Happy 200th post, blog! You've gone through quite a bit.
Today was so awesome. I couldn't sleep last night... I was too excited about today, honestly. My mind was racing and I felt that familiar warm feeling in my gut that can only mean extreme happiness :) The day was laid back: Easy guard morning, easy math test and some deliciously hot reading afterward (Rose finally made a move on Dimitri and he even got her dress off! Nice!), less than productive art, and then finally awesome sauce!
We spent the afternoon together going on crazy adventures. I'm pretty sure we visited four different cities in a matter of an hour and a half :) I hate saying goodbye... I wish there were more hours in the day for us to be together. I dunno, it's kind of interesting this way, because we never know when we'll see each other again and it makes everything more special in a weird way. I'm happy regardless :)
Tonight we started to play with some crazy back bends and had a really good time joking around with Scott. I know he prefers us getting down to business, but he chimes in with the jokes frequently, so he has no room to talk! But oh my God, Natalie is so dead. I don't appreciate coming to school and seeing my bag and water bottle out in the hallway just because YOU didn't want it in the guard room. Um, no. One, my stuff was wet and sticky from soda being spilled and it was drying. Two, I was gonna come back and get it because it's my shit and I'm responsible. Three, don't you ever touch other people's stuff. And four, it's not your guard room, so don't treat it like it is. I don't care if you want to keep it clean, but seriously, you're not in control. It was so rude of her to roll her eyes at Heather when she was making a calm comment on the situation on my behalf. She's a nasty girl... good thing she's on JV. I'd have killed her by now.
Dammit, missed 11:11. But I don't know what to wish for anymore... I got my wish :)
xx Come On Baby, Don't Fear The Reaper Marz
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Eeeeeeeee!
Eeeeeee! I don't think my excited sound translates well onto the keyboard. Because I'm very excited :) Today was probably one of the best Mondays I've ever had, minus a few minor issues... Well I guess it was one of the generally happiest/not grouchy mood Mondays ever!
You know, Sarah and I had a nice chat last night about our boys. And then today we had an even longer one at the nature preserve and I realized why this girl is my best friend. We finish each others sentences and see things at the exact same time and have the same retarded sense of fun and humor... and we also kept secrets from each other.
I figured she was keeping secrets. We all keep secrets, duh. It's just a natural part of humanistic nature. But when I started spilling my most recent little secrets, she told me hers... and I felt like we were really better friends then.
That was the highlight of my day. And as I was reading my psych book tonight, I couldn't help but think how just genuinely happy I felt. I've got high hopes for this one :) Screw all of those others, I've got someone a million times cooler than anyone I've ever met or might ever meet. And although my circumstances suck as long as I'm living at home, I still feel like this is gonna be so awesome and will work out. Who's a happy girl? This girl :)
xx Hold Me Close, Tomorrow May Be Gone Marz
You know, Sarah and I had a nice chat last night about our boys. And then today we had an even longer one at the nature preserve and I realized why this girl is my best friend. We finish each others sentences and see things at the exact same time and have the same retarded sense of fun and humor... and we also kept secrets from each other.
I figured she was keeping secrets. We all keep secrets, duh. It's just a natural part of humanistic nature. But when I started spilling my most recent little secrets, she told me hers... and I felt like we were really better friends then.
That was the highlight of my day. And as I was reading my psych book tonight, I couldn't help but think how just genuinely happy I felt. I've got high hopes for this one :) Screw all of those others, I've got someone a million times cooler than anyone I've ever met or might ever meet. And although my circumstances suck as long as I'm living at home, I still feel like this is gonna be so awesome and will work out. Who's a happy girl? This girl :)
xx Hold Me Close, Tomorrow May Be Gone Marz
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Edgar Allan Poe
So... I think I might have an unhealthy obsession with Poe.
His prose is legendary and captivating, but we all know that. He created what is the Gothic genre of the written word. He wrote on the macabre facets of life that few other writers dared to dream of.
And he was tortured.
I can't help but be attracted to him being a tormented artist. It's kind of hot in a weird way, ha ha. I know I sound batshit crazy. He's like the emo kid you can't help but love... and he knew how to convey the feeling of love through his romantic, but morose, tales of beautiful women dying young. He's one of the most unique people I've ever seen. His face... have you seen anyone who looks remotely similar? It's a haunting face perfect for his dreary soul. He was like, the first famous emo kid. It all paid off!
I have no idea where I'm going with this. I think I'm starting to finally understand myself.
xx If I Could Open Your Eyes Marz
His prose is legendary and captivating, but we all know that. He created what is the Gothic genre of the written word. He wrote on the macabre facets of life that few other writers dared to dream of.
And he was tortured.
I can't help but be attracted to him being a tormented artist. It's kind of hot in a weird way, ha ha. I know I sound batshit crazy. He's like the emo kid you can't help but love... and he knew how to convey the feeling of love through his romantic, but morose, tales of beautiful women dying young. He's one of the most unique people I've ever seen. His face... have you seen anyone who looks remotely similar? It's a haunting face perfect for his dreary soul. He was like, the first famous emo kid. It all paid off!
I have no idea where I'm going with this. I think I'm starting to finally understand myself.
xx If I Could Open Your Eyes Marz
Pictures Of You
Hell freakin yeah. I don't know what I was thinking a few posts/weeks ago... shit, I'm perfectly pleased with how things turned out. I know it because I shouldn't be sitting at home sad for just any reason! Soooo... does this mean we're a something? I vaguely remember arguing about picking a day, whether it should be today or yesterday, I remember him saying something about 28... It's all kind of a blur, ha ha. I don't know. But I do know that I'm terribly pleased with how things turned out :)
I've been listening to The Cure today... the first song I ever heard from them was "In Between Days" on Korn's Unplugged album, where Johnathan Davis and Robert Smith did that cool acoustic song mash-up of "In Between Days" and "Make Me Bad". I'm also a huge fan of "Pictures Of You" and "A Forest". Maybe I was wrong... maybe the '80s were alright ;)
I <3 acoustic versions of crazy songs. I also <3 metal versions of nonmetal songs, like that one guy with the fabulous hair doing "Bad Romance". He's a true champion. I would high five him. Sometimes I wish I was more musically inclined... I'm still trying to learn to play "Amaranth" via Garage Band. Instead of playing the song by ear, now I actually have the right notes and keys thanks to a cool tutorial! I'm bad; I taught myself to play the chorus using the notes and melody from the vocals and not the actual song itself. OHHHHH BUT I BET THEY'D SOUND BADASS TOGETHER! I need to go record now... beats doing government.
xx As I Ran To your Heart To Be Near Marz
I've been listening to The Cure today... the first song I ever heard from them was "In Between Days" on Korn's Unplugged album, where Johnathan Davis and Robert Smith did that cool acoustic song mash-up of "In Between Days" and "Make Me Bad". I'm also a huge fan of "Pictures Of You" and "A Forest". Maybe I was wrong... maybe the '80s were alright ;)
I <3 acoustic versions of crazy songs. I also <3 metal versions of nonmetal songs, like that one guy with the fabulous hair doing "Bad Romance". He's a true champion. I would high five him. Sometimes I wish I was more musically inclined... I'm still trying to learn to play "Amaranth" via Garage Band. Instead of playing the song by ear, now I actually have the right notes and keys thanks to a cool tutorial! I'm bad; I taught myself to play the chorus using the notes and melody from the vocals and not the actual song itself. OHHHHH BUT I BET THEY'D SOUND BADASS TOGETHER! I need to go record now... beats doing government.
xx As I Ran To your Heart To Be Near Marz
Friday, November 26, 2010
Dancin' In The Sunlight, Singin' In The Rain
Always good to be at home again :)
At least, that's how Blackmore's Night describes it. Such an interesting band... Candace has such a gorgeous voice, and combined with Ritchie's wonderful medieval tunes the two create awesome sauce.
Holy asscakes on a mountain of dead babies, I am never borrowing books from Jamie ever again!
"I was crushing on my mentor. Crushing on my older mentor. I had to be out of my mind. He was seven years older than me. Old enough to be my... well okay, nothing. He'd been learning to write when I was born. When I'd been learning to write and throw books at my teachers, he'd probably been kissing girls. Probably lots of girls, considering how he looked."
Oh Rose... Look at you falling for Dimitri! Too bad he's a badass Russian Guardian and you're just a Guardian in training... not to mention you have a bad attitude. Just kidding. I feel like I'm turning into you, anyways.
So on the plane I was digging through my old stories I started and never finished (or even really started, for that matter) throughout the years and I have a problem with this elder-youth relationship thing... I use it in like, most stories! The Doll-Patron one, Weekend At Criss's, Weekend At Mel's, Untitled Magic Story (the one that starts at a funeral), the whole Mr. Crepsley fanfic involving Melanie, and that Sweeney Todd fanfic with Arabelle. Jeez, I'm disgusting ;) Oh well, someone's gotta do it.
I love being able to type on a keyboard instead of my phone. This is heaven. I've been listening to Queenryche like crazy today...
xx Another Long Distance Night Alone, You Leave Me Wanting, Always Leave Me Wanting More Marz
At least, that's how Blackmore's Night describes it. Such an interesting band... Candace has such a gorgeous voice, and combined with Ritchie's wonderful medieval tunes the two create awesome sauce.
