Last Post of 2010

And shit, I've got a fever of 103. I feel like deeeeeeath.

January: I was a depressed mess, still not fully over Anthony yet. I was also thinking of a few other guys I'd had a bit of history with. Wow, I was absolutely psychotic back then, always thinking so philosophically. My fish Johnny and Brandon died :( But I bought new fish: Nightfish, Sonata, and Rasmus. Took my exams and passed algebra with a 70. We had our first guard contest and got first place!

February: We discovered PATRICK, the hottest vampire from Black Gold's vampire show. Ohhh my God, it tore us up that he was gay, because he was so damn hot. I got discouraged at a few guys because I was trying to save our friendships but got thrown around. "Halledouchebag" was born :) I toughened up. We took a guard trip to Austin and had fun.

March: Found out Anette was having a baby, huzzah! Good God, I got my wisdom teeth out... happy birthday to me! I asked Troice to prom in a cemetery. I got my first job! We had winterguard championships and Patrick waved at us :) And we saw Megan again!

April: I started getting ideas of dating again. And then we had prommmm! It was pretty fun, and hey, I got to wear my red dress again :) I love that dress... it's so gorgeous AND made by a Hollywood designer!

May: Finished my Poison Ivy costume! Heather wanted to plan me a summer wedding... worst idea ever :P I was still angsty and everything at Anthony. Kryzzzz and I started dating...

June: ... And then we broke up three days later, ha ha. I'm not gonna deal with whiny emo girls. I started watching Dexter and Little Italy went home. Then asshat comes over one night and kisses me on the porch! No no no no no! Austin and I started hanging out. My senior pictures got rained out :( I started reading Shaman King again and relived my younger years! I also started talking to a very very very very special guy :)

July: Watched fireworks with Heather, Michael, and Gabriel. Austin kissed me and I was liking him a lot (biiiig mistake). I reminisced on the night two years ago that Anthony asked me out.

August: My last band camp ever! So sad, but I'm glad it's done because it is a BRUTAL few weeks. Went on my first date with Ian :) Then I went to Canes and the kid at the counter asked for my number... uhh, ok. Nice to meet you again, Karl. It's only been since, what, third grade? But oh man, things got rough... I feel like such a skanky bitch looking back. Started planning Princess Kraehe outfit. Started my last year of high school! And I won Jangsara's makeup giveaway, huzzah! Karl and I started dating.

September: I was just really busy... contests and whatnot. Plus I contracted gastritis, which left me feeling deathly for a few weeks. I was kind of depressed a bit, too.

October: Things started slowing down with Karl. We went to homecoming, but that was a fail. He called me many bad things and made me feel like shit, which is probably why we broke up. Again with the depression! We made State AND came in second place, beating out LD Bell! It was amazingggg, and totally unforgettable. Ian and I also fixed our awkward little rough patch... Thank God, or I might have killed myself from guilt.

November: My last San Antonio trip <3 I don't know what I'll do next year without it! I finally pierced my ears again after like, 12 years :P THEN I MET KAT VON D, OMG OMG OMG. And Rooftop and Jeff! Then I took my SAT and got written up for cheating, which is such bullshit. We had our first Art Friends Taco Night in ghetto Dallas! I sort of had a depressive relapse from last year :/ But I got interviewed for the school newspaper! Then we all dressed up to go see Harry Potter at midnight! We also had guard auditions that I completely blew up in :( But I went to Seattle for Thanksgiving to see Annie and Michael and upgraded from my G1 to the G2! Finally reached 200 posts on the blog. Annnnnd best of all, I began dating the most amazing guy ever :)

December: I've just been a happy girl :) NOT THE ODD ONE OUT ANYMORE, ZING! Weekends of sleepovers and the usual Christmas. However, I'm sick today, so there's no room for celebrating :P

So here we are on December 31, 2010. I have a lot to look forward to next year... a lot of big mile markers in my life. I'll be graduating and moving out to start college, I'll have my AP portfolio, and whatever else gets thrown my way :) 2010 was my year to grow. I learned a lot about life, about love, about friends, and lots of things. I lost some friends, but made some, too. I made a lot of really dumb choices, but some of them were totally worth it. I have few regrets from this year, and I know that next year is going to be amazing :)

xx This Is The Moment That You Know Marz

Metropark Goods :)

I couldn't resist taking a look online... I found these that I like :)




I really like that dress, but I'd have no use for it :P I love dresses, I just wish I had more reasons to wear them. I'll probably wear my homecoming dress to band banquet and my lacey black one to guard banquet. Bah, I need more reasons for dresses :)

xx I Need You Here Tonight Just Like The Ocean Needs The Waves Marz

Never

Go ass to mouth. It's just the rule. Clerks 2 says so!

Lolsauce.

Today was brutal. I slept really awkward last night and thus I'm super sore today. I woke up with the worst headache I've had in a long time... Actually, it woke me up a few times. Driving home sucked ass, especially at 8 AM. I got home, gave mom her card, and took some Tylenol at the expense of my stomach. Sure enough, my stomach's been killing me all day from the medicine. Of course, I went to sleep at 9 and woke up at 2, ha ha. Best nap ever, but I woke up sweating and still had a full on headache. So I took some Excedrin and made my weird V8 Virgin Mary concoction and felt a little better, until mom made shrimp caeser for dinner with lots of garlic and it was too much for my weak stomach. Nom nom nom, just take Prevacid! Seriously, this gastritis thing sucks ass when it comes to me needing to take any sort of pain relievers.

Oh well. Spent the rest of the day bumming around the house. I watched Whip It... damn I love Ellen Page! It's such a cute movie :) I think tomorrow I'm gonna go see what's on sale at Metropark at Northpark. I like that Metropark better than the one by my house... I think it's a little bigger. I want to get a cute shirt or something with my Christmas money. What I love most about Metropark is that most of their brands run in extra smalls, which is perfect because at least I know I'm spending a ridiculous amount of money on something that fits well!

So I was on Stumble today and came across this cool article about Moissanite, a diamond simulant. It's kinda cool because it has certain properties that exceed those of diamonds... then I got to reading about all sorts of simulants, such as white sapphires. They've even manufactured three tone cubic zirconia gems! So pretty. I'm such a rock nerd, I can't help it! I wanted to be a gemologist when I was a kid :P

Time to stay up all night... I doubt I'll be getting any sleep.

xx And In The Daylight Marz

Four Years Ago Today

I stood in the bitter New York weather for six and a half hours to meet my idol, Criss Angel. Well technically, and including time zones, I was probably walking in the door to Lisa's, exhausted. Dang, four years. That's really really crazy, considering how far I've come since then. I mean, Criss is still amazing and has fabulous hair and is a badass, but he's not number one on my priority list anymore ;) Although I do want one of his magic kits, shoot!

Speaking of top of my priority list, we made it through a month without killing each other! I noticed it when I was marking the days off my calendar a little bit ago. Huzzah, go us. I enjoy this very much, and can't wait til tomorrow!

So today we ended up not going skiing because everyone was getting sick. So the kids and I trekked into the woods and found some cool hills and a cute little snowy meadow to go sledding in and build a snow man. It was fun, I'll post pictures eventually... I'm too tired to now :P

So I was sitting on the plane listening to Nightwish's Century Child album. I think next to Dark Passion Play, this one might be my favorite. It was from this album that I first heard this song that made me fall in love with them. I remember the night vividly. I was browsing Phantom of the Opera stuff on Youtube and found this video and... my world was blown away. Those drums! That bass! This chick's crazy opera voice mixed with this guy's beastly, yet golden voice! I was in love, and thus my love for Nightwish was born. Of course, it took me a long time to figure out that there were two different vocalists, ha ha. The video!

Oh Marco, marry me! You have the voice of a god! Look at Empuu and his silly purple guitar :P

Seriously. I missed Nightwish when they came to town last time, and I will absolutely KILL MYSELF if I miss them again.

Oh, and probably one of my favorite Nightwish songs, "Dead To The World"! I listened to it a lot during the trip. Hey old man, what do you think of this? :)


xx Innocence Reborn Once More Marz

Dang, It's The Last Week!

I'm finally blogging on a computer because phone blogging gets annoying. It's really hard to type because my right hand is absolutely frozen and is refusing to cooperate. Oh well, this room has big windows and is naturally cold... not to mention it's snowing out and the wind is hoooowwwllling. It's kind of scary when it gets loud, but hopefully I don't hear it in the basement.

Earlier tonight, I couldn't help but think... will I be here next Christmas? I mean, I'm pretty sure Annie came along with us for Christmas while she was in college... then again, she started school when I was only five, if I have my years right. I think I was... nine or ten when we were living in Jersey and mom and dad flew down to see her graduation and I stayed back. Wow, I kind of wish I was there. Oh dang, got off topic... anyways! Next Christmas. I'm kind of wanting to stay home, but then again, I don't know a Christmas without Philly.

Jeez, I remember back when I was a kid and Annie and I shared a room at Aunt Pina's house. Then as the years went on, I came to stay at Lisa's because the kids were here and they liked me. Annie stayed with Vickie, and we were all such cute sisters. Lolsauce. I remember when I stayed at Aunt Pina's house... I remember sleeping in the white reclining chair by the fireplace so I could wait for Santa :) We would leave him biscotti because shit, it was an Italian house! Christmas there was always nice, and then we stopped having it there and moved it to Lisa's.

Christmas is always so cool when you're a kid. Now, I'm not one that needs presents. I don't care if everyone's opening something and I'm not, really, I don't mind. But when you're a kid, you get so much cool loot and it's fun. And I know I was always so appreciative and excited about cool gifts when I was a kid! Now I watch Sarah and Alex open gifts--stuff like iPods, snowboards, ping pong tables, and Wii accessories--and they don't care. It's like like, they're expecting it. They know they're gonna get it, so it's not that big of a deal.

