Oh God, I'm Doing It Again

I read some more of Spirit Bound today... and oh my God it's so exciting! There's so much going on... Dimitri is so frustrating because I just want him to stop being a pussy and love Rose again! God I love Vampire Academy... I'm sad that once I'm done with Spirit Bound, I'll only have one last book before the series is over :(

But oh man... I'm at that point where I'm almost about to bust out some, GASP, fan art. I caught myself drawing Rose in her cap-sleeved red party dress with a (crappily drawn) mysterious Dimitri behind her, turning away. I want to do a polished piece, something sexy and romantic that capture the essence of the two. ART IS ROMANCE. ART IS PASSION. ART IS A PRODUCT OF THE HEART.

Mmmmm, those books are about the only things that get me through the day, besides my chocolate covered chocolate chip granola bars and... yeah, those are the only two things that keep me sane at school. So damn good. It's like, trashy and addictive romance novels combined with sweets and chocolate... it's perfect. Jamie and I talked about therapists today and I'm considering seeing one. It's not that I think something's wrong with me, I just get bogged down by a lot of stress and it makes me irritable and generally pissed off at the world. I'm the kind of person that likes to talk about my shit... that's why I blog. I blog because it's a way for me to get it all (well, most of it) out without burdening anyone's ears or sanity. It also helps me think a bit more and solve my own problems, in a weird way.

I dunno, I'm just so done with everything right now. School, guard, work, friends, art... I'm just done with it. Today in guard, Willie was bitching and harping on us just like Scott used to do and it was getting frustrating. I asked myself, "Why am I still here?" Too late to leave now. School is just... I was done with it ages ago. Senioritis is a bitch. Work is eh, not horrible, but it does eat up a shit ton of time. My circle of friends is changing and people aren't what they seem to be. I'm also learning that people change and rearrange their priorities as they see fit. Art is even kicking my ass. I repainted Anabell Lee's dress yesterday, despite my lack of motivation. I don't even know what to do for VASE... I kinda want to do something big. Maybe I'll paint over that shitty orange colored head that's sitting on my flood. I don't like it, anyways. I want to do something big, but I don't have the time. The show is THIS SATURDAY. Goddammit, I'm just a casual painter... my stuff isn't good enough to be in shows. Sure, I'm getting my name out there, but... It just doesn't seem worth it.

I dunno. I'm just at a really weird point in my mind where I don't know what I'm doing or why I'm doing anything anymore. I just want to do... nothing. What's the point? Have I given up already? I'm losing motivation to do well... or anything at all.

If I could sum up what I'm feeling, it's would be "The Pacific" part of "The Poet and the Pendulum" [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3w9j-ExepwY] Sad, but in a romantic sort of way, with that haunting imagery and delicate melody. Dreamy, but distant from the world.

xx Lead Me Astray To Dreamer's Hideaway Marz