Holy asscakes on a mountain of dead babies, I am never borrowing books from Jamie ever again!
"I was crushing on my mentor. Crushing on my older mentor. I had to be out of my mind. He was seven years older than me. Old enough to be my... well okay, nothing. He'd been learning to write when I was born. When I'd been learning to write and throw books at my teachers, he'd probably been kissing girls. Probably lots of girls, considering how he looked."
Oh Rose... Look at you falling for Dimitri! Too bad he's a badass Russian Guardian and you're just a Guardian in training... not to mention you have a bad attitude. Just kidding. I feel like I'm turning into you, anyways.
So on the plane I was digging through my old stories I started and never finished (or even really started, for that matter) throughout the years and I have a problem with this elder-youth relationship thing... I use it in like, most stories! The Doll-Patron one, Weekend At Criss's, Weekend At Mel's, Untitled Magic Story (the one that starts at a funeral), the whole Mr. Crepsley fanfic involving Melanie, and that Sweeney Todd fanfic with Arabelle. Jeez, I'm disgusting ;) Oh well, someone's gotta do it.
I love being able to type on a keyboard instead of my phone. This is heaven. I've been listening to Queenryche like crazy today...
xx Another Long Distance Night Alone, You Leave Me Wanting, Always Leave Me Wanting More Marz
What's Awkward About Seattle
Is that the sun sets at 4:30 and everyone's got huge windows that you can see into. Kind of awkward.
During the course of this week, I've begun to do a little soul searching. I made two attempts to text Karl and those fell through. Maybe he's just not worth it. Why should I give two shits about a guy who couldn't give a rat's ass about me?
And then there's that dream, so vivid in my mind as if it was a memory. It provides fuel to my heart and makes things challenging. Shit, it's even driving me crazy enough that I blabbed to Anthony of all people. I'm glad at least he listens without being an asshole like some people... Ha ha, I'm bitter.
Where was I going with this? Oh right. Like, I can't see anything wrong with this... I re-read that post and everything matches up. But then I look to the future... And I have no plans to change my future around, but there's still that little thought of what if echoing in my mind...
Xx The Atlantic Was Born Today, And I'll Tell You How Marz
During the course of this week, I've begun to do a little soul searching. I made two attempts to text Karl and those fell through. Maybe he's just not worth it. Why should I give two shits about a guy who couldn't give a rat's ass about me?
And then there's that dream, so vivid in my mind as if it was a memory. It provides fuel to my heart and makes things challenging. Shit, it's even driving me crazy enough that I blabbed to Anthony of all people. I'm glad at least he listens without being an asshole like some people... Ha ha, I'm bitter.
Where was I going with this? Oh right. Like, I can't see anything wrong with this... I re-read that post and everything matches up. But then I look to the future... And I have no plans to change my future around, but there's still that little thought of what if echoing in my mind...
Xx The Atlantic Was Born Today, And I'll Tell You How Marz
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Thursday, November 25, 2010
Idea For A Story?
I've had a cool idea floating around in my head ever since I sort of re-wrote Empathica on the plane here. I thought of a story set in the early nineteenth century following a doll-like little girl who falls under the longing gaze of a young man and how the two relate to each other. I dunno, just an idea. It's like a more romantic version of my whole Melanie-Mr. Crepsley thing.
I have them pictured in my mind so perfectly. The man: early twenties, sleek dark ponytail elegantly tied back, comfortably wealthy, dresses in dark clothes, composer, and scientist's assistant. Charming and reserved, but occassionally violent and a slight issue with alcohol. The girl: maybe twelve, relatively small and doll-like for her size, blonde curls, fair skin, wears simple dresses, dances, and born to wealthy high class parents. Mature for her age and light hearted, but ignorant and easily manipulated.
Oh gosh, they sound a bit like good ol Davin and little Arabelle. Hopefully I can work with this because frankly, it's a cool idea in my mind, despite how scandalous it is. If Deb can sleep with nasty old man Lundy, I can have a yound guy take interest in a charming little girl. The taboo aspect is interesting!
And I still want to re-visit Empathica, and rename it because apparently Stephen King owns that word in his stories. Dammit, Nightwish! Be more original!
xx Baby All I Need Is Time Marz
I have them pictured in my mind so perfectly. The man: early twenties, sleek dark ponytail elegantly tied back, comfortably wealthy, dresses in dark clothes, composer, and scientist's assistant. Charming and reserved, but occassionally violent and a slight issue with alcohol. The girl: maybe twelve, relatively small and doll-like for her size, blonde curls, fair skin, wears simple dresses, dances, and born to wealthy high class parents. Mature for her age and light hearted, but ignorant and easily manipulated.
Oh gosh, they sound a bit like good ol Davin and little Arabelle. Hopefully I can work with this because frankly, it's a cool idea in my mind, despite how scandalous it is. If Deb can sleep with nasty old man Lundy, I can have a yound guy take interest in a charming little girl. The taboo aspect is interesting!
And I still want to re-visit Empathica, and rename it because apparently Stephen King owns that word in his stories. Dammit, Nightwish! Be more original!
xx Baby All I Need Is Time Marz
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Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Hello Seattle
Made it to Seattle! It's awesome here... There's something exceedingly magical about walking though the falling snow at night, under the orange street lights. Since arriving, I've eaten the most amazing pizza ever, huge and tasty fried oysters, yummy Thai, and super yummy burgers. Plus the Harry Potter show at the Science Center was cool... I can't believe that I was standing next to something worn by Alan Rickman... My dreams had come true. Plus I bought a Snape action figure, huzzah!
I haven't had a good dream in weeks, maybe even months. But the one I has last night was so vivid and carried so much emotion that it was almost overwhelming. The ending intrigues me, though. We were standing there laughing and saying bye, but then everything sort of slowed down and froze as I woke up. Something was about to go down... But what?! Dammit, what goes on in my head! Although perhaps the fact that in my dream he arranged an instrumental track of Kamelot's 'Love You To Death' says something. It's a beautiful song <3 My mind is truly a piece of work.
Time to shower and watch Dexter. And paint shoes. Woo hoo! Oh right, and I finally learned how to play Magic! I won my first game with a frighteningly strong angel deck, but lost my second with my new personal elf deck. It's gonna take some practice, but I think I like this! Is it bad that I might like the card art more than the game? :)
xx Cause I'll Love You, I'll Love You To Death Marz
I haven't had a good dream in weeks, maybe even months. But the one I has last night was so vivid and carried so much emotion that it was almost overwhelming. The ending intrigues me, though. We were standing there laughing and saying bye, but then everything sort of slowed down and froze as I woke up. Something was about to go down... But what?! Dammit, what goes on in my head! Although perhaps the fact that in my dream he arranged an instrumental track of Kamelot's 'Love You To Death' says something. It's a beautiful song <3 My mind is truly a piece of work.
Time to shower and watch Dexter. And paint shoes. Woo hoo! Oh right, and I finally learned how to play Magic! I won my first game with a frighteningly strong angel deck, but lost my second with my new personal elf deck. It's gonna take some practice, but I think I like this! Is it bad that I might like the card art more than the game? :)
xx Cause I'll Love You, I'll Love You To Death Marz
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Friday, November 19, 2010
HELL YEAH I GET FREE LEMONADE
HELL YEAH! So after work I went to Canes and as soon as I walked in, Karl turns to Cedric and goes, "There she is!" We ended up all hanging out for like, 45 minutes... and he totally got me lemonade :) That meant the world to me, knowing that there's a glimmer of old times. Speaking of, he even put his arm around me and called me his when Cedric was on the phone with his mom... I can't begin to describe how amazingly comfortable I was during those two seconds of contact. We brought up the old joke of "You Have To Buy Me Dinner First", which is funny because he did buy me dinner, ha ha. Good times :) Cedirc's an enigma... he's cool, but with a slightly creepy edge. Oh well.
God my leg is so sore. I was limping through work and I got stuck if I bent over because of the tense muscles in my thigh. Bryan suggested heat and rubbing it... I'm too lazy to do either of those, ha ha. Then my back started hurting because I was washing bar glasses. Gross. All in all, a good night at work :) Oh, and they totally played Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear The Reaper" at work. Best song I've ever heard on that radio, coming into a close tie with The Cure's "In Between Days".
xx Narrow Streets And Cobblestones Marz
God my leg is so sore. I was limping through work and I got stuck if I bent over because of the tense muscles in my thigh. Bryan suggested heat and rubbing it... I'm too lazy to do either of those, ha ha. Then my back started hurting because I was washing bar glasses. Gross. All in all, a good night at work :) Oh, and they totally played Blue Oyster Cult's "Don't Fear The Reaper" at work. Best song I've ever heard on that radio, coming into a close tie with The Cure's "In Between Days".
xx Narrow Streets And Cobblestones Marz
Biggest Waste Of A Day
Seriously. I woke up at 6:45 in a foul mood... which only proved fouler when I broke mom's mirror while backing out of the garage. Great. So I was without a car today.
School was such a waste. In guard, Scott didn't show up and we napped on the cold floor. In math, we napped and watched Youtube. In art, we sat around and talked and tried to play Mad Libs. Like there was really no use in coming to school today at all... Except to pick up my art project.
