I Hate Being Off The Pills.

Bad things happen. I get stressed. I get irritated. I get wildly passionate. I cry. I have no patience. Thing's dont happen that should. Time's a bitch.

Whatevs. Streeessssss. Today's the end of economics. In approxamitely 46 minutes, the class is over for good! Awesome sauce. I'm so done with that. Now I just have my glossary terms to do about Dorian Gray and twelve more forum posts. I can't believe I wrote about Paula Deen, Charlie Sheen, Faust VIII, and meat dresses all for English class... like a boss.

Heather's a bitch. Now she wants the Ariel dress. RACE TO GET MARRIED. CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. I'll look better in it anyways... I have curves... Speaking of dresses, I think I'm going to take a sewing class so I can make me a badass costume for the next time I go to Scarborough. Italian Renn for sure, like this...


Oh Ever After, you're one of my favorite movies <3 I love that dress design in a different color definitely. And without the wings. Oh yes, that will be the inspiration.

I dream too big sometimes. I mean, it's not that my dreams are unrealistic (Which they are, honestly), but they don't fit. Good God, I'm 18, yet I still dream of castles and fairy tale endings? Is that bad that there's a part of my mind that never grew up, but turned into a black pit of all the things I've read in books and seen in movies? How jejune.

Oh well. We got yearbooks today... and they're literally yearbooks. Two books you get, one a senior one full of the seniors and senior ads, and the other is the regular yearbook minus all things senior. Wow, they left out the NAHS photo AGAIN. And I was in the front posing, too :( I looked at my yearbook picture and normally I'm happy with my pictures and don't freak outa bout them, but Jesus. That was when I got my hair drastically layered and it looked like a mess. Not to mention I have an odd smile... that's why I always smile with an open mouth and excited expression in most pictures :P Oh well, at least it looks better than others. Mom and Annie picked weird pictures for my ad, though. A Raven picture, two young pictures, and the one of me in my bathroom? Weird. Oh well, I has my first and last high school yearbook now.

xx We All Know What Memories May Bring: They Bring Diamonds And Rust Marz

In Front Of Me Right Now

A chromatic tuner.
Nail clippers.
A scientific calculator.
Stamps.
Hamburger phone.
Wires.
A Rearing Unicorn.

xx A Lapdance Is So Much Better When The Stripper Is Crying Marz

Why Am I Still Grumpy?

Jesus. Today was going fine until we got to guard and were doing the nominating for band banquet awards... and I'm not a candidate for most creative? Seriously? Lisa is, but not me? I'm a far better artist than her and did a shit ton of designing for the band and guard over the past four years! I DESIGNED THE BAND'S GODDAMNED SHOW SHIRT. I don't know why it made me so mad, because really, I don't need to walk up on the stage in front of everyone just to grab an award from Sealy to feel good about myself. Whatever. And whoever nominated Anthony as most likely to be president must have been seriously high or something. Whatever.

I feel kinda bad for being snappy at Gavin this morning, but seriously, computers were meant for one person to use at a time. I don't need him manning the mouse while I'm trying to read and get information myself. Call me a control freak, but I don't need help in doing research because I'm not just looking for specific things, I'm looking for them and then understanding how they work and what they mean. And I don't need someone to tell me how to use Publisher, because I know what I'm doing and like doing things my way. And that asshat that wasn't even our group who sat next to me and just copied down all my research can go screw himself. Seriously. Am I walking around with a giant sign on my face that says "Go Ahead And Copy My Work!" ?

Gahhh. I've been having such a good (Alright, not *good*) week with no angry bouts, but today was just ughhh. It was also my last Friday of class, cause next week we're going to Six Flags. I wish I had time to paint, but I have so much to do tonight.

