Last Blog of 2009

Yep, this is it.

January... Had our first winterguard competition. Varsity came in 5th place :P.

February... Had our second winterguard competition. Varsity got 2nd. Yeah!

March... I turned 16. I also saw Coraline! Good movie. Varisty placed 29th out of 40 at one competition, and at championships, we got 13th out of 18. Not so hot :|

April... Had a super awesome party with my best friend til the end Jamie in our pretty dresses :) I went to Scarborough Fair and had a blast! I got Confirmed and then went camping with Annie and Michael... my first ever camping trip! I also had to start physical therapy. Boo! Oh shoulder problems.

May... We had that epic swine flu break! Such a good week off. Band and guard banquets... much fun at each. And it was the start of A-Kon! I still have the sweet note Anthony wrote me for A-Kon. It was the last time we did Sweeney Todd cosplay :( But I made a con friend.

June... End of school. Julie told me her sophomore year was her favorite... it was definitely mine, too. Went to New Jersey. Nothing new there... same old Ocean City beach and boardwalk. I came home with my infamous hair wrap and henna tattoo :P

July... Harry Potter HBP came out! Heather, Sarah, and I dressed up and went to the midnight showing. Good fun! Then my niece Sarah came and lived with me for two long weeks... blahh. Anthony and I went out and celebrated our one year with Blazin' Wings and watching the sunset from under the band trailer. Such a fun night! Summer Lovin' ;P

August... Band camp! Three long weeks of living in the gym and hardly seeing the band while Scott isolated us. Oh, and we met Scott :) He's a great director. Alessio came a week before school started... And we had a football game against Wylie the first week of school. We lost, right?

September... Went to A-Fest with Sarah and Heather as Teen Titans! We were awesome and loved by everyone. I made another con friend who randomly showed up to see me at school after football games :P Anthony and I went and saw Blink-182 with his friends! It was such a good concert... HUGE, too, but awesome. It was a great night... lots of walking... but so fun. We also had Homecoming and TOC and learned the last of our drill. Woot!

October... (& April... Ha ha, I love that song!) The month of competitions and things going downhill in my life! We had one every week and did really well. We beasted BOA San Antonio and made roomie jackets! Fun stuff. I was sick a lot during October... and pissed at Anthony a lot, too. All about the same thing. Ha ha, oh competition days. Heather and I got sick at the fair and CIRQUE DU FREAK CAME OUT. Oh my God, I was so happy!

November... The month of hell. Sarah and I threw a Halloween party and that was pretty fun. TITANS GO! And I got my license! Then Wes and Anthony took Heather and I out on a real date! It was really nice... I even went out and bought a dress for it. Fun night... thong lady! XD And the weekend ended in a fight and my week started out with a nice breakup. Right before practice :| Also the day before it would have been 16 months. Hot damn, I think I wanted to die that entire week. Plus I found out my shoulders are so stretched and warped that I have to quit guard. So I lost the boy I loved with all my heart despite all the fighting, I lost my shoulders, and I lost my junior winterguard show. I had a good part and it was going to be a great show. On the plus, I went and saw Eisley and Say Anything with Shelby, Heather, Wes, Gabriel, and his girl. Couples~! :|

December... Not much. Therapy twice a week. Napping during guard. Emo emo. Got my class ring, though... it's very pretty, but too big. Engraved inside is "Time For One More Daring Dream" from Nightwish's single "Eva". While everyone else was at practice, I went to the band concert for my few band friends. Ha ha. Then I went to Philadelphia like I always do for Christmas. Nothing new.

And now I type out my year. Tonight, I'll party with Jamie, then stay up with Sarah and Heather. A year ended with friendship.

xx Finished Marz

Unbreakable Bond

Sarah and I came up with the coolest idea ever. See, the Harry Potter theme park opens this coming spring... We plan on taking a spring trip break there in 2011 as a sort of senior trip :) Well we figured, Sarah will be 18 by then and spring break is my birthday, so I'll be 18, too. And since we're going to Harry Potterland...

LET'S GET AN UNBREAKABLE BOND TATTOO.

Just like Snape and Narcissa did in Half Blood Prince. See, we clasped our hands together as if shaking hands. Then we drew a line that circled our wrists and connected on top of my thumb and then again splitting my last two finger. We both have scribbly red lines all over out forearms :P But it would be the coolest symbol of friendship ever, because when we'd shake hands, our lines would connect and we'd be bound! Best idea ever. And get it done with UV light ink, so it'd glow. We come up with the best ideas while eating Dr Pepper jelly beans and cramming them down each others shirts.

So Jamie invited me to a small get together of Creekview kids tomorrow night for some New Year's fun. I'm game... I don't have plans anyways. I wanna get kissed on New Year's :( Oh well. Definitely not from any Creekview kids... Who knows where they've been?

Bahahahaa, it was funny at dinner when Donna asked how me and Anthony were doing. I guess mom didn't tell her what happened, so I filled her in. She was mildly shocked. Then she asked about Jamie and I told her she broke up, too, and then my mom goes into this weird rant about how much she liked Scott; how nice he was and interesting to talk to. Blah blah blah... why don't you date him, mom? Ha ha. Oh crazy old people.

Oh well. Tomorrow I'll write a long post about my year. Exciting? Maybe. It started off pretty great, then plateaued and then hit a super steep slope. Depressing.

xx Unbreakable Marz

I Know My Dreams Are Made Of You...

Of you, and only for you
Your ocean pulls me under, your voice tears me asunder
Love me before the last petal falls

I dreamed of him again. I actually woke up crying... there's something new. After I wrote it down, I flipped through my older entries. I dreamed of him a lot. Usually he was off doing his own thing (Surprise there, right?). But my favorites were the ones where we were together. Two, in fact, stick out in my mind the most. And they're haunting me.

Bahhhh. When will the nightmares end?

xx Haunted Marz

Home At Last

Finally home from PA... I missed my bed and my puppy :)

Little Italy's family is here with us... They're pretty cool. His mom speaks really broken English and his brother speaks English really well. They're both funny... they like to see me beat Alessio up :P But then my dad comes home from work and everyone has these secret Italian conversations and me and mom just stare at each other, trying to figure out what's up. Ha ha, it's fun. 4 Italians and 2 Texans in my house. Awesome :)

So I might wear Jamie's white dress to prom. I dunno, I kind of want to look bright, with my pale skin and dark hair. I think the contrast would be kind of pretty. I have no idea what flowers to use... maybe a nice white rose, my favorite? ;) Or I could go crazy and ask for orchids (very expensive). Bahahahaa. We'll see.

OH MY GOD. I'm in love with this song: Funeral Song by The Rasmus. It's so sad... It's about breaking up with someone over and over again and hurting them, even though there's still underlying love. I can't get over the chorus... it's just so melodic and beautiful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4fjTZ7r6JM

Can't embed it, but it's still a beautiful song.

I feel like this private blog isn't as private as I hoped :/

xx I Died In My Dreams, What's That Supposed To Mean Marz

The Day After

Woke up at 7:30 this morning.

We're going to New York City.

So I got up, took a shower, and went downstairs to eat. My sister comes down and tells me that my 7 yr old nephew peed on my face wash and hair products and hair dryer that was on the floor :| FML! Luckily for me, she's a clean freak and sanitized everything. Boys are stupid.