Gah. I'm just in an awful mood. My eyes are still swollen and watery, my back is sore, and my pulled muscles are hurting. I'm really lethargic and tired... I just want to lay around and do nothing. Dad's not letting me out tonight, either, because I'll get sick again like last time... whatever. But I think I might possibly be getting sick again... oh no. I just feel like utter crap.
You know, it's amazing how I've created this mask that my friends fail to see though. It's common knowledge that if I'm overly irritable, grouchy, a tad too rude, and withdrawn, they just assume it's my typical morning routine. They can't tell the difference between "just another Marissa mood" and when I'm seriously upset. Same thing with Sims. When I'm feeling particularly sad, depressed, angry, or the like, I usually play Sims because it helps take my mind off things. How is it that no one still has noticed? How many nights have I told Jamie that I'd probably rather stay home and play Sims than do happier things? Why is it that my friends notice things about each other so easily, but when it comes to me, no one says a word?
Just an observation.
xx With Beauty Underneath, The Ever Free Marz
School was such a waste. In guard, Scott didn't show up and we napped on the cold floor. In math, we napped and watched Youtube. In art, we sat around and talked and tried to play Mad Libs. Like there was really no use in coming to school today at all... Except to pick up my art project.
Gah. I'm just in an awful mood. My eyes are still swollen and watery, my back is sore, and my pulled muscles are hurting. I'm really lethargic and tired... I just want to lay around and do nothing. Dad's not letting me out tonight, either, because I'll get sick again like last time... whatever. But I think I might possibly be getting sick again... oh no. I just feel like utter crap.
You know, it's amazing how I've created this mask that my friends fail to see though. It's common knowledge that if I'm overly irritable, grouchy, a tad too rude, and withdrawn, they just assume it's my typical morning routine. They can't tell the difference between "just another Marissa mood" and when I'm seriously upset. Same thing with Sims. When I'm feeling particularly sad, depressed, angry, or the like, I usually play Sims because it helps take my mind off things. How is it that no one still has noticed? How many nights have I told Jamie that I'd probably rather stay home and play Sims than do happier things? Why is it that my friends notice things about each other so easily, but when it comes to me, no one says a word?
Just an observation.
xx With Beauty Underneath, The Ever Free Marz
Deathly Hallows Part One
Was FANTASTIC.
Alright, so it's not the most exciting book out of the series (I mean, you can only do so much with 500 pages of camping and bickering), but it got really intense towards the end and it was really emotional. I remember the first and second movies when it was all more of "Let's learn how to get through puberty" and now it's all "Shit, everyone's dying and the world is falling apart and there's no such thing as a sunny sky"! For what the first half of the book was, it was very good. I didn't remember anything except the Hallows... ha ha, so it was like watching the movie without reading the book almost. Damn, it's been a few years since I put down book seven. But I can't wait for part two!
I don't know why, but I felt the need to get a Monster for the movie. It's pretty tasty at first, but it seems like the closer you get to the bottom, the more like ass it seems to taste like. Oh well, maybe I was imagining it. On my way home, I made a pit stop to a very dear friend's house and as I approached his neighborhood, "Like A G6" came on the radio, surely a sign that I was at the right place at the right time. Kind of like how yesterday "Vanilla Twilight" came on. Music...
But OH MY GOD. Auditions were not good. The Courtney dance was... alright. I messed up a few times, but held the group together frequently. The Belief routine was... rushed and slowed by the entire group, so not good there. And my solo... ugh. It was going great, just great, until I got to my Megan spins and I don't know what happened... when I was bringing the flag around to the front of my body, I totally lost grip and it went flying to the ground. I panicked--what the hell?! This has never happened before! Then I got lost in my music... I couldn't tell where to get back in! I missed my favorite part of the song and ended up improvising some work to get back into my final ending toss, which I didn't catch as solidly as I'd have liked. UGH. Now I'm freaking out. I hope my scores didn't suffer... Scott knows I'm a good twirler and that I don't usually drop and when I do, it's just a weird brain fart. He said minus my scary recovery, I had some great musical moments. Too bad he didn't see the really nice musical moments I failed through :/
And so now it's 3:30 AM, and I'm to be out of bed in three hours. I'm not tired at all... Gah, tonight just put me in a bad mood. After auditions, everyone was bitching at me to do their errands... Jamie wanted me to go to her house and get her computer, then she wanted me to stop and get drinks, and then Michael wants goddamn batteries for his goddamn Star Wars toys... WHAT THE HELL?! I'm not errand girl! I'd kind of like to get to the theater before midnight. Ugh. Whatever, tomorrow should be better, I hope. Dad super wants me to work on apps tomorrow... I'm pretty sure since I went to Harry Potter, he's not gonna let me out this weekend. Again, ugh. I kind of wanted to go see my friends :/
Oh, and Happy Birthday again...
xx Take That Bottle To The Head And Let Me See Ya Fly Marz
Alright, so it's not the most exciting book out of the series (I mean, you can only do so much with 500 pages of camping and bickering), but it got really intense towards the end and it was really emotional. I remember the first and second movies when it was all more of "Let's learn how to get through puberty" and now it's all "Shit, everyone's dying and the world is falling apart and there's no such thing as a sunny sky"! For what the first half of the book was, it was very good. I didn't remember anything except the Hallows... ha ha, so it was like watching the movie without reading the book almost. Damn, it's been a few years since I put down book seven. But I can't wait for part two!
I don't know why, but I felt the need to get a Monster for the movie. It's pretty tasty at first, but it seems like the closer you get to the bottom, the more like ass it seems to taste like. Oh well, maybe I was imagining it. On my way home, I made a pit stop to a very dear friend's house and as I approached his neighborhood, "Like A G6" came on the radio, surely a sign that I was at the right place at the right time. Kind of like how yesterday "Vanilla Twilight" came on. Music...
But OH MY GOD. Auditions were not good. The Courtney dance was... alright. I messed up a few times, but held the group together frequently. The Belief routine was... rushed and slowed by the entire group, so not good there. And my solo... ugh. It was going great, just great, until I got to my Megan spins and I don't know what happened... when I was bringing the flag around to the front of my body, I totally lost grip and it went flying to the ground. I panicked--what the hell?! This has never happened before! Then I got lost in my music... I couldn't tell where to get back in! I missed my favorite part of the song and ended up improvising some work to get back into my final ending toss, which I didn't catch as solidly as I'd have liked. UGH. Now I'm freaking out. I hope my scores didn't suffer... Scott knows I'm a good twirler and that I don't usually drop and when I do, it's just a weird brain fart. He said minus my scary recovery, I had some great musical moments. Too bad he didn't see the really nice musical moments I failed through :/
And so now it's 3:30 AM, and I'm to be out of bed in three hours. I'm not tired at all... Gah, tonight just put me in a bad mood. After auditions, everyone was bitching at me to do their errands... Jamie wanted me to go to her house and get her computer, then she wanted me to stop and get drinks, and then Michael wants goddamn batteries for his goddamn Star Wars toys... WHAT THE HELL?! I'm not errand girl! I'd kind of like to get to the theater before midnight. Ugh. Whatever, tomorrow should be better, I hope. Dad super wants me to work on apps tomorrow... I'm pretty sure since I went to Harry Potter, he's not gonna let me out this weekend. Again, ugh. I kind of wanted to go see my friends :/
Oh, and Happy Birthday again...
xx Take That Bottle To The Head And Let Me See Ya Fly Marz
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Enough Of Storytime.
Good story, huh? I never forget important days.
Today was nice. Scott didn't show up again, so we had a solo day. God I'm kind of scared, because I end up rushing my flag work frequently and it causes me to need to improv! It'll be ok, I hope... ha ha, we'll see. I better not drop that goddamn strip toss... I'll cry. Or improv.
Math was easy, took a quiz and then went back to reading my art book. Then off to lunch, and then to art, where Mrs. K made us clean off the whiteboard :( But! She gave us some wallpaper and is going to let us do a mural on it. We decided to do self portraits... in cosplay! I'll probably be Raven, ha ha. Then we had a fire drill... well, apparently it wasn't a drill, but it sure didn't last long. I love being on pep rally schedule, because I got out of school at 1:24 and went shopping :)
I found a sweater for my Hogwarts outfit... damn, it looks great! So legit! All it needs is Anthony's tie and then I'm awesome. The skirt is seriously too short, like to the point where my ass is almost visible. Hot Witch School Girl? Ha ha, gross. I'm gonna put some tights on. I don't dress like a hooker... that's why we keep Jamie around! Then I worked on my solo outfit, which is my garage sale skirt and my holey Sweeney shirt. I cut the neck a bit and with some safety pins, it'll be hot. Accessories include: fishnet tights and gloves, stud belts, and sharp jewelry. I'm such a badass... NOT.
