Isolated?

Since my last post, I've been diligently reading and WOO HOO, ERIENNE AND SAXTON HAVE HAD MULTIPLE NIGHTS OF HOT WILD MONKEY SEX. Good!

But occasionally I look up to check the status of my game download (875 MB out if 4.6 GB in two hours, how slow! :/) and the clock is right above it. And then I realize the hour and that Dorothy's out with friends, which is great and all because she's social. But then I've come to think, do I really have "friends" here that I want to hang out with? I have friends that I walk to class with and sit next to, but we don't hang out much outside of class. True, probably if I went to the studio more often, I'd be apart of the conversations of my fellow community mates.

But then I think, do I need them? Like, do I really need company? Then I think of my old friends from school, my Geishas, who I used to go on all sorts of crazy adventures with. Victor and I recollected the night we went to meet Kat Von D and I remembered how fun that was. But I can't find anyone who I even want to be friends with. It's like, I'm obligated to be company for some of my so called "friends" here. But there's no one who I seek company in. Like I wouldn't leave my empty dorm room right now to find someone, but maybe that's just because I'm not a social person.

It's not that I don't need friends, but people here just get in my way. What's the point of making these bonds when in another four years, we're all just gonna graduate and go on our paths with life? I guess forming friendships is like a constant cycle, but I don't feel like I need people around me. Does this make me a hermit? No friends... I'll end up just like mom. I guess to get anywhere in life you have to know people and make those bonds, especially in the art world where relationships might get you a job or make you famous.

I'm not totally opposed to friends I guess, but they get all clingy and want you to do this or come with them for that and I don't know. I can't tell if I like people or not. I envy Dorothy sometimes for having a life, but then I realize that this is the life I chose for myself. Like tonight, we went down to get ice cream with two guys, Tam and Sloan, but the group soon turned into another six or eight people because Dorothy saw someone she knew. I recognize faces, but not names. Do these people even know my name? I think I met them all at least once.

It's funny how I used to be even more antisocial, but at least I had a small circle of friends to lean back on. Senior year I started making lots more friends, and then it didn't matter because we were all up and leaving. I started off college thinking I'd made new friends, but lately, none of them just stand out to me. I suppose according to the psych lesson we had tonight, they do appeal to me because of some similar qualities we share, but they just don't really move me.

I think I have two moods: sweetly in love and overflowing with warm feelings, or just plain apathetic and isolating. I fear the lack of an in between is really gonna mess with me. I don't know where I'm going with this. Some days I want to pack up and drive to Dallas, other days I want to lay in bed for hours, and I've lost that spark to make art that expresses what I feel. I've really just lost a spark for art altogether, which isn't good because that's all I can identify with. I'm Marissa, the artist, and I've never seen myself as anything other than that and now I can't even see myself as it. I got a lot of good feedback on my tarot cards and that kind of gives me a bit of hope, but I'm just not satisfied with my work. I'm almost to that point where I just want to get something done with quickly, so that I stop worrying about it.

How much longer is this going to last?

xx Sometimes I Wonder Where The Wind Has Gone Marz