First Post On The New Mac

And I'm... sad.

I shouldn't be. I just played nearly seven straight hours of Minecraft without any freezing, built a castle, explored some caves, and ate some smores pizza, which was to DIE for. But no, I'm sad.

I'm sad because I saw a picture. I shouldn't be sad, but I am. It's old news, past times, and I shouldn't care. But I do. It's that part of me that always looks back to yesterday and remembers everything, from the best times to the worst times. I guess that's my fault though, for being so naive and vulnerable.

I'm also sad because of my portfolio. I know it doesn't matter what some snotty art teachers say, but it just sucks. I wish I got some sort of feedback :/ Why was my art only at the caliber of a 3? I thought I had some strong pieces in both my concentration and breadth, and I know I had some weak ones. It's like, this was my last big hoorah of high school. I've been working towards it since that first day of sitting in Mrs. Kudlicki's class on the very first day of high school. It's amazing to think back to those days when I was the star of class and had some of the best work. Not to be all egotistical, but it really did make me feel good. And even in class this past year, I knew I had some great competition with my classmates. We all hated James and knew he'd score well.

A three. I'll never forgive myself for not putting more effort into my work. That was my shot and I blew it, and naturally, no one in the house cares/understands why it's been bringing me down so much. I remember sitting in class without any cares towards the due date, just me, my table, my mess, and my canvas. I remember painting what I liked and not sitting there worrying about harmony, shape, texture, and depth.

I dunno. Art's my one time to shine and I blew it. I feel way too defeated. No me gusta. I like this song, though.



xx Wait For Me Along The Shore Marz

New Mac Today!

:D And today is the day I get a new Mac! I'm sitting here now watching the transfer bar... nine minutes to go and then I can play! Plus I got a $100 gift card to use on games, programs, music, movies... everything. I'm so exited! I want lightning fast controls and MINECRAFT FOR MORE THAN THIRTY MINUTES! This probably isn't good... now I'll never stop playing in college.

Seven minutes!

I really want new Photoshop... CS3 is good and all, but everyone's on CS5 now. School's gonna be suing CS5 for sure, so maybe I can get a good deal on it in the bookstore? Or maybe on Amazon... the Apple store had it, but it didn't have a price and I'd like to see what my options are. Or maybe I can call up Scott and see if he has a pirated copy for me :P Lolno.

Six minutes!

Ahhhh. College will now be beautiful. And I got my printer and fridge, so now all that5's left are to get my books! Those will be pretty easy if I can find awesome deals on all of them on Amazon. What would we do without it?! I need to update my wishlist ;P It's funny, it's mostly art and fairy tale books, import music, and movies that I fangirl over.

Three minutes!

What else... Oh, so the past two days have rocked. I walk into work and they send me home! Maybe I can get lucky and they'll send me home right away tonight ;) Oh oh oh! Computer's ready! Time to get off this shit Dell and experience the latest and greatest from Apple!

xx Seashell In Her Hand Marz

Ugh, Again!

Tonight was just peachy. Mom comes upstairs to feed Lita and looks over my shoulder at my shit painting I did earlier. "That's really good. I like it."

WHAT. YOU HAVE *NEVER* SAID THAT TO ME.

So... all those other paintings I spent nights and nights on, pouring my very soul into the paint, and making something truly unique were just reasons for her to display her disgust for my work. Cool. And now they're all fighting again and it's not my business, but she makes it sound like it should be. Should I be more involved? Should I be saying things? I don't know what it is, she just chokes out her problems and I can't say anything. Words just don't come to me and I'm frozen. It's bizarre, I just can't make words.

Do I really have anxiety problems? Shaky hands, nausea, feverish, panic... oh it happens all right. Mostly at work, but you know, now that I think of it, I see it at home, too. When they fight, I get a little panicked. It just doesn't fit me, though. I'm a calm person, known for my chill personality and mellowness. Easy going and flexible and in good spirits. So why am I so anxious? Stress causes anxiety, and stress causes ulcers. I really don't want either, but there's nothing I can do for another month. Oh wait, nevermind, because once school starts I'll get all crazy stressed, I'm sure.

Why can't I win? Why does this have to be so difficult?

xx I'm Out Of Tears Marz

To Paint...

Oh I want to art so bad, but I don't know what I want to make. I'm still pissed as hell that I only got a 3 on my portfolio... goddammit, ego kill. Ha ha, whatever. So there's a few lines in "Magical World" that I'd love to paint on my wall. No idea why, but it seems nice.

