Crying. Oh, it's been a good thirty minutes. A good thirty minutes of reflecting on my senior year and counting how many times mom let me down. And it's more than I'd like to think about. She got all pissy because I didn't say hello directly to her and hug her when I got home tonight. Whatever, we don't hug. We never do. We never did. Why now? And she claimed that I didn't thank her directly for taking care of Lita. Well sorry I thanked both you and dad at the same time. And you're welcome for the things I brought home for you that you just shrugged at and said "Oh well". I didn't say hello?! Well you didn't say thank you! You wanna play that game?! It's on.
I realized how much fun I had with Jamie's mom this week. I'm not used to having such a deep conversation with a mom, really. It was oddly comforting to talk about hair products, school, people, clothes, houses, and other mundane things. What was more comforting was talking to a mom who didn't shoot down everything I said or take offense at the smallest thing.
My mom isn't proud of me or anything I've done. She never gives me any sort of positive feedback or encouragement or compliments and only points out where I've failed. She never can talk about anything without turning it into a rant about dad. She can't make up her mind. She's fake to people. She never cared when I was sad over a break up. She never said I looked good at a contest. She said I had mental problems. It's the little things that just add up.
But ooooh, she thinks she's mom of the year because she does my laundry and sometimes cooks dinner. Well shit, I do all that now. It's just so frustrating. No wonder I'm such a shitty person with trust issues and the need to keep my feelings all locked away.
xx Lay Your Head Down And Sleep On My Shoulder Marz
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