So Annie, Michael, Little Italy, and I all drove to New Jersey to catch a train to New York. I slept that whole way... the train ride was only an hour. But MAN. It was cold, windy, and rainy in the city. Right as soon as we got off at Penn Station, we walked up from the subway and in front of me was a beautiful cathedral with aged spires and flying buttresses and delicate embellishments. I absolutely adore cathedrals <3

Then we went straight to the Museum of Modern Art for the Tim Burton show. The line to get into the museum was snaking AROUND THE BLOCK. As we were walking down it, we were freaking out that we wouldn't get in. JUST THEN, A MIRACLE HAPPENED. A worker there had 4 tickets he was given for family and friends. He saw us and sold them to us for $10 each. IT WAS LEGIT! We just scored full access tickets and didn't have to wait five minutes! We waltzed in and OH MY GOD. The show was amazing! Lots of sketches, little pieces, paintings, sculptures, even his old assignments from 1975! There was a whole room filled with movie props, costumes, storyboards, and figures from his claymations. It was AMAZING.

After that, we hit up this cool little burger place called Shake Shack. I got a super yummy vanilla shake and this AMAZING Shroom Burger. It was a huge mushroom stuffed with cheese and deep fried in place of a meat patty. It was GODLY. And there were these fat squirrels that lived by the Shake Shack! There were friendly guys... one crawled up Annie's leg! Then we went and saw Strawberry Fields in Central Park. John Lennon was watching us! Ha ha, then we ventured over to Time Square and checked out the NBC and Nintendo store. I bought a Mudkip plushie :)

Oh, somewhere between all of that, we went to this cool music store. Well, it was one company that owned lots of music stores. One would specialize in brass, one in pianos, and the one we went into was the guitar store. I kid you not: wall to wall from floor to ceiling... all different colors, shapes, types, makes, and editions of guitars. It was really awesome to see some of the special paint jobs. There were cute boys in there, too :P Always the musicians with the emo hair. But it was a cool place to check out.

We walked around Rockefeller Center... I totally missed the giant tree all lit up. Bahahahaaa.

And then we came home. Back on the train, back in New Jersey, back in the car, and home again. My jeans were soaked from the bottoms to my knees, and so were my shoes and socks. I wore my easy access holey jeans today that are super baggy and really long... not smart for the rain :|

Well it was a good after Christmas trip :)

xx So Happy Marz

Oh Christmas.

Alright, so quick recap of my Christmas celebration.

Woke up at 10:30 on Friday morning. I was REALLY grouchy... Everyone was getting pissed at how grouchy I was being. I was bumming around the kitchen in the pants Mandy got me, my guard hoodie, and my bunnies in my pocket. I got two bags of Jelly Beans and a pirate license for Christmas. Cool.

Then we went to church... blah blah blah religion. Came home, had delicious hoagies, and bummed around the house for a few hours. I played this awesome new fantasy MMORPG called Shaiya. I'm a blonde elf archer with a giant rack... ha ha, but it's a fun game. So after that, we went over to my sister's place and had food and played with the kids.

We exchanged Pollyanna gifts... I got my Nightwish Lokikirja box set and shirt! Lokikirja is Finnish for logbook, and the box and shirt is themed around sailing... like one of my fave Nightwish songs, The Islander ;) The box set contains the 8 Nightwish albums and a cool booklet, plus a girly cut vintage matching shirt which I ADORE. I'm so happy!!

Then Annie and Michael took me to go see Sherlock Holmes. That was a pretty cool movie! It was exciting and kept me guessing til the very end. I loved it! So much action and fighting matched with bromance and mystery. Delicious.

And that was my Christmas. I spent a lot of time in the car thinking... remembering... missing. Bahhh.

xx Holiday Marz

Merry Freakin Christmas :|

Today wasn't a bad Christmas Eve. Went and saw Fantastic Mr Fox and Avatar, both of which were pretty good. Then went over to my cousin's house like always and feasted on raw oysters, clams, seafood salad, pasta, fish, ten different cakes and even more cookies, and delicious chocolate covered pretzels. It was a good night, like always. We went caroling out in the neighborhood, which was really more of a let's shove people in the snow and throw chunks of ice. Ha ha, Michael almost got me down.

But then we came back in. I sat there by the fire, feeling Jamie's sad and emptiness. Christmas is fun but... lonely :| Just like I described it, I listened to You Would Have Loved This, which my my fave Christmas song :) Here's a link. It's a very pretty song. Don't pay attention to the crappy video.



Yes. Sad sad Christmas. I guess I got my wish but... It wasn't really satisfying. I called Jamie up and talked to her about boys, exboys, prom dresses, parties, dates, and more. I'm sad that Scott broke up with her, but his reasons were somewhat forgivable. Only somewhat. Good fun girl stuff. Bahahaaa :| But talking to her did help... I needed her advice on pressing matters in which the sands are falling quickly into the bottom of the glass. And you know what? I've decided to follow my heart. Sorry, but logic can't save me on this one, man.

And you know what? I'm tired of movies where the couples have nuclear fallouts, get pissed at each other, but still come running back with open arms. Screw that. As if that ever happens in real life. Well, it's time to go to sleep and wallow in memories and such. Leave me alone... I'm a sentimental girl. "Oh, it's so sentimental" as Ville Valo would say after singing 'Like A Virgin' :P
And everyone has interesting horoscopes today... hm...

Merry Christmas, my beloved readers. Thanks for caring.

xx You Would Have Loved This Marz

Too Little Too Late

But we all say uh oh... it's toooo muuuuch toooo laaaaate!

I can't even remember what song that's from. It's called Too Little Too Late and I wanna say it's by Straylight Run, but I could be wrong.

Either way. Yesterday I went to the outlet shops with Little Italy. I checked out Lucky, True Religion, Zumiez, a few shoe places, and of cours Juicy :) I saw tons of cute purses and shirts and jackets at Juicy. I almost called my mom to see if she'd let me get one, but I felt bad cause she just bought me 4 shirts from Metropark that were a good $70 each. Cute shirts, though. Most of them are like, half lace, so they're pretty hot :P Primeval is an awesome brand.

And then we came home and had breakfast for dinner. I've never done that before... it felt weird having pancakes and bacon at 6 PM. I was like... well damn, do I grab another Dr Pepper or do I get some cherry limeaide? Hard choice. I hate eating that early... I had to make another sandwich at 10.

I wrapped presents all night. My little niece is getting this awesome giant Sleeping Beauty coloring book... I need to ask my mom where she got it, cause I want one. I'm looking forward to my gifts when I get home, because from what I've heard from friends, it's gonna be a good Christmas. Plus there's whats-her-face's New Years Eve party that I was invited to. Alyssa? Yeah, I think it's her party. Ha ha, I don't know, because Adam lost my invite! Oh well, it'll still be cool, cause I've never been invited to a New Years party! About time :P

I have a few ideas for prom. I won't tell them, though. Not until I converse with my friends first and get their opinion on the matter. Still gotta remind my dad to call the limo people and get this sorted out now before we all forget about it. Those douchebags owe me a limo.

I'll probably write again later tonight. Off to go read Anette Olzon's blog and delve into what it's like in the life of a musician :)

xx Freezing my Aess (Ha ha, Philly people) Off Marz

Oh Snow!

Today was nice... Woke up at 11:30, showered, then went and got delicious cheese steaks. With onions and hot peppers and cheese fries. So yummy! Then came back and went out to play in the snow with the child Sarah.

