Goodbye 2013

Every year I do a little recap at the end of December to see what I was up to for the last 12 months, but 2013 doesn't need one.

Also this might be a good time to start paying my final respects to this blog. It's been my rock all through high school, but lately, I've become such an introvert that I can't let anything out. I don't know, I might use this randomly, but it's safe to say it's just not what it used to be for me anymore.

I sit here with one sock on and one sock off.

xx The Same Old Dead Boy's Song Sung In Silence Marz

JUST FINISHED BOOK FEELS

Wow.

I just finished Brothers to the Death, which is the last book in the Larten Crepsley saga. I just... wow. The story of his life before he met Darren was just amazing. So much love, loss, blood, adventures, and relationships. It's no wonder he's a grumpy, solemn vampire.

It was so exciting learning about the other vampires, like Gavner and Arra. I got all excited when Kurda was mentioned because TIMETRAVELPLOTTWISTCHARACTER. Wester was an interesting character and I knew he'd die because there's no mention of him in CDF and the book's title alluded to him probably dying... but I think I lost my shit on the last few pages, when Mr. Crepsley inherited Madame Octa and began performing with her. Then he sees Steve and Darren and realized that the two boys in the audience would change his life forever.

Just... so many feelings. Cirque du Freak is definitely the best series I've ever read and having a prequel series featuring one of my favorite fictional characters of all time was an absolute joy. I'm SO excited to get my first six books in so I can reread the series and enjoy the magic again. The rush I get from reading those books just fills me with excitement and obsession. I wish I knew someone who's read them so that I could gush with someone other than myself!

MR CREPSLEY, EVEN IN DEATH MAY YOU BE TRIUMPHANT!

xx The Blood In My Vampire Heart Marz

Hello Blogger, My Old Friend

I've come to talk to you again, because a bad mood softly creeping left its funk while I was almost sleeping...

Nah but for real blog, hey. You're like a sweatshirt that's at the bottom of the pile, but still smells clean. You're like a five year old that remembers everything. Like the perfect, most nonjudgmental friend. I guess I haven't been keeping up with you because I've been seeking happy nights to happy days.... nah, this isn't Shakespeare. If it was, I'd probably be coming close to the end of my time.

A blog, diary, journal, whatever, is a special place where I like to write in when I'm completely alone and don't have the anxiety of someone asking me what I'm typing. This guy has been here for me so often... It's funny, because while I'm typing this, I'm sitting on the floor of my old bedroom, exactly where my bed used to be about five or six years ago and exactly where I'd be blogging. Things kind of feel the same... the same posters, a few pieces of the same furniture, and that goddamn Christmas tree.

I don't know what I'm getting at. I guess I feel flat and empty, kind of hopeless, kind of dreading something, a weird burning hole in my stomach, comfort eating, lack of desire to talk to anyone... nothing new. Like I know I've been cycling pretty rapidly the last few weeks, but DAMN. I'm ready for a break back to a few weeks of things being generally good. More on the middle-up side of the scale. Not this crappy shit end of the scale.

What are my character flaws? I'm jealous and selfish, an attention-seeker, a praise-seeker, lazy and inverted, snarky, bitter, silently critical, constantly questioning, general disdain for anyone appearing overly cheerful.

I need to paint now. I've been needing to paint since about 11. What a familiar setting: my bedroom, and a painting of a stormy ocean with a girl on a rock. It's comfortable, easy to relate to, and not totally provocative. Time to dig deep into the blue memory, where sirens resound, to be tucked in beneath the blue, the pain, beneath the rain.

xx Lonely Soul, Ocean Soul Marz

Happy Halloween

Sometimes things can be magical. When I wear my ren dress, I AM a princess. I revel in the fact that my skirts flutter around me when I walk and that my hands are covered in frills. Even walking from my car to the apartment is like a walk across vast palace gardens, or a palazzo just for me.

That dress isn't just a dress. It takes me to a happier place where windmills are giants and everyone knows how to dance at lavish feasts. No one dances anymore; isn't that a shame?