This made me kind of sad this year. My dad is one that wants lists of things people want. He wants lists so he can give them to his secretary so she can buy them all online. He kept asking me what I wanted, what I wanted... it made me sad. Can't you think of something nice for me? I'm your daughter, can't you think creatively? I finally said Juicy earrings because one, I like Juicy stuff and I knew he was going to Nordstrom and two, so he'd stop bothering me. Of course, I got the earrings, but I was expecting it, and that kind of took the fun out of opening a tiny wrapped present. Mom, on the other hand, bought me a three big, beautiful taklon brushes and a $150 gift card to Michaels so I can buy paint and canvas forever. Of course, I mentioned needing new brushes one day while I was packing my art box for school, but I didn't think she was listening. This really made me happy and excited, because I had no idea what the hell it was and it was really a gift from the heart because thought was put into it.

So that's sort of where I'm going with this rant. Gifts from the heart. I didn't ask dad for a list, I bought him a Three Stooges DVD because I knew he'd like it. I didn't ask Sarah what she wanted, I just bought her a 6 foot cardboard cutout of Snape because I knew she'd love it. I like creative gifts that inspire laughter, surprise, and that extra little drop of effort that shows how much you care for someone. I admire gift givers that have creative means of seeking out good gifts, and not relying on people supplying them with lists. Shoot, is it so hard to ask for a little creativity?

xx My Love, It Lies So Deep Marz

It's Christmas Eve

And I'm slightly buzzed.

Another year of being at my cousin's house. Everything's the same... People even wear the same things. I forgot where I was going with this. Uhh... Well I know for a fact that there's one guy out there I miss! Like Christmas is cool and all, but I'd rather be sitting at home with him instead. A nice night in is all I want for Christmas!

Bahahahahahaaa, I can't believe last year. I was so whiny and heartbroken and such a sap. Wow, I've made a complete turn around! I like it :) I bought some Converse shoes today that i can't wait to break in!

Ooops, I forgot to post this last night. That's ok, I'll post today on this festivus day. So far, mom and dad got me three big taklon brushes, Juicy earrings, and a $150 gift card to Michaels. Paint forever! The other fam got me Ulta makeup and jelly beans, nom nom. I can't wait for pollyanna tonight :) That's where the real gifts are!

xx One More Time For You Marz

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Ugh, Another Christmas

And here I am, once again sitting in my cold cave of a basement and cursing my laptop because it won't connect to the internet. Oh well, that's why we have mobile web! It's cold here in Philly... I want to go make a sandwich.

It was fun flying here, though. I sat next to a friendly guy named Matt, and we chatted the whole way here. We talked about everything... California, acting, art, Amish people, science, technology, history, video games, cell phones, our hate of math, and more. He was really nice and thought I was a very intriuging person.

Oh my God. Metallica's "One" was meant to be played by Apocalyptica. It's the perfect song for strings... Sounds so passionate and rich. "Harvester Of Sorrow" is also really badass in string form. I love its haunting tones and rough sound. Mmmmm, I love you, Apocalyptica.

I wish I was home... I miss a certain someone very very much right now. My mind drifts off to fun times and I wish to be home sooo bad and never leave again. I also miss Emma, poor puppy :(

We drove by those cool castle houses on Bethlehem Pike tonight... I WANT ONE SO BAD. Goddamn. I'm also about to die of hunger. Time to go make a sandwich.

Xx Get Your Ass In My Bed Fast Marz

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I Love The Bible

“No one whose testicles are crushed or whose male organ is cut off shall enter the assembly of the Lord.” -- Deuteronomy 23:1

“…the Lord met him and sought to put him to death. Then Zipporah took a flint and cut off her son’s foreskin and threw it at Moses’ feet, and she said, “You are indeed a bridegroom of blood to me.”-- Exodus 4:24-25

“She lusted after their genitals as large as those of donkeys, and their seminal emission was as strong as that of stallions.” -- Ezekiel 23:19-20

“If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity.” -- Deuteronomy 25:11-12

Random Cool Shit

Castle Houses!

So I was bumming around on the interwebs and found a few castle houses from around the country! Some are a bit extravagant for a house, but hey, I want room for studio space, right? ;)


This looks... majestic. Located in Pennsylvania. It's called Grey Towers! Grey is my alias, so it's perfect ;)


This one's also in Pennsylvania. A bit boxy for my tastes, but I like the multiple levels! I'm sure a studio could fit in there somewhere ;)


There's a whole street of houses that look just like this in Philadelphia by my aunt's house... oh my God, this is my dream house. Or really damn close to it. It's the perfect size! All it needs is a few stained glass windows and a spire or two ;)


This one's pretty! I prefer darker stone, but it looks very polished :) LOVE that wrap around porch!

I might post some interiors that I'd love to rock someday... maybe later!

xx From A Heart So Black And Blue Only For You Marz

Probably One Of The Best Days Ever.

Gosh, today was just... All around awesome. I had a terribly fun afternoon with Ian and it was sad saying bye, but hopefully it'll be a short week for us both :) I've seen him every day since Friday, ha ha. I don't mind; the more days, the better!

Then I went out for tacos with Nelson, Ria, James, Maria, and her boy Allen. It was fun as always, and oh my Gooooood those tacos were absolutely fantastic! So damn good. Then Nelson, Ria, and James all came over and we made a bonfire at 1:00 in the morning while watching the lunar eclipse. It was... Magical. Something's really relaxing about laying around a warm campfire when it's chilly out, staring at the stars and moon, and surrounded by amazing company... It's magical. I can only think of one way it could have been any better. I wish I could have it every night :)

The eclipse was cool, though! The moon turned red and everything. And now I'm laying in bed alone for the first time in three nights. Feels weird... I'm kind of used to having someone to talk to. And I can sleep in tomorrow, huzzah! Damn my back hurts... Back rub please :)

xx I Miss You's Not Enough Marz

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Random Sunday Nonsense

Now that he important post is out of the way, HAPPY BIRTHDAY CRISS <3 My God, you're turning 43 and still as fabulous as ever. Still so fabulous. And happy birthday Coach Rodgers, ha ha, you're turning 45. Old people are gross :P

I absolutely love love love my new earrings :) They're so sparkly and awesome! Now that I'm of sound mind and can appreciate them, I love em. They'll look nice with my ugly sweater tonight, ha ha. I can't wait to try the cartilage piece out, because it's so badass!

So I got home today and took a shower... a really long shower. Afterward, I felt so sore everywhere. Legs, arms, back, neck... must've slept funny. And all day, I've been tired and lethargic. I slept some pretty random hours last night, ha ha. It was trippy, though, having no idea of time. It was just waking up and falling back asleep and staying up and drifting off... it was kind of nice! Ha ha, I'm weird. AND I surround myself with weird people! Go figure :P

Jamie's coming over soon so we can eat and get ready for the work party. Oh gosh, I can't wait to put together this outfit :) Ugly ugly ugly bold sweater three sizes too large, cute black leggings, maybe a waist belt, and Raven boots :) I can't bend over, though... ass stays under the sweater. It sucks that we're going to a bowling alley, because I can't bowl, ha ha. Damn shoulders! It's also gonna suck that everyone's gonna be drinking. No fun, I want to join :( I'm very sociable while intoxicated! Oh well, Jamie and I are gonna take pictures of everyone being drunk and high :) That'll be fun!

Time to go clean the kitchen before dad gets home... my hair still smells like smoke. And so does the trash in the kitchen. Guess dad's taken up cigarettes again. It's funny cause he said he quit years ago. Way to go, dad. Proud of you.

xx Tell Me Darling, Do You Wish We'd Fall In Love Marz

Good God, Best Weekend Ever?

Wow. I couldn't wait for the week to be over, and once Friday rolled around, I knew it was gonna be a great weekend. Turned out a bit better than I expected ;)

I have no idea where to start with this... not sure what angle to attack it from (lolsauce). All I can say is that I feel complete. I feel like a whole new person. Life is something more precious now, and so are the people in it. For once in my relatively short life, everything seems like it's fallen into place and paved me a perfect path to happiness.

At the same time, I've gotten a lot of shit this weekend from those I care about. I know they only care about me, but they don't know anything and they're treating me like a five year old. Screw you all, I know exactly what I'm getting myself into and I absolutely like it. Even when I have my own negative opinions of their choices, I keep my mouth shut. Everyone is so close minded and it really sucks ass.

But I dunno, I'm just happy. And not the odd one out anymore, you assholes.

xx Yesterday Away From You, It Made Me Want To Cry Marz

Damn You, Northmont!

Oh Northmont winterguard... I love your lumberjack show. I especially love the song they used called "The Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice. Such a pretty and romantic song <3

Today was decent. Scott didn't show up, so we sat around nomming on the sausage Sarah gave me for my secret santa gift. It was awesome! Then we took a test in math... I left five questions blank. When I was done, I picked up Vampire Academy and OH MY GOD THEY FINALLY HAD THE SEX. Finally. Pretty clever set up... Rose gets her ass kicked, so Dimitri takes her to a conveniently far away and mildly abandoned but very well furnished cabin to clean her wounds up... and ends up doin' the dirty with her. How scandalous! I can't imagine what happens next... But there's like, three more books so hopefully lots more ;)

Art was fun as always. I finally started on the halo rays! Looks like ass, but oh well. I'm awful at ink washes. I should just stick to acrylics. We had fun break dancing until I hurt my shoulder and went to the nurse... lame. But we watched Mr. Bean!

