As I was driving up on the ramp that took me from 635 to the Tollway, I got to thinking again. Thinking and linking things together and digging deep into things that not ought to be dug up.
I realized no one was going to be there for me on Saturday.
Winterguard championships.
My last show ever.
My time to be recognized as a senior in front of everyone.
Every time we walked onto the floor to begin setting our equipment, the Hebron moms would all sit in one spot and cheer us like crazy. I looked up to see them every time: Jamie's mom, Heather's mom, Harri's mom, Sarah's mom, Mrs. Cyr, and sometimes a few other moms. But never my parents.
I guess it didn't bother me too much during the last few shows, but it would have been nice to have my parents come up and congratulate me on a good show afterwards. Sure it hurt a little bit, knowing mom was at work or just sitting around at home and dad was probably off with his girlfriend, but I just kind of acted like it didn't matter.
Well now it does. This is my last chance to perform, and after this show I'll probably never find myself in the performing arts ever again, performing in front of an audience and being judged. Never. This is championships. At retreat, the announcer will call out the names of all the seniors, and no one will be there to hear my name and care.
Mom's gonna be in Philadelphia at my cousin's wedding. Dad will be who knows where, but winterguard isn't really his thing so he won't go. Why make him go to something boring and dull and alone? What's he gonna do, sit with the moms? As if. Maybe he'd bring his girlfriend.
I know I bitch a lot about how much I wish I was gone and away from my parents, but in my last few months with them, I thought maybe they'd support me during my final events. I wish I had someone, anyone, there.
xx The World Has Forsaken My Girl Marz
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Monday, March 28, 2011
RIP Tahoe :(
Oh my God, I'm pretty sure one of my dreams came true. Ever since I first started going to concerts, I always dreamed of the day when I'd get to go with a guy I liked... something about the blaring music and ambiance just appealed to me for some reason as something to share with someone I loved.
And I totally had that last night :) Yesterday as just a great day all over... so so great. Apocalyptica was just amazing! So Finnish... so perfect. Not to mention so much fabulous hair flipping around! My kind of boys ;P The only thing that could have made it cooler was if Lauri and Ville popped out and sang while Apocalyptica played "Bittersweet". In my dreams, though, in my dreams ;) I'm pretty sure that hearing them play "Nothing Else Matters" was just about one of the best moments of my life. And I think I like "I'm Not Jesus" better live than the album version. It just seemed to fit more. Oh well, I'm no music snob :P
OMG OMG OMG SPEAKING OF MUSIC. So Eric, the guy that does the "Meets Metal" videos, totally commented on my post on his wall. HE KNOWS I EXIST AND EVEN USED MY NAME. I almost jumped out of sheer excitement and fangirldom. I don't think I've outgrown being a fangirl... Something always pops up for me to love :P
I'm SO SO SO close to being done with Vampire Academy. Like, everything happened and now the story is ending. I can't believe Tasha was the killer! Totally didn't see it coming, but as soon as that one line talking about a person with an unmistakable appearance ended that chapter, I was like, "OMG TASHA KILLED THE QUEEN?!" And of course, Rose ends up truly putting Lissa first when she takes that bullet... but it was a kind of deus ex machina of an ending since her being shot erased the bond, restored her guardian status, and made her relationship with Dimitri known. Oh but of course, she had to deal with Adrian, since he saw Dimitri kiss her forehead and knew that Rose never stopped loving Dimitri. Oh, so sad, but I'm glad she chose Dimitri... THEY'RE SOUL MATES.I have like, fifteen pages left, I think. I'm gonna be so lost when I'm done with the book... I considered updating my fanficiton.net account... People ate my shit up!