Ahhhh. Wouldn't it be nice if dreams came true? Sometimes things can be magical.

xx And I Kissed His Cold White Brow Marz

Tom And I Have Something In Common

While Tom was suffering from darkness and dementia, he regressed to childhood in his mind. I love the "DAFUQ IS THAT?" look on his face.

Well. Tom and I have something in common. Bring on the castles and kings, musicals and monologues, accents and... warm fuzzy feelings.

Cosplay vs Studio Art vs Where Am I

Hello blog, you look a little dusty. Let me clean you off and show you a good time. I haven't been blogging allll that much due to general life and always being busy. Like there's always something to do and never a single moment when I can stop and go, "Yeah, I don't have anything to do right now."

So lately I've been trying to focus all my time and thought to my paintings and metals projects. When I'm not slaving away on those, I'm cleaning something. The kitchen never is finished. There's always a lot of dishes left to do, especially between the broken dishwasher and just how many dishes seem to get used in a night. I guess I've been playing the part of the average art student...

But then there are nights when I hang out at Heather and Sumner's and I go back into cosplay mode because, well, they're in it 80% of the time. I miss being able to do that. I miss being able to browse fabric and style wigs and glue things together and just work. And yet when I devote a lot of my time to cosplay, I get sad that I'm not devoting as much time to personal art. It's like I can never win.

And while all that's going on, everyone is going batshit crazy and I'm having mood swings out the wazoo and the world is falling apart and I'm constantly reminded that I'm the destroyer of our universe. I managed to do the one thing I wasn't supposed to do and am eternally a piece of shit for ruining everything. Everything is my fault and there's no amount of repentance I could ever possibly do to make up for it.

I remember going to confession twice in my life. Once, I was really young and had nothing to confess before my First Communion. The second time, I did something that upset my parents (Might have been lying or disrespect), and I remember sitting in that weird room between the narthex and the sacristy with Deacon Phil. I have no memory of what we even talked about, but I remember staring at the box of tissues and hearing him tell me to say five Hail Marys and think on my sins. Now of course, none of this has any real significance since I don't have a Catholic bone in my body, but the idea remains. All I had to do to atone for those sins were to say a few words and automatically my sins were lifted. But what am I supposed to do now?

There are no magic words or imaginary people to pretend to wash my troubles away. It's all on me. Do I live out my life in shame and guilt? Do I accept it and push it away? Do I accept it and keep it floating around? None of that matters, because none of them are the correct answer. The more I think about these problems, the more terrified I get and the more open I am to escapes that I don't want. I don't hate myself for doing it, but I do hate myself for hurting the most important person in my life.

Busy Week!

So mobile blogging is a paaaaiinnn. I can't wait to have real internet! It's gonna be a busy week, since I have Crow stuff to do tomorrow, and I'm not sure what Tuesday is, but Wednesday is the first day of junior year! I feel so done, yet so behind. I still need to unpack my life here at the apartment!

What's life been like? It's been nightly hangouts with Heather, Sumner, and Dorian. Like three nights in a row now. I'm not complaining, cause we have fuuunnnnn. Asylum is a fantastic show! I'm so excited to watch it end tomorrow.

What's life been like... I've had more daily mood cycling versus weekly cycling, which I'm not sure is good or bad. I guess it's bad in the sense that smaller things throughout the day set me off, but can also pick me up just the same. I've noticed a lot of weird ticks too, like moving my fingers weird and having strangely spaced out thoughts. Not to mention my stomach is horribly upset. It makes me hungry, but I can only eat a little bit, and so I never get a full meal really. Womp womp.

Although I have gotten really good at weeding out the ridiculous thoughts versus the rational ones. Basically, I just ask myself if mom would have said what I just thought and if it's a yes, then I need to look at the rational version of the thought! Easy trick that keeps me from turning crazy :P

It's 4:21 am and I'm wide awake. This can't be good!

xx Your Past Is So Familiar Marz

What Does It Matter.

Let's open up with the spoken lyrics of El Tango de Roxanne from Moulin Rouge. That sums up tonight, doesn't it.

