And I'll tell you why.
First off, I don't care for the food. There's always so much, too, and it's usually super heavy. Second off, we usually have a lot of people over, which means a lot of clean up and lots of old people who I have nothing to talk about with. Luckily that wasn't the problem this year, as it was just me and the Sunshine Gang. However, the dinner was still as awkward as ever because... we don't talk at dinner anymore.
Now this time, I was feeling miserable and sluggish. And yet dad was bothering me all day to get up and do stuff and this and that... but when he's not feeling well, he won't pick up a finger. Which made me grouchier, because this morning I couldn't talk at all. Luckily my voice came back, but so did the coughing and gunk and sore throat.
Well when I finally did talk at dinner, he wasn't even paying attention to me because football was more interesting. He was complaining that I wasn't being myself at dinner...well no shit. It's awkward, I have nothing to say, I have a pulsing sinus headache, and I wish it could be better. Being home just makes me sad now. Seriously, I think I've cried every night that I've been home in the past few weeks as I'm laying in bed. I just hate it here. This house feels so foreign to me now. And then I think of everyone else who really enjoys this holiday and that makes me feel even more out of place.
I don't even know where I'm going with this. I don't feel right being home. Dad always wants to play a game or something... well we don't play the same games. Mom always asks if I'm going out with friends. Why would I go out? I came home to be home, but I might as well go out. Too bad I'm feeling like death. I feel bad because I just can't get past this negative mood that I have towards this house because of all the fighting and words. What's the point in talking? They still can't even remember my major. It doesn't matter. Am I being selfish? Maybe. I just want to come home to something comfortable.
xx Don't Give Me Love Marz
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