Ranting, bahhh. I just cleaned out Tahoe because it's going away tonight :( RIP my baby... my big, green, beautiful baby. I'll miss urban picnics, I'll miss climbing on the roof, I'll miss being the biggest thing on the road. I'll miss the bright green, the off-roading, and the idea of being a tiny thing in a big tank. I'll also miss being so high up :( But now I get to spend the rest of my life with Honda, which is forever more to be known as Tahoe. Hondas never die... As soon as I was inside of the CR-V, I knew this would be the vehicle to spend my life with. It's beautiful, sleek, fast, and green :)
xx Long Ago, It Seemed So Long Ago How Young And Innocent We Were Marz
And I totally had that last night :) Yesterday as just a great day all over... so so great. Apocalyptica was just amazing! So Finnish... so perfect. Not to mention so much fabulous hair flipping around! My kind of boys ;P The only thing that could have made it cooler was if Lauri and Ville popped out and sang while Apocalyptica played "Bittersweet". In my dreams, though, in my dreams ;) I'm pretty sure that hearing them play "Nothing Else Matters" was just about one of the best moments of my life. And I think I like "I'm Not Jesus" better live than the album version. It just seemed to fit more. Oh well, I'm no music snob :P
OMG OMG OMG SPEAKING OF MUSIC. So Eric, the guy that does the "Meets Metal" videos, totally commented on my post on his wall. HE KNOWS I EXIST AND EVEN USED MY NAME. I almost jumped out of sheer excitement and fangirldom. I don't think I've outgrown being a fangirl... Something always pops up for me to love :P
I'm SO SO SO close to being done with Vampire Academy. Like, everything happened and now the story is ending. I can't believe Tasha was the killer! Totally didn't see it coming, but as soon as that one line talking about a person with an unmistakable appearance ended that chapter, I was like, "OMG TASHA KILLED THE QUEEN?!" And of course, Rose ends up truly putting Lissa first when she takes that bullet... but it was a kind of deus ex machina of an ending since her being shot erased the bond, restored her guardian status, and made her relationship with Dimitri known. Oh but of course, she had to deal with Adrian, since he saw Dimitri kiss her forehead and knew that Rose never stopped loving Dimitri. Oh, so sad, but I'm glad she chose Dimitri... THEY'RE SOUL MATES.I have like, fifteen pages left, I think. I'm gonna be so lost when I'm done with the book... I considered updating my fanficiton.net account... People ate my shit up!
Ranting, bahhh. I just cleaned out Tahoe because it's going away tonight :( RIP my baby... my big, green, beautiful baby. I'll miss urban picnics, I'll miss climbing on the roof, I'll miss being the biggest thing on the road. I'll miss the bright green, the off-roading, and the idea of being a tiny thing in a big tank. I'll also miss being so high up :( But now I get to spend the rest of my life with Honda, which is forever more to be known as Tahoe. Hondas never die... As soon as I was inside of the CR-V, I knew this would be the vehicle to spend my life with. It's beautiful, sleek, fast, and green :)
xx Long Ago, It Seemed So Long Ago How Young And Innocent We Were Marz
Friday, March 25, 2011
No Wonder I'm So Messed Up
I have a suicidal mom that can turn any conversation into a pity party about how miserable and lonely she is.
I have a dad that cheats and lies and teaches me the values of truth, but buys me happiness.
I have parents that don't see how their relationship has affected me.
Yes mom, I have trust issues.
I've never denied that, and you never noticed.
You call me a pathological hoarder.
You say I have a psychological problem.
Then why haven't you done anything about it?
You are my psychological problem.
Dad, you're so hard on me about everything.
I try my best, but don't you ever see how much pressure you put on me
To tell the truth, to succeed, to be responsible
When you yourself couldn't do any of those?
Isn't a responsibility of a parent to not be a hypocrite and help a child in need?
I honestly don't remember ever having a family.
As a kid, I hardly remember seeing my parents together, happy.
For awhile there, Dad lived in New Jersey while mom and I stayed in Texas.
Then we moved to Jersey, where dad found himself moved back to Texas.
It was like there was never a whole family unit.
Then when we all finally made it back to Texas, I just remember things never being right.
My parents never did anything together.
Just fought.
I remember multiple nights in which dad asked me why I never had friends over.
Well dad, it's because you guys always fight and I don't like my friends dealing with that.
I grew used to the silence.
I studied the silence to learn the music.
Still wasn't enough, though, because I stayed silent.
I didn't want people to knew I was sad.
I hate being at home.
I hate the awkward dinners, the fighting, the name calling and door slamming.
I hate mom always bringing me down before big days.
I hate dad always reprimanding me for teenage mistakes.
I hate how I was never praised or rewarded for achievements.
I don't think I ever really knew a family.
No wonder I'm so messed up.
Goddammit. I don't want to ruin my makeup before work.
xx Marz
I have a dad that cheats and lies and teaches me the values of truth, but buys me happiness.
I have parents that don't see how their relationship has affected me.
Yes mom, I have trust issues.
I've never denied that, and you never noticed.
You call me a pathological hoarder.
You say I have a psychological problem.
Then why haven't you done anything about it?
You are my psychological problem.
Dad, you're so hard on me about everything.
I try my best, but don't you ever see how much pressure you put on me
To tell the truth, to succeed, to be responsible
When you yourself couldn't do any of those?
Isn't a responsibility of a parent to not be a hypocrite and help a child in need?
I honestly don't remember ever having a family.
As a kid, I hardly remember seeing my parents together, happy.
For awhile there, Dad lived in New Jersey while mom and I stayed in Texas.
Then we moved to Jersey, where dad found himself moved back to Texas.
It was like there was never a whole family unit.