"First there is desire
Then... passion!
Then... suspicion! 
Jealousy! Anger! Betrayal! 
Where love is for the highest bidder,
There can be no trust! 
Without trust,
There is no love!
Jealousy. 
Yes, jealousy... 
Will drive you... mad!"

Why do I even try. I was dishonest once and it destroyed everything. When I'm honest now, nothing seems to ever be okay. I feel like I can't win or even find anything to sacrifice so that I lose. I'm tired of crying, then feeling content and loved, then going back to crying again. It's like the girl in the movie said earlier, being schizo or bipolar is one of the hardest things in a relationship. I just have no idea what to do if there isn't any trust in me. That was probably the most hurtful thing I've heard in months. I have no idea where to go from here.

Belle's Ball Gown

So for the last two days, I've been researching hoop skirts and ball gowns, petticoats and slips, all sorts of fabrics and rushing styles... I'm so ready to make Belle's ball gown! I've decided exactly how I'm going to construct the dress so that it doesn't look gross and bunchy like people make it. I don't understand why they use such small panels and then when they ruche it, it just looks so gross. And they use taffeta! Noooo! And they make it an A-line, or don't use a hoop skirt...

My dress will start with a five hoop hoop skirt. I'll build up a nice petticoat out of tulle to make it poofy and hide the hoops, with a pretty lace trim on the bottom hem. The gown itself will be made of a bright gold satin with a lighter chiffon skirt overlay that is lightly draped along the vertical seams. The bodice will be a darker yellow satin with draped chiffon sleeves. The skirt swags will be a darker gold chiffon. Matching sleeves.

Nothing will make me happier than when I have the time and money to make this. Although I've budgeted it well enough that it won't be so expensive as it seems it should be. Hell, if it looks nice enough, I'll wear it to my wedding. Then I have to make her blue dress, and the green dress, and the pink one and the Christmas one... SO MANY. I LOVE THAT SHE WEARS FIVE DRESSES.

xx I Wonder Why I Didn't See It There Before Marz

Sad Batman Is Sad

No idea why that popped into my head, but it did. Good news is my wigs came in today and I had fun styling them. Bad news is those two high school memories are bugging me, which is filling me with dread because my gut has an odd idea of life right now. In a way, no matter what happens, I know I'll be okayishsortofnotreally.

Maybe I'm freaking myself out for no reason. Like that's never happened. At the same time, everything feels justified and totally plausable. It's the uncertainty.

xx Come What May I Will Love You Til My Dying Day Marz

I Need To Stop Posting Mopey Things

Cause no one wants to read that shit, and I don't like reading that shit when I look back at my posts.

Soooooo what's going on in my life. I'm sewing Sailor Mars and packing up Yellow House. I can't believe it's time to say goodbye to it in two days. Wednesday is our last day together and after that... maaaan. Maybe I should carve creepy things into the floor boards. I loved and hated the house, so it's probably for the best that it's time to say bye. Where the hell will I park now... I guess in the neighborhoods?

Test time in two days. And again with the wrenching anxiety, I'm sure. Why wouldn't there be horrible anxiety! I'm just not mentally checked into this class and I'm having a hard time even trying to be remotely interested. I just want to pass... so far I'm sitting at a 78, which is good. It could always be worse, but it's good.

What will I do this week... sit around and wish I was sewing, probably. Might do some writing, or sketching, or something that I can do with my hands. Or hell, sit in the VF chatrooms all day and night.

When I drive to Denton tomorrow, I'll be listening to Kidd Kraddick in the Morning, but there will be no Kidd. I don't believe in an afterlife, but the legacy he left behind is incredible. I can't think of too many other people who will be remembered as highly as him. Mornings just won't be the same... I listened to him every morning when I used to drive to high school, and all the other mornings that I was awake early enough for. I downloaded the app so I could listen in the afternoon when he was off the air. It's just hard to believe.

xx Flappy, Fat, And Lazy Marz

Test Anxiety?

I've never really had text anxiety. I'm usually pretty cool with tests and take them as they come and tend to do pretty alright.