So I talked to Heather about my Karl dilemma. She seemed pretty cool about it and suggested I talk to him so I stop torturing myself. Damn kid works like, everyday, so I don't know when I could talk to him. I'd have to make it super nonchalant... I mean, he was the one that thought it was cool to give me relationship advice (WHAT THE FRAK?! NO!) and his advice was that if you have feelings for someone, good or bad, you need to tell them. So here's a taste of your own medicine, you assie. But I need to slide into the topic and not just dump it. Damn. Sometimes I hate being young and stuck in the throws of young heartache.
xx And Yesterday I Thought Of You Marz
Today was nice. Scott didn't show up again, so we had a solo day. God I'm kind of scared, because I end up rushing my flag work frequently and it causes me to need to improv! It'll be ok, I hope... ha ha, we'll see. I better not drop that goddamn strip toss... I'll cry. Or improv.
Math was easy, took a quiz and then went back to reading my art book. Then off to lunch, and then to art, where Mrs. K made us clean off the whiteboard :( But! She gave us some wallpaper and is going to let us do a mural on it. We decided to do self portraits... in cosplay! I'll probably be Raven, ha ha. Then we had a fire drill... well, apparently it wasn't a drill, but it sure didn't last long. I love being on pep rally schedule, because I got out of school at 1:24 and went shopping :)
I found a sweater for my Hogwarts outfit... damn, it looks great! So legit! All it needs is Anthony's tie and then I'm awesome. The skirt is seriously too short, like to the point where my ass is almost visible. Hot Witch School Girl? Ha ha, gross. I'm gonna put some tights on. I don't dress like a hooker... that's why we keep Jamie around! Then I worked on my solo outfit, which is my garage sale skirt and my holey Sweeney shirt. I cut the neck a bit and with some safety pins, it'll be hot. Accessories include: fishnet tights and gloves, stud belts, and sharp jewelry. I'm such a badass... NOT.
So I talked to Heather about my Karl dilemma. She seemed pretty cool about it and suggested I talk to him so I stop torturing myself. Damn kid works like, everyday, so I don't know when I could talk to him. I'd have to make it super nonchalant... I mean, he was the one that thought it was cool to give me relationship advice (WHAT THE FRAK?! NO!) and his advice was that if you have feelings for someone, good or bad, you need to tell them. So here's a taste of your own medicine, you assie. But I need to slide into the topic and not just dump it. Damn. Sometimes I hate being young and stuck in the throws of young heartache.
xx And Yesterday I Thought Of You Marz
Exactly One Year Ago
A girl was in the band hall with her best friend and boyfriend. It was almost time for winterguard practice, so the two girls started walking towards the gyms, with the boyfriend trailing silently behind. As soon as the group got to the doors to the foyer, the boy stopped his girlfriend and had something to tell her. She told her best friend to go on without her and that she'd catch up. Turning back to the boy, she couldn't brace herself for what was about to happen.
He told her that he didn't want to date anymore. Her world was shattering before her eyes. Laden with her flag bag, backpack, purse, and clothes bag, she stood there silently sobbing as he poured his lack of feelings out to her.
He turned and left her standing there in the corner crying. After a few minutes, she composed herself and walked to the gym. As soon as she walked in, she looked into the eyes of two of her best friends and just lost it. She dropped her bags and cried as they approached her, few words needing to be said. The rest of rehearsal was absolutely dreadful, as were the next few days, and what turned into the next few months.
But this was all what happened one year ago today.
He told her that he didn't want to date anymore. Her world was shattering before her eyes. Laden with her flag bag, backpack, purse, and clothes bag, she stood there silently sobbing as he poured his lack of feelings out to her.
He turned and left her standing there in the corner crying. After a few minutes, she composed herself and walked to the gym. As soon as she walked in, she looked into the eyes of two of her best friends and just lost it. She dropped her bags and cried as they approached her, few words needing to be said. The rest of rehearsal was absolutely dreadful, as were the next few days, and what turned into the next few months.
But this was all what happened one year ago today.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Prince Adam
Is like, the best Disney Prince.
Why? Because he's two princes in one. You get Beast and Adam! Tada! What's probably the best thing about him is that he doesn't have a faggot haircut like everyone else... THIS GUY'S GOT LONG, VOLUMINOUS, FABULOUS GINGER HAIR. I <3 long hair, therefore, he wins. The ginger part is less desirable... ha ha, I joke I joke.
I don't know what's come over me. I'm on this... Disney rush. I whipped out an Esmeralda ink piece yesterday and started on Belle, but the face looks like ass and I kind of... buried it under a stack of papers. It's like I want to quit living this god damned life and go into a simple, animated world.
I've always loved Belle, because I've always felt like I'm just like her. We love to read, we have big brow eyes and brown hair, we're both day dreamers, misunderstood, and followed by creepers. Plus she lived my dream life in the span of an hour and a half, ha ha.
Esmeralda was another favorite... in fact, I dressed up as her as a kid :) She was pretty and caring and... had a big skirt. I loved flowy dresses as a kid, ha ha. I like her now because she's an outcast, but still brave and confident.
Oh my God, don't get me started on Pocahontas. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with her! I still have my Pocahontas cup in the kitchen, and probably my lunchbox! I liked her because she had fabulous hair and sang pretty songs, ha ha. I think I still have a Pocahontas costume, as well. Dammit! Why didn't I ever have a Belle costume?! TIME TO MAKE ONE!
I dunno. I feel like maybe if I draw these heroines, I can release myself. Because lately, I've felt so pent up and the only way I can get it all out is through... art. Blahhhh.
xx Dark Demons Of My Soul, Un Amour Fatal Marz
Why? Because he's two princes in one. You get Beast and Adam! Tada! What's probably the best thing about him is that he doesn't have a faggot haircut like everyone else... THIS GUY'S GOT LONG, VOLUMINOUS, FABULOUS GINGER HAIR. I <3 long hair, therefore, he wins. The ginger part is less desirable... ha ha, I joke I joke.
I don't know what's come over me. I'm on this... Disney rush. I whipped out an Esmeralda ink piece yesterday and started on Belle, but the face looks like ass and I kind of... buried it under a stack of papers. It's like I want to quit living this god damned life and go into a simple, animated world.
I've always loved Belle, because I've always felt like I'm just like her. We love to read, we have big brow eyes and brown hair, we're both day dreamers, misunderstood, and followed by creepers. Plus she lived my dream life in the span of an hour and a half, ha ha.
Esmeralda was another favorite... in fact, I dressed up as her as a kid :) She was pretty and caring and... had a big skirt. I loved flowy dresses as a kid, ha ha. I like her now because she's an outcast, but still brave and confident.
Oh my God, don't get me started on Pocahontas. When I was a kid, I was obsessed with her! I still have my Pocahontas cup in the kitchen, and probably my lunchbox! I liked her because she had fabulous hair and sang pretty songs, ha ha. I think I still have a Pocahontas costume, as well. Dammit! Why didn't I ever have a Belle costume?! TIME TO MAKE ONE!
I dunno. I feel like maybe if I draw these heroines, I can release myself. Because lately, I've felt so pent up and the only way I can get it all out is through... art. Blahhhh.
xx Dark Demons Of My Soul, Un Amour Fatal Marz
Sunday, November 14, 2010
New Blogger App
So this is my first post on a new Blogger app. My other one sucked balls and this one had more features and higher ratings. Let's hope it doesn't have an awkward formatting.
On Tuesday, we're supposed to have part two of the newspaper interview, where they're gonna take pictures of me in my workspace. I have a lot of art out already from showing my aunt last week, so that's good. I just have to clean up a tad. I realized that my room is so... weird.
It's an goth kid's dream. Posters from The Crow, Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd, and HIM grace the walls next to a bajillion (ok, only 4) Johnny Depp posters. Hell, the walls and ceiling are painted grey! Black all around: couches, sheets, drapes, shelves, cabinets.
But then there's all the WTF?! crap. Disney figurines, Dunnies, Gundam figures, a mini Christmas tree, a Watched eyeball flag on the window, a freaking Christmas tree made out of lights on my ceiling, a Disney princess lamp, and stuffed animals to begin to describe the madness. I've created a room full of mystery and have turned myself into an enigma. What do you think I am?
xx Bones, Bones, Brittle Little Bones Marz
On Tuesday, we're supposed to have part two of the newspaper interview, where they're gonna take pictures of me in my workspace. I have a lot of art out already from showing my aunt last week, so that's good. I just have to clean up a tad. I realized that my room is so... weird.
It's an goth kid's dream. Posters from The Crow, Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd, and HIM grace the walls next to a bajillion (ok, only 4) Johnny Depp posters. Hell, the walls and ceiling are painted grey! Black all around: couches, sheets, drapes, shelves, cabinets.
But then there's all the WTF?! crap. Disney figurines, Dunnies, Gundam figures, a mini Christmas tree, a Watched eyeball flag on the window, a freaking Christmas tree made out of lights on my ceiling, a Disney princess lamp, and stuffed animals to begin to describe the madness. I've created a room full of mystery and have turned myself into an enigma. What do you think I am?
xx Bones, Bones, Brittle Little Bones Marz
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Oh My God. Not AGAIN.
I don't know what possessed me to do it. It kind of just happened, like I had no control over what my mouse was clicking on. I had this weird possession to click on Cedric's Facebook and sift through his pictures. I saw many smiling faces of my friends, like Amanda and Graham, and then I saw pictures of another smiling face who made my stomach flip and my mouth stretch wide into a genuine smile.
Karl.