Then when we all finally made it back to Texas, I just remember things never being right.
My parents never did anything together.
Just fought.
I remember multiple nights in which dad asked me why I never had friends over.
Well dad, it's because you guys always fight and I don't like my friends dealing with that.
I grew used to the silence.
I studied the silence to learn the music.
Still wasn't enough, though, because I stayed silent.
I didn't want people to knew I was sad.
I hate being at home.
I hate the awkward dinners, the fighting, the name calling and door slamming.
I hate mom always bringing me down before big days.
I hate dad always reprimanding me for teenage mistakes.
I hate how I was never praised or rewarded for achievements.
I don't think I ever really knew a family.
No wonder I'm so messed up.
Goddammit. I don't want to ruin my makeup before work.
xx Marz
Thursday, March 24, 2011
MY BOY DID IT AGAIN!
New videos! Oh my God, this man truly knows how to reach out and grab my heart.
Bad. Ass. Right. There.
xx No Regrets, Just Love Marz
Bad. Ass. Right. There.
xx No Regrets, Just Love Marz
One Day
When I have a house of my own, I want to decorate the walls with art.
I just read that this past February, Jessica Galbreth retired her beautiful faerie and enchanted art line :( Now you have to track down the old stuff through certain sellers and eBay... sadlife! I loved her old stuff. Her new work is just as gorgeous, but there were some old classics I want to get sometime.
xx Paint Me A Picture And Hang It On The Wall Marz
I just read that this past February, Jessica Galbreth retired her beautiful faerie and enchanted art line :( Now you have to track down the old stuff through certain sellers and eBay... sadlife! I loved her old stuff. Her new work is just as gorgeous, but there were some old classics I want to get sometime.
xx Paint Me A Picture And Hang It On The Wall Marz
Baby's First Tattoo!
And I just realized he didn't even card me. He just took my word for it that I really was 18. Anyways! Todayyyy was the day :) JP was late, which freaked me out, but my some grace of Odin and Thor (Lolsace, tattoo art jokes), he finished it and I was out the door by 4:50. And it looks beautiful :)
Pain. The lineart wasn't horrible... I mean it sucked near the top and by the bone, but it was manageable. It wasn't pain, really, it was just this weird sensation of being uncomfortable and vibrating. At some points I could feel the buzzing in my bones. The shading part hurt less, and I found that when I listened to his stories, I felt less.
Truthfully, the art doesn't look like what I pictured it to be. But I still love this... It's beautiful and so well done. Who knows? Maybe I'll go back to him for another. He was so nice and wanted to see my portfolio sometime! Totally coming back :)
I won't regret this tattoo. It's roses, which are romantic and feminine, and ornate swirls, which I put on everything. It's one of my first signs of independence and an artistic gesture. Not to mention the feeling. The feeling of the needle... It made me feel so alive. I just felt so much.
Xx Oh The Flesh Turns Pink With Its Warmth Marz
Pain. The lineart wasn't horrible... I mean it sucked near the top and by the bone, but it was manageable. It wasn't pain, really, it was just this weird sensation of being uncomfortable and vibrating. At some points I could feel the buzzing in my bones. The shading part hurt less, and I found that when I listened to his stories, I felt less.
Truthfully, the art doesn't look like what I pictured it to be. But I still love this... It's beautiful and so well done. Who knows? Maybe I'll go back to him for another. He was so nice and wanted to see my portfolio sometime! Totally coming back :)
I won't regret this tattoo. It's roses, which are romantic and feminine, and ornate swirls, which I put on everything. It's one of my first signs of independence and an artistic gesture. Not to mention the feeling. The feeling of the needle... It made me feel so alive. I just felt so much.
Xx Oh The Flesh Turns Pink With Its Warmth Marz
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Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Relaxing Night
I'm laying in bed, listening to Queensryche and my Rainy Bus Ride Home Playlist, talking to my man, bullshitting with Scott and my friends, and enjoying the nice feeling you get after taking a hot bath. This is just a nice night, full of comfort and love :) I feel like Kirsten Dunst in Marie Antoinette... Where's my shoes and cake?!
Tomorrow's the big day :) Gettin' that ink! I'm so excited and I hope it all looks good. It'll be weird seeing it on my hip... Hopefully it won't show up in my costume! Anyways, a good night and day over all :)
xx There's No End To What I'd Do Marz
Tomorrow's the big day :) Gettin' that ink! I'm so excited and I hope it all looks good. It'll be weird seeing it on my hip... Hopefully it won't show up in my costume! Anyways, a good night and day over all :)
xx There's No End To What I'd Do Marz
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Tuesday, March 22, 2011
So Many Things To Post
And I keep forgetting to post them.