But tonight? I feel like absolute shit and I have a feeling most of it is related to tomorrow's test. Maybe it's because I'm not familiar with the content. Shareholders, railway systems, industrialization, court cases... it's just not something I feel comfortable with. I'd rather take a 5,000 question art history exam.

I'm just generally sad feeling. It's a bummer, but whatever. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. What am I singing tonight...




xx Still They Talk Anyway Marz

So This Is Life

Just when things seem perfect, I always find that something falls out of place and wrecks it all. All sorts of things. And then there's this particular anxious feeling that I'm all too familiar with, from feeling it most of my life.

There's a lot to do. I don't know where to start it all. I could start with my desk, and expand outwards. Or start in the very back and work my way up to the desk. It's all the same.



I think I know how you feel, Aldonza.

xx So You Can Curse Or You Can Kiss Me Marz

I Wish I Could Sing

Shit. My throat's always hoarse.

xx Let Down Your Guards Marz

Anxiety Over Nothing

Welp it's official, I'm in an anxious rut of anxiety about everything. About asking for utilities money, about checking the messages on my phone, about seeing people, about going home, about my rabbits, about everything. I just can't stop worrying. Oh, there's also the fact that I don't have a job and there's costumes to do.

And then of course, there's always a good uncomfortable memory every so often.

Gah. I just want to go to Seattle and forget about everything. I'm even having weird airport anxiety, what's up with that? Everything is bugging me. It's probably why I haven't been eating lately... I'm just not hungry when I should be. It's like I've replaced being hungry with being worried.

How do I fix it?

xx All Children Young To Slay Marz

I Can Only Hope

That one day when I have kids that they open up my art books and look at them. They don't have to like them, but I'd love it if they did. I want them to see old art and new art, and understand the different styles and oh God, if I could have little artists, I'd just die. I still remember the day I was at that house with my mom, and I was looking through an art book and saw the October page from Tres Riches Heures and I've been hooked ever since then. That made me love old art. And sitting in my lap is the Belles Heures, which is another similar book of hours commissioned by the same Duc de Berry. It's just amazing to see how nothing's changed in the last 3/4 of my life.

It's like, if you opened up this book, you'd see the things that just blow me away and capture my attention. It's like all my secrets are in this book, and they're not even mine. It's kind of special in a way, having books, but no one knows what's in them, only you. And then there's the discovery when you actually open the book. Oh God, I love it. I hope I have kids as curious as I was.

xx By His Decree No Lives Spare He Marz

GO HOME LITLE GIRL

WHY DOES SHE GET TO SIT ON TUOMAS'S LAP?! WHY CAN'T I DO IT. I DON'T EVEN FANGIRL OVER HIM, BUT JESUS CHRIST, OH HOW I'D GIVE MY EVERYTHING TO SIT ON HIS LAP AND PLAY PIANO WITH THE MASTER PLAYER.

xx Rest Calm And Remember Me Marz

Cirque Du Freak Has My Heart

I don't know why I did it, but I started looking up Mr. Crepsley things on dA and tumblr and holy shit, I'm in love again. I can't even describe my love for that character. If I had to pick two fictional characters to have as bodyguards, it'd be Mr. Crepsley and Faust VIII in a heartbeat. I need to get the first six books with these covers! KILLERS OF THE DAWN WILL FOREVER BE ONE OF THE ONLY BOOKS I'VE EVER CRIED AT.

xx You Have Shown Me The Sky Marz

Nightwishy Night!

I sat down not really knowing what to do, so I threw on Imaginaerum while I drew a girl. Oh God, that movie is just amazing. So many feelingsssssss. The girl eventually turned into Cadence when it came time to dress her, and I still can't get the damn nose right. Oh well.

Looks like Anette is selling her stage and photoshoot clothes, which is a shame but still really neat, especially since she's donating some of the money to charities. Sadly she only ships in the EU or else I'd seriously try to buy something that was on the body of Anette!

It's late, so I should try to sleep now.

xx But Needed Nothing It Had Marz

If I Could Have Dinner

Not that I wouldn't have dinner as it is, but if I had the option to have dinner with fabulous figures from history, it'd go something like this.