I was out there in a t shirt, roomie jacket, coat, jeans, and Etnies. Smart snow outfit? Nope. I had gloves that were ten sizes too big, but I got to feel what it's like to have big hands. So Sarah and I went goofing around in the backyard for a bit until we realized there was a huge pile of plowed snow in the culdesac right down the street. Screw the back yard... let's go to the street. So we ran around and found that some kids dug tunnels through the biggest pile. I fell through a few times :|

But we did make a fun snowman. I intended it to be much taller, like, person sized, but my feet were getting really cold and I was tired and so it comes up to about... the lowest ribs on my torso. Nice and short and with girly eyes. It was fun :) I don't think I ever built a snowman before.

Either way, we came home and thawed. The rest of the afternoon... I don't even remember. I think I took a nap somewhere in all of that. We just kind of bummed around the house. Dinner, some homework help, and some Brawl in the evening. Now, I'm sitting here in the cold basement with Little Italy whining about his Munny doll. I repainted my nails in the dotty blob style I did before... but instead of using my regular colors (black, blue, and green), I used black, green, and my new purple. Well, the purple is about as dark as the black and hardly shows up :|

Oh well. So when I took my short nap today, I had an awesome dream that I was at the nature preserve. It was dark out and decently chilly and I was wearing my green jacket. You could see the stars! Really bright and there were tons of them. I was walking around and for some reason, I got bored and went back to my car. On the hood was a daisy. Before I could pick it up, I woke up. :| Balls, I just wanted that daisy. No one ever gets me flowers. I remember once I went on a mission with Scott to do stuff for Jamie and when we got to her house, he left her a sunflower on her doorstep and sent a text to look outside. That's sweet. I never had that.

Ugh, enough remembering. I'll sing "You Would Have Loved This" on Christmas Eve. I swear. I'll sing it as I lay on the hearth with the dying fire behind me, the lights dimmed down, and the faint smell of espresso in the air. The sounds of poker and drunk people coming from the other room. A belly full of chocolate covered pretzels and seafood salad and oysters and pasta and more. A head full of memories.

xx Chilly Marz

Freezing My Face Off :|

Dude, it's so cold down here in this cold basement. So I'm finally in Philadelphia, after my flight getting canceled once and delayed twice. THERE'S SNOW HEREEEEE! Rode first class up here, which meant we got breakfast. Woo hoo! It was an alright flight... I got nailed at security for all my metal jewelry :|

Let's see... I went out and bought (Well, I used my dad's credit card >.>) a big Teen Titans comic book for $10 plus I got Alessio to get me a Raven figurine, which is super awesome. RAVEN IS THE BESTTTT! She's my favorite super hero :) And you know what? It's dumb that super heroines all have giant boobs and perfect bodies. That sucks for all the rest of us mere mortals.

Hung out with Forrest last night night. I somehow typed night twice. That kid's a riot... I suck at modern gaming, as we all found out. I'm so sorry that I scratched you everywhere and that I made you bleed and that I left a mark. But that's what you get for throwing me around and tickling me, so I feel no remorse. PIRATES ARE BETTER THAN NINJAS, FOOL! FTW!

So I took a nap today and had a weird dream that I was at Brittany Cyr's house in her back yard swimming. Well no, I was laying in the sun... which is weird because I hate the sun. But either way, I was laying in the sun. And I was wearing Jamie's yellow bikini instead of my usual black with rainbow stars. Why yellow? I don't know. Maybe because I am BELLE! But I was just chillin and the sky turned purple. Then I woke up. Crappy dream.

Alright, now I'm writing the other half of this blog about 12 hours later. So I have poopy brown eyes. Everyone says that they're a weird golden color, though. Why can't I ever see the gold? :| I just want to see what the hype is all about. Me and my pop covered golden eyes.

VIRGIN SNOW BENEATH MY FEET PAINTING A WORLD IN WHITE... Ha ha, that's from "Escapist" by Nightwish :) There's plenty of untouched snow here and it's very beautiful. What's not beautiful is all the parental locks on these computers. I never had them when I was a kid.

Uhhhhh I guess I'm done writing now. Ha ha.

xx Cherry Limeaide Marz

Well Balls :/

I'm still in Texas. I should have left on a plane to snowy PA today, but flight got canceled and I'm home again for the day. Balls.

Umm... I have a lot to write bout, actually, but I don't really feel up to writing it all out. I'm listening to The Rasmus on youTube and wow, I love their stuff. I want to buy a CD! They're so fun, and Lauri is adorable ;)

Yesterday at Qdoba was strange. Hmm. Some forces were working with us or against us.

I went bowling last night and sucked. Ha ha. I hate bowling cause I'm not good at it.

And a weird dream, too. I dreamed that Anthony and I were texting on Christmas eve (YES) and then all of the sudden I was playing Sims and my house was on fire. Hmmm, what could this mean? Oh yeah :/

xx Taco Filled Marz

Best Day Ever.

I always feel bad when I think of something negative and mean and then something really good happens concerning what I was thinking about.

So I'm really sorry for saying that D:

Today I went to therapy, took the fitness test (And cheated the pacer test... I only ran 3 laps...), witnessed Stephen being insubordinate and rude to Baldwin, took an impossible test, finished the rest of my Fireworks textbook in Web Mastering, the lights went out, and I had adventures in the dark with friends. Not to mention went to pick up some UGLY SWEATERS! I'm so excited for our ugly sweater day! And tomorrow, we're playing Apples to Apples in history.

He finally talked to meeeee! I'm so happy. A breath of relief. Maybe I'll still get my Christmas Eve wish?

I started 'Fallen' today. It's very good so far! The book smells like Harry Potter books... so it reminds me of Christmas. Oh Christmas. I'm so excited! I get lots of Italian food, seafood salad, oysters and clams, chocolate covered pretzels, amazing baked French toast, sleeping in a basement, snow, and getting to boss kids around. Good times!

But now I need to go open my presents :) Early Christmas!

xx Ecstatic Marz

One Month Down

Yep. It's been one whole month of alone.

I'm not gonna lie, though. I sure do miss love. I miss kissing, I miss hugging, I miss walking. I miss talking. I miss it all.

Oh well. It's nice now that I have someone to text all night with. Well, almost all night, but still. Enough to distract me. See, when I read books, I forget everything that's around me and I focus solely on the plot, the characters, ect. But lately I've been making bracelets like crazy and when I work on those, I do nothing but think: what I love, what I hate, what I want, what I need to do. I think about everything and everyone.

So while sitting in Web Mastering today after finishing my assignment early, I got to work on my current bracelet and started thinking. In the end, I felt like a piece of furniture. I was just sort of... there. Part of the decoration. Comfortable and used most of the time, but before I knew it, I was getting buried under piles and piles of junk that created the great divide (Tarja reference). That's how I can compare to the last few months. I told Jamie... I bet she thinks I'm nuts.

And not to sound bitter or mean or anything, because I'm saying this very matter-of-factly, but it's kind of always about you. You were the one that decided when I was over you. No sir, I'll decide that. You were the one that when I said "Why don't you do this with/for me?", you said that I was criticizing your "unique way of being a boyfriend and comparing you to other boyfriends". Well ok, but no points for cop outs. And we aren't to talk until you decide we're ready, or so you said six days ago.

I dunno. I don't mean for that to be taken the wrong way, but it really is the truth, now that I look back. I'm sorry.

On a much lighter note, I went to Barnes & Noble today to find 'The Bell Jar'. While I couldn't find it, I did buy 'Paradise Lost' and 'Fallen'. The best part is that when I was browsing one end of an aisle, I noticed a very large man crouching at the other end. All of the sudden, I hear this painfully loud fart and the man stands up. I almost laughed because that was so... uncalled for! We're in a public place! He just stood up and walked away. Much too funny!

