Still Depressed?!

Ugh, why am I still depressed!

Today was... odd. I dunno. I guess it started in guard, where Scott sat us down and gave us another winterguard chat and reviewed yesterday's work with us. Naturally, I got super discouraged when I couldn't get the ending toss out right :/ It's totally cool when the sucky sophomore can toss perfectly and I can't even get it high enough to not hit me everytime. I need to work harder! I'll get that toss even if I get an arm full of bruises in the process!

Then in math we didn't do anything, except watch a movie about discovering the moon. Bo-ring. I instead pulled out my sketchbook and practiced my writing and drew in the dark. Yes, I have to admit: I'm obsessed with gorgeous penmanship. It's a weird feeling to write when you can't see what you're doing... you feel the words :)

But then art kind of sucked. Shelley was upset with Mrs. K and I got struck with a huge wave of empathy and felt awful for her. Everyone's feeling this terrible burn out :/ I sat down and diligently painted my Lenore memorial, Old Man's Child pounding in my ears, and sadness in my heart. I don't know why I was sad, though. Nothing terribly awful was happening in my life... I was just sad. And I still am. I have a headache and I'm so sleepy and just ready to close my eyes and not wake up til it's time for school. Ideally, not wake up until the late hours of the afternoon, but life's a bitch.

I wish I knew why I'm feeling randomly sad all the time. Maybe it's because it's November, and that was rough for me last year... who knows. I just want this to all go away. I want to jump into my fairytale and never have to come back.

xx Her Spirit Wild, Heart Of A Child, Yet Gentle Still And Quiet And Mild And He Loved Her Marz

Day 7 // Not Retarded (Ok, Maybe A Little Bit) Post

So! Last night was super fun with Ria, Nelson, and James. We seriously went into the most ghetto Mexican part of Dallas for some super amazing tacos... worth it. Totally worth it. Now, I didn't feel safe whatsoever (I doubt the guys could have put up a fight) and all the Mexicans staring us down didn't help. I felt like I was going to get knifed, raped, and carjacked in that order. Still, we got some awesome tacos and watched Mean Girls :)

Today was lazy. Went out to lunch with my dad and we ate at work. Turns out two of my favorite servers are quitting in a matter of days :( They always picked on me and called it "Little Sister Syndrome", since I was like a little sister to them. I'll miss them a lot :( BUT! This means that hopefully Craig will start training me to serve. Woo hoo! I spent the rest of the day working on Opium Poe, which is about as done as it'll ever be. Bahh. I messed it up towards the end.

I can't remember what his name was, but back in 9th grade, a senior on drumline gave me a bunch of CDs, which I though I lost, but turns out they've been on my computer all this time. Dimmu Borgir, Old Man's Child, Emperor, and a Pantera mix tape. Soundtrack of my day <3

I want this for Christmas. I regret not putting it on my Pollyanna list. I wish the green and black one was in stock, because I want a little bit of green. Grey's cool, though.
http://www.skullcandy.com/shop/hesh-shattered-gray.html

So I realized something a few days ago. When I browse Facebook, I see a lot of mushy couple stuff. You know, like when people post statuses (Stati? Ha ha :P) and always throw in something about their sig other. It's cool and all and yay for them, but, and this may sound harsh and I don't mean any offense, but I find myself asking why is it that all those awkward kids are able to find someone to love, and I can't? Ha ha, am I doing something wrong? I know that sounds weird, but it's just always eating at me. I'm a good kid, make good grades, somewhat liked among my peers, got a decent rep going for me, and I'm pretty mature in comparison to a lot of other people my age. So what's up with my short end of the stick? Ha ha, it's just something silly I thought about the other day. Kind of interesting. I mean, I'm totally happy for all those kids that find happiness in one another, but sometimes I wonder why I can't catch a break, too. And I'm sure this sounds totally stuck-up, selfish, immature, and ridiculous, but it was just an observation that made me smile. I don't know where I'm going with this anymore, ha ha. I should just stop now. Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong perspective? Or maybe I'm just going batshit crazy.