Walls built between us, worlds separate us, but still in our hearts we share the same dream.

Seems like one of those wall quotes. I dunno, it sticks to me... I wish I could paint my walls. If I could, I'd paint a landscape. No, I'd paint this:

It'd look organic and massive around the edges, with a figure in the grass, maybe two. I dunno, it's an idea. I want to paint creepy portraits like Rembrandt and Tim Cantor.

xx Don't Shed A Tear For Me Marz

On To Our Magical World :)

I just adore everything about this video, mostly that they're just chillin' and playing music like nothing. The split part is beautiful, and the song is just so light and perfect. Speaking of magical worlds... I just got back from a magical world where my parents and work don't exist, where there are no schedules, where clothes are optional, where hands are always held, and where love is everywhere. And so my magical world is shattered and I'm dumped back into the shitty reality of working doubles, appointments, chores, and distance. Oh, the distance. It's tough, very very tough, just like I figured it would be. I'm not ready to go back into the real world.

Yeah, so life resumed. I went into work and got to host, which is always preferable. I was out by two and spent the rest of my afternoon shopping with Heather for dormy shit. I'm sad that I don't get to open it all yet and play with my new stuff, but soon I will! I bought two new pillows (Not sure if I like them... I might take them back), black pillowcases, lavender sheets, a cushy foam mattress topper, a mirror, a shower caddy (I hate that word. Caddy), a fan, a desk lamp, a cool purple glowy lamp, a trash can, storage boxes, and extension cords. Oh, and these super cool LED purple orchids that I'm sure Dorothy will love :) I figured I'd go purple and grey and black this time... I think purple, red, and black look fab together, so maybe one day when I'm done with the dorm, I can combine them all.

Oh God, being in Ikea today was amazing. There were so many cool things to buy! Cool lights and furniture and knicknacks and accent pieces and frames and art... I want a house that I can decorate! I love Ikea, the shit's cheap and only requires a little bit of manual labor. Hey, I put together that shelf all by myself! I want moar! Sometimes I wish I didn't have all my art shit in my room. One day I'll have an art room like Jessica Galbreth, with French doors and things surrounding me that make me happy. And better organizing. Although the method I have now isn't bad... it's just all the damn craft stuff that gets in the way!

So I'mma talk to dad about just getting a new computer altogether. I love my big Mac... ha ha, Big Mac. Anyways. The new Lion OS X looks badass, and would run better on the newer model, anyways. Oooh, plus I get a student discount and a student gift card for the iTunes/App store :) Do like. I dunno, I'll ask him when he gets back from Boston and New Orleans. Or I could go out and buy the computer right now... I do have the money... Nah, that'd be mean. I need to go buy the fridge soon, maybe Wednesday. I've done good, so far only spent $170! Like a boss ;)

Ugh, gotta be at work at 10:30 tomorrow. Why do I have to open? That's bullshit. Super dildos. I hope I'm opening with someone cool... OH NO IT'S MY LAST DAY TO WORK WITH CATRINA! I'll be sad without her. Work sucks. I need a rich, dead family member stat.

xx This World Was Too Cruel For Lovers Like You Marz

I'm In Bed Right Now

Crying. Oh, it's been a good thirty minutes. A good thirty minutes of reflecting on my senior year and counting how many times mom let me down. And it's more than I'd like to think about. She got all pissy because I didn't say hello directly to her and hug her when I got home tonight. Whatever, we don't hug. We never do. We never did. Why now? And she claimed that I didn't thank her directly for taking care of Lita. Well sorry I thanked both you and dad at the same time. And you're welcome for the things I brought home for you that you just shrugged at and said "Oh well". I didn't say hello?! Well you didn't say thank you! You wanna play that game?! It's on.

I realized how much fun I had with Jamie's mom this week. I'm not used to having such a deep conversation with a mom, really. It was oddly comforting to talk about hair products, school, people, clothes, houses, and other mundane things. What was more comforting was talking to a mom who didn't shoot down everything I said or take offense at the smallest thing.

My mom isn't proud of me or anything I've done. She never gives me any sort of positive feedback or encouragement or compliments and only points out where I've failed. She never can talk about anything without turning it into a rant about dad. She can't make up her mind. She's fake to people. She never cared when I was sad over a break up. She never said I looked good at a contest. She said I had mental problems. It's the little things that just add up.