My God, I can't help it. While there were only a few pictures of him working on cars and posing with Hooters girls, I got so excited to see his face again. I never see him at school except for if I pass him in the parking lot. I see him once a week, and it's usually on my Wednesday run to get some lemonade. I don't want to forget him, and I don't want him to forget me.
Frak. Does this mean I'm still not over him? Because I want to be. I want this pain to stop. I'm so tired of feeling this awful guilt for messing things up with him and it's eating me away. Whenever I think back to what happened, it scares me for any future relationships I might get myself into. Am I going to mess it up again?
Part of what went wrong is probably that we just didn't know each other that long. I don't think we had ample time to truly understand our personalities. I mean, he knew that I was free-spirited and I knew that he was analytical and logic-bound, but that's not enough. We didn't learn how to compromise or talk. It's really unfortunate now that I look back. It happened like a fast blur.
I still have the texts from when we were still dating, to when we broke up, to after we had the second talk, to when he said he still thought I was attractive. And even though I have them saved on the computer, I can't bear to delete them. I feel like I'd be deleting the last bit of him that's mine. I wake up everyday and see the roses he gave me by my door. I always see my dress in my closet that I wore to homecoming with him, and when I pick up the shirt I wore on our first date, I smile.
If he did want to date again, I don't know what I'd do. Would I jump on the offer with open arms and an open heart and be the girlfriend I should have been from the start? Or would I decline and tell him "Too bad. You already had your shot with me, and you fed it to the wolves."? I don't know. It scares me that I don't know myself. Sometimes I want to carve my heart out, shove it in a jar, and bury it under the fig tree so that I don't have to feel the pains of love or heartache. I don't want to deal with any of this love nonsense anymore.
xx Her Tears Made Her Swim Beneath The Sea, She's Free Marz
Karl.
My God, I can't help it. While there were only a few pictures of him working on cars and posing with Hooters girls, I got so excited to see his face again. I never see him at school except for if I pass him in the parking lot. I see him once a week, and it's usually on my Wednesday run to get some lemonade. I don't want to forget him, and I don't want him to forget me.
Frak. Does this mean I'm still not over him? Because I want to be. I want this pain to stop. I'm so tired of feeling this awful guilt for messing things up with him and it's eating me away. Whenever I think back to what happened, it scares me for any future relationships I might get myself into. Am I going to mess it up again?
Part of what went wrong is probably that we just didn't know each other that long. I don't think we had ample time to truly understand our personalities. I mean, he knew that I was free-spirited and I knew that he was analytical and logic-bound, but that's not enough. We didn't learn how to compromise or talk. It's really unfortunate now that I look back. It happened like a fast blur.
I still have the texts from when we were still dating, to when we broke up, to after we had the second talk, to when he said he still thought I was attractive. And even though I have them saved on the computer, I can't bear to delete them. I feel like I'd be deleting the last bit of him that's mine. I wake up everyday and see the roses he gave me by my door. I always see my dress in my closet that I wore to homecoming with him, and when I pick up the shirt I wore on our first date, I smile.
If he did want to date again, I don't know what I'd do. Would I jump on the offer with open arms and an open heart and be the girlfriend I should have been from the start? Or would I decline and tell him "Too bad. You already had your shot with me, and you fed it to the wolves."? I don't know. It scares me that I don't know myself. Sometimes I want to carve my heart out, shove it in a jar, and bury it under the fig tree so that I don't have to feel the pains of love or heartache. I don't want to deal with any of this love nonsense anymore.
xx Her Tears Made Her Swim Beneath The Sea, She's Free Marz
Mobile Blogging
Is a bitch, but I'm snuggled up in bed and not wanting to open the computer right next to my face.
Today was awesome on top of awesome. I spent most of my day getting lost downtown with Ian, but it was so worth it! That guy's a riot... it's a shame we can't hang out more often. It's so frustrating to have to keep him a secret from my parents, but it's gotta be. I so wish we could have hung out all night long. That would have been great! :)
Came home to find that mom bailed on us again. So after dinner with dad, I went over to Heather's for hot tubbing and watching the 6th Harry Potter movie. It's my favorite one... the music is amazing, and the cinematography blows me away. I'm a sucker for a beautiful blend of Gothic architecture, haunting music, and dramatic, almost romantic, scenes. I fell asleep for a good chunk of the movie, ha ha. It was a fun night with my friends, except for Sarah, because once again, she declined our invite. Oh wahh, you were out all day? So were we!
I dunno. I'm in a really tough divide right now... I don't know where I am in regards to my mental, emotional, and whatever's in between that state of being. It's like a constant battle in my head over making the right choice and I trust my judgement usually, so I'm feeling kind of ok, but still iffy. Not just about one thing, though; there's a lot of things I've tossed into the grey area of my mind to eventually go through. What the hell am I even rambling about anymore... time for sleep.
xx It's Nothing To Cry About, Cause We'll Hold Each Other Soon Marz
Today was awesome on top of awesome. I spent most of my day getting lost downtown with Ian, but it was so worth it! That guy's a riot... it's a shame we can't hang out more often. It's so frustrating to have to keep him a secret from my parents, but it's gotta be. I so wish we could have hung out all night long. That would have been great! :)
Came home to find that mom bailed on us again. So after dinner with dad, I went over to Heather's for hot tubbing and watching the 6th Harry Potter movie. It's my favorite one... the music is amazing, and the cinematography blows me away. I'm a sucker for a beautiful blend of Gothic architecture, haunting music, and dramatic, almost romantic, scenes. I fell asleep for a good chunk of the movie, ha ha. It was a fun night with my friends, except for Sarah, because once again, she declined our invite. Oh wahh, you were out all day? So were we!
I dunno. I'm in a really tough divide right now... I don't know where I am in regards to my mental, emotional, and whatever's in between that state of being. It's like a constant battle in my head over making the right choice and I trust my judgement usually, so I'm feeling kind of ok, but still iffy. Not just about one thing, though; there's a lot of things I've tossed into the grey area of my mind to eventually go through. What the hell am I even rambling about anymore... time for sleep.
xx It's Nothing To Cry About, Cause We'll Hold Each Other Soon Marz
Friday, November 12, 2010
Nooooo One Can Help Yoooou!
Ha ha, Tarja's solo album cracks me up. It's like, so wannabe Nightwish, but with a much more rockish sound to it. I love it, don't get me wrong, but it's also amusing on a different level. Tarja's great! I mean, come on, having your hit single be "I Walk Alone" after you got kicked out of Nightwish? ;)
Enough of the Tarja love. This is my first free Friday night of the year! It's weird... like, all the band kids are like, what do we do?! We have a whole night to ourselves where we don't have to be stuck at a crappy football game, freezing our asses off? Luckily, we only had one cold game this year and not a million, like the previous years. I opted out of getting a letter jacket :/ Kind of lame, since I've been collecting patches for my years and now I don't have anything to put them on. It's kind of a waste of $150 for another bulky jacket... I already have my class ring, so I'm good to go. I might put my patches on my blue bag or something... maybe my flag bag? Gotta find something!
OMG, again with the friend bullshit! I didn't ask for your opinion every time I bring up a friend you don't like. Thank God Sarah doesn't bitch. Speaking of shitty friends, I totally made Michael bleed today and gave Gabriel some more marks. That's what you get for tickling me in the cafeteria and causing a scene. I'm ruthless, I can't help it! And ewww gross, Cedric totally creeped when we passed each other on the staircase. Gross. I might go egg his house if he does it again.
And I dunno, I got to thinking. Lately... I feel like I've tried to be something I'm not. I feel like I'm trying to live a lifestyle that's not mine, dressing like someone that might not be me, and doing things that I've never done before. It's that idea of change in my life again. What I was with Anthony I've totally thrown out the window. What I was with Karl is slowly dying, too. And now that I'm on my own, I'm feeling like I should change things up a little and see what happens. Maybe it's not a bad change? It's not much, just little tweaks. It's funny, because my horoscope says that while I'm naturally charming, I might be trying to change something about me to help my chances of someone liking me, and that to do any changes--big or small--would be counterproductive. Hmmmm...
xx With A Knife In The Shape Of Your Mouth Marz
Enough of the Tarja love. This is my first free Friday night of the year! It's weird... like, all the band kids are like, what do we do?! We have a whole night to ourselves where we don't have to be stuck at a crappy football game, freezing our asses off? Luckily, we only had one cold game this year and not a million, like the previous years. I opted out of getting a letter jacket :/ Kind of lame, since I've been collecting patches for my years and now I don't have anything to put them on. It's kind of a waste of $150 for another bulky jacket... I already have my class ring, so I'm good to go. I might put my patches on my blue bag or something... maybe my flag bag? Gotta find something!
OMG, again with the friend bullshit! I didn't ask for your opinion every time I bring up a friend you don't like. Thank God Sarah doesn't bitch. Speaking of shitty friends, I totally made Michael bleed today and gave Gabriel some more marks. That's what you get for tickling me in the cafeteria and causing a scene. I'm ruthless, I can't help it! And ewww gross, Cedric totally creeped when we passed each other on the staircase. Gross. I might go egg his house if he does it again.
