I regret not ever congratulating Sarah on making weapon line. I just remember sitting in front of Scott while he read off our drill numbers. As soon as he called her number, something in the 180's, I knew she filled the only open sabre spot, especially when my number was 204. I remember Scott never explicitly telling us what line we made, and at first she didn't know either. I then told her, very bitterly, "You made sabre line, you're in the first few numbers." and left it at that. Not a word more was said on it. I guess I let my jealously get the best of me.
I say that only because I was watching last year's show and felt that pang of sadness for not being able to be in the show and seeing my three best fiends doing a cute little rifle feature together. Then there's that message she showed me from Scott this morning, where he praised her and how excited he is to watch her perform at championships.
Scott's always doting on her, always using her as the example of what we should look like. Like the other day, when we were in the hallway working on the feature, he made us ll stop and watch her do it solo a few times because she was apparently doing everything perfect and hitting all the right checkpoints. Even though it took her a few times to quit messing up the beginning, he still found her adorable and perfect. When he gave us all homework time, he had her go outside and write work with him.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I have this... need to be the best at everything I do. I have the need to be the best one in art class, I always had to write better stories than Jamie, I always wanted to cosplay as the character everyone loved the most, and I always just wanted to succeed. I guess it's the competition among my friends that's the hardest to accept. Guard is the only thing we all do. It's weird, I know I'll never be better than Heather, I know I'll never get those high weapon tosses like Jamie, but I always felt like Sarah and I were on the same level and it just sucks when I realized we weren't.
Maybe I'm being selfish. Maybe I want to be the best at too many things. Sarah's always bitching that she's not good at anything, but that's because she never really pursued any hobbies. I guess I should be happy with my art skills and quit my own bitching.
Sometimes I feel like they're in a totally different world. I feel like even though we're all friends, I can't help but feel this awkward wall between me and them. It's like how they treat me like a child and bitch about my personal life just because they don't understand it. Like really, no one's given me a good reason yet as to what everyone's deal is. Like today when I lightly talked about making sure our plans didn't interfere with my Saturday night plans, I could hear and see Heather's attitude. Bitch needs to nut up or shut up.
xx We'll Just Keep Running From Tomorrow With Our Lips Locked Marz
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