New Blogger App

So this is my first post on a new Blogger app. My other one sucked balls and this one had more features and higher ratings. Let's hope it doesn't have an awkward formatting.

On Tuesday, we're supposed to have part two of the newspaper interview, where they're gonna take pictures of me in my workspace. I have a lot of art out already from showing my aunt last week, so that's good. I just have to clean up a tad. I realized that my room is so... weird.

It's an goth kid's dream. Posters from The Crow, Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd, and HIM grace the walls next to a bajillion (ok, only 4) Johnny Depp posters. Hell, the walls and ceiling are painted grey! Black all around: couches, sheets, drapes, shelves, cabinets.

But then there's all the WTF?! crap. Disney figurines, Dunnies, Gundam figures, a mini Christmas tree, a Watched eyeball flag on the window, a freaking Christmas tree made out of lights on my ceiling, a Disney princess lamp, and stuffed animals to begin to describe the madness. I've created a room full of mystery and have turned myself into an enigma. What do you think I am?

xx Bones, Bones, Brittle Little Bones Marz

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Oh My God. Not AGAIN.

I don't know what possessed me to do it. It kind of just happened, like I had no control over what my mouse was clicking on. I had this weird possession to click on Cedric's Facebook and sift through his pictures. I saw many smiling faces of my friends, like Amanda and Graham, and then I saw pictures of another smiling face who made my stomach flip and my mouth stretch wide into a genuine smile.

Karl.

My God, I can't help it. While there were only a few pictures of him working on cars and posing with Hooters girls, I got so excited to see his face again. I never see him at school except for if I pass him in the parking lot. I see him once a week, and it's usually on my Wednesday run to get some lemonade. I don't want to forget him, and I don't want him to forget me.

Frak. Does this mean I'm still not over him? Because I want to be. I want this pain to stop. I'm so tired of feeling this awful guilt for messing things up with him and it's eating me away. Whenever I think back to what happened, it scares me for any future relationships I might get myself into. Am I going to mess it up again?

Part of what went wrong is probably that we just didn't know each other that long. I don't think we had ample time to truly understand our personalities. I mean, he knew that I was free-spirited and I knew that he was analytical and logic-bound, but that's not enough. We didn't learn how to compromise or talk. It's really unfortunate now that I look back. It happened like a fast blur.

I still have the texts from when we were still dating, to when we broke up, to after we had the second talk, to when he said he still thought I was attractive. And even though I have them saved on the computer, I can't bear to delete them. I feel like I'd be deleting the last bit of him that's mine. I wake up everyday and see the roses he gave me by my door. I always see my dress in my closet that I wore to homecoming with him, and when I pick up the shirt I wore on our first date, I smile.

If he did want to date again, I don't know what I'd do. Would I jump on the offer with open arms and an open heart and be the girlfriend I should have been from the start? Or would I decline and tell him "Too bad. You already had your shot with me, and you fed it to the wolves."? I don't know. It scares me that I don't know myself. Sometimes I want to carve my heart out, shove it in a jar, and bury it under the fig tree so that I don't have to feel the pains of love or heartache. I don't want to deal with any of this love nonsense anymore.

xx Her Tears Made Her Swim Beneath The Sea, She's Free Marz

Upon Waking Up

WHAT THE FRAK, MARISSA.
LIKE WHAT THE FRAKING FRAK
ARE YOU DOING?

Mobile Blogging

Is a bitch, but I'm snuggled up in bed and not wanting to open the computer right next to my face.

Today was awesome on top of awesome. I spent most of my day getting lost downtown with Ian, but it was so worth it! That guy's a riot... it's a shame we can't hang out more often. It's so frustrating to have to keep him a secret from my parents, but it's gotta be. I so wish we could have hung out all night long. That would have been great! :)

Came home to find that mom bailed on us again. So after dinner with dad, I went over to Heather's for hot tubbing and watching the 6th Harry Potter movie. It's my favorite one... the music is amazing, and the cinematography blows me away. I'm a sucker for a beautiful blend of Gothic architecture, haunting music, and dramatic, almost romantic, scenes. I fell asleep for a good chunk of the movie, ha ha. It was a fun night with my friends, except for Sarah, because once again, she declined our invite. Oh wahh, you were out all day? So were we!

I dunno. I'm in a really tough divide right now... I don't know where I am in regards to my mental, emotional, and whatever's in between that state of being. It's like a constant battle in my head over making the right choice and I trust my judgement usually, so I'm feeling kind of ok, but still iffy. Not just about one thing, though; there's a lot of things I've tossed into the grey area of my mind to eventually go through. What the hell am I even rambling about anymore... time for sleep.

xx It's Nothing To Cry About, Cause We'll Hold Each Other Soon Marz

Nooooo One Can Help Yoooou!