Oh well. So I'm sitting here and it's 12:08 and I'm still trying to pull my book project out of my ass. Tomorrow's gonna be brutal, what with the lack of sleep and practice and ughhhh. At least I'll get to spend some time with my favorite guy first :)
I don't know if it's from me hunching over, guard, or sleeping funny, but my back has just been killing me all weekend. It's just all sore around the bottom and bottom-center. So so so sore. On the plus, Pandora has been playing Phantom of the Opera a lot and the pretty organ makes me happy :) Also, I'm looking for shoes right now instead of finishing my project... see! I'm soo distracted!
Bahhh. I love musicals. I got ready for work while listening to the old old old version of Man of La Mancha, and it made me feel like a little girl again when I used to listen. Sooo good! Now I've got Phantom going... I'd love to see this live! Also Beauty and the Beast... I'm so sad the Broadway show ended in 2007... I missed my chance :( I'd love to hear the extra stage songs they included! Such good shows <3
I dunno, I'm just tired and kind of ready to give up again. I'm bogged down and it seems that I can never catch up. I have so much to do and so little time, and my car's broken and so getting around is tough. A new vehicle is on the horizon... I wonder what it'll be!
OH MY GOD, BEST THING EVER HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. So I was flipping through this month's InStyle looking for some inspiration and I flipped to a three page article all about Alex O'Loughlin and his sexy style! Oh my God, that meant ripping the pages out and sticking them on my Wall of Alex. Sooooo fine. He's sitting there complaining about his abs during Moonlight and I'm sitting there going "WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" Abs of an angel... er, vampire. My boy <3 He needs to grow his hair back out again... LONG MAN HAIR FTW.
Anyways. Back to Don Quixote.
xx If I Can't Love Her, Let The World Be Done With Me Marz
Oh well. So I'm sitting here and it's 12:08 and I'm still trying to pull my book project out of my ass. Tomorrow's gonna be brutal, what with the lack of sleep and practice and ughhhh. At least I'll get to spend some time with my favorite guy first :)
I don't know if it's from me hunching over, guard, or sleeping funny, but my back has just been killing me all weekend. It's just all sore around the bottom and bottom-center. So so so sore. On the plus, Pandora has been playing Phantom of the Opera a lot and the pretty organ makes me happy :) Also, I'm looking for shoes right now instead of finishing my project... see! I'm soo distracted!
Bahhh. I love musicals. I got ready for work while listening to the old old old version of Man of La Mancha, and it made me feel like a little girl again when I used to listen. Sooo good! Now I've got Phantom going... I'd love to see this live! Also Beauty and the Beast... I'm so sad the Broadway show ended in 2007... I missed my chance :( I'd love to hear the extra stage songs they included! Such good shows <3
I dunno, I'm just tired and kind of ready to give up again. I'm bogged down and it seems that I can never catch up. I have so much to do and so little time, and my car's broken and so getting around is tough. A new vehicle is on the horizon... I wonder what it'll be!
OH MY GOD, BEST THING EVER HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. So I was flipping through this month's InStyle looking for some inspiration and I flipped to a three page article all about Alex O'Loughlin and his sexy style! Oh my God, that meant ripping the pages out and sticking them on my Wall of Alex. Sooooo fine. He's sitting there complaining about his abs during Moonlight and I'm sitting there going "WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!" Abs of an angel... er, vampire. My boy <3 He needs to grow his hair back out again... LONG MAN HAIR FTW.
Anyways. Back to Don Quixote.
xx If I Can't Love Her, Let The World Be Done With Me Marz
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Birthday Booze
Oh hot damn, did we get slizzar'd last night! Chocolate covered cake balls, lime chips, booze booze booze... Oh man, good times. Joey is a riot! Taylor was such a little whiny bitch just because I scratched him as he threw me in the pool. Which sucked, cause the water was cold as ass. But it was a fun night :) Good times with good friends all in the name of my birthday!
And now we're on the bus to Mansfield... Kill me now. Least I have a fabulous iPod full of enough movies and music to make me happy :) I hope today goes alright... Like, I wanna do well, but I'm fine with whatever place we get. Heather wants to celebrate some more tonight... We need to find more liquor ;P
xx Burning Brightly Marz
And now we're on the bus to Mansfield... Kill me now. Least I have a fabulous iPod full of enough movies and music to make me happy :) I hope today goes alright... Like, I wanna do well, but I'm fine with whatever place we get. Heather wants to celebrate some more tonight... We need to find more liquor ;P
xx Burning Brightly Marz
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Wednesday, March 16, 2011
So Today I'm Eighteen.
And wow does it suck.