Jamie and I spent the rest of the day shopping... I bought clothes for the bratty kids and managed to only buy myself a pair of $15 earrings at American Eagle and not the $90 Juicy ones. I want a pair of nice Juicy earrings :) Not gold, though. They'd have to be silver or that awkward greyish black metal.

So I was browsing eBay earlier and realized there's a whole slew of bands I love, but don't own any shirts of! The list includes: The Rasmus, Kamelot, Sonata Arctica, Epica, Krypteria... There's probably more but I'm too tired to think of any. Totally gonna skip school tomorrow, bake with Heather, go to work, and then have an amazing night with the most amazing guy ever :)

xx No Love No Glory Marz

Mmm I Could Get Used To This

Another lovely Wednesday down... Another day of getting nothing done. But I did have an awesome afternoon with an awesome guy that has my heart :) Shoot, I could get used to this! Red light kisses and soft shoulder rubs and weekend adventures... I love it.

I love going to bed feeling warm and fuzzy, and then waking up still feeling fuzzy. I love getting those cute texts in the middle of the day. I love feeling so loved :) You could take away all my paints and paper and even my makeup, just let me have him!

xx Can't Take My Eyes Off Of You Marz

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Toosdaye

Another Tuesday... We took guard pictures today in our little blue shirts. I hate when that one girl dresses better than everyone else and makes the rest of us look less interesting :/ I'm looking at you, Becca!

Math was easy, art was fun. Sarah came and hung out with me in the art room after school while I worked on my priest. Then we went out and got burritos and purple orgasms and it was a fun date! I called her Kirby Kuriboh accidentally and we started arguing about Yugioh characters and then realized how ridiculous it was that we even remembered that. I love that girl.

It was really nice of Genny to hug me bye. She's so sweet and I'm just glad I could help her out! I hate to see girls getting hurt. I feel like we need to go shopping or something, ha ha.

But ughh, practice was a bitch. Scott and Ryan rewrote the show and I just had a bad night altogether. I can't believe my friends actually believed me when they asked what was wrong. "What's Wrong, Marz?" "Shoulder hurts." And then they take it and continue being goofy. Like, do you really think that's why I'm angered? I'm not sure if they're oblivious or just ignoring the truth.

Xx Say I'm Better Than You Left Me Marz

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One More Week!

One more week of school before the break, and thank God for that. I sure need a vacation :)

So last night's post was a product of my being unable to sleep and needing to rant. It was weird because the first thing Coach did for us in math was give us a life lecture because of the junior who was in the drunk driving accident, causing paralysis and surgery. He gave us a really good, coachly speech that I listened to pretty intently. He's right. We are young and are bound to make bad choices in order to learn how to not be idiots later on in life. I dunno, I liked it.

And I liked how Vampire Academy is shaping up :) When the bell rang today, Rose and Dimitri were having one of those romantic moments where he let his guard down and told her how scared he was when she blacked out and no one knew why... and that he's scared for her. GOD DAMMIT DIMITRI, JUST TELL HER YOU LOVE HER ALREADY. You guys obviously have super strong feelings for each other, just tell her you love her so she can get in on some of that romantic action! Lissa and Christian are all over each other, she just wants someone, too!

Ha ha, so I Canes-devirginized Chase today. The kid has never been there before, so I felt it was only my duty (ha ha, duty) to take him to experience this glory. He said it was ok. BLASPHEMY. IT'S BETTER THAN OK. I'm gonna destroy that kid! Ha ha nah, it was fun hanging out outside of class where we sit around and act like mean assholes to each other. Plus everyone loves delicious chicken and Jesus sauce. I don't know if Scott is still a Canes virgin or if Jamie really did go get him dinner last week. Either way, I think we might get him some this week.

I feel like I had something to write about... I'll probably think of it later. Bitchtits. Emma is whining for some love, I'll go play with her for a bit. <3 Puppy dog

xx Pouring Boiling Water On A Solid Frozen Flower Marz

I've Come To Realize

That people aren't what they seem. People build up facades and expect so much of you while they sit back and run around freely. People lie and cheat. People take advantage of others. People break promises and pretend that nothing's wrong.

I know I'm young, but this year, I think I've grown the most. I've seen things and gone through situations and found myself dealing with a lot of issues, both internally and externally. I've seen both faces of love, of trust, of leadership, of friendship, and of family. I've been so depressed that I've hallucinated and found myself in such bliss that I could have died that moment in pure happiness.

The world isn't perfect, and that saddens me. Why must the good people in the world be forced to suffer so cruelly? They've done nothing bad... They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time. No one asked to be cheated on, or lied to, or generally wronged. So what happens to the good people? Will they too find themselves succumbing to the evils of the world?

That's what scares me the most. I don't want to be like my parents. I don't want to turn into either of them. I'm scared it might happen, and it's probably my biggest fear in life.

Xx Heaven Please Carry Me Away From All This Marz

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My Daydreamed Life

When I babysit, it's always this for this kid who lives a neighborhood over. He drives me mad because I'm not used to kids, but once I get him to sleep, everything's great.

I'm guilty of sitting here in the house dreaming of my life someday. Sometimes I picture this as my future home life. This house is small and old, kind of cozy. I'd like a place like that until I get into my castle ;) I dunno, maybe I'm super weird for thinking like that, but every girl dreams of her life, of her home, and of her family.

And you know, I wouldn't mind having kids. Of course, my kids are gonna be different... The boys will not know what a haircut is and the girls will learn their place in life early on. Ha ha, I can dream, right? I've got everything else dreamed up... I'm such a sappy girl.

Xx You Know That I Will Never Leave Your Side Marz

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Thoughts Before Babysitting

I have to go babysit in 30 minutes, but I have a few closing thoughts before I take my leave.

One, I've been reading handwriting analysis sites and based on my style of writing, I've been defined as a generally creative, open-minded person who is detail-oriented and sometimes prone to sadness. Ha ha, well at least I know that it truly is my hand!

Two, new favorite quote of the night: "Bleach is mostly water, and we're mostly water... therefore, we are bleach." I love Metalocalypse.

And three, I was so excited when he finally texted me today :) It was oddly quiet all day and most of last night, and I really did miss him. I'm such a sappy girl :P I can't help it though! Especially when he says the sweetest things ever... things that make me stop and smile for a few moments before I can resume life. Even the dumb things he says that make me facepalm myself are still awesome, especially in art class, because no one knows why I'm sitting there hitting my face, ha ha. I hope the parents will let me out after work this Friday so we can have a nice night together :) I can't think of a better way to spend a Friday night after work!

So I mixed the Manic Panic and the Splat together to make a sort of thick, but dark, paste that went on well. I could have done a better job on the bangs, but dad kept calling me and I ended up missing a huge chunk of the light hair and the tips are horribly bare. Looks sloppy. I might redo it later this week when I have time. I H-A-T-E being interrupted when I'm trying to work, dammit! Give a girl her time to look pretty!

xx We Are Laser Removed Tasmanian Devil Tattoos Marz

More Shit On My Wishlist

And everything's a clicky link image so I can find my way back to them if I ever get around to buying them someday, ha ha. I love Alchemy Gothic!





The baroque ear cuff is sooo pretty and ornate. Could do without the red, but it's really pretty! The rose is also nice, not as organic looking as the baroque one, but still totally wearable. The baroque red heart ring is just gorgeous and terribly romantic. Like something out of a fairy tale. And the trefoiled purple heart is really big and fabulous! Reminds me of that beautiful architecture I love so much, but with a pretty little purple heart on it. Mmmm, I need more fingers.

xx I'd Take You Away Marz

End Of A Good Week

Ahhh... it's been such a nice week. A week full of winterguard, napping in class, reading delicious books of forbidden love, and spending time with the best guy everrrrrr. Super ever. Like, sometimes I feel bad for my friends because they have no idea. I, however, am enjoying ever minutes of this. I can't believe how damn lucky I am :)

I feel like I've been... characterized this week. Last night during the tondu part of the Courtney/Halo warm up, I saw Mrs. Sealy talk to Scott and look at me. I know I turned bright red, but got even more red afterward when he talked about how much of a shell I usually create. He said I give off vibes of a tough chick, the kind of person that will beat you up. He even talked about how grouchy I am in the mornings. The point was that apparently in that last run through, I looked completely different. I looked delicate and approachable and even interesting to watch. It felt nice to be called out on good performance and not Sarah for once... I know that's mean of me, but hey, jealousy's a bitch.

And then during art, Mrs. K told a girl to come to me for dark makeup tips. Then she looks at me and goes, "No offense Marissa, but you're like, the gothiest of the class." Thanks Mrs. K, you sure know how to make me smile! Then of course, there's also this sad look I get after I read books... what the hell? Times like this make me question who or what I am. Will I be remembered as that intimidating girl with a sad look on her face who wore black band shirts and was in art class? I dunno. It's like I'm a goddamned Oreo.

Oh well. This song's on my badass romantic CD full of my favorite love-ish songs, and damn, Kamelot is soooo good. This is one of my faves from them, next to "Up Through The Ashes", "Soul Society", "Nothing Ever Dies", and then the two mellow songs "Don't You Cry" and "Wander". I <3 Kamelot. I need to get a shirt from them, too! This video sucks, but the song is gouda.


xx Raise Me Up Into The Light Marz

OMG I WANT THIS SHIRT.

http://www.nwshop.fi/productinfo.cfm?tuotenumero=203582&lang=en

Prettiest Nightwish shirt I've ever seen. I'm in love with stone angels... what sucks is that their smalls are really small. I think I'd have to get a medium this time for a comfier fit :) Gosh, this shirt is so pretty... Gah! I'll have to see how much cash I get for Christmas and then maybe I can get it.