Dante and Goethe would flank me at this marvelous dinner and we would talk about religious reformation and personal enlightenment. Johann Struensee would sit next to Goethe, and Marie Antoinette would sit next to him, and they can talk about royal affairs. I think Catherine Howard would like to sit next to her. On the other side of Dante would sit da Vinci, and next to him Botticelli. I'd but Cervantes next to Dante, but putting a Spaniard in between two Italians sounds dangerous, so Cervantes will sit next to Botticelli. Thomas More will sit next to Cervantes and talk about seeing life as it is and not as it should be.

I feel like I might be forgetting someone important. Hm. Well my table is large and so there will be room for everyone.

xx With Songs They Have Sung Marz

Another One Of Those Days

Didn't sleep the night before, didn't go to class, didn't eat, didn't do anything except create. I did a drawing of Faust and Eliza last night, but I couldn't get anything to look right so it looks awkward today. I should try and fix it... or leave it alone as an example of needing to improve. One fun thing I did today was play with image clipping masks to make a new devID. I'm proud of it. Yay putting com design bullshit to good use!

It's just another one of those days where I don't care about anything. I think a bunch of us are gonna go swimming in a bit and then margarita night tonight. I could sure use a night of bullshitting and laughing.

Things that make me moderately happy today:

xx Would It Be A Sin Marz

The Great Relapse

I figured earlier that I was relapsing, but it was confirmed tonight while I watched The Royal Affair, which was absolutely astounding. I fell in love with Johann and Caroline's romance and cried at the end. I never cry at movies, so I figure that three mood swings over the course of one movie must be a bad sign.

Oh well, welcome to the rest of my life I guess. Periods of peace and then relapse, then back to peace and the circle starts again. It's funny because all while watching The Royal Affair, I was trying to pin point what mental illness Christian had, and hell, he could be bipolar. Makes me wonder what I look like to other people.

It's just been a rough day. I'm understanding things and making connections, but it's still not enough. I'm parked diagonally in a paralell universe. I'll be happy when the crying stops. I'll also be happy when the trazodone kicks in early and doesn't keep me up til four.

Although I noticed something interesting today that I do. When I reach a mental point of complete and total distress, all thinking ceases and all I can do is focus on a random song in my head until I calm down. It's like my brain is shutting down on its own temporarily.

xx Don't Throw Your Life Away For My Sake Marz

3 Gigs of New Music

So I downloaded the complete discography of Blackmore's Night and Nox Arcana and let me tell you... now my iPod only shuffles through Nightwish, Kamelot, Nox Arcana, and Blackmore's Night. I have so many albums now. Now I have enough instrumental ambient music to last me through fifteen hours of homework. SWEEETTTTT

So I really hate poli sci. I've slept through every class and I can't stay awake. I've been trying to eat better by eating oats with yogurt, milk, chia seeds, and fruit in the mornings, and it really does make me feel better. Sooo much extra protein and fiber that I never had before :P I need a new jar for it, though.

What else... I've been quiet on here lately. It's weird having time to myself at night where I can clear some shit out of my head and be able to look back at what I was doing. I bought fabric for a new splicer dress and started working on my assassin costume! I hope everything works out for both!

OH AND I WENT TO SCARBOROUGH. OH MY GOD I LOVE THAT PLACE. I want to go back during its last weekend to draw and just spend the day soaking up the awesomeness. And find a ring! I ran out of time to get one on Saturday, but I won't complete my faire journey until I find one! It'll be so fun. Just me and a shady patch and a lot of sketching fun.

In the meantime, the songs that I can't stop singing...



How amazing would it be to just sit around a table with candles and friends and be able to bust out a special acoustic song?

xx She Became The Old Hanging Tree Marz

THOMAS MORE, MY FRIENDS!

"Hythloday said it is no wonder that the punishment is not effective: theft is not a crime that is worthy of the death penalty, and no punishment can make someone refrain from theft if it is their only means of survival."

-- Thomas More

WHICH IS TOTALLY TALKED ABOUT IN THIS SCENE.

Cause Henry tells her, "For anyone who can quote Thomas More is well worth the effort."