I hate to start off this post on a shitty note, but I'm just in an awful mood. I don't know why... I shouldn't be. I mean, I have the best boyfriend and friends in the world who got me the most wonderful gifts: the most adorable bunny, a killer hamburger phone, a beautiful iPod with kickass accessories, and according to dad my prom dress counts as a gift. Those were really really amazing presents and totally blew my mind. I love those guys, I really really do.
But I dunno. I woke up today (at 7:40) not wanting to go to Six Flags. It was a zoo... everyone and their mom was there. The lines were so long and the park was so crowded that we literally only rode on The Batman and that one water one that we all got super wet on. It was such bullshit and not fun because well one person doesn't like up and down rides, but someone else doesn't like really fast ones, and on and on. I can't stand stupid people, and that place was full of them. I normally love Six Flags when it's closer to the evening and the park is relatively dead, but this was the worst idea ever to go today. It wasn't even my idea. I didn't want to go at all.
And then there was the whole thing about Apocalyptica being rescheduled to the 27th... that's such bullshit. I guess what just sucked most of all was that I took the biggest risk ever in asking dad if I could go and possibly opening up a whole new set of lies and messing up a good sleepover, just for it to be rescheduled. I was really looking forward to a night of me and my guy and some fantastic music, but shit happens.
Ugh, and I have to go to work tonight. I just really don't want to... I have no motivation. And then mom's over there inviting Heather and Victor and Jamie to dinner and it's like WHOAH MOM, STOP. I don't even know when I'll be home for dinner and it's not like we can all just sit around and eat together. I'm quite frankly done with seeing my friends. It's been a fun few days, but I'm done. I want some alone time, some art time, some time to listen to music and get lost in my head.
Not to mention this weekend is just hectic as ever. Guard on Friday, then party at Jamie's, then contest all day Saturday and possibly Sunday if we do well enough. Plus I rescheduled my tattoo for a later date, which also saddens me, but again, shit happens.
I wish I had a good reason to be so sad, but I don't. And I feel bad for it.
xx So Close No Matter How Far, Couldn't Be Much More From The Heart Marz
I hate to start off this post on a shitty note, but I'm just in an awful mood. I don't know why... I shouldn't be. I mean, I have the best boyfriend and friends in the world who got me the most wonderful gifts: the most adorable bunny, a killer hamburger phone, a beautiful iPod with kickass accessories, and according to dad my prom dress counts as a gift. Those were really really amazing presents and totally blew my mind. I love those guys, I really really do.
But I dunno. I woke up today (at 7:40) not wanting to go to Six Flags. It was a zoo... everyone and their mom was there. The lines were so long and the park was so crowded that we literally only rode on The Batman and that one water one that we all got super wet on. It was such bullshit and not fun because well one person doesn't like up and down rides, but someone else doesn't like really fast ones, and on and on. I can't stand stupid people, and that place was full of them. I normally love Six Flags when it's closer to the evening and the park is relatively dead, but this was the worst idea ever to go today. It wasn't even my idea. I didn't want to go at all.
And then there was the whole thing about Apocalyptica being rescheduled to the 27th... that's such bullshit. I guess what just sucked most of all was that I took the biggest risk ever in asking dad if I could go and possibly opening up a whole new set of lies and messing up a good sleepover, just for it to be rescheduled. I was really looking forward to a night of me and my guy and some fantastic music, but shit happens.
Ugh, and I have to go to work tonight. I just really don't want to... I have no motivation. And then mom's over there inviting Heather and Victor and Jamie to dinner and it's like WHOAH MOM, STOP. I don't even know when I'll be home for dinner and it's not like we can all just sit around and eat together. I'm quite frankly done with seeing my friends. It's been a fun few days, but I'm done. I want some alone time, some art time, some time to listen to music and get lost in my head.
Not to mention this weekend is just hectic as ever. Guard on Friday, then party at Jamie's, then contest all day Saturday and possibly Sunday if we do well enough. Plus I rescheduled my tattoo for a later date, which also saddens me, but again, shit happens.
I wish I had a good reason to be so sad, but I don't. And I feel bad for it.
xx So Close No Matter How Far, Couldn't Be Much More From The Heart Marz
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Tonight's Briefs
1. Saw Red Riding Hood, very good movie
2. Found a new celebrity love: Ian Somerhalder
3. Turned a ruined drawing into a pretty mixed media piece
4. Going to bed now
xx Just One Kiss And I'm Alive Marz
2. Found a new celebrity love: Ian Somerhalder
3. Turned a ruined drawing into a pretty mixed media piece
4. Going to bed now
xx Just One Kiss And I'm Alive Marz
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Thursday, March 10, 2011
Medieval Art
Is very inspiring to me, especially since we're learning about the Middle Ages and Medieval times...
xx You Come Back Back When They Call You Marz
xx You Come Back Back When They Call You Marz
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
A Knight's Tale
Was a really good movie. I'll have to admit, Heath Ledger is one of the few blondes I've ever had the hots for... Sandy blonde, whatever he is. Although I must admit I found his brown hair in 10 Things I Hate About You a bit more attractive... Oh well.