I need more Nightwish shirts! I only have two... plus nine other concert shirts. Jeez, I'm slacking. I need more! I'm going to dream about that shirt tonight <3

xx I See Through The Darkness My Way Back Home Marz

So Far, So Good

Mmmmm. It's been a nice, easy week so far... I love how the days fly by the closer we get to Christmas. It's kinda scary, actually! Before I know it, New Year's Eve will be here and I know I'll be gettin' slizzar'd with my friends, as they put it :)

I can't get over my heightened mood lately. It's like I'm a new person, free of all that negativity and awful emoness I was hauling around. No need to lament on life and rock a woeful countenance... I've just been too genuinely happy lately, all thanks to one guy :) I've never felt so pretty, or cared for, or interesting in a long time, if ever.

Someone out there actually exists who doesn't judge me or question my motives. Someone out there supports me and makes sure I'm ok. Someone out there likes the same things I like. And there's definitely someone out there who is absolutely perfect. It's like someone was listening to me that one day in Psych and gave me everything I wished for. Even my horoscope said that this one would change my life... And you don't mess with that.

Xx Still In Bed Alone Staring At The Phone Marz

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The Letter "I"

Is my favorite letter to write, for many reasons. One being that it's one of the things I write the most. Another is that it's the most personal pronoun out there. And three, I've perfected how I write it.


I write it pretty close to how it looks on Juliet's ring from Luhrman's 'Romeo + Juliet'. I dunno, there's something so pretty about that letter, so organic and romantic looking. Most people write their i's as a simple straight line, sometimes adding serifs, but it's typically an overlooked letter. I used to not care about it so much, either, but why be a boring letter when you could be an extraordinarily beautiful letter? I've turned a straight line into a series of curves in the creation of a new kind of letter.

Here I go again on my weird handwriting tangents...

xx Hold Me Tight, Tell Me I'm The Only One Marz

I'm Completely Distressed.

Apparently my SAT scores haven't posted due to being in a small percentile of people who usually had issues with their tests. Shit. I'm so scared, so so scared. To take my mind off it, I decided to do my art forum on surrealism, and in the middle of that I got interrupted to go to the store AGAIN. That freaked me out even more... ugh. I did feel WORLDS better in the car when I was jamming out to "Like A G6". I can only describe that song as... sexy. It has this weird beat to it and a haunting melody that makes me move like no other song does. I love it.

Ughhh. Calm down, calm down. Listen to "Silent Lucidity" and calm down. Dammit, I really wanna paint because I paint really well when I'm depressed or feeling negative, but dinner will be ready right after my paint gets mixed and then that's a waste of time and paint. Shatcakes.

Heather's going to get her tattoo tonight. I wish I could go with her... gotta stay home. I feel like I had something on my mind to write about... OH LIKE HOW BRYAN IS SUCH A HYPOCRITICAL ASSHOLE! I used to think he was cool before. Now he's just as ass. Practice what you preach, ya assie. Don't tell me not to mess with someone older when you're sitting there touching (and God knows what else) my best friend! Speaking of, I told her about us this morning and she took it well. I'm pretty sure she suspected at this point. Heather... well I almost told her today. I dunno, I'm scared. I know she'll judge and give me her opinion AND Gabriel's opinion. Well I don't give a damn, and I'm happier than ever, so GTFO my jock and leave me be.

Damn, I'm sounding crazy. Uhhhhh.

So I totally realized that I don't have to change my relationship on Facebook... I just had to delete it :) Withholding information is easier than lying!

xx And Everyday You're In My Head Marz

New Layout?!

Yeah, time for a new layout. I loved the old one dearly, but I found that picture of Marco performing my favorite acoustic ballad, "The Islander" and felt inspired. The colors are pretty :) Not one of my finer layouts, but decent for now. I like the top banner, it looks like water. I made that by hand! Hell yeah :)

So mom called me before first period and left a voice mail bitching at me because I didn't throw away dad's empty sugar packets that were sitting on the counter. You've got to be kidding me. She refuses to touch them and gets so angry if I don't throw them away for her. She acts like I hit her with a car or something. It's ridiculous. AND she won't let me wear my Ivy shoes unless I'm in my costume because they're apparently "hooker heels". No mom, platform heels are in style right now. Everybody wears them. She wanted to call the principle to see if they were in dress code... you've got to be kidding me. She's ballistic.

Oh well. Other than that, decent day. I stayed long for art and completely re-did the rocks and now it looks more natural :) Well, the cliffs kind of look like the clouds, and even those don't look like clouds... Mrs. K said it looked very gothic. Woo hoo, then it's working! I started painting Anabell Lee and she's got the same creepy skin tone as Lenore and the siren from my vector. Actually, I bet this one and the vector would look awesome by each other! I'm trying to only use my browns and blues in this piece, but it's tough with the black castle and sky. Well, I'll make it work. It looks so badass! Oh, and Jamie and Heather took the Natalie issue up with Mr. Sealy and I think things will be much better now :)

I must say... I've felt absolutely spoiled this week :)

xx The Show Must Go On Marz

MY MIND HAS BEEN BLOWN.

Uhhh... why is this guy amazing?! I want to count how many times he flips his hair. Holy shit, he has like, four feet of hair. My mind has seriously been blown... I can't stop listening. Can. Not. Stop. Listening.

Was It Fate?

So I finished the first Vampire Academy book and... wow. It got so good when Victor was all, "Lolsauce Rose, the lust spell worked on both of you cause you both wanted each other." And then Dimitri admitted to wanting Rose but couldn't actually due to the age difference and all sorts of reasons... BUT HE LOVES HERRRRRR, AND THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS. Come on Rose, go get your gorgeous long haired Russian badass! I swear to God, these books are something else. Was it fate that Jamie gave them to me? It's too much of a coincidence otherwise... Kind of ironic on her part since she doesn't know certain facts... :)

GSA was great! There were way too many people crammed into the newspaper room, but it was nice that we all came together in a peaceful way :) I noticed Genny was wearing the bracelet I made for Anthony... what's that mean? Ha ha, does she know I made it? I thought that was kind of funny. OMG AWKWARD MICHAEL EVEN CAME! Maybe he's gay?! Wouldn't that just be funny!

Natalie did it again. She left my bag of construction paper out in the hallway. Funny, I left it in the guard room for us to use if we needed it. So after calmly asking her about it during stretch block, she turned it into an argument with me and the captains. My God, she was being so rude to Jamie and Heather... like dude, respect your captains. And I don't appreciate anyone talking to my friends like that. I don't care if you want to be like that to me, but you sure as hell better lay off them. I've never had the burning desire to punch someone in the face as much as I did today. Wouldn't that have been funny if I actually got in a fight? Ha ha, the parents would be damn proud...

Jamie dragged/kidnapped me to the mall with her to help her find an outfit for her date tonight. Just kidding, she dragged me to be her pack mule. I was looking for earrings at A'Gaci and Forever 21 but all they had was big/gaudy/cheap/broken jewelry. Shit, how hard is it to find a nice pair of causal earrings that aren't boring stones? I found these here and I really love em, especially the star hoop :) The red stoned ear pin in kinda cool... but the blue/rainbow dangly cartilage one is gorgeous! I wish I could get away with wearing it around the house!


xx Too Many Stars For One Sky Above Marz

200th Post!

Happy 200th post, blog! You've gone through quite a bit.

Today was so awesome. I couldn't sleep last night... I was too excited about today, honestly. My mind was racing and I felt that familiar warm feeling in my gut that can only mean extreme happiness :) The day was laid back: Easy guard morning, easy math test and some deliciously hot reading afterward (Rose finally made a move on Dimitri and he even got her dress off! Nice!), less than productive art, and then finally awesome sauce!

We spent the afternoon together going on crazy adventures. I'm pretty sure we visited four different cities in a matter of an hour and a half :) I hate saying goodbye... I wish there were more hours in the day for us to be together. I dunno, it's kind of interesting this way, because we never know when we'll see each other again and it makes everything more special in a weird way. I'm happy regardless :)

Tonight we started to play with some crazy back bends and had a really good time joking around with Scott. I know he prefers us getting down to business, but he chimes in with the jokes frequently, so he has no room to talk! But oh my God, Natalie is so dead. I don't appreciate coming to school and seeing my bag and water bottle out in the hallway just because YOU didn't want it in the guard room. Um, no. One, my stuff was wet and sticky from soda being spilled and it was drying. Two, I was gonna come back and get it because it's my shit and I'm responsible. Three, don't you ever touch other people's stuff. And four, it's not your guard room, so don't treat it like it is. I don't care if you want to keep it clean, but seriously, you're not in control. It was so rude of her to roll her eyes at Heather when she was making a calm comment on the situation on my behalf. She's a nasty girl... good thing she's on JV. I'd have killed her by now.

Dammit, missed 11:11. But I don't know what to wish for anymore... I got my wish :)

xx Come On Baby, Don't Fear The Reaper Marz

Eeeeeeeee!

Eeeeeee! I don't think my excited sound translates well onto the keyboard. Because I'm very excited :) Today was probably one of the best Mondays I've ever had, minus a few minor issues... Well I guess it was one of the generally happiest/not grouchy mood Mondays ever!

You know, Sarah and I had a nice chat last night about our boys. And then today we had an even longer one at the nature preserve and I realized why this girl is my best friend. We finish each others sentences and see things at the exact same time and have the same retarded sense of fun and humor... and we also kept secrets from each other.

