Again

It's consuming me again. That hollowness and aching all over that demands my full attention and doesn't let me thrive. It tells me to lay in bed and sleep some more, or lay in bed and think about all the fears gnawing at me.

Is this a relapse into anxiety? Life was going so well. Life's been amazing. But then why are new fears taking the place of old ones? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I thought I was done feeling like this. No one should have to feel like this.

But why did you have to be so wonderful.

xx Say The Word And I Will Follow You Marz

Forgetting Those We Love

There's a line I'm trying to remember, something about "And so the rug is dahsed from beneath his feet" or something close, and for the life of me I can't remember the line or what it's even a quote from, but it feels appropriate.

Most of the time, the best way to forget someone is to expel them from you mind and life, and although the isolation is hard, it definitely helps. I remember relying on this tactic in the past, and it's strange to think about. Unfortunately in the isolation, you find yourself buried in the thoughts of another and it gets deep.

Heavy, cold, resonating. Hollow, cavernous, alone.

xx Everynight I Burn Marz

Here We Go Again

I feel like I should write a book based on my life... but it would be a very redundant book. It's just exhausting, because I'm tired of feeling like such a bad person, even though I haven't done anything. Or I guess, that's the problem, is I did something that gets me intro trouble unknowingly. I just hate being the cause of people's heart and headache.

It's just hard trying to find myself now that my brain is repairing itself and I have a new love for life. I want to be different than I was before. I want to bust out of my shell and experience people and places and opportunities I may never get again. I want to be heroic, shameful, studious, and all the things that are supposed to happen in college.

Tangent... I hate hurting those I care about, because I seem to be bugging everyone with a penis lately.

xx Fighting To Light The Way Marz

Pokerface Mood

I think I might be tired of having no schedule... the days are all the same, more or less. Wake up at an ungodly hour, lay in bed for a few hours, take another hour to shower, go to work for a few more hours, then come home and fall asleep.

I don't know. I'm just always feeling so... nothing. Not really hollow, or chill, or calm, just kind of... like I'm holding my breath for no reason. No real passion or desire for anything. Aren't antidepressants supposed to make you feel better? Less... you know, depressed?

Therapy wasn't anything like I'd have expected. So I might have bi-polar II and PTSD. That's nice! Although it did help reaffirm some things bugging me. Oh well, hopefully Monday will be better!

xx In This Brief Flight Of Time Marz

Taking Control Of My Life

Therapy
Pills
Gym once a week
Bunny attention
Out of my room