And I dunno, I got to thinking. Lately... I feel like I've tried to be something I'm not. I feel like I'm trying to live a lifestyle that's not mine, dressing like someone that might not be me, and doing things that I've never done before. It's that idea of change in my life again. What I was with Anthony I've totally thrown out the window. What I was with Karl is slowly dying, too. And now that I'm on my own, I'm feeling like I should change things up a little and see what happens. Maybe it's not a bad change? It's not much, just little tweaks. It's funny, because my horoscope says that while I'm naturally charming, I might be trying to change something about me to help my chances of someone liking me, and that to do any changes--big or small--would be counterproductive. Hmmmm...
xx With A Knife In The Shape Of Your Mouth Marz
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
SUCK MY DICK, KARL.
He totally admitted it! "I mean, I'm not gonna lie, you're just as attractive. As when I was dating you. I mean i still have the hots sometimes lol"
Now I don't understand the weird wording, but YEAH. I WIN. SUCK MY DICK.
Now I don't understand the weird wording, but YEAH. I WIN. SUCK MY DICK.
What The Hell?
So I definitely went to sleep at 5:45 PM last night. Mom woke me up for dinner at 8, which I was in total zombie bitch mode for. I think I went back to bed at like, 10ish and woke up at 6:30 AM like always. It was bizarre having so much sleep. My jaw and back hurt, though :/ Slept funny...
Day two of doing absolutely NOTHING! In guard we hardly did anything. In math I was so bored that I went down to the art room for a bit and started reading a cool book on classical art. Then art was... art. Another sad day, but this time Shelley and I sang the Sailor Moon and Pokemon theme songs :) That was kind of fun, not gonna lie. I'm SUCH a nerd sometimes!
OMG, I feel so bad. I told Michael I'd give him a ride home and totally forgot. Turns out he had detention anyways, so I drove back to school to pick him up and then took him home after. And then I thought I'd call work and see when they wanted me in... I had a whole 40 minutes of free time! I figured Troice lived close enough to Michael, so I went over there and hung out with him and his friend for a while. It was great: Troice was playing with his amp in the garage on his goddamned teal guitar while his friend and I made flares with foil and ping pong balls in the driveway. I don't know why, but it felt so good to be doing something totally weird and laid back. I don't know why I had so much fun doing such dumb stuff.
Then off to work... nice and slow. It eventually picked up, though! Matt educated me on proper dating protocol... like, he tried to explain to me that it's ok for guys to date cougars (And boy, did he have some stories!), but not younger girls. Like, what? Ha ha, I don't even know how we started talking about that, because I'm pretty sure we were talking about tattoos or something. Oh Matt, you're hilarious. Then after work I went to Canes like always. Karl was working in the back with Cedric and I don't get it... I was ordering my drink and they were screaming "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" to me though the window and acting retarded. Cedric always makes some comment about me being hot and that we should go on a date sometime, but he's full of shit, and I know it. Tonight was no different. I love how he turned to Karl and said "I know she's HOT!" Even if he was being an asshole, Karl knows that it's true and can suck my dick. His loss!
I think I had something deep to talk about, but I can't remember now. Time for government :/
xx The Potential Of You And Me, It's Like A Book Elegantly Bound Marz
Day two of doing absolutely NOTHING! In guard we hardly did anything. In math I was so bored that I went down to the art room for a bit and started reading a cool book on classical art. Then art was... art. Another sad day, but this time Shelley and I sang the Sailor Moon and Pokemon theme songs :) That was kind of fun, not gonna lie. I'm SUCH a nerd sometimes!
OMG, I feel so bad. I told Michael I'd give him a ride home and totally forgot. Turns out he had detention anyways, so I drove back to school to pick him up and then took him home after. And then I thought I'd call work and see when they wanted me in... I had a whole 40 minutes of free time! I figured Troice lived close enough to Michael, so I went over there and hung out with him and his friend for a while. It was great: Troice was playing with his amp in the garage on his goddamned teal guitar while his friend and I made flares with foil and ping pong balls in the driveway. I don't know why, but it felt so good to be doing something totally weird and laid back. I don't know why I had so much fun doing such dumb stuff.
Then off to work... nice and slow. It eventually picked up, though! Matt educated me on proper dating protocol... like, he tried to explain to me that it's ok for guys to date cougars (And boy, did he have some stories!), but not younger girls. Like, what? Ha ha, I don't even know how we started talking about that, because I'm pretty sure we were talking about tattoos or something. Oh Matt, you're hilarious. Then after work I went to Canes like always. Karl was working in the back with Cedric and I don't get it... I was ordering my drink and they were screaming "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" to me though the window and acting retarded. Cedric always makes some comment about me being hot and that we should go on a date sometime, but he's full of shit, and I know it. Tonight was no different. I love how he turned to Karl and said "I know she's HOT!" Even if he was being an asshole, Karl knows that it's true and can suck my dick. His loss!
I think I had something deep to talk about, but I can't remember now. Time for government :/
xx The Potential Of You And Me, It's Like A Book Elegantly Bound Marz
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Still Depressed?!
Ugh, why am I still depressed!
Today was... odd. I dunno. I guess it started in guard, where Scott sat us down and gave us another winterguard chat and reviewed yesterday's work with us. Naturally, I got super discouraged when I couldn't get the ending toss out right :/ It's totally cool when the sucky sophomore can toss perfectly and I can't even get it high enough to not hit me everytime. I need to work harder! I'll get that toss even if I get an arm full of bruises in the process!
Then in math we didn't do anything, except watch a movie about discovering the moon. Bo-ring. I instead pulled out my sketchbook and practiced my writing and drew in the dark. Yes, I have to admit: I'm obsessed with gorgeous penmanship. It's a weird feeling to write when you can't see what you're doing... you feel the words :)
But then art kind of sucked. Shelley was upset with Mrs. K and I got struck with a huge wave of empathy and felt awful for her. Everyone's feeling this terrible burn out :/ I sat down and diligently painted my Lenore memorial, Old Man's Child pounding in my ears, and sadness in my heart. I don't know why I was sad, though. Nothing terribly awful was happening in my life... I was just sad. And I still am. I have a headache and I'm so sleepy and just ready to close my eyes and not wake up til it's time for school. Ideally, not wake up until the late hours of the afternoon, but life's a bitch.
I wish I knew why I'm feeling randomly sad all the time. Maybe it's because it's November, and that was rough for me last year... who knows. I just want this to all go away. I want to jump into my fairytale and never have to come back.
xx Her Spirit Wild, Heart Of A Child, Yet Gentle Still And Quiet And Mild And He Loved Her Marz
Today was... odd. I dunno. I guess it started in guard, where Scott sat us down and gave us another winterguard chat and reviewed yesterday's work with us. Naturally, I got super discouraged when I couldn't get the ending toss out right :/ It's totally cool when the sucky sophomore can toss perfectly and I can't even get it high enough to not hit me everytime. I need to work harder! I'll get that toss even if I get an arm full of bruises in the process!
Then in math we didn't do anything, except watch a movie about discovering the moon. Bo-ring. I instead pulled out my sketchbook and practiced my writing and drew in the dark. Yes, I have to admit: I'm obsessed with gorgeous penmanship. It's a weird feeling to write when you can't see what you're doing... you feel the words :)
But then art kind of sucked. Shelley was upset with Mrs. K and I got struck with a huge wave of empathy and felt awful for her. Everyone's feeling this terrible burn out :/ I sat down and diligently painted my Lenore memorial, Old Man's Child pounding in my ears, and sadness in my heart. I don't know why I was sad, though. Nothing terribly awful was happening in my life... I was just sad. And I still am. I have a headache and I'm so sleepy and just ready to close my eyes and not wake up til it's time for school. Ideally, not wake up until the late hours of the afternoon, but life's a bitch.
I wish I knew why I'm feeling randomly sad all the time. Maybe it's because it's November, and that was rough for me last year... who knows. I just want this to all go away. I want to jump into my fairytale and never have to come back.
xx Her Spirit Wild, Heart Of A Child, Yet Gentle Still And Quiet And Mild And He Loved Her Marz
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Day 7 // Not Retarded (Ok, Maybe A Little Bit) Post
So! Last night was super fun with Ria, Nelson, and James. We seriously went into the most ghetto Mexican part of Dallas for some super amazing tacos... worth it. Totally worth it. Now, I didn't feel safe whatsoever (I doubt the guys could have put up a fight) and all the Mexicans staring us down didn't help. I felt like I was going to get knifed, raped, and carjacked in that order. Still, we got some awesome tacos and watched Mean Girls :)
Today was lazy. Went out to lunch with my dad and we ate at work. Turns out two of my favorite servers are quitting in a matter of days :( They always picked on me and called it "Little Sister Syndrome", since I was like a little sister to them. I'll miss them a lot :( BUT! This means that hopefully Craig will start training me to serve. Woo hoo! I spent the rest of the day working on Opium Poe, which is about as done as it'll ever be. Bahh. I messed it up towards the end.