I figured she was keeping secrets. We all keep secrets, duh. It's just a natural part of humanistic nature. But when I started spilling my most recent little secrets, she told me hers... and I felt like we were really better friends then.

That was the highlight of my day. And as I was reading my psych book tonight, I couldn't help but think how just genuinely happy I felt. I've got high hopes for this one :) Screw all of those others, I've got someone a million times cooler than anyone I've ever met or might ever meet. And although my circumstances suck as long as I'm living at home, I still feel like this is gonna be so awesome and will work out. Who's a happy girl? This girl :)

xx Hold Me Close, Tomorrow May Be Gone Marz

:)

He's mine now :)

xx Marz

Edgar Allan Poe

So... I think I might have an unhealthy obsession with Poe.

His prose is legendary and captivating, but we all know that. He created what is the Gothic genre of the written word. He wrote on the macabre facets of life that few other writers dared to dream of.

And he was tortured.

I can't help but be attracted to him being a tormented artist. It's kind of hot in a weird way, ha ha. I know I sound batshit crazy. He's like the emo kid you can't help but love... and he knew how to convey the feeling of love through his romantic, but morose, tales of beautiful women dying young. He's one of the most unique people I've ever seen. His face... have you seen anyone who looks remotely similar? It's a haunting face perfect for his dreary soul. He was like, the first famous emo kid. It all paid off!

I have no idea where I'm going with this. I think I'm starting to finally understand myself.

xx If I Could Open Your Eyes Marz

Pictures Of You

Hell freakin yeah. I don't know what I was thinking a few posts/weeks ago... shit, I'm perfectly pleased with how things turned out. I know it because I shouldn't be sitting at home sad for just any reason! Soooo... does this mean we're a something? I vaguely remember arguing about picking a day, whether it should be today or yesterday, I remember him saying something about 28... It's all kind of a blur, ha ha. I don't know. But I do know that I'm terribly pleased with how things turned out :)

I've been listening to The Cure today... the first song I ever heard from them was "In Between Days" on Korn's Unplugged album, where Johnathan Davis and Robert Smith did that cool acoustic song mash-up of "In Between Days" and "Make Me Bad". I'm also a huge fan of "Pictures Of You" and "A Forest". Maybe I was wrong... maybe the '80s were alright ;)

I <3 acoustic versions of crazy songs. I also <3 metal versions of nonmetal songs, like that one guy with the fabulous hair doing "Bad Romance". He's a true champion. I would high five him. Sometimes I wish I was more musically inclined... I'm still trying to learn to play "Amaranth" via Garage Band. Instead of playing the song by ear, now I actually have the right notes and keys thanks to a cool tutorial! I'm bad; I taught myself to play the chorus using the notes and melody from the vocals and not the actual song itself. OHHHHH BUT I BET THEY'D SOUND BADASS TOGETHER! I need to go record now... beats doing government.

xx As I Ran To your Heart To Be Near Marz

Dancin' In The Sunlight, Singin' In The Rain

Always good to be at home again :)

At least, that's how Blackmore's Night describes it. Such an interesting band... Candace has such a gorgeous voice, and combined with Ritchie's wonderful medieval tunes the two create awesome sauce.

Holy asscakes on a mountain of dead babies, I am never borrowing books from Jamie ever again!

"I was crushing on my mentor. Crushing on my older mentor. I had to be out of my mind. He was seven years older than me. Old enough to be my... well okay, nothing. He'd been learning to write when I was born. When I'd been learning to write and throw books at my teachers, he'd probably been kissing girls. Probably lots of girls, considering how he looked."

Oh Rose... Look at you falling for Dimitri! Too bad he's a badass Russian Guardian and you're just a Guardian in training... not to mention you have a bad attitude. Just kidding. I feel like I'm turning into you, anyways.

So on the plane I was digging through my old stories I started and never finished (or even really started, for that matter) throughout the years and I have a problem with this elder-youth relationship thing... I use it in like, most stories! The Doll-Patron one, Weekend At Criss's, Weekend At Mel's, Untitled Magic Story (the one that starts at a funeral), the whole Mr. Crepsley fanfic involving Melanie, and that Sweeney Todd fanfic with Arabelle. Jeez, I'm disgusting ;) Oh well, someone's gotta do it.

I love being able to type on a keyboard instead of my phone. This is heaven. I've been listening to Queenryche like crazy today...

xx Another Long Distance Night Alone, You Leave Me Wanting, Always Leave Me Wanting More Marz

What's Awkward About Seattle

Is that the sun sets at 4:30 and everyone's got huge windows that you can see into. Kind of awkward.

During the course of this week, I've begun to do a little soul searching. I made two attempts to text Karl and those fell through. Maybe he's just not worth it. Why should I give two shits about a guy who couldn't give a rat's ass about me?

And then there's that dream, so vivid in my mind as if it was a memory. It provides fuel to my heart and makes things challenging. Shit, it's even driving me crazy enough that I blabbed to Anthony of all people. I'm glad at least he listens without being an asshole like some people... Ha ha, I'm bitter.

Where was I going with this? Oh right. Like, I can't see anything wrong with this... I re-read that post and everything matches up. But then I look to the future... And I have no plans to change my future around, but there's still that little thought of what if echoing in my mind...

Xx The Atlantic Was Born Today, And I'll Tell You How Marz

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Idea For A Story?

I've had a cool idea floating around in my head ever since I sort of re-wrote Empathica on the plane here. I thought of a story set in the early nineteenth century following a doll-like little girl who falls under the longing gaze of a young man and how the two relate to each other. I dunno, just an idea. It's like a more romantic version of my whole Melanie-Mr. Crepsley thing.

I have them pictured in my mind so perfectly. The man: early twenties, sleek dark ponytail elegantly tied back, comfortably wealthy, dresses in dark clothes, composer, and scientist's assistant. Charming and reserved, but occassionally violent and a slight issue with alcohol. The girl: maybe twelve, relatively small and doll-like for her size, blonde curls, fair skin, wears simple dresses, dances, and born to wealthy high class parents. Mature for her age and light hearted, but ignorant and easily manipulated.

Oh gosh, they sound a bit like good ol Davin and little Arabelle. Hopefully I can work with this because frankly, it's a cool idea in my mind, despite how scandalous it is. If Deb can sleep with nasty old man Lundy, I can have a yound guy take interest in a charming little girl. The taboo aspect is interesting!

And I still want to re-visit Empathica, and rename it because apparently Stephen King owns that word in his stories. Dammit, Nightwish! Be more original!

xx Baby All I Need Is Time Marz

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Hello Seattle

Made it to Seattle! It's awesome here... There's something exceedingly magical about walking though the falling snow at night, under the orange street lights. Since arriving, I've eaten the most amazing pizza ever, huge and tasty fried oysters, yummy Thai, and super yummy burgers. Plus the Harry Potter show at the Science Center was cool... I can't believe that I was standing next to something worn by Alan Rickman... My dreams had come true. Plus I bought a Snape action figure, huzzah!

I haven't had a good dream in weeks, maybe even months. But the one I has last night was so vivid and carried so much emotion that it was almost overwhelming. The ending intrigues me, though. We were standing there laughing and saying bye, but then everything sort of slowed down and froze as I woke up. Something was about to go down... But what?! Dammit, what goes on in my head! Although perhaps the fact that in my dream he arranged an instrumental track of Kamelot's 'Love You To Death' says something. It's a beautiful song <3 My mind is truly a piece of work.

Time to shower and watch Dexter. And paint shoes. Woo hoo! Oh right, and I finally learned how to play Magic! I won my first game with a frighteningly strong angel deck, but lost my second with my new personal elf deck. It's gonna take some practice, but I think I like this! Is it bad that I might like the card art more than the game? :)

xx Cause I'll Love You, I'll Love You To Death Marz

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HELL YEAH I GET FREE LEMONADE

HELL YEAH! So after work I went to Canes and as soon as I walked in, Karl turns to Cedric and goes, "There she is!" We ended up all hanging out for like, 45 minutes... and he totally got me lemonade :) That meant the world to me, knowing that there's a glimmer of old times. Speaking of, he even put his arm around me and called me his when Cedric was on the phone with his mom... I can't begin to describe how amazingly comfortable I was during those two seconds of contact. We brought up the old joke of "You Have To Buy Me Dinner First", which is funny because he did buy me dinner, ha ha. Good times :) Cedirc's an enigma... he's cool, but with a slightly creepy edge. Oh well.

God my leg is so sore. I was limping through work and I got stuck if I bent over because of the tense muscles in my thigh. Bryan suggested heat and rubbing it... I'm too lazy to do either of those, ha ha. Then my back started hurting because I was washing bar glasses. Gross. All in all, a good night at work :) Oh, and they totally played Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear The Reaper" at work. Best song I've ever heard on that radio, coming into a close tie with The Cure's "In Between Days".

xx Narrow Streets And Cobblestones Marz

Biggest Waste Of A Day

Seriously. I woke up at 6:45 in a foul mood... which only proved fouler when I broke mom's mirror while backing out of the garage. Great. So I was without a car today.

School was such a waste. In guard, Scott didn't show up and we napped on the cold floor. In math, we napped and watched Youtube. In art, we sat around and talked and tried to play Mad Libs. Like there was really no use in coming to school today at all... Except to pick up my art project.

Gah. I'm just in an awful mood. My eyes are still swollen and watery, my back is sore, and my pulled muscles are hurting. I'm really lethargic and tired... I just want to lay around and do nothing. Dad's not letting me out tonight, either, because I'll get sick again like last time... whatever. But I think I might possibly be getting sick again... oh no. I just feel like utter crap.