I made chocolate pretzels tonight and burned my hand on the steam. Lifting weights is gonna hurt tomorrow. But I did realize that when I buy classic books, I feel so cool and educated. So profound and elite. And a saw a good quote by Abraham Lincoln: My best friend is the man who'll get me a book I haven't read.

xx Chocolate Covered Marz

Horoscope! It's True!

"If your efforts at getting ahead all seem squashed before you even get them off the ground, it may be because your heart just isn't in it. The first step, then, is to work yourself up to a higher state of caring. Look at your life situation now, and realize that you do have control and you can pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and reach for the stars. Due to a series of challenging life circumstances, you may have lowered your expectations of what you can achieve. That's nonsense, though. There is no reason you can't get back in touch with your dreams."

THIS IS MY LIFE RIGHT NOW! I absolutely live by my horoscope application. I check it every morning and I check other people's to see what kind of day I'll face.

This is just... wow. My life has sucked lately and I have kind of lost hope for my future. But you know what? My horoscope is right. I totally have the power to control what's become of my life now. My life isn't over just because huge aspects of my life have been sucked away from my veins. I can work around it, work with it, work to it. Maybe my life will pick up and I'll be happy again.

Today was just... weird. I can't believe I pulled a Robert in the hall... Sarah knows what I'm talking about. Ha ha, that was epic. I feel awful for it, though. It's so low, but... I WAS SCARED, ALRIGHT? Scared. Now I'm scared? What's next... who knows.

Tomorrow I have to make my chocolate covered caramel covered pretzels. I need to make a list of who gets them! Damn, I knew I forgot something today. I'll make that list now. I need to make some fridge space, too. I got a lot to make. Maybe I can make some cool designs? We'll see. I'm amazing. Ha ha, I wish.

So I was driving home and I looked back in my rear view mirror and saw a tool driving a truck. He had a lot of hair, too. He kept flipping it around and petting it like it was a puppy or something. What a tool. And he was driving a truck. Go figure! Tools and trucks go hand in hand! And his PSAT scores were pretty good. He beat me in math, but I beat him in LIFE! LIIIIFFFEEE! Ha ha, kidding. We're all winners, man. Even though Leigh puts you down... and even though you broke my heart by ripping the wrapper up and screwing with my brain. What a jerk.

Anyways, time to make the list.

xx Busy Marz

Far Longer Than Forever

Is a good song :)

Today was alright. Went to therapy and got hardcore massaged... and had some trouble pulling weights. Ugh, I'm weak. But I'm making lots of bracelets with all my free time, so there's a plus.

My car was whistling like a teapot this morning... like it was LOUD. You could hear it inside the house it was so loud. But it suddenly stopped, so I guess it's ok now. Ha ha.

Me and Sarah came up with a great cubby idea that we'll execute tomorrow. I went and bought all the nonsense for my chocolate covered pretzels today... $27! It's worth it, I guess. I like making stuff for people. I have to make a list of who's all getting some! I'll do it tomorrow during guard/nap time.

"I've got bruises with their fingerprints... I can do much better I am sure... he's so immature! I see him smiling and my knees start buckling; I see inside him and my doubts are gone..." Oh soundtrack lyrics. My life should be one big musical... that would be awesome.

I went to the band concert tonight. Alone. Usually I go with a friend, but they were all at practice... I realized how little people I know. Ha ha. Well I went and sat by myself for a bit until a group of seniors from last year filled up the space around me. I didn't talk to them.... I don't know them very well. Both ways, the concert was really nice. All the bands did a great job and I must say, top band's first song was absolutely beautiful. The whole time I was listening, I was lost in my own little world. Really nice song.

I went for a few people... they know who they are. Ha ha, Problem Child even got a cupcake out of it. I didn't feel like standing around with a bunch of old people, so I split pretty fast. It was really cold... like my soul! My cold, empty soul. Ha ha.

OH! My secret santa (I think it's Lisa...) got me amazing flannel pants from Old Navy! It's a pair that I have, only in the right size and a different color. That totally made my day! I'm so happy! Flannel pants make me very happy :)

Happy... I guess life's been better. Still somewhat bipolar at times, but much better than before. I just hate waiting... but I'll honor my word. My horoscope has been telling me that love is on its way (I think it came in the wrong package unfortunately :/) and that I'm stressing myself out. Pretty spot on.

Sarah asked me while I drove her to McDonalds why the green and black heart bracelet was hanging from my garage door opener, right in front of my face. I dunno why. I just like it there. I can look at it, remember, and continue living. It's kind of an inspiration to keep going with a positive attitude and remember that it's gonna be alright in the end. He said so. He wouldn't lie...

xx Beauty without a Beast Marz

Red Sky

As I was going to bed last night (Really, this morning, as it was 3 AM), I looked out the window and saw that the sky was glowing red. Red of passion, or red of anger? Red of fire, red of love, red of hate. All different sorts of red. It was beautiful.

Today I saw Where the Wild Things Are. Me and the boy were supposed to go see it weeks ago, but I guess we ran out of time. It was really cute, artsy, touching, and definitely not a kids movie. Not that there was anything bad in it, but the situations were very mature and kids wouldn't understand. It was great, though. I don't remember if I read the book... I wasn't into kid books when I was a kid.

Bleh, that's all I do is read. Read and paint. Read and paint and spin. I need new hobbies. Me and Sarah need to go work on our unfinished zombie film and on Yarnboy. That one will make us famous someday. Ha ha.

Tomorrow will be busy. I need to go buy stuff to make my new chocolate caramel pretzels and buy secret santa nonsense. Then I'll go see the concert at school. I told Scott I'd go see his concert tomorrow, but my school is better than yours, so mine wins. Ha ha, sorry man. I was so looking forward to seeing you in a dress.

There was something else I wanted to write about... I dunno. I found this cool skate park/dog park by the Lewisville dump. I want to go to it again because it's really cool. The place is swarming with boys and dogs: what could be better? Ha ha, kidding. Skater boys are tools. I need someone artsy who understands creativity. Music, art, dance, theater, writer, whatever: they all work just fine and know what's up.

I finally wrote an email for Sealy so he'll sign my paper to get me out of winterguard. About damn time. Although I watched Duncanville's final video and felt this really sad twinge of pain. I remembered contests: how much fun they were, how much they sucked, bus buddies, sneaking phones around, sitting in the stands, and eating giant cookies. Ha ha, me and Heather used to always get mad at our boys because they were being dumb and ignoring us. And then Scott would yell at us and tell us how much our show sucked even though we were all really happy with it. Oh marching season. I miss you.

Time to go take out trash and shower. Maybe read or write or draw. Something.

I found two notes and taped them to my wall behind my bed. I've almost got them memorized.

xx The Islander Marz

In Six Hundred and Sixty Six Ways I'll love You...

Oh, such a good song. "For You" by HIM.

Let's see. Today I worked Sonic from 2:30-5. It wasn't too bad, if anything seemed to go by even faster than ever. I don't think the tips were as good because we weren't wearing short shorts. Hmmm...

Then I went and got gas. See, I'm not sure that dad knows that I'm actually paying for my own gas. He thinks he's paying for it. Silly old man. I'm not that much of a freeloader. Turns out if I'm about to hit red, $40 fills it up to nearly full. Good call, you gas guzzling tank. But I love my truck, so it's ok. It's got great butt warmers for the bitter cold Texas weather. YEAH!