Maybe it's time to pull the tuner off the shelf...

xx Small And White, Clear And Bright, You Look Happy To See Me Marz

How To Make Your Life More Metal

Ha ha, I found this on Stumble today and it made me laugh :)

1. Air guitar on the train
2. Make your own bullet belt
3. Alphabetize your CD / Vinyl collection. Mine is alphabetized by the second letter of the artists name, because I’m special.
4. Organise your CD / Vinyl collection by sub-genre.
5. Tattoo album art onto your body
6. Draw tomato sauce pentagrams on top of pizza
7. Drive a tank
8. Go hunting
9. Go hunting with bow and arrow
10. Learn an instrument
11. Attend Wacken
12. Drink from a horn
13. Be constantly broke
14. Yell “Play some Slayeeeeeer” at concerts. Every concert. Yes, even the Symphony.
15. write in runes
16. death growl your wedding vows
17. sign your name in virgin’s blood
18. quote Nietzche at inappropriate moments
19. quote Manowar during sex
20. add a metal umlaut to your name
21. plan the playlist for your funeral.
22. Name your health insurance policy “Metal Health”
23. Own a sword
24. live the maxin ‘combat boots go with everything”.
25. Cover all your clothing with patches …
26. … including your underwear
27. Buy a copy of Dawn of Black Hearts with Dead’s dead body on the cover for a ridiculously inflated price.
28. Name your children after Cannibal Corpse songs
29. Name your cat after a demon of hell
30. chop your wood with a battleaxe
31. Work the words tr00, kvlt, krieg, grymm, evil and nekro into your daily vocabulary
32. headbang during sex
33. design your own illegible “black metal” signature to sign important documents with
34. save your ticket stubs in a photo album, alongside guitar picks and drumstick remnants tossed from the metal gods.
35. put your old underground black metal bootlegged cassette tapes on ebay for $500 apiece.
36. Spend the proceeds on beer.
37. eat steak at every meal
38. silence is golden, but blastbeats are better.
39. have a side project
40. use \m/ in all email correspondence
41. read this, and giggle.
42. Be yourself and to hell with what everyone else thinks.

xx Raise Me Up Into The Light Marz

Such A Nice Day

I wish I understood more of the synesthesia now that I think I'm uncovering some new level of it. When I saw him again and experieced that first bout of togetherness, I saw gold. So much gold, so soft, so bright and glowing. It was really amazing.

It was a nice day to kick back and relax, although it did set me back. I only finished two essays tonight and have to write another and take my test during guard, now that I know the school WEP code. Exxxxxcellent. Gotta get shit done! So much shit.

What else... I realized I've missed three weeks of Wedding Sundays on WE. Wow, that's so not like me! I'm being brainwashed by school to reject my feminine vices and study more ;P Speaking of women, we're watching Sense and Sensibility in English. Jane Austen was so boring with her stories :/ They're all the same and all so blahh. Too much estrogen.

I feel like I'm getting way ahead of myself. I dream too big sometimes and have such vast plans for the future that are in no way set in stone... it's not good. Maybe I need to calm down. Focus on school. I want a cool job with Google or Crayola or some kind of crazy place like that. Even if it's a cool office job, I'm game! Although working from home is ideal ;P Ahhh, imagine the day!

xx Every Wish Would Be Granted For Me If I Could Be Queen For A Day Marz

Spring Trip

Was so fun :) I'm exhausted and don't feel like writing it all out, but it was really fun.

So Mawmaw died Friday and we left for the funeral today at 5:30 am. It was odd being front and center to the casket... it was odd seeing her, frankly. What weirded me out the most was the glossy glaze of chemicals on her lips and how the funeral director picked up her hand to put her rings on her fingers like it was nothing! Odd. Yeah it was sad, but hey, it's for the better cause she's been doing horribly lately.

On the plus, she told mom that she wanted me to have some of her jewelry. She and I both have tiny fingers, so I took four rings and a big broach. One ring was gold with a huge pear shaped aquamarine, which mom thought was nice since it's my birthstone. Another was gold and modern looking with a dark red oval garnet. There was a gold ring with what Aunt Murray thinks is a green peridot in a cool angled square setting and I wore it to the funeral. The last one was a really dirty looking silver ring with what we think are amethysts and some clear stones. Mom thought I'd like it cause it looks goth Medieval.