But ooooh, she thinks she's mom of the year because she does my laundry and sometimes cooks dinner. Well shit, I do all that now. It's just so frustrating. No wonder I'm such a shitty person with trust issues and the need to keep my feelings all locked away.

xx Lay Your Head Down And Sleep On My Shoulder Marz

You Know What?

I was having such a nice week with my best friend. I had such a nice day with her mom. And I knew that I'd come home to an awkward family dinner. But you know what? I'm so sick of coming home to that. I'm so sick of this home life, this awful, harsh home life, and so ready to have my own space. Even though it's a tiny little shit box, it'll be my little shit box with no arguing, no yelling, no slamming, no dumb parents who are too immature to deal with their problems.

I just want to eat. I'm not hungry, but I want to eat so bad. I want Moolenium ice cream. I want cold tomatoes covered in salt. I want pickles. I want the strongest vinaigrette dressing out there. I want mild pepperoncini. I want kalamata olives. I want salsa from work. I just want to eat it all so bad.

Oh I know I have an oral fixation. I chewed on my bunnies' arms up until I was twelve and watched mom sew them back together so I could chew them again. I bit my nails, and occasionally do it now when I get nervous. I pop mints like crazy. I used to chew on my Barbies' shoes to get them to fit their feet, but found that chewing the shoes was equally rewarding. Food gives me gratification and you know what? The oral stage is the first stage of psychosexual growth and Jesus, I'm stuck in the first stage. No wonder. Stop making fun of me Jamie, you don't understand me.

xx I Want To Love By The Blue Lagoon Marz

I'm In Florida

The air is wet and humid and thick.
There is a soft drizzle.
There is a cool breeze.
I can hear the ocean and see the stars.

I'm in a phenomenal mood right now. Tarja and Ben Gibbard are singing the night away while I sit on the porch and play some Tetris. I just got goosebumps after a particularly cool breeze brushed past me.

Florida is nice, but I never felt so peaceful as I do now. Natural sounds are worlds away from the typical blare of the TV, the kids screaming, the kids running, the blender, and more. This is nice. No talking, no nothing. Just me, some waves, and some frogs. And the rain! Oh I love the rain.

I watched Ever After earlier and went wild again. Amazing movie that gets me every time :) I dunno, I'm just at such a peaceful place in my mind. No school, no work, no one bothering me, good music, warm weather, and the love of my life sending sweet words.

xx You Deserve Your Freedom Now Marz

People of OTB

Dear Michael Harcourt from table 73. I've always called you a vampire everytime you can in because, with your long ass dark ponytail so sleekly tied back and well taken care of, you could easily chill with Lestat and Louis.

Dear Thor from table 72. You're the coolest dad ever for playing YuGiOh with your kids at the dinner table. Keep up that thunder, you hippie Norse god!

Dear Man With Skinny Leather Pants from ToGo. I respect the fact that you would wear leather pants in the Texas summer. You, however, are not The Crow and thus cannot pull off leather pants.

Dear Pink Haired Lady and Large Dark Ponytail Guy from table 82. You guys are amazing for showing me discount websites and ways for me to save money and prosper in college. You rock.

Dear Old Lady from table 72. Thanks for being proud that I work a lot despite my age when I could be sitting around at home doing nothing.

xx Until Our Paths Cross Again Maybe Next Time Marz

One Thing I'll Miss In College

Is my room. My comfy, mismatched, drab, gloomy room. I'll miss the smell of my dead roses when I walk in. I'll miss my Christmas tree on the ceiling. I'll miss my bed and the perfect little nook I made for it in the corner of my room. I'll miss my couch covered in art and books, and I'll miss all the floorspace I have for spreading out and doing projects. I'll miss my crooked easel, whose sole purpose was to hold my art. I'll miss the black cabinet I rescued from the school dumpster, and I'll miss all the posters, banners, and magazine clippings on my wall. I'll miss having my art supplies around me, and I'll miss my collection of Dunnys, Gundams, and Disney shit.

It's the room people see and go "Whoah! This is cool!" It's the perfect representation of me... and college will force me to suffer. I hope my roommate likes my few belongings that I bring with me... I haven't decided what yet. A new Scentsy, my picture frame, maybe Eric... haven't decided yet. I'll miss this place... it's my only comfortable place in the house.

xx Until The Moment You Leave, I Wish That You Would Stay Marz