Ever since finishing that movie in class, I've put myself back into that dream world of mine. I remember when I was ten and lived in that castle room and how I always imagined my world around me as my medieval paradise. My house was a castle, shopping carts at the grocery store were carriages, cats were dragons, and the blankets and scarves I wrapped myself in were my regal princess dresses.
It's like a filter only I can see. And since we've been doing so much analysis on the Middle Ages in class, I'm seeing elements of it popping up in modern society. Nostalgic rushes. I feel like I'm ten again, a queen in my own castle, searching for a dress to wear to the ball. I'm also sporting my secret courtly love, my black knight who is always in my heart.
But if anyone knew that this is how I lived day to day, a prisoner of my own imagination, what would they say? I fear I'll never grow up with an imagination like this.
Xx A Lonely Bard Marz
Ever since finishing that movie in class, I've put myself back into that dream world of mine. I remember when I was ten and lived in that castle room and how I always imagined my world around me as my medieval paradise. My house was a castle, shopping carts at the grocery store were carriages, cats were dragons, and the blankets and scarves I wrapped myself in were my regal princess dresses.
It's like a filter only I can see. And since we've been doing so much analysis on the Middle Ages in class, I'm seeing elements of it popping up in modern society. Nostalgic rushes. I feel like I'm ten again, a queen in my own castle, searching for a dress to wear to the ball. I'm also sporting my secret courtly love, my black knight who is always in my heart.
But if anyone knew that this is how I lived day to day, a prisoner of my own imagination, what would they say? I fear I'll never grow up with an imagination like this.
Xx A Lonely Bard Marz
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Monday, March 7, 2011
Porphyria's Love
The rain set early in tonight,
The sullen wind was soon awake,
It tore the elm-tops down for spite,
and did its worst to vex the lake:
I listened with heart fit to break.
When glided in Porphyria; straight
She shut the cold out and the storm,
And kneeled and made the cheerless grate
Blaze up, and all the cottage warm;
Which done, she rose, and from her form
Withdrew the dripping cloak and shawl,
And laid her soiled gloves by, untied
Her hat and let the damp hair fall,
And, last, she sat down by my side
And called me. When no voice replied,
She put my arm about her waist,
And made her smooth white shoulder bare,
And all her yellow hair displaced,
And, stooping, made my cheek lie there,
And spread, o’er all, her yellow hair,
Murmuring how she loved me—she
Too weak, for all her heart’s endeavor,
To set its struggling passion free
From pride, and vainer ties dissever,
And give herself to me forever.
But passion sometimes would prevail,
Nor could tonight’s gay feast restrain
A sudden thought of one so pale
For love of her, and all in vain:
So, she was come through wind and rain.
Be sure I looked up at her eyes
Happy and proud; at last I knew
Porphyria worshiped me: surprise
Made my heart swell, and still it grew
While I debated what to do.
That moment she was mine, mine, fair,
Perfectly pure and good: I found
A thing to do, and all her hair
In one long yellow string I wound
Three times her little throat around,
And strangled her. No pain felt she;
I am quite sure she felt no pain.
As a shut bud that holds a bee,
I warily oped her lids: again
Laughed the blue eyes without a stain.
And I untightened next the tress
About her neck; her cheek once more
Blushed bright beneath my burning kiss:
I propped her head up as before
Only, this time my shoulder bore
Her head, which droops upon it still:
The smiling rosy little head,
So glad it has its utmost will,
That all it scorned at once is fled,
And I, its love, am gained instead!
Porphyria’s love: she guessed not how
Her darling one wish would be heard.
And thus we sit together now,
And all night long we have not stirred,
And yet God has not said a word!
Reading that poem while listening to Shane McDonnell's "Evenstar" was truly one of the most magical moments of my life.
xx You Whisper In My Silent Sleep Marz
The sullen wind was soon awake,
It tore the elm-tops down for spite,
and did its worst to vex the lake:
I listened with heart fit to break.
When glided in Porphyria; straight
She shut the cold out and the storm,
And kneeled and made the cheerless grate
Blaze up, and all the cottage warm;
Which done, she rose, and from her form
Withdrew the dripping cloak and shawl,
And laid her soiled gloves by, untied
Her hat and let the damp hair fall,
And, last, she sat down by my side
And called me. When no voice replied,
She put my arm about her waist,
And made her smooth white shoulder bare,
And all her yellow hair displaced,
And, stooping, made my cheek lie there,
And spread, o’er all, her yellow hair,
Murmuring how she loved me—she
Too weak, for all her heart’s endeavor,
To set its struggling passion free
From pride, and vainer ties dissever,
And give herself to me forever.