It was tough picking rings cause when it comes to nice ones like that, I'm mildly picky :P Gold isn't my thing... and neither are plain, simple settings. I like asymmetry, I like ornate, I like unique. I like antique. I'm not huge on squares unless there's something to offset it. I dunno, I spent way too much of my childhood learning about gems and cuts and jewelry. Once a nerd, always a nerd.

On the plus, I found a dorm mate :) This is epic!

xx Go On And Kiss The Girl Marz

Another Realization

My mom never has anything nice to say.

Like today: Look mom, my future wedding dress.
"Oh, you'll hate it in a few years and you won't be able to find it."

I colored my hair today!
"Why that color? It's so bright and I don't like it."

Look mom, I love this prom dress.
"How much? Two hundred? Outrageous."

Wow mom, I saved myself a lot of time after finding some art at school.
"Well now since you have so much time, you can spend it doing homework and not running around with your friends!"

Look at what I painted today!
"Oh, it's out of proportion. Her nose is too big."

Well it's no wonder why I don't have low self esteem. I don't get it. She's never said anything nice about anything I do. It's like, she always turns to the negative and never says a simple "good job" or "wow". I just get shitty attitude and rudeness. It's hard telling her about my day when she interupts me frequently to criticize or say something completely unrelated.

It's fine, I don't need her support. I'm not looking for a sign of praise or niceness anymore. I'm used to being on my own and just having to please myself. If I forget that the world exists, I forget how shitty people can be. Good God, I'm in tears again.

I wish I had a mom.

xx When You're Sad And No One Knows It, I'll Send You Black Roses Marz

I Feel Like Something's Up

Something in the universe is happening... I can't put my finger on it, but something seems odd and out of place. I feel like I'm anticipating something, but I have no idea who or what it might be. This is... weird.

I saw it again today. I saw it and got instantly green, but quickly adverted my eyes and took deep breaths. No, no, no. I can't distract myself. There are more important things.

Anyways, I dunno. I'm stressing out about economics because time is seriously ticking and I have a lot left to do. Hopefully I can knock out a good bit tomorrow and Thursday during class and after school tomorrow before/after I pack. I'd like to be done with unit six and seven by Thursday that was I can work on my final project and exam when I get back.

Oh the plus, I went shopping today and got a $20 swim suit for under $9. Hell yes. It's like a weird lame` material... I think it might be too risque for the trip. I now own three black swim suits, hoorah! I either need to tell Mr and Mrs. Anderson about my tattoo and beg that they don't tell dad or just hide my shame. Heather and I both have shame to hide, ha ha. Sometimes I wish dad's co-worker wasn't also a band parent because it makes things tricky for me :P

I bought Mrs. K a set of Vera Bradley note cards and envelopes for teacher appreciation week, so hopefully she likes it. Classy correspondence never goes out of style. I chose the black and white print, my favorite one next to the grey and black and green print. I <3 Vera Bradley. I also realized that she's a teacher I really appreciate because she was my first art teacher and lit too many fires under my ass to count. So... she deserves something nice.

Ugh, it's late and I need to shower and get to sleep. I haven't been eating dinner lately and it's starting to mess with me. I'm going to die if I don't stop inhaling so much caffeine or eat meals. There's no time for eating when I can just work through it all.

xx You Were Mine Until The End Of Time Marz

Comfy Day/IDGAF Day

Given the disgustingly horrid state of my face as of late, I'm declaring the rest of the week as a comfy week. Starting tomorrow. I don't know what it is about my Dimmu Borgir shirt, but it's soooo soft. It might be from my multiple attempts to shrink it with heat, which did nothing :P That shirt is kicking off comfy week and making a statement. Yuhhhh. Maybe I'll wear my J Wall shirt and Beatles shirt... those are also very comfy and soft.

