What Is Beauty?

I was holding the door open for a lady and she stopped and looked at me. After a few seconds, she kept going on and on about how adorable and cute and goregous I was. She told me to be careful, and that a lot of guys would try to take advantage of me. Then she told me that I had beautiful teeth and that it's an important piece of beauty because her friend with her was once a beautiful model, but lost her teeth and lost her career.

Last week, a man at the bar called me beautiful and a man leaving said "Bye skinny!". It's werid... I don't do well with those kinds of compliments. It's just that modest part of me. I dunno. I never thought of myself that way... I was always the one that felt like I was living in the shadows of other girls. I dunno, looks never really mattered. I don't care if you don't like my makeup or my ripped up black jeans or how I color my hair.

So maybe I am attractive on the outside. What is ugly is what's on the inside, to be honest. I know I'm an ass to people, overly blunt, moderately rude and snarky, and a bit of a bitch sometimes. I say it like it is and don't have time for idiots and immature people. I know I'm a bad person sometimes. I know I'm a sad person sometimes. But I can't help it.

I don't know where I'm going with this... I keep turning it over in my mind, brooding and brooding. Sometimes I wish I didn't think so much about things. I think too deep, too much, too often.

On a side note, I dreamed about Taylor and Kryzzzzz. In the same dream. I'm still mildly weirded out that he moved to England of all places... I wish we still talked. I just feel so bad at how I ended things and ruined everything. I ruined a friendship and a relationship. I just hate how angry I was at the time and if I could, I would take everything back and go back to that strange, but comfortable friendship. I'm sorry I hurt you.

xx Thou Shalt Die Marz

The Colder Water, The Blower's Daughter

Ahhhh, I love Damien Rice's "The Blower's Daughter". Such a gorgeous song, so sweet and romantic and his voice is dreamy. Anyways. I was on stumble today and found this and realized that it's going into my castle someday.


So my phone's screens ams broked and I have to wait for them to send me a new one next week, ugh. So now I'm suing my G1 and damn, this thang is ghet-to. The screen is smaller, the keyboard buttons are tiny, the phone is bulkier, the software is old and slow, and it's all gritty and dirty from my case. And it doesn't hold a charge, awesome. Oh well. I have most of my apps on this one and my Alchemy game is pretty solid, ha ha :P New G2 on Monday!

I've been having strange dreams lately. One of them I was paranoid because I forgot my shoes before a marching show and the other two I forgot. Lately I've had just... unsettling dreams where in them, I'm paranoid, anxious, terrified, worried, and just all sorts of bad things. Creepy.

Let's see... nothing terribly crazy to rant about. We've been doing a lot of Shakespeare sonnets in class... Most notably 16, 118, and a few others I forgot. 54 is my favorite, but we're not going over it in class :(

Since finishing VA, I pulled the book Fallen off my shelf and gave it another read. I forgot how darkly romantic is was. Reform school romance, no sunlight, dismal campus, live triangles, kids in black being assholes, shadows lurking around, deja vu, reincarnation, crazies, and angels. Messed up romance. Wellllll today in the library, I saw Fallen on the shelf and next to it was A SEQUEL. ONG I LOVE SEQUELS TO TRASHY DARK ROMANCE NOVELS. I might have to go pick it up once I remember the title, ha ha. I also need to go buy some more Micron pens soon... I'm debating on buying a set or individual ones... hard choice. I guess wherever they're cheaper. Asel's might have a better deal, I bet. Bahhh. ART.

Time to go see Jamie and Erin and get Jamie some hipster shoes and a burrito.

xx And So It Is Marz

So Guard Is Over Forever

Yep. Last night was championships, and let me tell you. It was a shit sandwich. Everyone dropped something, and I managed to almost drop Sarah's ladder toss and ended up hitting the ladder really hard. Then I lost control of my flag after the little flag feature and just never truly recovered. Lolsauce, and we forgot the brass ring at school, ha ha ending fail.

It was just a bad night. I was so disgusted with myself that I couldn't even enjoy being happy that guard was done with. I haven't had a show like that since sophomore year... It was embarassing.

Oh, and dad didn't show up. Apparently he didn't realize that the word "championships" is equivalent to "hey this is the last show of the season". Next time I'll paint him a picture. Mom didn't understand either. So yeah, the fact that everyone else's parents and brothers and boyfriends and friends and loved ones were there to come watch and support was really damn great.

It's fine. I'm used to it. I can't believe I broke down on the bus, though. I'm at the point where I don't know why I'm crying every night. I just don't know how to cope with anything anymore. I wish my friends didn't have to see that. I wish no one has to see it. It makes me too weak and fragile. I try and come off as tough, stable, and strong, but it doesn't seem to be working out for me. I just don't know what to do.

Xx She Didn't Give A Fuck, No, She Had Given Up Marz

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On The Way Home

As I was driving up on the ramp that took me from 635 to the Tollway, I got to thinking again. Thinking and linking things together and digging deep into things that not ought to be dug up.

I realized no one was going to be there for me on Saturday.
Winterguard championships.
My last show ever.
My time to be recognized as a senior in front of everyone.

Every time we walked onto the floor to begin setting our equipment, the Hebron moms would all sit in one spot and cheer us like crazy. I looked up to see them every time: Jamie's mom, Heather's mom, Harri's mom, Sarah's mom, Mrs. Cyr, and sometimes a few other moms. But never my parents.