Babysat in the evening. The kid is always pretty fun. Tonight, we played Lego Star Wars. We've played before, but tonight we actually went on missions and stuff, so it was fun. I like being the blue girl... Use my Force. But tonight he made me pick a guy with a gun so I went with Chewy. Ha ha, Scott. Jewbaca. Then we played Billy & Mandy and watched the Simpsons Movie. Pretty good night. After I got him to bed, I watched 3 That '70s Shows, part of Fight Club, half of Degrassi (Such a dumb show.), and Platinum Weddings.

As I sat there, I couldn't help but wonder. What'll my future be? I found a really sweet love note by the sink that came with some flowers. I wonder what my future will turn into. Ha ha, it better be alright, or I'll kick life in the face.

I looked for vintage prom dresses tonight. All the cute '50s dresses were really expensive... I guess I'll just stick with my red dress. If anything, I feel really fancy in it cause it was made by a pretty swanky celebrity designer. I just want to go find some good, high heels for it because for some reason, I feel so short in that dress. Well I'm just short in general. And small. Everything with me is small. Bleh. It could be worse, I guess.

And now I'm sitting here eating artichokes that taste too strongly of basil for me to enjoy them fully. My eyes burn, my hair is unruly, and I'm still wearing my blue guard jacket. But the amazing thing is these days, my phone's battery lasts until I go to bed. Like, I can go to bed with half my bars still up.

Who reads my blog? I wasn't aware it was ready by anyone. I don't mind, because I'll write whatever I want. Darren Shan said that the only way to ever get better at writing is to keep writing. I trust him, because he's sold tons of books and write successful horror series. I wish my life could be like that someday.

There's probably more to ran about, but... eh. I'll think of it later.

xx Contemplative Marz

New Car CD

In light of recent events, I've decided to pull that depressing CD out of my car and create a new one. There's this part of Beauty and the Beast 2 where the beast walks up to Forte and says "I want you to write a song for Belle. Make it... HAPPY!" So that's what my CD is: uplifting, generally good driving music. A step up from easy listening.

Today was fantastic. I had a good nap during first period and did nothing but read in every class. Seriously, I had a good hour or more in every class to just sit back and read. I started (And nearly finished) a book called Beastly, which tells the story of Beauty and the Beast from the beast's point of view. How he used to be mean and nasty and outrageously handsome, but turned into a rose-loving scholar and loving creature. The "Beauty" is a ginger named Linda. I'm envious of all the books they read together.

Look up Sonnet 54. It's a beautiful poem by Shakespeare. Try to find a modern translation.

I can't help but want to smile all the time now. Things are mildly improving all around. It's a like a garden out of winter, when the tiny green sprouts are just starting to burst out of the ground. At the same time, I feel a tinge of sadness because things didn't happen like I had hoped and dreamed. But that's ok, I guess life's just full of these unexpected twists.

I told Sarah we could go to prom together now. I have to figure out who's all in the limo/dinner... I know Heather, Jamie and Sarah want in. I think Alli does, too. And I assume their dates.

Prom. So far away. But so close. It's almost 2010. I think I want to find a new dress. I saw a few gorgeous '50s dresses that would look great on me... kind of pricey, but we'll see. I love the prom and formal dresses of the '50s. So girly and fun. I'm thinking red, since I look good in that. Maybe green. Possibly black. I dunno. At least my mom can do free flowers. Ha ha. There's a plus.

Why am I thinking ahead? I've done a lot of strange things lately. Today, Forrest and I talked trucks for an hour. Comparing this to that, then onto SUVs and more. I didn't realize how much of an opinion I had about trucks. Ha ha. I think pick up trucks look a bit silly, honestly. I'd never get one. They're definitely a man's car. I'd like to get an Explorer or a newer Tahoe someday. In green, of course. Maybe blue. I dunno. Ha ha, when I was a kid, I always wanted a red VW Beetle so I could paint black spots on it. I had some awesome expectations as a kid.

I'm glad that my friends talk about me and ready my phone messages while I nap during guard. "How's she taking it?" "Better than I expected..." Ha ha, talk about talking abut someone behind their back. But they're so good to me, so I can't complain. I have the best friends ever. Even if friend initiation includes spitting in each others eyes and farting on someone's face while they sleep. Good times.

Time to go start Wes's shoes. Andrew and I are supposed to hang out so I can paint his shoes.

Life is strange.

xx Fresh Marz

Oh Blog.

Oh blog, you've certainly done me in this time.

It's cold. Much too cold. This room gets no heat.

So glad it's Friday tomorrow. I need the weekend to make money and sleep in. There's nothing I love more than the feeling of a cold room in the morning, but you're all wrapped up in a zillion blankets, so it's ok, because you're really warm. I need me one of those mornings.

I just realized I signed up to work at Sonic, although since I'm not really a part of the winterguard anymore, I don't really have to go work. But I still want to be a part of it, even if I can't perform. I want to go to Austin and all the competitions and do everything but perform. I hope it works out ok. I wonder who is really getting my spot. Scott can't put Lisa there... she's a flag, so she can't just switch spots all of the sudden. I wonder if Problem Child will get it. Or wait, isn't she a flag, too? Surely not Hinch. Oh no no no.

So much change. This is one memorable year to look back on.

I must say, I feel really weird. Kind of nervous, a bit sad, really hopeful, and much more optimistic than I've been in a long time. It's like Requiem on crack, ha ha. Oh winterguard/Mozart jokes. It's gonna be alright. Everything will be ok in the end. Patience is my friend here. Patience will bring me back my friend. If I spoke Italian, the best way to describe myself would be "Anima Libera". Gone is the hate, the sorrow, the ill feelings, the awful glance around the corner. I'm pulling that CD I made after we broke up out of my car and making a new one, a better one. A disc full of happy.

Hopefully I can sleep peacefully now. Not another tear from me. I feel like the ending of a book. I've been resolved. This is like, the ending of the last "Cirque Du Freak" book and "Anatomy of a Boyfriend" combined. In CFD, Darren's soul unravels and he floats up to Paradise, where his loved ones are waiting. In AoaB, Dom yells at Wes for the last time and then she experiences a rush of freedom after pushing him away for the last time. In both books, the main characters found peace and happiness.

Mmm, English class. How exciting!

"Don't you know it's gonna be... alright..." - The Beatles, "All You Need Is Love"

xx Free Soul Marz

Wow, I'm Sorry.

I didn't mean that. I was just in such a bad mood during Web Mastering.

Bleh. I did mean the I don't love you anymore part, though. The rest was just byproducts of rage. I didn't mean any of it.

I just feel so alone.

I do want to be your friend, because we were great friends. I'm just afraid you don't want to be my friend.

This has just been the most awful month ever. I lost my boyfriend, my love, my shoulders, and winterguard. I'm just so pissed about everything going against me.

Ughhhh. FML. Jamie's trying to set me up on a date with some Creekveiw tuba that I don't even know. Blake keeps saying hi to me. Jose gets me my papers now. What the hell is going on?

Time for some Cane's and cherry limeaid and That '70s Show. I don't like this part of the series, though, where Donna and Eric were getting married. Everyone hates everyone. Blah blah blaaaah.

xx Lonesome Marz

You Know What?

I'm done with you.

I've come to that conclusion. While at therapy, I realized that I'm wasting my time. I'm bitter and mean and really, I could be out being happy right now, living my life, doing fun stuff.

I don't love you any more.

You ditched me. You broke my heart. You lied to me.

I can't believe I actually was dumb enough to believe you when you looked me in the eye and told me I was still your really good friend. I actually thought that you meant it. Nope. It just goes to show that when guys say "We can still be friends" it means that "I want you out of my life".