I'm so worried about my shirts getting ruined if I put them in the dryer :P Plus I like my shirts all hung up in the closet nice and neat, even if that means air drying them and causing the stiffness. I hate folded up t shirts because when you wear them, you see folds! Not cute!

Ohhh my God. I've been listening to Symfonia's "Alayna" and "Don't Let It Go" allllll night. The songs sound really similar, but so beautiful nonetheless. I looooove Symfonia's dynamic use of accidentals :) I just love Symfonia! They were such a lucky find.

xx Our Souls Were Light As I Held You In My Arms So Tight Marz

Oh Parents.

I feel like a child at Christmas right now, the way I'm laying on the floor upstairs and eavesdropping on the parents. Talk of divorce, money, houses, medications, and choices echo through the house. Dad, how many times have you reached for that bottle? Mom, when will you stop acting like a child?

They're talking about splitting items in the house and who gets what. Dad wants lists, mom wants to harp on and on about what things mean to her. What to do with the pots and pans, the TV, the drapes and the bed? Maybe I want some things... oh well, they never bring up anything to me. Whatever.

I don't know where I'm going with this. My parents have seriously led me to believe that love doesn't exist. My dad mostly. He's so continental, so cosmopolitan, so clever and so closed. If anyone, he's painted the perfect picture of a man. Lies, cheats, argues, bad choices, vices, ugh. No wonder I have trust issues.

Luckily I found someone to change my outlook on life and remind me that love and happiness can exist and me true. I don't have to worry anymore. I just have to keep looking forward, forget all of this bullshit, and have my happily ever after.

xx Through The Mist, Through The Woods Marz

I Feel Awful.

God. So I sat down with mom and dad to work on my announcements that should have really been done a month ago, only to find out that I didn't order stupid name cards and now they have to be custom made and shipped and I don't know when they'll get here. Everyone's mad at me now...

Well shit. I didn't know what a proper announcement was supposed to look like! Maybe if mom helped me out like, a month or two ago instead of waiting til the last minute, we wouldn't have this problem. Oh, and she expected me to go have picture sprinted for the cards. But she doesn't like the picture because I'm not smiling enough and I'm "slouching". WELL SHIT MOM, IT'S CALLED ARTISTIC POSE. Oh my God, it's neverending! I did nothing right. Nothing is done or ready or right. And they blame me.

Aren't parents supposed to be involved and care for graduation? Dad I can understand because he pays for things, but mom, seriously, she just sits on her ass and watches Oprah and works three days a week. And she seriously expects me to make time to do everything else school related. "WELL YOU SHOULDN'T GO OUT WITH VICTOR AND HEATHER AFTER SCHOOL." Mom, I don't have a life! I go to school and work and stay up late doing homework. Denying me my one bit of social time is cruel.

I feel like a failure. Nothing I do it right for them, right enough, nice enough looking, up to their ideals and standards. Nothing is ever on time, done soon enough, done fast enough, or anything. Dad wasn't even impressed when I showed him how I was taking initiative to take control of my spending and money. He just nodded and went back to his golf game on TV.

Goddammit. Dinner's in a few minutes and I'm in tears.

xx Always Dangerous, She Got Me Down On My Knees Marz

Nightly Ritual

I don't think I've ever brushed my teeth AND did mouthwash AND flossed AND wore my retainer all in the same night. Usually it's only like one or two... how weird. This whole strengthening my teeth to fight the sensitivity is intense, cause I really want to be able to eat my favorite foods again and I don't want those lesions to get too deep. And I noticed the gaps and awkward angles in my front four upper teeth, so I'm gonna start wearing my retainer once a week like I was originally perscribed and not once every four months. I might as well fix these things while I'm young.