I guess it didn't bother me too much during the last few shows, but it would have been nice to have my parents come up and congratulate me on a good show afterwards. Sure it hurt a little bit, knowing mom was at work or just sitting around at home and dad was probably off with his girlfriend, but I just kind of acted like it didn't matter.

Well now it does. This is my last chance to perform, and after this show I'll probably never find myself in the performing arts ever again, performing in front of an audience and being judged. Never. This is championships. At retreat, the announcer will call out the names of all the seniors, and no one will be there to hear my name and care.

Mom's gonna be in Philadelphia at my cousin's wedding. Dad will be who knows where, but winterguard isn't really his thing so he won't go. Why make him go to something boring and dull and alone? What's he gonna do, sit with the moms? As if. Maybe he'd bring his girlfriend.

I know I bitch a lot about how much I wish I was gone and away from my parents, but in my last few months with them, I thought maybe they'd support me during my final events. I wish I had someone, anyone, there.

xx The World Has Forsaken My Girl Marz

RIP Tahoe :(

Oh my God, I'm pretty sure one of my dreams came true. Ever since I first started going to concerts, I always dreamed of the day when I'd get to go with a guy I liked... something about the blaring music and ambiance just appealed to me for some reason as something to share with someone I loved.

And I totally had that last night :) Yesterday as just a great day all over... so so great. Apocalyptica was just amazing! So Finnish... so perfect. Not to mention so much fabulous hair flipping around! My kind of boys ;P The only thing that could have made it cooler was if Lauri and Ville popped out and sang while Apocalyptica played "Bittersweet". In my dreams, though, in my dreams ;) I'm pretty sure that hearing them play "Nothing Else Matters" was just about one of the best moments of my life. And I think I like "I'm Not Jesus" better live than the album version. It just seemed to fit more. Oh well, I'm no music snob :P

OMG OMG OMG SPEAKING OF MUSIC. So Eric, the guy that does the "Meets Metal" videos, totally commented on my post on his wall. HE KNOWS I EXIST AND EVEN USED MY NAME. I almost jumped out of sheer excitement and fangirldom. I don't think I've outgrown being a fangirl... Something always pops up for me to love :P

I'm SO SO SO close to being done with Vampire Academy. Like, everything happened and now the story is ending. I can't believe Tasha was the killer! Totally didn't see it coming, but as soon as that one line talking about a person with an unmistakable appearance ended that chapter, I was like, "OMG TASHA KILLED THE QUEEN?!" And of course, Rose ends up truly putting Lissa first when she takes that bullet... but it was a kind of deus ex machina of an ending since her being shot erased the bond, restored her guardian status, and made her relationship with Dimitri known. Oh but of course, she had to deal with Adrian, since he saw Dimitri kiss her forehead and knew that Rose never stopped loving Dimitri. Oh, so sad, but I'm glad she chose Dimitri... THEY'RE SOUL MATES.I have like, fifteen pages left, I think. I'm gonna be so lost when I'm done with the book... I considered updating my fanficiton.net account... People ate my shit up!

Ranting, bahhh. I just cleaned out Tahoe because it's going away tonight :( RIP my baby... my big, green, beautiful baby. I'll miss urban picnics, I'll miss climbing on the roof, I'll miss being the biggest thing on the road. I'll miss the bright green, the off-roading, and the idea of being a tiny thing in a big tank. I'll also miss being so high up :( But now I get to spend the rest of my life with Honda, which is forever more to be known as Tahoe. Hondas never die... As soon as I was inside of the CR-V, I knew this would be the vehicle to spend my life with. It's beautiful, sleek, fast, and green :)

xx Long Ago, It Seemed So Long Ago How Young And Innocent We Were Marz

No Wonder I'm So Messed Up

I have a suicidal mom that can turn any conversation into a pity party about how miserable and lonely she is.
I have a dad that cheats and lies and teaches me the values of truth, but buys me happiness.
I have parents that don't see how their relationship has affected me.

Yes mom, I have trust issues.
I've never denied that, and you never noticed.
You call me a pathological hoarder.
You say I have a psychological problem.
Then why haven't you done anything about it?
You are my psychological problem.

Dad, you're so hard on me about everything.
I try my best, but don't you ever see how much pressure you put on me
To tell the truth, to succeed, to be responsible
When you yourself couldn't do any of those?
Isn't a responsibility of a parent to not be a hypocrite and help a child in need?

I honestly don't remember ever having a family.
As a kid, I hardly remember seeing my parents together, happy.
For awhile there, Dad lived in New Jersey while mom and I stayed in Texas.
Then we moved to Jersey, where dad found himself moved back to Texas.
It was like there was never a whole family unit.

Then when we all finally made it back to Texas, I just remember things never being right.
My parents never did anything together.
Just fought.
I remember multiple nights in which dad asked me why I never had friends over.
Well dad, it's because you guys always fight and I don't like my friends dealing with that.

I grew used to the silence.
I studied the silence to learn the music.
Still wasn't enough, though, because I stayed silent.
I didn't want people to knew I was sad.

I hate being at home.
I hate the awkward dinners, the fighting, the name calling and door slamming.
I hate mom always bringing me down before big days.
I hate dad always reprimanding me for teenage mistakes.
I hate how I was never praised or rewarded for achievements.

I don't think I ever really knew a family.
No wonder I'm so messed up.

Goddammit. I don't want to ruin my makeup before work.

xx Marz

MY BOY DID IT AGAIN!

New videos! Oh my God, this man truly knows how to reach out and grab my heart.





Bad. Ass. Right. There.

xx No Regrets, Just Love Marz