Even though she didn't quite get it exactly... still. AM I WORTH THE EFFORT NOW? I LOVE CLASSICAL LITERATURE.

xx I Could Reach Every Star In The Sky Marz

THOSE MERMAIDS

GODDAMMIT, I DREW AGAIN. AND IT'S NIGHTWISH THEMED. MERMAIDS. AND TEARS. AND TURNING LOOSE BOTH OF THE ABOVE.

I'M A GENIUS. I'M AN ARTIST.

It all made sense while listening to Marco sing the demo of "The Pacific", which is already dreamy and blue and oceany. And I get to paint more stormy oceans!

xx The Mermaids You Turned Loose Brought Back Your Tears

THIS EXISTS

OH SWEET ODIN. THE GOD HIMSELF AND THE PERFECT TWIN OFFSPRING. MOST METAL FAMILY EVER. I CAN'T EVEN FULLY GRASP THIS PICTURE.

Old Feels

Let's just take a moment to appreciate just how gorgeous Anette is and how much I wish I looked like her.

Oh it was one of those nights again, when you watch an old movie and it brings back memories of what you used to think and wanted to know and wanted to be and bahh. That's what watching Practical Magic did tonight. I immediately wanted to wear long skirts and long sleeve shirts for the rest of my life, and live in a big Victorian house on the cliffs overlooking the bay below. Back when I wanted a room full of candles (Still do) and to be able to grow every kind of herb and plant and use them for homeopathic things and believe in some sort of magic that wasn't a god type, but an all around type.

I thought about getting the Birth of Venus tattooed on my back. Just Venus, though.

Now... I'm on a Nightwish mood. Finding the acoustic songs so I can sing along, and listening to Anette's gorgeous voice... it's just a good night. Too bad my throat is sore, or else I'd enjoy listening to myself more. Like this, although he took a few little liberties, it's just so amazing. Reminds me of drinking nights on the balcony when it was 40 degrees outside!


xx A Swan Of White Marz

You Think You Ruined Me

But you didn't. I can still watch the movie and wear my shirts and love it just as much as I always have. In that sense, you didn't ruin what I love.

You just ruined everything else.

xx I Won't Show Up On Your Doorstep On Sunday Morning Marz

Happy 600th

Damn blog, you're getting old.

I don't know, I'm in a funny mood. Kind of no shits given sort of mood, no desire, no drive, and perpetual feeling of being dizzy. I had a fun day and night, so I don't know why I feel so shitty today. Probably just the off week.

A thing we're always working on in therapy is the never fading sense of guilt and self blame. Those are probably the things holding me back the most from getting anywhere, and it keeps gnawing at me. They say it's time I forgive myself, but I can't bring myself to that. No one should ever be in that situation, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, or ever want to experience it again. But until the feeling goes away, I have a hunch that I'll still be stuck.

Why can't things just be this easy.



xx He Was Bound To Love You When He Heard You Sing Marz

Another Sleeping Day

After staying up til 5 AM, I had a weird day that consisted of napping for four hours, then staying awake for another three and a half, then napping for two more hours and finally getting up to start the day at around 3:30 PM. Oh well, in my defense, it was raining.

It was a moderately average day that started with getting new meds at the psychiatrist and ended with Wingstop and drawing and Beauty and the Beast. Both movies, the first and the Christmas one. I think it's about time to go sew or something, since I have no more need to be on the computer.

I picked up The Heir again since I had time to kill in Wooten today and got sucked in just like I did the first time. I canNOT get over Westhaven's jackass ways and how sweet he turns when he sees Anna, and how much she pushes him away but loves their interludes together. Gahhhhhh. I love their story. Heir to the dukedom falls in love with the housekeeper... possibly cliche, but god the way they love each other just makes me feel so happy. I already read half the book in the span of three hours. I could read it again and again...

 

And then while I was on my Beauty and the Beast kick earlier, I found this on tumblr. Hmm, so that's what my future child will be like. I'm okay with that. Except that my kid would have a much better dress than the one you buy in the Disney store. Let's be real here.

xx Shatter Me With Hope Marz

Webber Wrote My Life

Yep, after today this scene is all I can think of.