You know, it's amazing how I've created this mask that my friends fail to see though. It's common knowledge that if I'm overly irritable, grouchy, a tad too rude, and withdrawn, they just assume it's my typical morning routine. They can't tell the difference between "just another Marissa mood" and when I'm seriously upset. Same thing with Sims. When I'm feeling particularly sad, depressed, angry, or the like, I usually play Sims because it helps take my mind off things. How is it that no one still has noticed? How many nights have I told Jamie that I'd probably rather stay home and play Sims than do happier things? Why is it that my friends notice things about each other so easily, but when it comes to me, no one says a word?

Just an observation.

xx With Beauty Underneath, The Ever Free Marz

Deathly Hallows Part One

Was FANTASTIC.

Alright, so it's not the most exciting book out of the series (I mean, you can only do so much with 500 pages of camping and bickering), but it got really intense towards the end and it was really emotional. I remember the first and second movies when it was all more of "Let's learn how to get through puberty" and now it's all "Shit, everyone's dying and the world is falling apart and there's no such thing as a sunny sky"! For what the first half of the book was, it was very good. I didn't remember anything except the Hallows... ha ha, so it was like watching the movie without reading the book almost. Damn, it's been a few years since I put down book seven. But I can't wait for part two!

I don't know why, but I felt the need to get a Monster for the movie. It's pretty tasty at first, but it seems like the closer you get to the bottom, the more like ass it seems to taste like. Oh well, maybe I was imagining it. On my way home, I made a pit stop to a very dear friend's house and as I approached his neighborhood, "Like A G6" came on the radio, surely a sign that I was at the right place at the right time. Kind of like how yesterday "Vanilla Twilight" came on. Music...

But OH MY GOD. Auditions were not good. The Courtney dance was... alright. I messed up a few times, but held the group together frequently. The Belief routine was... rushed and slowed by the entire group, so not good there. And my solo... ugh. It was going great, just great, until I got to my Megan spins and I don't know what happened... when I was bringing the flag around to the front of my body, I totally lost grip and it went flying to the ground. I panicked--what the hell?! This has never happened before! Then I got lost in my music... I couldn't tell where to get back in! I missed my favorite part of the song and ended up improvising some work to get back into my final ending toss, which I didn't catch as solidly as I'd have liked. UGH. Now I'm freaking out. I hope my scores didn't suffer... Scott knows I'm a good twirler and that I don't usually drop and when I do, it's just a weird brain fart. He said minus my scary recovery, I had some great musical moments. Too bad he didn't see the really nice musical moments I failed through :/

And so now it's 3:30 AM, and I'm to be out of bed in three hours. I'm not tired at all... Gah, tonight just put me in a bad mood. After auditions, everyone was bitching at me to do their errands... Jamie wanted me to go to her house and get her computer, then she wanted me to stop and get drinks, and then Michael wants goddamn batteries for his goddamn Star Wars toys... WHAT THE HELL?! I'm not errand girl! I'd kind of like to get to the theater before midnight. Ugh. Whatever, tomorrow should be better, I hope. Dad super wants me to work on apps tomorrow... I'm pretty sure since I went to Harry Potter, he's not gonna let me out this weekend. Again, ugh. I kind of wanted to go see my friends :/

Oh, and Happy Birthday again...

xx Take That Bottle To The Head And Let Me See Ya Fly Marz

Enough Of Storytime.

Good story, huh? I never forget important days.

Today was nice. Scott didn't show up again, so we had a solo day. God I'm kind of scared, because I end up rushing my flag work frequently and it causes me to need to improv! It'll be ok, I hope... ha ha, we'll see. I better not drop that goddamn strip toss... I'll cry. Or improv.

Math was easy, took a quiz and then went back to reading my art book. Then off to lunch, and then to art, where Mrs. K made us clean off the whiteboard :( But! She gave us some wallpaper and is going to let us do a mural on it. We decided to do self portraits... in cosplay! I'll probably be Raven, ha ha. Then we had a fire drill... well, apparently it wasn't a drill, but it sure didn't last long. I love being on pep rally schedule, because I got out of school at 1:24 and went shopping :)

I found a sweater for my Hogwarts outfit... damn, it looks great! So legit! All it needs is Anthony's tie and then I'm awesome. The skirt is seriously too short, like to the point where my ass is almost visible. Hot Witch School Girl? Ha ha, gross. I'm gonna put some tights on. I don't dress like a hooker... that's why we keep Jamie around! Then I worked on my solo outfit, which is my garage sale skirt and my holey Sweeney shirt. I cut the neck a bit and with some safety pins, it'll be hot. Accessories include: fishnet tights and gloves, stud belts, and sharp jewelry. I'm such a badass... NOT.

So I talked to Heather about my Karl dilemma. She seemed pretty cool about it and suggested I talk to him so I stop torturing myself. Damn kid works like, everyday, so I don't know when I could talk to him. I'd have to make it super nonchalant... I mean, he was the one that thought it was cool to give me relationship advice (WHAT THE FRAK?! NO!) and his advice was that if you have feelings for someone, good or bad, you need to tell them. So here's a taste of your own medicine, you assie. But I need to slide into the topic and not just dump it. Damn. Sometimes I hate being young and stuck in the throws of young heartache.

xx And Yesterday I Thought Of You Marz

Exactly One Year Ago

A girl was in the band hall with her best friend and boyfriend. It was almost time for winterguard practice, so the two girls started walking towards the gyms, with the boyfriend trailing silently behind. As soon as the group got to the doors to the foyer, the boy stopped his girlfriend and had something to tell her. She told her best friend to go on without her and that she'd catch up. Turning back to the boy, she couldn't brace herself for what was about to happen.

He told her that he didn't want to date anymore. Her world was shattering before her eyes. Laden with her flag bag, backpack, purse, and clothes bag, she stood there silently sobbing as he poured his lack of feelings out to her.

He turned and left her standing there in the corner crying. After a few minutes, she composed herself and walked to the gym. As soon as she walked in, she looked into the eyes of two of her best friends and just lost it. She dropped her bags and cried as they approached her, few words needing to be said. The rest of rehearsal was absolutely dreadful, as were the next few days, and what turned into the next few months.

But this was all what happened one year ago today.

Prince Adam

Is like, the best Disney Prince.

Why? Because he's two princes in one. You get Beast and Adam! Tada! What's probably the best thing about him is that he doesn't have a faggot haircut like everyone else... THIS GUY'S GOT LONG, VOLUMINOUS, FABULOUS GINGER HAIR. I <3 long hair, therefore, he wins. The ginger part is less desirable... ha ha, I joke I joke.

I don't know what's come over me. I'm on this... Disney rush. I whipped out an Esmeralda ink piece yesterday and started on Belle, but the face looks like ass and I kind of... buried it under a stack of papers. It's like I want to quit living this god damned life and go into a simple, animated world.

I've always loved Belle, because I've always felt like I'm just like her. We love to read, we have big brow eyes and brown hair, we're both day dreamers, misunderstood, and followed by creepers. Plus she lived my dream life in the span of an hour and a half, ha ha.

Esmeralda was another favorite... in fact, I dressed up as her as a kid :) She was pretty and caring and... had a big skirt. I loved flowy dresses as a kid, ha ha. I like her now because she's an outcast, but still brave and confident.

Oh my God, don't get me started on Pocahontas. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with her! I still have my Pocahontas cup in the kitchen, and probably my lunchbox! I liked her because she had fabulous hair and sang pretty songs, ha ha. I think I still have a Pocahontas costume, as well. Dammit! Why didn't I ever have a Belle costume?! TIME TO MAKE ONE!

I dunno. I feel like maybe if I draw these heroines, I can release myself. Because lately, I've felt so pent up and the only way I can get it all out is through... art. Blahhhh.

xx Dark Demons Of My Soul, Un Amour Fatal Marz

New Blogger App

So this is my first post on a new Blogger app. My other one sucked balls and this one had more features and higher ratings. Let's hope it doesn't have an awkward formatting.

On Tuesday, we're supposed to have part two of the newspaper interview, where they're gonna take pictures of me in my workspace. I have a lot of art out already from showing my aunt last week, so that's good. I just have to clean up a tad. I realized that my room is so... weird.

It's an goth kid's dream. Posters from The Crow, Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd, and HIM grace the walls next to a bajillion (ok, only 4) Johnny Depp posters. Hell, the walls and ceiling are painted grey! Black all around: couches, sheets, drapes, shelves, cabinets.

But then there's all the WTF?! crap. Disney figurines, Dunnies, Gundam figures, a mini Christmas tree, a Watched eyeball flag on the window, a freaking Christmas tree made out of lights on my ceiling, a Disney princess lamp, and stuffed animals to begin to describe the madness. I've created a room full of mystery and have turned myself into an enigma. What do you think I am?

xx Bones, Bones, Brittle Little Bones Marz

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

Oh My God. Not AGAIN.

I don't know what possessed me to do it. It kind of just happened, like I had no control over what my mouse was clicking on. I had this weird possession to click on Cedric's Facebook and sift through his pictures. I saw many smiling faces of my friends, like Amanda and Graham, and then I saw pictures of another smiling face who made my stomach flip and my mouth stretch wide into a genuine smile.

Karl.

My God, I can't help it. While there were only a few pictures of him working on cars and posing with Hooters girls, I got so excited to see his face again. I never see him at school except for if I pass him in the parking lot. I see him once a week, and it's usually on my Wednesday run to get some lemonade. I don't want to forget him, and I don't want him to forget me.

