat out of tulle to make it poofy and hide the hoops, with a pretty lace trim on the bottom hem. The gown itself will be made of a bright gold satin with a lighter chiffon skirt overlay that is lightly draped along the vertical seams. The bodice will be a darker yellow satin with draped chiffon sleeves. The skirt swags will be a darker gold chiffon. Matching sleeves.

Nothing will make me happier than when I have the time and money to make this. Although I've budgeted it well enough that it won't be so expensive as it seems it should be. Hell, if it looks nice enough, I'll wear it to my wedding. Then I have to make her blue dress, and the green dress, and the pink one and the Christmas one... SO MANY. I LOVE THAT SHE WEARS FIVE DRESSES.

xx I Wonder Why I Didn't See It There Before Marz

Sad Batman Is Sad

No idea why that popped into my head, but it did. Good news is my wigs came in today and I had fun styling them. Bad news is those two high school memories are bugging me, which is filling me with dread because my gut has an odd idea of life right now. In a way, no matter what happens, I know I'll be okayishsortofnotreally.

Maybe I'm freaking myself out for no reason. Like that's never happened. At the same time, everything feels justified and totally plausable. It's the uncertainty.

xx Come What May I Will Love You Til My Dying Day Marz

I Need To Stop Posting Mopey Things

Cause no one wants to read that shit, and I don't like reading that shit when I look back at my posts.

Soooooo what's going on in my life. I'm sewing Sailor Mars and packing up Yellow House. I can't believe it's time to say goodbye to it in two days. Wednesday is our last day together and after that... maaaan. Maybe I should carve creepy things into the floor boards. I loved and hated the house, so it's probably for the best that it's time to say bye. Where the hell will I park now... I guess in the neighborhoods?

Test time in two days. And again with the wrenching anxiety, I'm sure. Why wouldn't there be horrible anxiety! I'm just not mentally checked into this class and I'm having a hard time even trying to be remotely interested. I just want to pass... so far I'm sitting at a 78, which is good. It could always be worse, but it's good.

What will I do this week... sit around and wish I was sewing, probably. Might do some writing, or sketching, or something that I can do with my hands. Or hell, sit in the VF chatrooms all day and night.

When I drive to Denton tomorrow, I'll be listening to Kidd Kraddick in the Morning, but there will be no Kidd. I don't believe in an afterlife, but the legacy he left behind is incredible. I can't think of too many other people who will be remembered as highly as him. Mornings just won't be the same... I listened to him every morning when I used to drive to high school, and all the other mornings that I was awake early enough for. I downloaded the app so I could listen in the afternoon when he was off the air. It's just hard to believe.

xx Flappy, Fat, And Lazy Marz

Test Anxiety?

I've never really had text anxiety. I'm usually pretty cool with tests and take them as they come and tend to do pretty alright.

But tonight? I feel like absolute shit and I have a feeling most of it is related to tomorrow's test. Maybe it's because I'm not familiar with the content. Shareholders, railway systems, industrialization, court cases... it's just not something I feel comfortable with. I'd rather take a 5,000 question art history exam.

I'm just generally sad feeling. It's a bummer, but whatever. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. What am I singing tonight...




xx Still They Talk Anyway Marz

So This Is Life

Just when things seem perfect, I always find that something falls out of place and wrecks it all. All sorts of things. And then there's this particular anxious feeling that I'm all too familiar with, from feeling it most of my life.

There's a lot to do. I don't know where to start it all. I could start with my desk, and expand outwards. Or start in the very back and work my way up to the desk. It's all the same.



I think I know how you feel, Aldonza.

xx So You Can Curse Or You Can Kiss Me Marz

I Wish I Could Sing

Shit. My throat's always hoarse.

xx Let Down Your Guards Marz