Yet while he lives, he will haunt us til we're dead. Am I to risk my life to win the chance to live? Do I become his prey? Do I have any choice!

And in a mildly similar tone, and also one of my favorite trios ever,


In other news, I can't believe that since I've ignored this site, Anette had another baby.

xx But Either Way You Chose, He Has To Win Marz

I Feel Like A Princess

There's something magical about sewing a dress I've always wanted to make for... years. With the magic of Balckmore's Night guiding me, I'm able to finally create the Renaissance dress I've always envisioned myself in. Funny thing is, when I designed it oh, six or so years ago, I'd have never dreamed that I'd be buying the fabric today to make it.

Damn, I designed that. And damn, I'm making it. Although now I've decided to change the underskirt to black and the accents to light green and gold, it's so real. Even my hair was in that same low ponytail today. It's like, this day was meant to be.

While looking for this gem, I came across many other pieces from as far back as 2006. Jesus. Things I actually wore...

And then things I wanted to wear, or wore for a theme or an event...

I'm starting to see a bit of a trend here. I love how the first one with the Angel logo shirt has my bangs parted correctly... the rest are how I see myself in the mirror. I also love how I shaded my colored hair, although I must say it's much harder to see on the Mac's fancy ass display. I also wasn't very good at dolling yet... I was understanding skirt hems. I wish I could credit the basemakers, but I know two of them are offline and the others I couldn't even being to tell you where I got them from.

Hello blog, I missed you quite a bit. It's been hell without you, but I'm back.

xx But Guess We'll Cry Come First Of May

Again

It's consuming me again. That hollowness and aching all over that demands my full attention and doesn't let me thrive. It tells me to lay in bed and sleep some more, or lay in bed and think about all the fears gnawing at me.

Is this a relapse into anxiety? Life was going so well. Life's been amazing. But then why are new fears taking the place of old ones? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I thought I was done feeling like this. No one should have to feel like this.

But why did you have to be so wonderful.

xx Say The Word And I Will Follow You Marz

Forgetting Those We Love

There's a line I'm trying to remember, something about "And so the rug is dahsed from beneath his feet" or something close, and for the life of me I can't remember the line or what it's even a quote from, but it feels appropriate.

Most of the time, the best way to forget someone is to expel them from you mind and life, and although the isolation is hard, it definitely helps. I remember relying on this tactic in the past, and it's strange to think about. Unfortunately in the isolation, you find yourself buried in the thoughts of another and it gets deep.

Heavy, cold, resonating. Hollow, cavernous, alone.

xx Everynight I Burn Marz

Here We Go Again

I feel like I should write a book based on my life... but it would be a very redundant book. It's just exhausting, because I'm tired of feeling like such a bad person, even though I haven't done anything. Or I guess, that's the problem, is I did something that gets me intro trouble unknowingly. I just hate being the cause of people's heart and headache.

It's just hard trying to find myself now that my brain is repairing itself and I have a new love for life. I want to be different than I was before. I want to bust out of my shell and experience people and places and opportunities I may never get again. I want to be heroic, shameful, studious, and all the things that are supposed to happen in college.

Tangent... I hate hurting those I care about, because I seem to be bugging everyone with a penis lately.

xx Fighting To Light The Way Marz

Pokerface Mood

I think I might be tired of having no schedule... the days are all the same, more or less. Wake up at an ungodly hour, lay in bed for a few hours, take another hour to shower, go to work for a few more hours, then come home and fall asleep.

I don't know. I'm just always feeling so... nothing. Not really hollow, or chill, or calm, just kind of... like I'm holding my breath for no reason. No real passion or desire for anything. Aren't antidepressants supposed to make you feel better? Less... you know, depressed?

Therapy wasn't anything like I'd have expected. So I might have bi-polar II and PTSD. That's nice! Although it did help reaffirm some things bugging me. Oh well, hopefully Monday will be better!

xx In This Brief Flight Of Time Marz

Taking Control Of My Life

Therapy
Pills
Gym once a week
Bunny attention
Out of my room