Day 7: Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For
My friends, each and every one of you. Anyone who I talk to regularly, you're the reason I live. I live because without you, I'd be lost. I can't just pick one person; it's all of you.

xx And I Long For This Mirrored Perspective When We'll Be Lovers, Lovers At Last Marz

Honestly, I'm Super Bored

Honestly, are you in love right now?
>No, not really.
Honestly, what color is your underwear?
>Black... like my soul.
Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
>How Leigh and I used to have some joke about "Black... like my soul'
Honestly, what are you doing right now?
>This damned survey because it's Sunday and I'm not at church!
Honestly, what did you do today?
>Woke up, showered, then computer.
Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
>Yeah, I think so. I mean, if you don't think you look good, no one else will.
Honestly, have you done something bad today?
>No, I've been good!
Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?
>Hm, not so much anymore, unless a good movie is on.
Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
>At this very moment? No.
Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
>The good natured people I surround myself with. I love you guys.
Honestly, do you bite your nails?
>I used to be REALLY bad about biting until I'd bleed. Now it's super rare and usually just to fix a jagged edge or something.
Honestly, what is your mood right now?
>Apathetic.
Honestly, who do you want to see at this very moment?
>No one really, ha ha. I have a lot of work to get done!
Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
>Doesn't everybody? But I post most of my stuff on here.
Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
>No, I don't hate. Although I might seem like I do, deep down, I can't hate them.
Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
>A guy who gives big bear hugs. Ha ha, I love being extreme.
Honestly, do your wrists hurt?
>Nope.
Honestly, are you in denial?
>I hope not!
Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
>Not really. I'm too hungry. Maybe a sandwich and then sex, ha ha.
Honestly, is it easier to talk on Myspace than in person?
>To a point. But then emotion gets lost and being in person makes everything so much better.
Honestly, does anyone like you?
>Maybe. I'm a heartkiller, so I don't know who I've scared off lately.
Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
>Beats me. Ask them.
Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
>Well I might have delicately worded some of them, but all of the ideas were true, ha ha.

Opium Poe

This weekend, I have to finish this ink piece that I call Opium Poe. It's him chillin' with his pipe and having smoky visions of his stories... cool concept, but I think I'm tackling it the wrong way. I have to figure out a cool background, ha ha. Gotta get back to work...

OH MY GOD. So I got written up for cheating during the SAT today. I guess it's really my fault, though, for not taking the note card out last night when I was packing my things. Of course, my luck would have it fall out of the calculator and while I'm trying to hide it, of course the proctor would see it. I can't tell if the head lady really believed me or if she was pulling good cop/bad cop on me. She gave me hug because I was so distressed :P I don't handle getting in trouble well... I might have a rebellious attitude, but I'm a good kid. Every time the phone rings, I'm afraid it's them calling home to tell my parents.

Speaking of parents. Last night was really nice at Senior Night. Apparently mom left for Illinois in the afternoon and wasn't there to walk me across the field. Dad was there, in his pink shirt :P He'd never stood on the field before and had a good time jumping on the 50. Oh dad, you crack me up. I wish mom could have been there, though, but I understand her going to her dad's funeral.

Ha ha, the Tahoe keeps breaking. New fuel pump cost dad $850... sorry dad. But! He says depending on where I go to school, I might see a new car. I'm thinking a CR-V, because it's big (I need a big car! I can't help it! You can't downsize ;)) and more fuel efficient than my 14 MPG tank. I dunno, we'll see...

I totally had a dream about a 10 string bass guitar last night. I don't remember anything except looking at this mess of strings and then I woke up. This is what happens when you stare at too many pictures of Marco Hietala rocking out :)

Tonight is movie/taco night with my art friends. Apparently it's just Ria, Nelson, James, and I tonight... We're missing three people D: Sad life. Oh well, it'll be interesting! First I need to finish up downloading more Bodom and Gaga.

xx Boys Boys Boys Buy Us Drinks In Bars Marz (Hey, that rhymed! Badass!)

I Met Kat Von D!

Woo hoo! Tonight I ventured out into Dallas with Victor and Heather to go meet Kat Von D! It was awesome... she was awesome! She's so pretty in real life and so nice! She even signed my makeup brushes along with my book <3 Then we got to meet Rooftop and Jeff from the show, too! It was like awesome piled on awesome. Then we got lost downtown and totally drove down one way streets the wrong way... and to top it off, Victor even went out and bought me Kat Von D eyeliner! That was so sweet of him to do that for me.