But it's ok. I'm freeing myself from you. Maybe someday you'll be able to walk up to me and say hi. But whenever you're ready. I've got all the time in the world.

Looks like I have to find someone else to text on Christmas Eve. We did that for years, you and I. Oh well.

xx A Finished Marz

I Thought I Could Change You, But You Changed Me

Let's see... now that I'm out of my mushy gushy "I love him so much and I wish he was mine again!" and into my "Wow, you're a tool douche bag faggot and I hate your guts for lying to me but I still think you're cute and I want you back" phase, let's asses the changes:

- Dark hair
- Higher level of profanity
- Staying up later
- Not doing homework
- Meaner to people
- Crying to sleep
- AIM
- Napping
- Hating life

Eh, it could be worse. I could be a suicidal cutter, but luckily I'm just sleeping it all off.

One Week Later

Still as manic and cynical as ever.

One moment I love him, and the idea of him makes me cry, but the next moment I find myself cursing his name. I've imagined a whole lot of things I wish I could say to his face, but sadly I'm not brave enough.

I remember one Sunday when we got into a fight and stopped talking. Later that afternoon, he texted me saying that Owl City reminded him of me. Now I think of that when I listen to Owl City and wonder if it still has the same effect on him.

I tried IMing him twice and sent him a Facebook chat. He never responded to anything. I love how he told me I was still his really good friend.

You're such a liar.

Part of me just wants to hate him and tell him how it is. I was nothing but good to you and I spent my time and energy trying to be a good girlfriend because I loved you. All I asked for was a little something in return. Although I feel like if I try to tell him, he'll get all pissy and say that I'm attacking him and make me out to be the bad person. No, he needs to learn to take blame for things. I'm not attacking you, I'm trying to tell you how I feel. God, hold your temper down.

I'm a mess. A manic mess. Basketcase? Yeah. You created this monster. Thanks a lot and enjoy living your life.

xx Bitter Marz

He Tried!

He tried to physically see me today!

But I wasn't at school.

I don't want my bracelet back. I want you to keep it. I thought of you the whole time while I was making it and it's just a little thing that keeps me content knowing you have it.

If we're still such good friends as you reassured me, why don't you ever talk to me?

I swear, I'll drive myself to depression.

xx Pained Marz

All I Ever Wanted, I Will Never Have.

The reason I was being so awful in the end was because I was tired of not having what everyone else had. I was so jealous of everyone getting all the things I wanted with their boyfriends.

They wore their boy's jackets. Their boys drove them to school. Their boys set aside specific time for them. Their boys called them beautiful, cute, amazing, pretty. Their boys made a point to show up and spend time with them.

That's all I wanted: attention. Just telling me you love me everyday just isn't enough. The only times I remember you looking into my eyes and calling me pretty was at banquet, at homecoming, and on the double date. I didn't realize that I was only strikingly pretty when I was in a nice dress. Tell me I look nice when I show up in a nice shirt. Come see me in the morning after you get settled in. Show up randomly on my front porch with a smile and a daisy. When we're walking together, please talk to me, because I don't see you all day. Maybe come spend some free time with me when we're at band competitions. Maybe sit with me in the stands. Insist that I wear your jacket and keep it for a few days. Offer to take me to school. SURPRISE ME. When I'm in a really bad mood at my Halloween party, don't just get all offended when I snap at you. Maybe you should ask me what's wrong.

Just take some blame, that's all. You always made me out to be the one with all the problems. I know I share the blame, because I was just getting whiny and catty. But that's because I was feeling less and less from you.

I love you no matter what. Even if you're a dumb boy that needs to learn a thing or two about how to treat a girl, I'm patient and willing to handle you. People ask me, "Why do you want him back? He's awful." Well, maybe to you he is, but to me, he's the sweetest thing out there. He makes me laugh because I'm not funny. He's really smart and logical where I'm just lofty and imaginative. He's tough, blunt, and beastly, where I'm quiet, gentle, and sweet. We just work. Not to mention he's the only boy who can catch my eye. He's the best looking guy I've ever come across. I just love everything about him... the way I feel so warm when he hugs and holds me, how amazing he smelled, and that look he would make when we were alone together. The lights would be dim and he's stare at me with relaxed eyes and a slight smile that just melts my heart.

And he saw me when no one else did. I've never really had any guys friends... except for him. He was the reason I got into texting, he was the reason I got a Facebook, Twitter, and began blogging. I owe so much of my life to him. He's shaped the world I live in. We always text on Christmas Eve... Perhaps it's ironic that I adore Tarja's "You Would Have Loved This".

He's the only one for me. I hate when people tell me "You'll find someone better." or "He's not the only guy out there." Well you know what? 16 months with him has made him the only guy for me and the only one I want.

xx Sad, But Hopeful Marz

You Created This Monster.

Alright, so the week went by fine. I knew today would be different.

I saw him across the band hall. His hair's so long and flippy, just how I love it. It's the last day of No Shave November, but knowing him, he won't shave.

I dreamed that maybe today, he'd come running back to me, whisk me up into his arms, and tell me how much he loved me and never wanted to let me go again. Nah, typical day, where we don't say a word.

Sarah and I decided to take a walk down to the practice field to dance and watch the sunset. We found out there's 84 steps from the back to the front sideline. While walking, I saw his truck instantly and felt sad. Really sad. But we continued to dance and act stupid and have a good time.

And then he showed up.

I knew it was him, even from a distance. I recognized the body, the walk, and the shirt before I could make out his face. We were far away enough to where we couldn't read each other's faces, but I snuck glances up while flipping my hair around. He looked down at me. I wanted to wave.

And that was that. He drove off and I went home because it was getting late. When I got home, I was talking to Jamie a lot about life as it is ("Pain, misery, cruelty. I've heard all the voices of God's noblest creatures and I ask...") and when I saw the little Facebook notification pop up "Anthony Milas commented on your status", my heart rattled and I felt like it was about to burst out. My stomach was rattling, too, so much that I had to ask Jamie to read it for me before I could read it. Afterwards, I was so shaky and kind of nervously happy.

I just want him back.

xx Stonehearted Marz

This Is Getting Awful.

Three posts in one night. That's just how lonely I am. I have so much on my mind, so much I want, just too much.

I wish he'd text me.

I don't want to look overly anxious and text right away. I suppose boundaries must be set now and space must be honored. Ugh, I wish we'd text until the early hours of the morning. I actually want to go to bed before 12 because I have nothing to do and I'm not talking to him. So it's like, I could easily go to sleep now, but... I dunno. I want to text him so bad. Maybe in a little bit.

I miss that kid. I still have our texts from the 16th... the last texts we sent while together. Also the last fight. Meh. I'm depressed.

xx Lonely Marz

Depressed Again/I Wonder

So at dinner I told my dad about the break up. And he reacted with a supportive attitude and I told him not to worry. That I'm alright.

But I'm not.

Every time my phone beeps, I hope it's him. I jump to check it only to see it's one of three people that aren't him. Then I get sad. He's not on Facebook... I'm not a stalker, I just notice these things. I wonder what he's doing on a Friday night. The nights we both looked so forward to. I wonder if he's out living life better than before, now that the ball and chain is gone. I wonder if he's having fun, enjoying life, looking at other girls.

Or maybe he's sad, too. He should be... I mean, 16 months with someone tends to collect some feelings. But he doesn't want me totally back. I can't wait for the day when he does, though. Because I'll still be here. I don't even want to date again, not until him. He's the only one I want.

