WHAT.

I FEEL SO LIED TO.

xx Marz

End of Winterguard 2010

Yep. Today was championships.

I must say, we did amazing :) We even made 8th place out of 18... way awesome, compared to last year's 13th. And we scored 80 point something... I dunno. But in the 80s is way rad!

And OMG. WE SAW PATRICK! Well first we saw Jessie, and she got him to wave at us :) And then there was that one girl giving us a look... and the other girl kind of looking... whatever :P Black Gold was amazing as always and such a fun show! We totally skipped out on Ars Nova... Because we've seen them at EVERY contest and I'm tired of the aliens. They got first and Black Gold got second :( Oh well.

MEGAN CAME BACK! I was so excited to see her! It's been two years and she still looks as fab as ever! She brought her fiance... he looks really nice.

And WTF. After meeting Patrick and exchanging names and talking about how awesome we were, Sarah, Robert, and I walked back to our hallway. I leaped up in the air for a click of the heels and freaking landed in a giant puddle of icy water in the middle of the hallway. I was so confused... the first thing I said was, "Why the hell is there a puddle in the middle of the hallway?" And jumped up. My pants were soaked and my wrist hurts! So not cool. But I WILL marry him someday. I just know it.

But at the end of the night, I wasn't sad that I didn't perform. I was pretty happy for us all and I'm really lucky that even though I didn't perform, I was still wanted and treated like a performer :)

xx Somewhere In Time I Will Find You And Love You Again Marz

I'm A Workin' Girl

Worked three days in a row and I'm finally getting the hang of things. Tonight I even got to host by myself for a bit! Felt really good :)

I've been staying up super late finishing homework and I've been waking up exhausted and hating the world. Good thing is that it's over! Tomorrow is my last day of psychology :( I'mma fail that test for sure. And I'm gonna go to the dodge ball tournament to watch Mr M, as he put it, "beat the shit out of high school students". That should be fun!

And I'm WAY confused. I feel like everything's kind of... flipped. Like when we're in San Antonio for BOA and I'm making a waffle. Everything's ok until you flip the waffle machine and then magic happens. Well I wouldn't call this magic... maybe a miracle, maybe some stroke of fate. There's gotta be some explanation for all of this. Something is either working against me or with me... Though I don't know why. My horoscope was true! 2010 is a giant 180 degree turn for everything in my life.

Thinking back to what Heather and I talked about earlier, it would be really funny if I was right. Even though I know it couldn't possibly ever happen in a million years, it's still a thought that made me smile and laugh. Like when I was working earlier, I saw this young couple walking with their arms around each other under their umbrella in the pouring rain. I smiled and it brought back memories. So did the sound of that sigh! That's all I do at work... is think. Remember. Create. Destroy. Plot. Anything relating to the thought process.

And balls! How is it that the two of them text me at the SAME time every night and have the SAME conversation with me? It's weird. Looks like I have three, possibly four, boys oogling over me and it's kind of annoying. I need to find someone awesome. I'm, once again, the odd one out for two reasons. One, which is obvious but others would rather not have it known because it would exploit them and then two, I'm the one with no boyfriend. Whatever.

xx Holding Onto The Phone, Holding Onto This Glass, Holding Onto The Memory Of What Didn't Last Marz

Oh My Gosh.

I never thought we'd speak again. I'm glad to know he doesn't hate me.

But I'm afraid. Afraid of fighting again.

xx Together At Fault Lines, Living At Two Opposite Ends Marz

The More I Look At It

The more sincere it seems. I have this fantasy, I guess, that everything is different. That all of the old nastiness is gone and has been replaced by something more tender and understanding. Of course, this is just all in my mind. That something maybe clicked and changed. A girl can dream~

I've spent the last two days doing homework. I wrote my rough draft, did one brochure, and finished one painting. Three projects done! All that's left is half of my Frederick Douglass quotes, one more painting, and one more brochure. This is what I get for taking 3 AP classes. Well art isn't AP, but it is considered "Advances Painting", so yeah, AP :P Hopefully I don't die.

I had a lovely 11 day Spring Break :) Gosh, that's long... I'm looking forward to school, though. I miss my friends and my salami sandwiches. I just miss my schedule most of all. My Happy Sandwich Time, eating breakfast in the hallway, snack time at 12, lunch at 2, snackums at 5, and dinner.