Ha ha, Tarja's solo album cracks me up. It's like, so wannabe Nightwish, but with a much more rockish sound to it. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it's also amusing on a different level. Tarja's great! I mean, come on, having your hit single be "I Walk Alone" after you got kicked out of Nightwish? ;)

Enough of the Tarja love. This is my first free Friday night of the year! It's weird... like, all the band kids are like, what do we do?! We have a whole night to ourselves where we don't have to be stuck at a crappy football game, freezing our asses off? Luckily, we only had one cold game this year and not a million, like the previous years. I opted out of getting a letter jacket :/ Kind of lame, since I've been collecting patches for my years and now I don't have anything to put them on. It's kind of a waste of $150 for another bulky jacket... I already have my class ring, so I'm good to go. I might put my patches on my blue bag or something... maybe my flag bag? Gotta find something!

OMG, again with the friend bullshit! I didn't ask for your opinion every time I bring up a friend you don't like. Thank God Sarah doesn't bitch. Speaking of shitty friends, I totally made Michael bleed today and gave Gabriel some more marks. That's what you get for tickling me in the cafeteria and causing a scene. I'm ruthless, I can't help it! And ewww gross, Cedric totally creeped when we passed each other on the staircase. Gross. I might go egg his house if he does it again.

And I dunno, I got to thinking. Lately... I feel like I've tried to be something I'm not. I feel like I'm trying to live a lifestyle that's not mine, dressing like someone that might not be me, and doing things that I've never done before. It's that idea of change in my life again. What I was with Anthony I've totally thrown out the window. What I was with Karl is slowly dying, too. And now that I'm on my own, I'm feeling like I should change things up a little and see what happens. Maybe it's not a bad change? It's not much, just little tweaks. It's funny, because my horoscope says that while I'm naturally charming, I might be trying to change something about me to help my chances of someone liking me, and that to do any changes--big or small--would be counterproductive. Hmmmm...

xx With A Knife In The Shape Of Your Mouth Marz

SUCK MY DICK, KARL.

He totally admitted it! "I mean, I'm not gonna lie, you're just as attractive. As when I was dating you. I mean i still have the hots sometimes lol"

Now I don't understand the weird wording, but YEAH. I WIN. SUCK MY DICK.

What The Hell?

So I definitely went to sleep at 5:45 PM last night. Mom woke me up for dinner at 8, which I was in total zombie bitch mode for. I think I went back to bed at like, 10ish and woke up at 6:30 AM like always. It was bizarre having so much sleep. My jaw and back hurt, though :/ Slept funny...

Day two of doing absolutely NOTHING! In guard we hardly did anything. In math I was so bored that I went down to the art room for a bit and started reading a cool book on classical art. Then art was... art. Another sad day, but this time Shelley and I sang the Sailor Moon and Pokemon theme songs :) That was kind of fun, not gonna lie. I'm SUCH a nerd sometimes!

OMG, I feel so bad. I told Michael I'd give him a ride home and totally forgot. Turns out he had detention anyways, so I drove back to school to pick him up and then took him home after. And then I thought I'd call work and see when they wanted me in... I had a whole 40 minutes of free time! I figured Troice lived close enough to Michael, so I went over there and hung out with him and his friend for a while. It was great: Troice was playing with his amp in the garage on his goddamned teal guitar while his friend and I made flares with foil and ping pong balls in the driveway. I don't know why, but it felt so good to be doing something totally weird and laid back. I don't know why I had so much fun doing such dumb stuff.

Then off to work... nice and slow. It eventually picked up, though! Matt educated me on proper dating protocol... like, he tried to explain to me that it's ok for guys to date cougars (And boy, did he have some stories!), but not younger girls. Like, what? Ha ha, I don't even know how we started talking about that, because I'm pretty sure we were talking about tattoos or something. Oh Matt, you're hilarious. Then after work I went to Canes like always. Karl was working in the back with Cedric and I don't get it... I was ordering my drink and they were screaming "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" to me though the window and acting retarded. Cedric always makes some comment about me being hot and that we should go on a date sometime, but he's full of shit, and I know it. Tonight was no different. I love how he turned to Karl and said "I know she's HOT!" Even if he was being an asshole, Karl knows that it's true and can suck my dick. His loss!

I think I had something deep to talk about, but I can't remember now. Time for government :/

xx The Potential Of You And Me, It's Like A Book Elegantly Bound Marz