Frak. Does this mean I'm still not over him? Because I want to be. I want this pain to stop. I'm so tired of feeling this awful guilt for messing things up with him and it's eating me away. Whenever I think back to what happened, it scares me for any future relationships I might get myself into. Am I going to mess it up again?

Part of what went wrong is probably that we just didn't know each other that long. I don't think we had ample time to truly understand our personalities. I mean, he knew that I was free-spirited and I knew that he was analytical and logic-bound, but that's not enough. We didn't learn how to compromise or talk. It's really unfortunate now that I look back. It happened like a fast blur.

I still have the texts from when we were still dating, to when we broke up, to after we had the second talk, to when he said he still thought I was attractive. And even though I have them saved on the computer, I can't bear to delete them. I feel like I'd be deleting the last bit of him that's mine. I wake up everyday and see the roses he gave me by my door. I always see my dress in my closet that I wore to homecoming with him, and when I pick up the shirt I wore on our first date, I smile.

If he did want to date again, I don't know what I'd do. Would I jump on the offer with open arms and an open heart and be the girlfriend I should have been from the start? Or would I decline and tell him "Too bad. You already had your shot with me, and you fed it to the wolves."? I don't know. It scares me that I don't know myself. Sometimes I want to carve my heart out, shove it in a jar, and bury it under the fig tree so that I don't have to feel the pains of love or heartache. I don't want to deal with any of this love nonsense anymore.

xx Her Tears Made Her Swim Beneath The Sea, She's Free Marz

Upon Waking Up

WHAT THE FRAK, MARISSA.
LIKE WHAT THE FRAKING FRAK
ARE YOU DOING?

Mobile Blogging

Is a bitch, but I'm snuggled up in bed and not wanting to open the computer right next to my face.

Today was awesome on top of awesome. I spent most of my day getting lost downtown with Ian, but it was so worth it! That guy's a riot... it's a shame we can't hang out more often. It's so frustrating to have to keep him a secret from my parents, but it's gotta be. I so wish we could have hung out all night long. That would have been great! :)

Came home to find that mom bailed on us again. So after dinner with dad, I went over to Heather's for hot tubbing and watching the 6th Harry Potter movie. It's my favorite one... the music is amazing, and the cinematography blows me away. I'm a sucker for a beautiful blend of Gothic architecture, haunting music, and dramatic, almost romantic, scenes. I fell asleep for a good chunk of the movie, ha ha. It was a fun night with my friends, except for Sarah, because once again, she declined our invite. Oh wahh, you were out all day? So were we!

I dunno. I'm in a really tough divide right now... I don't know where I am in regards to my mental, emotional, and whatever's in between that state of being. It's like a constant battle in my head over making the right choice and I trust my judgement usually, so I'm feeling kind of ok, but still iffy. Not just about one thing, though; there's a lot of things I've tossed into the grey area of my mind to eventually go through. What the hell am I even rambling about anymore... time for sleep.

xx It's Nothing To Cry About, Cause We'll Hold Each Other Soon Marz

Nooooo One Can Help Yoooou!

Ha ha, Tarja's solo album cracks me up. It's like, so wannabe Nightwish, but with a much more rockish sound to it. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it's also amusing on a different level. Tarja's great! I mean, come on, having your hit single be "I Walk Alone" after you got kicked out of Nightwish? ;)

Enough of the Tarja love. This is my first free Friday night of the year! It's weird... like, all the band kids are like, what do we do?! We have a whole night to ourselves where we don't have to be stuck at a crappy football game, freezing our asses off? Luckily, we only had one cold game this year and not a million, like the previous years. I opted out of getting a letter jacket :/ Kind of lame, since I've been collecting patches for my years and now I don't have anything to put them on. It's kind of a waste of $150 for another bulky jacket... I already have my class ring, so I'm good to go. I might put my patches on my blue bag or something... maybe my flag bag? Gotta find something!

OMG, again with the friend bullshit! I didn't ask for your opinion every time I bring up a friend you don't like. Thank God Sarah doesn't bitch. Speaking of shitty friends, I totally made Michael bleed today and gave Gabriel some more marks. That's what you get for tickling me in the cafeteria and causing a scene. I'm ruthless, I can't help it! And ewww gross, Cedric totally creeped when we passed each other on the staircase. Gross. I might go egg his house if he does it again.

And I dunno, I got to thinking. Lately... I feel like I've tried to be something I'm not. I feel like I'm trying to live a lifestyle that's not mine, dressing like someone that might not be me, and doing things that I've never done before. It's that idea of change in my life again. What I was with Anthony I've totally thrown out the window. What I was with Karl is slowly dying, too. And now that I'm on my own, I'm feeling like I should change things up a little and see what happens. Maybe it's not a bad change? It's not much, just little tweaks. It's funny, because my horoscope says that while I'm naturally charming, I might be trying to change something about me to help my chances of someone liking me, and that to do any changes--big or small--would be counterproductive. Hmmmm...

xx With A Knife In The Shape Of Your Mouth Marz

SUCK MY DICK, KARL.

He totally admitted it! "I mean, I'm not gonna lie, you're just as attractive. As when I was dating you. I mean i still have the hots sometimes lol"

Now I don't understand the weird wording, but YEAH. I WIN. SUCK MY DICK.

What The Hell?

So I definitely went to sleep at 5:45 PM last night. Mom woke me up for dinner at 8, which I was in total zombie bitch mode for. I think I went back to bed at like, 10ish and woke up at 6:30 AM like always. It was bizarre having so much sleep. My jaw and back hurt, though :/ Slept funny...

Day two of doing absolutely NOTHING! In guard we hardly did anything. In math I was so bored that I went down to the art room for a bit and started reading a cool book on classical art. Then art was... art. Another sad day, but this time Shelley and I sang the Sailor Moon and Pokemon theme songs :) That was kind of fun, not gonna lie. I'm SUCH a nerd sometimes!

OMG, I feel so bad. I told Michael I'd give him a ride home and totally forgot. Turns out he had detention anyways, so I drove back to school to pick him up and then took him home after. And then I thought I'd call work and see when they wanted me in... I had a whole 40 minutes of free time! I figured Troice lived close enough to Michael, so I went over there and hung out with him and his friend for a while. It was great: Troice was playing with his amp in the garage on his goddamned teal guitar while his friend and I made flares with foil and ping pong balls in the driveway. I don't know why, but it felt so good to be doing something totally weird and laid back. I don't know why I had so much fun doing such dumb stuff.

Then off to work... nice and slow. It eventually picked up, though! Matt educated me on proper dating protocol... like, he tried to explain to me that it's ok for guys to date cougars (And boy, did he have some stories!), but not younger girls. Like, what? Ha ha, I don't even know how we started talking about that, because I'm pretty sure we were talking about tattoos or something. Oh Matt, you're hilarious. Then after work I went to Canes like always. Karl was working in the back with Cedric and I don't get it... I was ordering my drink and they were screaming "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" to me though the window and acting retarded. Cedric always makes some comment about me being hot and that we should go on a date sometime, but he's full of shit, and I know it. Tonight was no different. I love how he turned to Karl and said "I know she's HOT!" Even if he was being an asshole, Karl knows that it's true and can suck my dick. His loss!

I think I had something deep to talk about, but I can't remember now. Time for government :/

xx The Potential Of You And Me, It's Like A Book Elegantly Bound Marz

Still Depressed?!

Ugh, why am I still depressed!

Today was... odd. I dunno. I guess it started in guard, where Scott sat us down and gave us another winterguard chat and reviewed yesterday's work with us. Naturally, I got super discouraged when I couldn't get the ending toss out right :/ It's totally cool when the sucky sophomore can toss perfectly and I can't even get it high enough to not hit me everytime. I need to work harder! I'll get that toss even if I get an arm full of bruises in the process!

Then in math we didn't do anything, except watch a movie about discovering the moon. Bo-ring. I instead pulled out my sketchbook and practiced my writing and drew in the dark. Yes, I have to admit: I'm obsessed with gorgeous penmanship. It's a weird feeling to write when you can't see what you're doing... you feel the words :)

But then art kind of sucked. Shelley was upset with Mrs. K and I got struck with a huge wave of empathy and felt awful for her. Everyone's feeling this terrible burn out :/ I sat down and diligently painted my Lenore memorial, Old Man's Child pounding in my ears, and sadness in my heart. I don't know why I was sad, though. Nothing terribly awful was happening in my life... I was just sad. And I still am. I have a headache and I'm so sleepy and just ready to close my eyes and not wake up til it's time for school. Ideally, not wake up until the late hours of the afternoon, but life's a bitch.

I wish I knew why I'm feeling randomly sad all the time. Maybe it's because it's November, and that was rough for me last year... who knows. I just want this to all go away. I want to jump into my fairytale and never have to come back.

xx Her Spirit Wild, Heart Of A Child, Yet Gentle Still And Quiet And Mild And He Loved Her Marz

Day 7 // Not Retarded (Ok, Maybe A Little Bit) Post

So! Last night was super fun with Ria, Nelson, and James. We seriously went into the most ghetto Mexican part of Dallas for some super amazing tacos... worth it. Totally worth it. Now, I didn't feel safe whatsoever (I doubt the guys could have put up a fight) and all the Mexicans staring us down didn't help. I felt like I was going to get knifed, raped, and carjacked in that order. Still, we got some awesome tacos and watched Mean Girls :)

Today was lazy. Went out to lunch with my dad and we ate at work. Turns out two of my favorite servers are quitting in a matter of days :( They always picked on me and called it "Little Sister Syndrome", since I was like a little sister to them. I'll miss them a lot :( BUT! This means that hopefully Craig will start training me to serve. Woo hoo! I spent the rest of the day working on Opium Poe, which is about as done as it'll ever be. Bahh. I messed it up towards the end.