But passion sometimes would prevail,
Nor could tonight’s gay feast restrain
A sudden thought of one so pale
For love of her, and all in vain:
So, she was come through wind and rain.
Be sure I looked up at her eyes
Happy and proud; at last I knew
Porphyria worshiped me: surprise
Made my heart swell, and still it grew
While I debated what to do.
That moment she was mine, mine, fair,
Perfectly pure and good: I found
A thing to do, and all her hair
In one long yellow string I wound
Three times her little throat around,
And strangled her. No pain felt she;
I am quite sure she felt no pain.
As a shut bud that holds a bee,
I warily oped her lids: again
Laughed the blue eyes without a stain.
And I untightened next the tress
About her neck; her cheek once more
Blushed bright beneath my burning kiss:
I propped her head up as before
Only, this time my shoulder bore
Her head, which droops upon it still:
The smiling rosy little head,
So glad it has its utmost will,
That all it scorned at once is fled,
And I, its love, am gained instead!
Porphyria’s love: she guessed not how
Her darling one wish would be heard.
And thus we sit together now,
And all night long we have not stirred,
And yet God has not said a word!
Reading that poem while listening to Shane McDonnell's "Evenstar" was truly one of the most magical moments of my life.
xx You Whisper In My Silent Sleep Marz
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Maybe I'm Trying Too Hard
Ever since reading the first book in the Vampire Academy series, I've always felt like this was a series I could connect to. I mean, as an author, one of the most important things is to create characters that readers can relate to. And if there was any character I ever felt close to, it was Rose Hathaway.
We were tough seventeen year old girls. We had long, wavy dark hair and a snarky attitude. We had a penchant for speaking our minds and being bad at holding our tongues. We fell in love with guys seven years older than us and kept it a secret. We craved adventure. We found ourselves taking on more things than we could handle. We were prone to taking bruises and known for arguing with our elders. I dunno, I found it odd that this character was so me. Or maybe I was becoming her? It's hard to tell.
I took Emma for a run today and it was really nice :) Ran down to the cemetery, turned around, then took a looping path all around the neighborhood until we got home. I'm beat :P I finally logged onto dA and found that comments and faves on my Raven costume popped! Always a nice feeling to see my hard work and craftiness appreciated.
Blehhhh, time to go get ready for work. No fun, I want to sit around and do nothing :( I played some Sonic Battle Adventure 2 this morning and decided to raise a new Chao, my shiny light blue fella named Belikov (I'm such a fangirl). We'll see what I can do with him. Ara's still alive... but for how much longer?!
xx Every Breath I Take Brings Me Closer To Forever, To You Marz
We were tough seventeen year old girls. We had long, wavy dark hair and a snarky attitude. We had a penchant for speaking our minds and being bad at holding our tongues. We fell in love with guys seven years older than us and kept it a secret. We craved adventure. We found ourselves taking on more things than we could handle. We were prone to taking bruises and known for arguing with our elders. I dunno, I found it odd that this character was so me. Or maybe I was becoming her? It's hard to tell.
I took Emma for a run today and it was really nice :) Ran down to the cemetery, turned around, then took a looping path all around the neighborhood until we got home. I'm beat :P I finally logged onto dA and found that comments and faves on my Raven costume popped! Always a nice feeling to see my hard work and craftiness appreciated.
Blehhhh, time to go get ready for work. No fun, I want to sit around and do nothing :( I played some Sonic Battle Adventure 2 this morning and decided to raise a new Chao, my shiny light blue fella named Belikov (I'm such a fangirl). We'll see what I can do with him. Ara's still alive... but for how much longer?!
xx Every Breath I Take Brings Me Closer To Forever, To You Marz
GODDAMN PERFUME
So I always keep my double ended Kat Von D perfume rollerball in my purse. Today I went to grab it and the Sinner side popped out and leaked half the liquid out! Goddammit! I love the Sinner smell the best! I always wear it on... Special occassions ;) I want to buy the full size bottle of the spray perfume, but... Not now, maybe when I find the funds after prom!
Work tonight was alright. Victor and I went to Ihop after and sat in "the booth" and had our fave server from last time! She's cool. Got my cheesecake pancakes and she made the whip cream look like a smily face :) That made my night! I'm really sad that Victor's gonna miss graduation for drum corps and that these are the last few months we can see each other before he moves to California. Goddamn I'll miss that kid... We have so much fun together. Hard to imagine I used to hate him!