I can't remember what his name was, but back in 9th grade, a senior on drumline gave me a bunch of CDs, which I though I lost, but turns out they've been on my computer all this time. Dimmu Borgir, Old Man's Child, Emperor, and a Pantera mix tape. Soundtrack of my day <3
I want this for Christmas. I regret not putting it on my Pollyanna list. I wish the green and black one was in stock, because I want a little bit of green. Grey's cool, though.
http://www.skullcandy.com/shop/hesh-shattered-gray.html
So I realized something a few days ago. When I browse Facebook, I see a lot of mushy couple stuff. You know, like when people post statuses (Stati? Ha ha :P) and always throw in something about their sig other. It's cool and all and yay for them, but, and this may sound harsh and I don't mean any offense, but I find myself asking why is it that all those awkward kids are able to find someone to love, and I can't? Ha ha, am I doing something wrong? I know that sounds weird, but it's just always eating at me. I'm a good kid, make good grades, somewhat liked among my peers, got a decent rep going for me, and I'm pretty mature in comparison to a lot of other people my age. So what's up with my short end of the stick? Ha ha, it's just something silly I thought about the other day. Kind of interesting. I mean, I'm totally happy for all those kids that find happiness in one another, but sometimes I wonder why I can't catch a break, too. And I'm sure this sounds totally stuck-up, selfish, immature, and ridiculous, but it was just an observation that made me smile. I don't know where I'm going with this anymore, ha ha. I should just stop now. Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong perspective? Or maybe I'm just going batshit crazy.
Day 7: Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For
My friends, each and every one of you. Anyone who I talk to regularly, you're the reason I live. I live because without you, I'd be lost. I can't just pick one person; it's all of you.
xx And I Long For This Mirrored Perspective When We'll Be Lovers, Lovers At Last Marz
Today was lazy. Went out to lunch with my dad and we ate at work. Turns out two of my favorite servers are quitting in a matter of days :( They always picked on me and called it "Little Sister Syndrome", since I was like a little sister to them. I'll miss them a lot :( BUT! This means that hopefully Craig will start training me to serve. Woo hoo! I spent the rest of the day working on Opium Poe, which is about as done as it'll ever be. Bahh. I messed it up towards the end.
I can't remember what his name was, but back in 9th grade, a senior on drumline gave me a bunch of CDs, which I though I lost, but turns out they've been on my computer all this time. Dimmu Borgir, Old Man's Child, Emperor, and a Pantera mix tape. Soundtrack of my day <3
I want this for Christmas. I regret not putting it on my Pollyanna list. I wish the green and black one was in stock, because I want a little bit of green. Grey's cool, though.
http://www.skullcandy.com/shop/hesh-shattered-gray.html
So I realized something a few days ago. When I browse Facebook, I see a lot of mushy couple stuff. You know, like when people post statuses (Stati? Ha ha :P) and always throw in something about their sig other. It's cool and all and yay for them, but, and this may sound harsh and I don't mean any offense, but I find myself asking why is it that all those awkward kids are able to find someone to love, and I can't? Ha ha, am I doing something wrong? I know that sounds weird, but it's just always eating at me. I'm a good kid, make good grades, somewhat liked among my peers, got a decent rep going for me, and I'm pretty mature in comparison to a lot of other people my age. So what's up with my short end of the stick? Ha ha, it's just something silly I thought about the other day. Kind of interesting. I mean, I'm totally happy for all those kids that find happiness in one another, but sometimes I wonder why I can't catch a break, too. And I'm sure this sounds totally stuck-up, selfish, immature, and ridiculous, but it was just an observation that made me smile. I don't know where I'm going with this anymore, ha ha. I should just stop now. Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong perspective? Or maybe I'm just going batshit crazy.
Day 7: Someone Who Has Made Your Life Worth Living For
My friends, each and every one of you. Anyone who I talk to regularly, you're the reason I live. I live because without you, I'd be lost. I can't just pick one person; it's all of you.
xx And I Long For This Mirrored Perspective When We'll Be Lovers, Lovers At Last Marz
Honestly, I'm Super Bored
Honestly, are you in love right now?
>No, not really.
Honestly, what color is your underwear?
>Black... like my soul.
Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
>How Leigh and I used to have some joke about "Black... like my soul'
Honestly, what are you doing right now?
>This damned survey because it's Sunday and I'm not at church!
Honestly, what did you do today?
>Woke up, showered, then computer.
Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
>Yeah, I think so. I mean, if you don't think you look good, no one else will.
Honestly, have you done something bad today?
>No, I've been good!
Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?
>Hm, not so much anymore, unless a good movie is on.
Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
>At this very moment? No.
Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
>The good natured people I surround myself with. I love you guys.
Honestly, do you bite your nails?
>I used to be REALLY bad about biting until I'd bleed. Now it's super rare and usually just to fix a jagged edge or something.
Honestly, what is your mood right now?
>Apathetic.
Honestly, who do you want to see at this very moment?
>No one really, ha ha. I have a lot of work to get done!
Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
>Doesn't everybody? But I post most of my stuff on here.
Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
>No, I don't hate. Although I might seem like I do, deep down, I can't hate them.
Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
>A guy who gives big bear hugs. Ha ha, I love being extreme.
Honestly, do your wrists hurt?
>Nope.
Honestly, are you in denial?
>I hope not!
Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
>Not really. I'm too hungry. Maybe a sandwich and then sex, ha ha.
Honestly, is it easier to talk on Myspace than in person?
>To a point. But then emotion gets lost and being in person makes everything so much better.
Honestly, does anyone like you?
>Maybe. I'm a heartkiller, so I don't know who I've scared off lately.
Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
>Beats me. Ask them.
Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
>Well I might have delicately worded some of them, but all of the ideas were true, ha ha.
>No, not really.
Honestly, what color is your underwear?
>Black... like my soul.
Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
>How Leigh and I used to have some joke about "Black... like my soul'
Honestly, what are you doing right now?
>This damned survey because it's Sunday and I'm not at church!
Honestly, what did you do today?
>Woke up, showered, then computer.
Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
>Yeah, I think so. I mean, if you don't think you look good, no one else will.
Honestly, have you done something bad today?
>No, I've been good!
Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?
>Hm, not so much anymore, unless a good movie is on.
Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
>At this very moment? No.
Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
>The good natured people I surround myself with. I love you guys.
Honestly, do you bite your nails?
>I used to be REALLY bad about biting until I'd bleed. Now it's super rare and usually just to fix a jagged edge or something.
Honestly, what is your mood right now?
>Apathetic.
Honestly, who do you want to see at this very moment?
>No one really, ha ha. I have a lot of work to get done!
Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
>Doesn't everybody? But I post most of my stuff on here.
Honestly, do you hate someone right now?
>No, I don't hate. Although I might seem like I do, deep down, I can't hate them.
Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now?
>A guy who gives big bear hugs. Ha ha, I love being extreme.
Honestly, do your wrists hurt?
>Nope.
Honestly, are you in denial?
>I hope not!
Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now?
>Not really. I'm too hungry. Maybe a sandwich and then sex, ha ha.
Honestly, is it easier to talk on Myspace than in person?
>To a point. But then emotion gets lost and being in person makes everything so much better.
Honestly, does anyone like you?
>Maybe. I'm a heartkiller, so I don't know who I've scared off lately.
Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
>Beats me. Ask them.
Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly?
>Well I might have delicately worded some of them, but all of the ideas were true, ha ha.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Opium Poe
This weekend, I have to finish this ink piece that I call Opium Poe. It's him chillin' with his pipe and having smoky visions of his stories... cool concept, but I think I'm tackling it the wrong way. I have to figure out a cool background, ha ha. Gotta get back to work...
OH MY GOD. So I got written up for cheating during the SAT today. I guess it's really my fault, though, for not taking the note card out last night when I was packing my things. Of course, my luck would have it fall out of the calculator and while I'm trying to hide it, of course the proctor would see it. I can't tell if the head lady really believed me or if she was pulling good cop/bad cop on me. She gave me hug because I was so distressed :P I don't handle getting in trouble well... I might have a rebellious attitude, but I'm a good kid. Every time the phone rings, I'm afraid it's them calling home to tell my parents.
Speaking of parents. Last night was really nice at Senior Night. Apparently mom left for Illinois in the afternoon and wasn't there to walk me across the field. Dad was there, in his pink shirt :P He'd never stood on the field before and had a good time jumping on the 50. Oh dad, you crack me up. I wish mom could have been there, though, but I understand her going to her dad's funeral.
Ha ha, the Tahoe keeps breaking. New fuel pump cost dad $850... sorry dad. But! He says depending on where I go to school, I might see a new car. I'm thinking a CR-V, because it's big (I need a big car! I can't help it! You can't downsize ;)) and more fuel efficient than my 14 MPG tank. I dunno, we'll see...
I totally had a dream about a 10 string bass guitar last night. I don't remember anything except looking at this mess of strings and then I woke up. This is what happens when you stare at too many pictures of Marco Hietala rocking out :)
Tonight is movie/taco night with my art friends. Apparently it's just Ria, Nelson, James, and I tonight... We're missing three people D: Sad life. Oh well, it'll be interesting! First I need to finish up downloading more Bodom and Gaga.
xx Boys Boys Boys Buy Us Drinks In Bars Marz (Hey, that rhymed! Badass!)