I wonder if he regrets anything. Things we did, things we didn't, things we said. I sure don't. But I'm so terribly lonely. I miss texting him into the late hours of the night. Phone calls at 3 AM. Those were nice. Now I'm utterly alone. I don't want to text my friends because that's just not satisfying. I just want to text him.

I wonder if he feels the same. Is he texting all of his friends, or no one at all? Does he miss talking to me like I miss talking to him? When we do start talking again, will it be like it used to be, only without the "I Love You"s and constant smilies? Will we be so personal or be vague?

I don't know. I just hate this. I have a long week to think about nothing but him.

xx Heart-aching Marz

On The Third Day

We spoke.

I've had this planned since yesterday. Everything I wanted to say. So today I finally sucked up enough courage to talk to him. Well I didn't really have much of a choice, because we kind of ran into each other. Maybe by fate?

I dunno. I feel really liberated after talking. Like, it was probably one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with, but I feel like I did alright. And I didn't even come close to crying.

I guess what he wants is fair. To just be friends right now. I think I wanted to die when he said he'd been kind of pulling away lately... that really hurt. God. I can't not like him. I don't know life without not liking him. It's been so many years that I don't know when I'll move on.

I can't really recall what it was like before we were dating. How often did we talk? On AIM? Over texting? I remember distinct conversations word for word. I have them all memorized in my heart. Really dumb ones, but memorable.

Once he said he was about to kill himself (Jokingly) because no one else was on and I was there to save him. And then when he was pouring his heart out about Brittany. And then I was playing with Legos, he said we'd paint a picture with our blood. And I remember when we first started the whole joke of having kids together and how awesome they'd be. Such good, innocent times.

Maybe we need the time apart. Maybe it'll strengthen us. I hope so, because I just want him back. Him always and forever.

I've seen your face a thousand times
Have all your stories memorized
I've kissed your lips a million ways
But I still love to have you around

I've held you too many times to count
I think I know you inside out
And we're together most days
But I still love to have you around

And you're the one I want and it's not just a phase
And you're the one I trust, our love is the real thing

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I'm happiest when we spend time

You're a salty water, ocean wave
You knock me down, you kiss my face
I know the storms will always come
But I still love to have you around

Heavens knows what will come next
So emotional, you're so complex
A rollercoaster, built to crash
But I still love to have you around

You're the one I want and it's not just a phase
You're the one I trust, our love is the real thing

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I'm happiest when we spend time (it's only you and I)

It's you there when I close my eyes
And you in the morning
I never thought you'd still be mine
Or I'd really need to have you around

Don't go away
My love (my love)
I want you to stay
In my life
Don't go away
My lover (my love)
I need you, you're my love supply

"The Real Thing" by Gwen Stefani

xx Empty Hearted Marz

It's Over

I can't believe this. Tomorrow would have been 16 long months together. The day after that would have been his birthday. I had a big ol surprise planned out. Not anymore.

He dumped me. Cause of the fighting. I told him I'd stop, that I'd change (Because he's too stubborn to.). I hoped he'd take that, but he stuck to his philosophy that two people shouldn't change just to be together.

I've liked this kid ever since 7th grade. And now we're in 11th. He was my first guy friend and the first guy who I felt close to. The first guy I ever really liked. Really loved. I know, high school kids don't know love, but dammit, yes I do. He was everything to me. He saw me when no one else did and was always there to talk to.

I was so hoping when he pulled me off to the corner, he would tell me how much he loved me and that we'd make it though it all. But no. None of that. Burdened by 5 heavy bags, he broke up with me with people all around. I couldn't look at him in the eyes. I could only look down at his shirt. I used to love it, but now it spawns only sadness and heartache.

I don't know what's up. I'm either distracted and content or bawling my eyes out. How long will this last? Will I ever stop liking him? Will I move on? Can we be together again? I just want him back. That's all I want. I can't bear to look at his picture on my phone next to his name because it's my favorite picture of him and he looks so good, so mysterious but soft spoken. I adore it so much, but the sight of it makes me cry.

You would have loved this
You always loved this
I know you loved this time of year
And though I understand
One day again I'll see you
I long to touch your hand,
hear your voice, feel you

It's a song called "You Would Have Loved This" by Tarja. It's about missing someone at Christmas. But it's the only song in my heart now.

xx Heartbroken Marz

Why Do They Have It So Easy?

It's no big secret that I absolutely ADORE Beauty and the Beast. It's my favorite movie. Smart and pretty girl is sent away to live in a beautiful caste with an immaculate library and a magic rose and a grumpy, but lovable beast. But Belle is tough enough to take matters into her own hands and won't settle for what she doesn't want. She's clever and desirable. Fave movie.

So then tonight I was watching The Swan Princess and fell in love again. She gets to run around in pretty dresses, lives in a huge castle, moonlight serenades, and being loves for more than being beautiful. And she gets to go on adventures and try to fight for her freedom. Granted, this movie centers solely around declaring love, but it is made clear that she wants to be cared for for more than her great looks.

I'm gonna plan my dream life out right now. There's a pretty forest with a cute creek and a gently bubbling waterfall. Just through the trees, there's a large castle with high towers. High Ren Gothic, but beautiful and white. Statues and balconies everywhere. Extensive gardens all around with every kind of flower in it. The castle has a giant hall in it with a huge staircase that splits off into two wings of the castle. There are many rooms, but two special rooms.

One is a giant library, four stories tall at least, and completely covered in books and reference materials of all kinds. The other room is a moderately sized room. Black and white checkered tiles on the floor turned to be like diamonds and stone walls. In the center is a canvas and paints, and on the walls are all my my life's work. Nothing else in the room but a door. No windows, only candles on the wall.

I have an aviary, as well. Ten crows, ten doves, and two swans, most likely. And a room built for bunnies, filled with eight bunnies. I have Emma there, too. There's a large room specifically for my closet, filled with gorgeous dresses and jewelry.

And my prince, of course. Charming, but clever. Knows when to talk and when to shut up. Tells me I'm pretty and compliments me. Understands exactly what I mean and surprises me. Is loyal and reminds me that I'm the only one.

Yeah, that would be the perfect life.
xx Marz

Hot Damn

It's been quite a while since my last post. I must say, life has improved.

I miss pixel art dearly. It was one of those things that I excelled at, that I felt really good about. I've improved so much over the last few years and just when I'm at my peak, I've quit. It's kind of sad, really, but in a way liberating.

Next is piano. I desperately want to practice piano, even though I don't know how to play. I can pick up basic tunes and key strokes, but nothing complex. I'm wanting to experiment with CHORDS! That's a step up from my basic "Phantom of the Opera" melody. Ha ha. I just want to give it a go... maybe piano will be my musical calling card, since I want to try as many art forms as I can. While I have scratched music off my list, I'll toss it back in. Who knows?

I really want to play "Amaranth". Even if I could just produce the chorus... "Caress the one, the never fading rain in your heart/ The tears of snow-white sorrow/ Caress the one, the hiding Amaranth in a land/ Of the daybreak" or we could switch bands and lyrics and go "Where is the love in every fading rainbow/ High above trees, beyond the moon and stars/ Where is the love, how could you say it's over/ Where is the love?" Same tune. Same beautiful tune. And I just adore Tuomas's little intro during the Veen rehearsal. So pretty.

GAH. Halloween party this weekend. Gotta go clean my rooms for it. Peace.

xx Marz

Junior Toils

New year. Fun fun.

First period, guard. Nothing special, except that winterguard is second period next semester! Lame! Like, really? It's gross. We're supposed to be getting our locker rooms this week...