I can't remember what his name was, but back in 9th grade, a senior on drumline gave me a bunch of CDs, which I though I lost, but turns out they've been on my computer all this time. Dimmu Borgir, Old Man's Child, Emperor, and a Pantera mix tape. Soundtrack of my day <3

I want this for Christmas. I regret not putting it on my Pollyanna list. I wish the green and black one was in stock, because I want a little bit of green. Grey's cool, though.
http://www.skullcandy.com/shop/hesh-shattered-gray.html

So I realized something a few days ago. When I browse Facebook, I see a lot of mushy couple stuff. You know, like when people post statuses (Stati? Ha ha :P) and always throw in something about their sig other. It's cool and all and yay for them, but, and this may sound harsh and I don't mean any offense, but I find myself asking why is it that all those awkward kids are able to find someone to love, and I can't? Ha ha, am I doing something wrong? I know that sounds weird, but it's just always eating at me. I'm a good kid, make good grades, somewhat liked among my peers, got a decent rep going for me, and I'm pretty mature in comparison to a lot of other people my age. So what's up with my short end of the stick? Ha ha, it's just something silly I thought about the other day. Kind of interesting. I mean, I'm totally happy for all those kids that find happiness in one another, but sometimes I wonder why I can't catch a break, too. And I'm sure this sounds totally stuck-up, selfish, immature, and ridiculous, but it was just an observation that made me smile. I don't know where I'm going with this anymore, ha ha. I should just stop now. Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong perspective? Or maybe I'm just going batshit crazy.

Day 7: Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For
My friends, each and every one of you. Anyone who I talk to regularly, you're the reason I live. I live because without you, I'd be lost. I can't just pick one person; it's all of you.

xx And I Long For This Mirrored Perspective When We'll Be Lovers, Lovers At Last Marz

Honestly, I'm Super Bored

Honestly, are you in love right now?
>No, not really.
Honestly, what color is your underwear?
>Black... like my soul.
Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
>How Leigh and I used to have some joke about "Black... like my soul'
Honestly, what are you doing right now?
>This damned survey because it's Sunday and I'm not at church!
Honestly, what did you do today?
>Woke up, showered, then computer.
Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
>Yeah, I think so. I mean, if you don't think you look good, no one else will.
Honestly, have you done something bad today?
>No, I've been good!
Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?
>Hm, not so much anymore, unless a good movie is on.
Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
>At this very moment? No.
Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
>The good natured people I surround myself with. I love you guys.
Honestly, do you bite your nails?
>I used to be REALLY bad about biting until I'd bleed. Now it's super rare and usually just to fix a jagged edge or something.
Honestly, what is your mood right now?
>Apathetic.
Honestly, who do you want to see at this very moment?
>No one really, ha ha. I have a lot of work to get done!
Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
>Doesn't everybody? But I post most of my stuff on here.
Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
>No, I don't hate. Although I might seem like I do, deep down, I can't hate them.
Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
>A guy who gives big bear hugs. Ha ha, I love being extreme.
Honestly, do your wrists hurt?
>Nope.
Honestly, are you in denial?
>I hope not!
Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
>Not really. I'm too hungry. Maybe a sandwich and then sex, ha ha.
Honestly, is it easier to talk on Myspace than in person?
>To a point. But then emotion gets lost and being in person makes everything so much better.
Honestly, does anyone like you?
>Maybe. I'm a heartkiller, so I don't know who I've scared off lately.
Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
>Beats me. Ask them.
Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
>Well I might have delicately worded some of them, but all of the ideas were true, ha ha.

Opium Poe

This weekend, I have to finish this ink piece that I call Opium Poe. It's him chillin' with his pipe and having smoky visions of his stories... cool concept, but I think I'm tackling it the wrong way. I have to figure out a cool background, ha ha. Gotta get back to work...

OH MY GOD. So I got written up for cheating during the SAT today. I guess it's really my fault, though, for not taking the note card out last night when I was packing my things. Of course, my luck would have it fall out of the calculator and while I'm trying to hide it, of course the proctor would see it. I can't tell if the head lady really believed me or if she was pulling good cop/bad cop on me. She gave me hug because I was so distressed :P I don't handle getting in trouble well... I might have a rebellious attitude, but I'm a good kid. Every time the phone rings, I'm afraid it's them calling home to tell my parents.

Speaking of parents. Last night was really nice at Senior Night. Apparently mom left for Illinois in the afternoon and wasn't there to walk me across the field. Dad was there, in his pink shirt :P He'd never stood on the field before and had a good time jumping on the 50. Oh dad, you crack me up. I wish mom could have been there, though, but I understand her going to her dad's funeral.

Ha ha, the Tahoe keeps breaking. New fuel pump cost dad $850... sorry dad. But! He says depending on where I go to school, I might see a new car. I'm thinking a CR-V, because it's big (I need a big car! I can't help it! You can't downsize ;)) and more fuel efficient than my 14 MPG tank. I dunno, we'll see...

I totally had a dream about a 10 string bass guitar last night. I don't remember anything except looking at this mess of strings and then I woke up. This is what happens when you stare at too many pictures of Marco Hietala rocking out :)

Tonight is movie/taco night with my art friends. Apparently it's just Ria, Nelson, James, and I tonight... We're missing three people D: Sad life. Oh well, it'll be interesting! First I need to finish up downloading more Bodom and Gaga.

xx Boys Boys Boys Buy Us Drinks In Bars Marz (Hey, that rhymed! Badass!)

I Met Kat Von D!

Woo hoo! Tonight I ventured out into Dallas with Victor and Heather to go meet Kat Von D! It was awesome... she was awesome! She's so pretty in real life and so nice! She even signed my makeup brushes along with my book <3 Then we got to meet Rooftop and Jeff from the show, too! It was like awesome piled on awesome. Then we got lost downtown and totally drove down one way streets the wrong way... and to top it off, Victor even went out and bought me Kat Von D eyeliner! That was so sweet of him to do that for me.

Now I can say I've met two celebrities in my life :) First Criss Angel, and now Kat! Ahhh it was such a good night!

Oh my gosh, guess what! So this morning we had our senior panoramic picture and we were in a huge line according to height. So Jen and I are sitting there in line with the 5'3" people and I got to thinking. Karl's about that height, if I remember right. Right I was, because he was a bit of a ways in front of me in the line. So we're filing up on the bleachers and ISN'T IT MY LUCK that I got to stand directly in front of him on the lower row of bleachers. How's that for weird?! That and the fact that Asshat Austin (who should have been on like, the top row. The kid's tall as hell) stood like, four feet away from me on the bottom row for some reason. I think it was because he was late or something. Gross.

Oh, and my grandfather died tonight. I never knew the man, and according to my mom, he was a total dick and made her life hell. I guess I should feel sad, but I didn't know the guy, so I can't feel. I suppose I should feel for my mom.

And then today I realized that maybe life isn't so shitty after all. Sure, it's crappy, but maybe I'm just being selfish. It's a problem I have, where I focus too much on the small picture sometimes and less on bigger things. It's weird how I have trouble talking about my problems with my "best friends". Maybe that's a problem in itself, though. Heather would judge. Sarah would be polite but not make me feel better. Jamie would tell me what I don't want to hear. And so I'm terribly thankful to Ian for going above and beyond anything I would have expected. Despite our unorthodox situation, he's still the most understanding and nonjudgmental person I know. Like, he moved me so much that I almost cried a little in math class today. I'm so glad we realized we don't hate each other like we thought we did, ha ha. Life's strange sometimes, isn't it?

xx Could You Ever Kill The Pain In My Heart Even Though They Say Angels Don't Kill Marz

OMG FINALLY HOME.

We rolled into Hebron at about 5:30 AM this morning and had the joy of unloading the buses in a cold drizzle. After dropping Jamie off and buying some saline solution, I think I got home an hour later and went straight to bed. I woke up at 1 PM with a headache and spent the day working on government and bumming around online. I'll write about the weekend later, because I have something else on my mind tonight.

I'm SO SICK of my friends voicing their opinions on guys I choose to talk to. They never seem to approve of anyone I want to text or hang out with. Like this weekend, I was texting David and they're like, "Don't do it, man! Don't get mixed in with him!" Seriously? Why can't I associate myself with who I want to?

Then Ian and I texted a lot this weekend and guess what the friends said? "Ugh, don't talk to him, he's creepy." Screw you all! I want to talk to my friends! Maybe I choose to talk to people like David and Ian because they're not opinionated assholes like my so called best friends.

Like, I'm sorry that I can't be like you guys and have awesome boyfriends and awesome sex lives and sit around and talk about birth control and places we've had sex and dirty things we do. Sorry that I'm always in last place. And seriously, the "Knock On A Virgin!" in place of knock on wood thing is SO old. Thanks for always pointing it out. Sure I laugh about it, but really, it hurts. The pressure is absolutely awful. When everyone was reading Cosmo and telling stories last night, I just got so angry and went to sleep.

And I'm so sick of being called prude. It's not that I'm prude, I just don't have these awesome opportunities like everyone else. Sorry that I'm interested in other things and that sex isn't at the top of my list. God. I'm not like other girls. Why can't my friends see that? I think Sarah finally caught on this morning that I was left out last night, but didn't say much more on that.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just bitter and lonely. I wish a little bit of light would come my way. Cause apparently I'm not a good girlfriend in a relationship, and I'm miserable out of one, so who am I supposed to please?

But it's ok. I've got Children of Bodom and Krypteria to keep me company tonight.

xx Then Again It's Like Being Needled 24/7 Marz