Friday Night At Home

Got that Mot Fjerne Land playing, and I'm in bed. Nothing going on, no one to chat with, and just doing some thinking. Oop, now it's Apocalyptica.

I dunno, my head's been a mess of things lately. There's been so much on my mind about everything and everyone and all the things I do or did. I feel guilt, I feel happy, I feel embarrassed, I feel loved, I feel stressed, I feel tired. I wish I could stop thinking all together and just let it all go. Like tonight, Heather and I were supposed to go to the drag show, but we didn't, so I changed into my sweats and decided to paint my belt buckle. Oh God, was that good. I was watching Across The Universe while I did it, and it's been so long since I've seen that that I couldn't even remember which song came next. But then once the song started, I could remember every beat and every camera angle. It's another one of those movies that takes me away.

I dunno, I just feel off. I'm not completely happy, but I'm not really all that down. I'm just mellow, just living day to day and recovering from whatever the last few weeks have been. Things are different now, and I'm not convinced it's all my doing. The universe likes to play games sometimes. Maybe I just made a few bad choices and stayed up a few nights too late. Maybe I shouldn't have distracted myself so much. And there it is, a great big piece of impending doom swaying over my head. Except it's bigger than Damocles' sword or Poe's pendulum ever could have been.

Maybe I just need to start my pills and feel better again.

xx Now I Find I've Changed My Mind And Opened Up The Doors Marz