OH MY GOD. So I got written up for cheating during the SAT today. I guess it's really my fault, though, for not taking the note card out last night when I was packing my things. Of course, my luck would have it fall out of the calculator and while I'm trying to hide it, of course the proctor would see it. I can't tell if the head lady really believed me or if she was pulling good cop/bad cop on me. She gave me hug because I was so distressed :P I don't handle getting in trouble well... I might have a rebellious attitude, but I'm a good kid. Every time the phone rings, I'm afraid it's them calling home to tell my parents.
Speaking of parents. Last night was really nice at Senior Night. Apparently mom left for Illinois in the afternoon and wasn't there to walk me across the field. Dad was there, in his pink shirt :P He'd never stood on the field before and had a good time jumping on the 50. Oh dad, you crack me up. I wish mom could have been there, though, but I understand her going to her dad's funeral.
Ha ha, the Tahoe keeps breaking. New fuel pump cost dad $850... sorry dad. But! He says depending on where I go to school, I might see a new car. I'm thinking a CR-V, because it's big (I need a big car! I can't help it! You can't downsize ;)) and more fuel efficient than my 14 MPG tank. I dunno, we'll see...
I totally had a dream about a 10 string bass guitar last night. I don't remember anything except looking at this mess of strings and then I woke up. This is what happens when you stare at too many pictures of Marco Hietala rocking out :)
Tonight is movie/taco night with my art friends. Apparently it's just Ria, Nelson, James, and I tonight... We're missing three people D: Sad life. Oh well, it'll be interesting! First I need to finish up downloading more Bodom and Gaga.
xx Boys Boys Boys Buy Us Drinks In Bars Marz (Hey, that rhymed! Badass!)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I Met Kat Von D!
Woo hoo! Tonight I ventured out into Dallas with Victor and Heather to go meet Kat Von D! It was awesome... she was awesome! She's so pretty in real life and so nice! She even signed my makeup brushes along with my book <3 Then we got to meet Rooftop and Jeff from the show, too! It was like awesome piled on awesome. Then we got lost downtown and totally drove down one way streets the wrong way... and to top it off, Victor even went out and bought me Kat Von D eyeliner! That was so sweet of him to do that for me.
Now I can say I've met two celebrities in my life :) First Criss Angel, and now Kat! Ahhh it was such a good night!
Oh my gosh, guess what! So this morning we had our senior panoramic picture and we were in a huge line according to height. So Jen and I are sitting there in line with the 5'3" people and I got to thinking. Karl's about that height, if I remember right. Right I was, because he was a bit of a ways in front of me in the line. So we're filing up on the bleachers and ISN'T IT MY LUCK that I got to stand directly in front of him on the lower row of bleachers. How's that for weird?! That and the fact that Asshat Austin (who should have been on like, the top row. The kid's tall as hell) stood like, four feet away from me on the bottom row for some reason. I think it was because he was late or something. Gross.
Oh, and my grandfather died tonight. I never knew the man, and according to my mom, he was a total dick and made her life hell. I guess I should feel sad, but I didn't know the guy, so I can't feel. I suppose I should feel for my mom.
And then today I realized that maybe life isn't so shitty after all. Sure, it's crappy, but maybe I'm just being selfish. It's a problem I have, where I focus too much on the small picture sometimes and less on bigger things. It's weird how I have trouble talking about my problems with my "best friends". Maybe that's a problem in itself, though. Heather would judge. Sarah would be polite but not make me feel better. Jamie would tell me what I don't want to hear. And so I'm terribly thankful to Ian for going above and beyond anything I would have expected. Despite our unorthodox situation, he's still the most understanding and nonjudgmental person I know. Like, he moved me so much that I almost cried a little in math class today. I'm so glad we realized we don't hate each other like we thought we did, ha ha. Life's strange sometimes, isn't it?
xx Could You Ever Kill The Pain In My Heart Even Though They Say Angels Don't Kill Marz
Now I can say I've met two celebrities in my life :) First Criss Angel, and now Kat! Ahhh it was such a good night!
Oh my gosh, guess what! So this morning we had our senior panoramic picture and we were in a huge line according to height. So Jen and I are sitting there in line with the 5'3" people and I got to thinking. Karl's about that height, if I remember right. Right I was, because he was a bit of a ways in front of me in the line. So we're filing up on the bleachers and ISN'T IT MY LUCK that I got to stand directly in front of him on the lower row of bleachers. How's that for weird?! That and the fact that Asshat Austin (who should have been on like, the top row. The kid's tall as hell) stood like, four feet away from me on the bottom row for some reason. I think it was because he was late or something. Gross.
Oh, and my grandfather died tonight. I never knew the man, and according to my mom, he was a total dick and made her life hell. I guess I should feel sad, but I didn't know the guy, so I can't feel. I suppose I should feel for my mom.
And then today I realized that maybe life isn't so shitty after all. Sure, it's crappy, but maybe I'm just being selfish. It's a problem I have, where I focus too much on the small picture sometimes and less on bigger things. It's weird how I have trouble talking about my problems with my "best friends". Maybe that's a problem in itself, though. Heather would judge. Sarah would be polite but not make me feel better. Jamie would tell me what I don't want to hear. And so I'm terribly thankful to Ian for going above and beyond anything I would have expected. Despite our unorthodox situation, he's still the most understanding and nonjudgmental person I know. Like, he moved me so much that I almost cried a little in math class today. I'm so glad we realized we don't hate each other like we thought we did, ha ha. Life's strange sometimes, isn't it?
xx Could You Ever Kill The Pain In My Heart Even Though They Say Angels Don't Kill Marz
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
OMG FINALLY HOME.
We rolled into Hebron at about 5:30 AM this morning and had the joy of unloading the buses in a cold drizzle. After dropping Jamie off and buying some saline solution, I think I got home an hour later and went straight to bed. I woke up at 1 PM with a headache and spent the day working on government and bumming around online. I'll write about the weekend later, because I have something else on my mind tonight.
I'm SO SICK of my friends voicing their opinions on guys I choose to talk to. They never seem to approve of anyone I want to text or hang out with. Like this weekend, I was texting David and they're like, "Don't do it, man! Don't get mixed in with him!" Seriously? Why can't I associate myself with who I want to?
Then Ian and I texted a lot this weekend and guess what the friends said? "Ugh, don't talk to him, he's creepy." Screw you all! I want to talk to my friends! Maybe I choose to talk to people like David and Ian because they're not opinionated assholes like my so called best friends.
Like, I'm sorry that I can't be like you guys and have awesome boyfriends and awesome sex lives and sit around and talk about birth control and places we've had sex and dirty things we do. Sorry that I'm always in last place. And seriously, the "Knock On A Virgin!" in place of knock on wood thing is SO old. Thanks for always pointing it out. Sure I laugh about it, but really, it hurts. The pressure is absolutely awful. When everyone was reading Cosmo and telling stories last night, I just got so angry and went to sleep.
And I'm so sick of being called prude. It's not that I'm prude, I just don't have these awesome opportunities like everyone else. Sorry that I'm interested in other things and that sex isn't at the top of my list. God. I'm not like other girls. Why can't my friends see that? I think Sarah finally caught on this morning that I was left out last night, but didn't say much more on that.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just bitter and lonely. I wish a little bit of light would come my way. Cause apparently I'm not a good girlfriend in a relationship, and I'm miserable out of one, so who am I supposed to please?
But it's ok. I've got Children of Bodom and Krypteria to keep me company tonight.
xx Then Again It's Like Being Needled 24/7 Marz
I'm SO SICK of my friends voicing their opinions on guys I choose to talk to. They never seem to approve of anyone I want to text or hang out with. Like this weekend, I was texting David and they're like, "Don't do it, man! Don't get mixed in with him!" Seriously? Why can't I associate myself with who I want to?
Then Ian and I texted a lot this weekend and guess what the friends said? "Ugh, don't talk to him, he's creepy." Screw you all! I want to talk to my friends! Maybe I choose to talk to people like David and Ian because they're not opinionated assholes like my so called best friends.
Like, I'm sorry that I can't be like you guys and have awesome boyfriends and awesome sex lives and sit around and talk about birth control and places we've had sex and dirty things we do. Sorry that I'm always in last place. And seriously, the "Knock On A Virgin!" in place of knock on wood thing is SO old. Thanks for always pointing it out. Sure I laugh about it, but really, it hurts. The pressure is absolutely awful. When everyone was reading Cosmo and telling stories last night, I just got so angry and went to sleep.
And I'm so sick of being called prude. It's not that I'm prude, I just don't have these awesome opportunities like everyone else. Sorry that I'm interested in other things and that sex isn't at the top of my list. God. I'm not like other girls. Why can't my friends see that? I think Sarah finally caught on this morning that I was left out last night, but didn't say much more on that.
I don't know where I'm going with this. I guess I'm just bitter and lonely. I wish a little bit of light would come my way. Cause apparently I'm not a good girlfriend in a relationship, and I'm miserable out of one, so who am I supposed to please?
But it's ok. I've got Children of Bodom and Krypteria to keep me company tonight.
xx Then Again It's Like Being Needled 24/7 Marz
Monday, November 1, 2010
Ok Go Says "And Here It Goes, Here It Goes Again..."
My God, this has been an awkwardly long weekend. But tonight was... fun. So much fun. And it all took me by surprise!
I didn't want to let go.
xx I Should Have Known Marz
I didn't want to let go.
xx I Should Have Known Marz
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