I've come to realize something. I think I'm at a point in my life when... I want to be mature. Like, not saying I wasn't before, but I'm more serious now. Maybe that's why Sarah bothers me, because she's always trying to be goofy and cute and mildly childish... Soooo jejune. I dunno, I just want to be seen as an adult. Someone who's got their shit together and works hard and does well. I'm short and I'm a girl. Two things that set me back from seeming in power and older.
I always wanted to impress the older people in my life. Mostly Annie, because she was my sister and I thought she was the coolest thing ever. Of course, being thirteen years younger meant I'd never really catch up, but I tried. I listened to her music, watched her movies, always took her old shirts she didn't want... I still do that today. I still wear her shirts, listen to her music, collect Dunnies with her, and more.
I forgot where I was going with this. Wow, I'm even tearing up just thinking about her... I miss her a lot. I guess my original point is that I've always wanted to grow up and be a person. Be accepted. Be an adult.
Xx Tiny Motorcars With Eyeglasses Full Of Stars Marz
Work tonight was alright. Victor and I went to Ihop after and sat in "the booth" and had our fave server from last time! She's cool. Got my cheesecake pancakes and she made the whip cream look like a smily face :) That made my night! I'm really sad that Victor's gonna miss graduation for drum corps and that these are the last few months we can see each other before he moves to California. Goddamn I'll miss that kid... We have so much fun together. Hard to imagine I used to hate him!
I've come to realize something. I think I'm at a point in my life when... I want to be mature. Like, not saying I wasn't before, but I'm more serious now. Maybe that's why Sarah bothers me, because she's always trying to be goofy and cute and mildly childish... Soooo jejune. I dunno, I just want to be seen as an adult. Someone who's got their shit together and works hard and does well. I'm short and I'm a girl. Two things that set me back from seeming in power and older.
I always wanted to impress the older people in my life. Mostly Annie, because she was my sister and I thought she was the coolest thing ever. Of course, being thirteen years younger meant I'd never really catch up, but I tried. I listened to her music, watched her movies, always took her old shirts she didn't want... I still do that today. I still wear her shirts, listen to her music, collect Dunnies with her, and more.
I forgot where I was going with this. Wow, I'm even tearing up just thinking about her... I miss her a lot. I guess my original point is that I've always wanted to grow up and be a person. Be accepted. Be an adult.
Xx Tiny Motorcars With Eyeglasses Full Of Stars Marz
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
I Just Realized
Today was a big day in my life. I got my college acceptance letter and was really excited for the next chunk of my life.
Too bad no one was home to celebrate with.
Xx She Walks Alone But Not Without Her Name Marz
Too bad no one was home to celebrate with.
Xx She Walks Alone But Not Without Her Name Marz
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Content At Last
I'm laying in bed, wearing Victor's sweats (OH MY GOD THESE ARE SO COMFY), talking to my favorite guy, and just finished Spirit Bound. I'm feeling pretty content indeed.
Today was fun. Went to breakfast with Heather, Jamie and then got to school before 12:30. What I wasn't expecting was to see two ex boyfriends chatting in the same circle of friends right next to my little circle... Weird. Then English was just us watching Groundhog Day, and tomorrow we'll watch A Knight's Tale.
Then after school Victor and I went to the Shops at Legacy to get smoothies and hang out. We went shopping and I realized that Urban Outfitters is for hipsters. Then we went to work to get cheap dinner before practice and he made me drive him back to school in his car! It was trippy... I'm a good driver.
But I left my shorts in my car at the top of the hill and so Victor gave me his sweatpants he was hoarding in the guard room/his closet. And then another Willie night from hell...
But I'm satisfied right now :) I need to read more Vampire Academy! Last book!
xx Would You Like To Rape My Burning Carcass Marz
Today was fun. Went to breakfast with Heather, Jamie and then got to school before 12:30. What I wasn't expecting was to see two ex boyfriends chatting in the same circle of friends right next to my little circle... Weird. Then English was just us watching Groundhog Day, and tomorrow we'll watch A Knight's Tale.
Then after school Victor and I went to the Shops at Legacy to get smoothies and hang out. We went shopping and I realized that Urban Outfitters is for hipsters. Then we went to work to get cheap dinner before practice and he made me drive him back to school in his car! It was trippy... I'm a good driver.
But I left my shorts in my car at the top of the hill and so Victor gave me his sweatpants he was hoarding in the guard room/his closet. And then another Willie night from hell...
But I'm satisfied right now :) I need to read more Vampire Academy! Last book!
xx Would You Like To Rape My Burning Carcass Marz
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7
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