Now I can say I've met two celebrities in my life :) First Criss Angel, and now Kat! Ahhh it was such a good night!

Oh my gosh, guess what! So this morning we had our senior panoramic picture and we were in a huge line according to height. So Jen and I are sitting there in line with the 5'3" people and I got to thinking. Karl's about that height, if I remember right. Right I was, because he was a bit of a ways in front of me in the line. So we're filing up on the bleachers and ISN'T IT MY LUCK that I got to stand directly in front of him on the lower row of bleachers. How's that for weird?! That and the fact that Asshat Austin (who should have been on like, the top row. The kid's tall as hell) stood like, four feet away from me on the bottom row for some reason. I think it was because he was late or something. Gross.

Oh, and my grandfather died tonight. I never knew the man, and according to my mom, he was a total dick and made her life hell. I guess I should feel sad, but I didn't know the guy, so I can't feel. I suppose I should feel for my mom.

And then today I realized that maybe life isn't so shitty after all. Sure, it's crappy, but maybe I'm just being selfish. It's a problem I have, where I focus too much on the small picture sometimes and less on bigger things. It's weird how I have trouble talking about my problems with my "best friends". Maybe that's a problem in itself, though. Heather would judge. Sarah would be polite but not make me feel better. Jamie would tell me what I don't want to hear. And so I'm terribly thankful to Ian for going above and beyond anything I would have expected. Despite our unorthodox situation, he's still the most understanding and nonjudgmental person I know. Like, he moved me so much that I almost cried a little in math class today. I'm so glad we realized we don't hate each other like we thought we did, ha ha. Life's strange sometimes, isn't it?

xx Could You Ever Kill The Pain In My Heart Even Though They Say Angels Don't Kill Marz

OMG FINALLY HOME.

We rolled into Hebron at about 5:30 AM this morning and had the joy of unloading the buses in a cold drizzle. After dropping Jamie off and buying some saline solution, I think I got home an hour later and went straight to bed. I woke up at 1 PM with a headache and spent the day working on government and bumming around online. I'll write about the weekend later, because I have something else on my mind tonight.

I'm SO SICK of my friends voicing their opinions on guys I choose to talk to. They never seem to approve of anyone I want to text or hang out with. Like this weekend, I was texting David and they're like, "Don't do it, man! Don't get mixed in with him!" Seriously? Why can't I associate myself with who I want to?

Then Ian and I texted a lot this weekend and guess what the friends said? "Ugh, don't talk to him, he's creepy." Screw you all! I want to talk to my friends! Maybe I choose to talk to people like David and Ian because they're not opinionated assholes like my so called best friends.

Like, I'm sorry that I can't be like you guys and have awesome boyfriends and awesome sex lives and sit around and talk about birth control and places we've had sex and dirty things we do. Sorry that I'm always in last place. And seriously, the "Knock On A Virgin!" in place of knock on wood thing is SO old. Thanks for always pointing it out. Sure I laugh about it, but really, it hurts. The pressure is absolutely awful. When everyone was reading Cosmo and telling stories last night, I just got so angry and went to sleep.

And I'm so sick of being called prude. It's not that I'm prude, I just don't have these awesome opportunities like everyone else. Sorry that I'm interested in other things and that sex isn't at the top of my list. God. I'm not like other girls. Why can't my friends see that? I think Sarah finally caught on this morning that I was left out last night, but didn't say much more on that.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just bitter and lonely. I wish a little bit of light would come my way. Cause apparently I'm not a good girlfriend in a relationship, and I'm miserable out of one, so who am I supposed to please?

But it's ok. I've got Children of Bodom and Krypteria to keep me company tonight.

xx Then Again It's Like Being Needled 24/7 Marz

Ok Go Says "And Here It Goes, Here It Goes Again..."

My God, this has been an awkwardly long weekend. But tonight was... fun. So much fun. And it all took me by surprise!

I didn't want to let go.

xx I Should Have Known Marz