BUT NOW I HAVE A JOB. So my schedule is a bit wonky now. I hope I don't mess up too much... I'm nervous and my first day is tomorrow! Ahhhh! How hard can hostessing be? ;) Least I have a source of income now. So happy for that. Plus prom is right around the corner and I have to make money for tickets, dinner, and hair! Maybe I can get mom to pay for hair... I'll probably have to borrow money from dad, regardless. Somehow, I made $120 last week and spent half of it already. Oh no, not good. Well, I did go to Sonic and Fruitealicious a lot... Damn, blew it all on food. And gas. And dinner with Jamie. All I have left is $60... oh wait, mom has money for me, and allowance today, so I'm up to $105. Ok, good so far. Just no more spending.

Time to watch Underworld. It was only $5 on iTunes, so I figured I should give it a go. It looks pretty interesting!

xx What's Tomorrow Without You? Is This Our Last Goodbye Marz

Well.

I asked him to prom in a cemetery.

xx Love And Barbed Wire Marz

Finland Music!

So I found this Finnish alternative rock band called Uniklubi. And they are AMAZING. Even if their songs are all in Finnish and none of the CDs are available in America or on Amazon, they're still wonderful.

As I was bumming around on VampireFreaks, I kinda got to thinking. I've planned out my dream wedding and my dream house and how I'm gonna raise my kids and everything, but I never planned out my dream guy. Like, other than touching up on it in psychology, I don't really have any idea in mind. And that's a good thing, but hey, it can't hurt to dream :)

I picture my dream guy as not freakishly tall, but a good height. A little more on the beefy side, because skinny guys are awkward. Someone who's not afraid to grow his hair out a bit. Someone who likes Nightwish or The Rasmus (Chances are, he'll like both of them.) and will sing songs to me. He's gotta be fun and sociable, but still really good at mellowing out and living in the moment. Oh, and he canNOT be super smart. I mean being smart is ok, but I don't want to feel dumb or have to argue about things. A good level of intelligence, but not an annoying one where I want to kick him in the pants.

He's gotta be up for anything... like going camping and playing Blokus and keeping a pet bird. Oh, it'd be awesome if he knew about birds so that we could get an African Pied Crow together. Someone who likes sushi and different kinds of food. And he totally needs to understand my creative space. Maybe someone who's creative like me? I dunno, just in some aspect, so we wouldn't compete. Someone supportive and easy-going. Someone who can handle stress and calmly get through things without making a big fuss. Oh, and he totally has to love music and going to see shows! And he has to let me borrow his jackets and shirts. There's probably more, but I'm sleepy. I'll dream up the rest!

Oh, and I got that iPod :)

xx Remember To Live Forever Marz

Oh, Hey Blog :) HAPPY BIRTHDAY

So since I've gotten my wisdom teeth out, I've kind of been so out of whack. My sleeping hours are all messed up and I'm eating at strange hours. Good news is one of my stitches fell out and most of the hurt is gone. My jaw is yellow and slightly swollen, but pretty ok. I still need to eat soft food, though, and no soda for a few weeks. I'll give it til Jamie's birthday and then I'm going back on soda. Because I'm really sick of these caffeine headaches.

MY NAME IS MARISSA AND I AM A CAFFEINE ADDICT.

It's true... AND HEY, TODAY'S MY BIRTHDAY. I'm 17 now. So I can give legal sexual consent, I don't have to sneak into movies anymore, and I don't have a curfew (Well, somewhat.) . I got a few happy birthday texts and lots of wall posts on Facebook, but the most shocking was a text I got a little bit ago. I was just sitting there peeling shrimp and all of the sudden, Happy Birthday. I wasn't really expecting it at all, so I was pretty surprised. Hold the phone! That means our favorite person remembered my birthday! Maybe this puzzling person wasn't lying. But I'm having a tough time interpreting it. Is it a sign of formality, or a return the favor, or a sign of weakness? Maybe a chance at reconciliation. For some reason, I read it as half-hearted and forced. Like when moms make their kids kiss grandma goodbye and the kids are all like, "NO I HATE YOU GO DIE."

I dunno. I guess I should say thank you, but I don't want to look weak and it doesn't seem sincere at all. Sure I sound like a huge bitch, but I hold grudges and I wasn't the one that caused all of this. So I'm not giving in first.