Second period, US history. Not too bad, I guess. I'm good at history. It's a very quiet class, but that'll probably change soon enough. It always does.

Third period, algebra 2. First off, I have the scariest teacher ever with a shrill voice to match her icy heart. And Chris is in my class! WTF, really? Like, I saw him earlier and kinda avoided him. Then I almost ran into him coming out of history and now he shows up in my class?! SRSLY. Not cool. I tried being nice, saying hello and all, but I got IGNORED. Fine, if you wanna play that game, we can, you douchebag. Don't be pissed at me because I didn't text you all summer. You could have texted me. What's super creepy is that he and the teacher have the same icy eyes, kinda narrow, but smooth, if that even makes sense. But oooh, looking at her reminds me of him. And worse off, he's blind as a bat, so she'll probably move him up to the front. And knowing my luck, RIGHT BY ME. Ughhh. I suck at math.

Fourth period, web mastering. A very fun and chill way to end my day. Hey, something epic I'm good at! This is quite fun.

Next semester, I get English with Anthony and Jamie. Cool beans! Me and Heather stopped by to see Mr. M the past two days and he was very happy to see us. Tee hee, he had on shorts today. WTF? Mr. M, you can't wear shorts. You have skinny white legs that have never seen sunlight. It was cute.

I need to stop by and see Mrs. K and figure out if I can get out of online health.

Ooooh. A lot to do.

xx Marz

Week Two

And so doth the end of the second week commeth on this day of virtue and woeful countenances. I'm sore as crap, covered in more bruises than ever, incredibly sunburned, exhausted, and brain dead. I'm sick of being around people. I just want to be left alone to do things on my own time without someone barking "UP ON 8!" or "AGAIN!". And that sun. Ooooh I hate that sun and the sweat and the longing for water that Sealy never gives.

Oh well. I'm too tired to type.

xx Marz

Life's Good.

Life's back to normal. Somewhat.

I bought a new album... "The Classical Conspiracy" by Epica, a Dutch symphonic metal band very similar to Nightwish. I quite enjoy them from the few songs I've heard so far. And come on, 28 songs for $10? Great deal! Freaking "Dark Passion Play" was $20 for two discs... and the second disc was just instrumentals. But it's still an amazing album <3

It's an interesting age we live in... I was looking through my CDs and realized, crap! I only own like, 6 legitimate albums. The rest are digital. Like, wow. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy the album art and everything and preferably, yes, I would like to have everything in actual legit album form, but digital is so much easier, especially since my phone is my music player. We really don't need CDs anymore, save for car trips or stereos. But even then, you can just plug in your iPod/MP3.

Oh well. Music is music.

I'm doing well with my Raven costume! I just need to get the last wrist jewel all sewn/glued/velcro'd and the leotard is mostly done. I'm waiting for my wig to get in and Sarah's mom to sew the cape. And with whatever leftover fabric there is (and there should be plenty), I'm going to make wrist cuffs and (hopefully) cover my boots. If not, they're fine just black. I guess. I dunno. I am sad to have to cut a lot of my wig off. But hey, it's worth it to be gorgeous! I should try out my make up tonight... Hmm.

This album is cool!
xx Marz

My Life is a Bucket of Fail.

I didn't make sabre line yesterday.

I mean, I was at a double disadvantage. For one, I just injured my index finger the day before and was spinning with a bandaged up and hurting finger. That is no fun, because I couldn't get a good grip and I was cramping my hand because I had to hold my finger out. The second disadvantage was that I was sitting out for two months because of my shoulders and during those two months, everyone got to learn weapon technique and tosses and stuff. Well, fat lot of good that did me sitting out.

Oh well. Yeah, it's depressing, but I got over it quickly. At least I made rifle line. And hey, it kinda feels nice to be one of the best flags, the one with all the answers who gets to run reps and make corrections; the one newbs look up to and follow.


And then we have my almost heartbreak. I suck at arguing and defending myself. I know that well. But I didn't know it bothered him so badly because he's a fiery person with a temper and I got exploded at tonight. I had it coming, really, I did. But it just sucked because at the end of the day, I'm only thinking of him. Even though he says he doesn't care, I'm still thinking of him. He might not know it. Or maybe he does. I don't know. All I know is that I made him mad and I can't believe I let myself do that because it's just not right. Not right at all.

But shouldn't love be about embracing what's different and finding a good middle ground? Well, I guess that doesn't even come close to what this was about.

I don't want to lose him. I love that boy so hardcore and I'll do anything so that we can stay together. We said goodnight, he said nothing, but I told him that I loved him.

xx Mars

Really?

Your phone is always in your hands. How could you forget that it was in your jeans for a full hour?

Maybe that's why I'm mad. I dunno, normally I don't mind the peace and quiet. But I kinda felt ignored. But whatever. I ruined a perfectly marvelous sketch I did last night due to my ignorance and inability to properly use good art markers. I didn't know how dark the ink was. I didn't know how much they'd bleed.

I'm deeply saddened. To wallow in depressive feelings is completely outrageous, but I can't think of any other way to be. And sleep is the only thing that will fix this. Too bad that this is one of my last nights of summer, so I'll want to stay up late. Ugh.

I hate life.

xx Marz

Tarja vs Anette

Ok, While on deviantART the other day, I ran into an artist who drew beautiful Nightwish pictures, most notably Tarja. And wow, those were amazing pictures of Tarja. As I went down to leave a comment on them, I was shocked at the comments I saw posted already. People bashing on Anette, people bashing on Tarja, people bashing on both at the same time.

Why must people be so uncivilized? Respect and opinion are two different things. For example, I prefer Anette over Tarja because I like her singing style better and overall style and mannerisms better. I respect Tarja's voice and classicism, but I still like Anette better. Really, they're both amazing at what they do. Anette did not ruin Nightwish just as Tarja's leaving did not kill Nightwish forever.

So why don't people understand? It's fine if you like one over the other, but there's no need to bash on the other. Accept opinion and don't make a war of it.

On side note, it's storming outside.

xx Marz

New Blog

I deleted my old blog and made a new one.

Well, it's not like anyone reads these, anyways. I could practically divulge all secrets and no one would ever find out. Well, some 12 year old in Taiwan might, but hey, I'll chance it.

Bleh. My fingers are sore from the hardship of learning how Photoshop works. On the plus, I'm pretty good with blending and gradients and such. I did my first photo blend and then made me a pretty wallpaper with my favorite Anette Olzon picture ^__^ Very nice.

Speaking of Anette, I wish I had a cool accent. I love how she speak English... it's just wonderful. She says some words funny (but cute) like sauna, princess, important, and more. Oh well. Yay Americans? [/sarcasm]

Jylhä on kauneus ja ääretön yksinäisyyteni
Sitä henkeensä halajaa
Kehtoni hauta, hautani paikka
Erämaan viimeinen on!

Tee hee, I love that song. In English, it goes like this: "Rugged is beauty and infinite my loneliness/It's longed for spirit by/Tomb of my cradle, place of my tomb/Last of the wilds is" Course, those would be the lyrics if it was sung in English. Nightwish only released the vocals of that song in gorgeous Suomi... and only in Suomiland! What's up with that? Greedy jerks. Ha ha. Although, the girl who sang the Finnish lyrics has a lovely voice. She kinda reminds me of a pixie. No, not a jerk pixie like me, but a sweet pixie. Apparently she's from a band called Indica? Can't find them on iTunes. they seem to sing all Finnish songs =D I want to learn Finnish. That would be so so cool. Maybe Swedish.

Oh well. Back to Youtubs fur mich.

xx Marz