You Created This Monster.

Alright, so the week went by fine. I knew today would be different.

I saw him across the band hall. His hair's so long and flippy, just how I love it. It's the last day of No Shave November, but knowing him, he won't shave.

I dreamed that maybe today, he'd come running back to me, whisk me up into his arms, and tell me how much he loved me and never wanted to let me go again. Nah, typical day, where we don't say a word.

Sarah and I decided to take a walk down to the practice field to dance and watch the sunset. We found out there's 84 steps from the back to the front sideline. While walking, I saw his truck instantly and felt sad. Really sad. But we continued to dance and act stupid and have a good time.

And then he showed up.

I knew it was him, even from a distance. I recognized the body, the walk, and the shirt before I could make out his face. We were far away enough to where we couldn't read each other's faces, but I snuck glances up while flipping my hair around. He looked down at me. I wanted to wave.

And that was that. He drove off and I went home because it was getting late. When I got home, I was talking to Jamie a lot about life as it is ("Pain, misery, cruelty. I've heard all the voices of God's noblest creatures and I ask...") and when I saw the little Facebook notification pop up "Anthony Milas commented on your status", my heart rattled and I felt like it was about to burst out. My stomach was rattling, too, so much that I had to ask Jamie to read it for me before I could read it. Afterwards, I was so shaky and kind of nervously happy.

I just want him back.

xx Stonehearted Marz

This Is Getting Awful.

Three posts in one night. That's just how lonely I am. I have so much on my mind, so much I want, just too much.

I wish he'd text me.

I don't want to look overly anxious and text right away. I suppose boundaries must be set now and space must be honored. Ugh, I wish we'd text until the early hours of the morning. I actually want to go to bed before 12 because I have nothing to do and I'm not talking to him. So it's like, I could easily go to sleep now, but... I dunno. I want to text him so bad. Maybe in a little bit.

I miss that kid. I still have our texts from the 16th... the last texts we sent while together. Also the last fight. Meh. I'm depressed.

xx Lonely Marz

Depressed Again/I Wonder

So at dinner I told my dad about the break up. And he reacted with a supportive attitude and I told him not to worry. That I'm alright.

But I'm not.

Every time my phone beeps, I hope it's him. I jump to check it only to see it's one of three people that aren't him. Then I get sad. He's not on Facebook... I'm not a stalker, I just notice these things. I wonder what he's doing on a Friday night. The nights we both looked so forward to. I wonder if he's out living life better than before, now that the ball and chain is gone. I wonder if he's having fun, enjoying life, looking at other girls.

Or maybe he's sad, too. He should be... I mean, 16 months with someone tends to collect some feelings. But he doesn't want me totally back. I can't wait for the day when he does, though. Because I'll still be here. I don't even want to date again, not until him. He's the only one I want.

I wonder if he regrets anything. Things we did, things we didn't, things we said. I sure don't. But I'm so terribly lonely. I miss texting him into the late hours of the night. Phone calls at 3 AM. Those were nice. Now I'm utterly alone. I don't want to text my friends because that's just not satisfying. I just want to text him.

I wonder if he feels the same. Is he texting all of his friends, or no one at all? Does he miss talking to me like I miss talking to him? When we do start talking again, will it be like it used to be, only without the "I Love You"s and constant smilies? Will we be so personal or be vague?

I don't know. I just hate this. I have a long week to think about nothing but him.

xx Heart-aching Marz

On The Third Day

We spoke.

I've had this planned since yesterday. Everything I wanted to say. So today I finally sucked up enough courage to talk to him. Well I didn't really have much of a choice, because we kind of ran into each other. Maybe by fate?

I dunno. I feel really liberated after talking. Like, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with, but I feel like I did alright. And I didn't even come close to crying.

I guess what he wants is fair. To just be friends right now. I think I wanted to die when he said he'd been kind of pulling away lately... that really hurt. God. I can't not like him. I don't know life without not liking him. It's been so many years that I don't know when I'll move on.

I can't really recall what it was like before we were dating. How often did we talk? On AIM? Over texting? I remember distinct conversations word for word. I have them all memorized in my heart. Really dumb ones, but memorable.

Once he said he was about to kill himself (Jokingly) because no one else was on and I was there to save him. And then when he was pouring his heart out about Brittany. And then I was playing with Legos, he said we'd paint a picture with our blood. And I remember when we first started the whole joke of having kids together and how awesome they'd be. Such good, innocent times.

Maybe we need the time apart. Maybe it'll strengthen us. I hope so, because I just want him back. Him always and forever.

I've seen your face a thousand times
Have all your stories memorized
I've kissed your lips a million ways
But I still love to have you around

I've held you too many times to count
I think I know you inside out
And we're together most days
But I still love to have you around

And you're the one I want and it's not just a phase
And you're the one I trust, our love is the real thing

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I'm happiest when we spend time

You're a salty water, ocean wave
You knock me down, you kiss my face
I know the storms will always come
But I still love to have you around

Heavens knows what will come next
So emotional, you're so complex
A rollercoaster, built to crash
But I still love to have you around

You're the one I want and it's not just a phase
You're the one I trust, our love is the real thing

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I'm happiest when we spend time (it's only you and I)

It's you there when I close my eyes
And you in the morning
I never thought you'd still be mine
Or I'd really need to have you around

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I need you, you're my love supply

"The Real Thing" by Gwen Stefani

xx Empty Hearted Marz

It's Over

I can't believe this. Tomorrow would have been 16 long months together. The day after that would have been his birthday. I had a big ol surprise planned out. Not anymore.