AND GROSS! We saw Waida freaking driving some girl out of my neighborhood! He looked over at us and was smiling. And he was driving a truck. Which only made us all laugh and proved our point that arrogant, egotistical, annoying douchebags all drive trucks. Ha ha, we're so opinionated.

But yeah, good birthday so far. Heather got me a present last night, which was this cute Alice in Wonderland ornament that I'm totally hanging in my car and colored pens! I love pens! In colors! I wonder what else I'll get tonight... I'm not really looking for presents, but it'd be AWESOME to get a freaking iPod. Ha ha. And that wig for Ivy.

xx When You're Sad And No One Knows It, I'll Send You Black Roses Marz

Lazy Bum

Dang, it's almost been a week since my last post. I'm slacking off...

This past week has just been all ups and downs. I don't really remember anything huge, so we'll just call it average and move on.

So today while sitting in psych, I had the most terrible daydreams that I was hardcore fighting someone. And by hardcore, I mean laying down fists and lots of scratching and kicking. I feel that in the past few months, I've had a lot of pent up emotions. Some new ones I can add to the mix are skepticism, cynical, trust issues, and hostile.

I just can't help it! The mere sight of "it" just sets me off and just gets me all wound up. I'd love nothing more than to just knock a few teeth out. It kind of bothers me... maybe borderline scares me. Just like when I was dealing with November, I'm perfectly fine with friends around to distract me, but once I'm alone, I'm just drowning in the abyss of my mind. Too much black water. Too cold. Too slick and sharp, like liquid glass shards.

I need to resolve my inner dilemma. Like I said last summer: Sophomore year was great, but I think that everything will change this year. And yes, everything did change.

Tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth out. No soda or gum for weeks.

xx But I Will Rise Again... The Fight Is To The End Marz

OMG ANETTE!

Anette Olzon is having a baby! :D I'm way excited! She's so awesome... And it's good that she's pregnant during this downtime between albums. Oh yay! I'm just so happy for her and for the new member of the Nightwish family :)

On a very unrelated topic, thank you for everything. Because of you, I'm a new person.

Lots of fun today... went to see the face surgeon and we scheduled my wisdom teeth removal for next Thursday. Which means I get two extra days of spring break :) Then mom took me to Canes for lunch and back to school just in time for the end of art class. Luckily, I'm already done, so no rush there.

OMG. I hate dumb people. This moron in my art class keeps referring to my painting as a drawing. Um, hello! Do you see ANY bit of graphite on here? I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that's ALL PAINT. And then some other dumb girl was like, "Your picture's awesome!" It's a painting! Is that so hard to understand?! Gah! Dumb people!

Whatever. Rest of the day was boring... it was a nice day. The weather has finally turned for the better! Hopefully it'll be nice on my birthday. I wonder what surprises the friends have ready for me... Or what we'll even do.

I feel like the older sister from '10 Things I Hate About You'.

xx We Ran Through The Graveyard To Catch The Midnight Sun Marz

Still Sick...

Chyeah, still sick. Now it's just the nasty drips and roll out when you don't want them to... bahh. Spring sickness is almost over.

Gah, I hate feeling so hateful and angsty. Like, it's not good and totally violates the Law of Threefold Return. I should really learn to channel my negativity... but it's so hard not to when I'm stuck with "IT" everyday. Whatever. Like I said, this is war.

And I'm tired of whiny people that can't take a joke. If you say something even slightly off, they blow up and act like you insulted every bit of them. Seriously? We're in high school. Grow UP. It's about time...

My painting in art is AMAZING :) Mrs K came up behind me and was like, "Marissa, gothic much?" which made me look at my piece in a weird way. I didn't see it as gothic at all... 80% of it is shades of blue, purple, and brown, and the other 20% is black and red. It's not that dark... sure, the girl looks like a ghost, but that's also because of the limited palate I used. I dunno, it looks great, so I'm happy. As soon as I saw it, I thought of lyrics from "Ghost Love Score"... and so I named it Siren From the Deep. Pretty fitting.

Art class is like, my ego boost. The time that I can shine and feel amazing about myself. I guess based on what I learned in psych today, my defense mechanism is Identification, meaning I surround myself with others that can boost my self esteem. Works for me :)

I consider myself a modest person... so I'm entitled to my rare bouts of ego. Ta-da. MAGIC. Like my boy, Criss... <3

xx And I'll Blend Up That Rainbow Above You And Shoot It Through Your Veins Marz