No Wonder I'm So Messed Up

I have a suicidal mom that can turn any conversation into a pity party about how miserable and lonely she is.
I have a dad that cheats and lies and teaches me the values of truth, but buys me happiness.
I have parents that don't see how their relationship has affected me.

Yes mom, I have trust issues.
I've never denied that, and you never noticed.
You call me a pathological hoarder.
You say I have a psychological problem.
Then why haven't you done anything about it?
You are my psychological problem.

Dad, you're so hard on me about everything.
I try my best, but don't you ever see how much pressure you put on me
To tell the truth, to succeed, to be responsible
When you yourself couldn't do any of those?
Isn't a responsibility of a parent to not be a hypocrite and help a child in need?

I honestly don't remember ever having a family.
As a kid, I hardly remember seeing my parents together, happy.
For awhile there, Dad lived in New Jersey while mom and I stayed in Texas.
Then we moved to Jersey, where dad found himself moved back to Texas.
It was like there was never a whole family unit.

Then when we all finally made it back to Texas, I just remember things never being right.
My parents never did anything together.
Just fought.
I remember multiple nights in which dad asked me why I never had friends over.
Well dad, it's because you guys always fight and I don't like my friends dealing with that.

I grew used to the silence.
I studied the silence to learn the music.
Still wasn't enough, though, because I stayed silent.
I didn't want people to knew I was sad.

I hate being at home.
I hate the awkward dinners, the fighting, the name calling and door slamming.
I hate mom always bringing me down before big days.
I hate dad always reprimanding me for teenage mistakes.
I hate how I was never praised or rewarded for achievements.

I don't think I ever really knew a family.
No wonder I'm so messed up.

Goddammit. I don't want to ruin my makeup before work.

xx Marz