He dumped me. Cause of the fighting. I told him I'd stop, that I'd change (Because he's too stubborn to.). I hoped he'd take that, but he stuck to his philosophy that two people shouldn't change just to be together.

I've liked this kid ever since 7th grade. And now we're in 11th. He was my first guy friend and the first guy who I felt close to. The first guy I ever really liked. Really loved. I know, high school kids don't know love, but dammit, yes I do. He was everything to me. He saw me when no one else did and was always there to talk to.

I was so hoping when he pulled me off to the corner, he would tell me how much he loved me and that we'd make it though it all. But no. None of that. Burdened by 5 heavy bags, he broke up with me with people all around. I couldn't look at him in the eyes. I could only look down at his shirt. I used to love it, but now it spawns only sadness and heartache.

I don't know what's up. I'm either distracted and content or bawling my eyes out. How long will this last? Will I ever stop liking him? Will I move on? Can we be together again? I just want him back. That's all I want. I can't bear to look at his picture on my phone next to his name because it's my favorite picture of him and he looks so good, so mysterious but soft spoken. I adore it so much, but the sight of it makes me cry.

You would have loved this
You always loved this
I know you loved this time of year
And though I understand
One day again I'll see you
I long to touch your hand,
hear your voice, feel you

It's a song called "You Would Have Loved This" by Tarja. It's about missing someone at Christmas. But it's the only song in my heart now.

xx Heartbroken Marz

Why Do They Have It So Easy?

It's no big secret that I absolutely ADORE Beauty and the Beast. It's my favorite movie. Smart and pretty girl is sent away to live in a beautiful caste with an immaculate library and a magic rose and a grumpy, but lovable beast. But Belle is tough enough to take matters into her own hands and won't settle for what she doesn't want. She's clever and desirable. Fave movie.

So then tonight I was watching The Swan Princess and fell in love again. She gets to run around in pretty dresses, lives in a huge castle, moonlight serenades, and being loves for more than being beautiful. And she gets to go on adventures and try to fight for her freedom. Granted, this movie centers solely around declaring love, but it is made clear that she wants to be cared for for more than her great looks.

I'm gonna plan my dream life out right now. There's a pretty forest with a cute creek and a gently bubbling waterfall. Just through the trees, there's a large castle with high towers. High Ren Gothic, but beautiful and white. Statues and balconies everywhere. Extensive gardens all around with every kind of flower in it. The castle has a giant hall in it with a huge staircase that splits off into two wings of the castle. There are many rooms, but two special rooms.

One is a giant library, four stories tall at least, and completely covered in books and reference materials of all kinds. The other room is a moderately sized room. Black and white checkered tiles on the floor turned to be like diamonds and stone walls. In the center is a canvas and paints, and on the walls are all my my life's work. Nothing else in the room but a door. No windows, only candles on the wall.

I have an aviary, as well. Ten crows, ten doves, and two swans, most likely. And a room built for bunnies, filled with eight bunnies. I have Emma there, too. There's a large room specifically for my closet, filled with gorgeous dresses and jewelry.

And my prince, of course. Charming, but clever. Knows when to talk and when to shut up. Tells me I'm pretty and compliments me. Understands exactly what I mean and surprises me. Is loyal and reminds me that I'm the only one.

Yeah, that would be the perfect life.
xx Marz

Hot Damn

It's been quite a while since my last post. I must say, life has improved.

I miss pixel art dearly. It was one of those things that I excelled at, that I felt really good about. I've improved so much over the last few years and just when I'm at my peak, I've quit. It's kind of sad, really, but in a way liberating.

Next is piano. I desperately want to practice piano, even though I don't know how to play. I can pick up basic tunes and key strokes, but nothing complex. I'm wanting to experiment with CHORDS! That's a step up from my basic "Phantom of the Opera" melody. Ha ha. I just want to give it a go... maybe piano will be my musical calling card, since I want to try as many art forms as I can. While I have scratched music off my list, I'll toss it back in. Who knows?

I really want to play "Amaranth". Even if I could just produce the chorus... "Caress the one, the never fading rain in your heart/ The tears of snow-white sorrow/ Caress the one, the hiding Amaranth in a land/ Of the daybreak" or we could switch bands and lyrics and go "Where is the love in every fading rainbow/ High above trees, beyond the moon and stars/ Where is the love, how could you say it's over/ Where is the love?" Same tune. Same beautiful tune. And I just adore Tuomas's little intro during the Veen rehearsal. So pretty.

GAH. Halloween party this weekend. Gotta go clean my rooms for it. Peace.

xx Marz