God. I started a mint.com account today in efforts to start seriously budgeting my money and seeing where I'm blowing most funds. I hope it helps me, especially since I have an app for it, too, and it lets me see my bank info. I like how online it has pie charts and bar graphs to show and compare my month to month spending and budgeting :) I guess I realized that yeah, I'm growing up and need to start seriously being smarter with my money because I'm gonna have to start supporting myself here soon. I'm hoping that I can cut college costs so that I have fund money left over in four years that will go into my pocket :)

It's scary. I'm really starting to understand the severity of growing up. I've got things to learn, people to impress, myself to prove, and goals to achieve. I want to get through college, find a nice job that I enjoy, and be happy in love. That's really all I need.

xx And You Were Standing On Top Of Tip Toes Marz

OH. MY. GOD.

I know it's a day early for me to be going all fairy tale girly princess wedding trash, but OH MY GOD.

ALFRED ANGELO MADE A DISNEY PRINCESS LINE. This is... wow. Oh my God. I'm in love. Looks inspired by Belle, Ariel, Cinderella, Aurora, Snow White, Jasmine, and Tiana were released last October and I'm just now finding out about this?! BLASPHEMY.

The first one I looked at was Belle's, of course, but it didn't do anything for me. Too plain and traditional. Next favorite was Aurora, but I hated the skirt. I'm not just a ballgown person. Ariel's, however, is a fishtail (Lolsauce, go figure) and my absolute favorite wedding silhouette. I think... I think that this is my dream dress, ha ha. It's a fishtail that opens up gracefully and with great fluidity. The seamless pickups at the knees flow perfectly down to the scalloped hem. The ruching on the upper half is very flattering and unique and eye-catching. Not to mention a show-stopping semi-cathedral train, oh so romantic!

I saw some pictures of it on some brides in the fitting room and I wasn't too impressed with it on their lumberjack figures, ha ha. Ahhhhhh a girl can dream! It's somewhere between $1000 and $1400, so I better start saving up ;)

I think I have a problem. Do they have rehab for fashion addicts?

xx Go Write A Song About Your Dream Of Horses Marz

Wow, This Is Intense.

I feel so... sad. So empty, so quiet, so distant, so drab. I realized that it's Friday night and... I don't get to drive to Dallas. I actually kept my phone in the drawer because I had no need for it.

I miss him. I miss him so bad that I'd do anything to have him back home sooner. I keep indulging myself in and around things that remind me of him and bring a little bit of comfort, but it's not the same. Is this the result of clinginess and mild obsession? God. I can't wait for a call.

xx You Can See Me Through Different Eyes Marz

Poetry Of The Sleepless

Not Saying I Never Felt It Before

But I've never felt so beautiful in my life. Inside and out. Finally, I'm not some nobody in a huge school anymore. I'm someone's world, someone's girl, someone's support, and someone's love. It's a nice feeling knowing that just as I always tote around such strong emotions, someone else out there has just as many. Call me selfish, but I love knowing that those emotions are for me. Makes me feel special and unique and lucky. Lucky because I've got more than most people. Is it unorthodox? Perhaps. But that doesn't matter. What does matter is that although my years are short in comparison to others, I'm the happiest I've ever been. I've never felt so much love, support, comfort, stability, humor, care, or connection before. Finally, I'm on my way to my happily ever after.

xx Your Eyes Were Bluer Than Robin's Eggs Marz

Yay Eric :)

New song! ET sounds soooooo good on guitar like that :) Beautiful beautiful job. However, I've lost a bit of respect because he also covered the "Friday" song. Like an ass. Oh well, he's still my fabulous Youtube hero. And his little winks before songs!

Nice lazy Monday. Learned about slaughtering animals, told funny stories and read memes, and bullshitted with a half empty English class before going to the dentist and getting yelled at for not flossing. Like, legit yelled at! Then I bummed around and watched the royal wedding finally, all the way to the kiss on balcony. There's still an hour left of recorded material, not sure what it is, probably more interviews and stuff.

I want to visit Westminster Abbey someday. It's like, one of my favorite cathedrals in the world and it's just so... amazing. Beautiful. Intimidating. I'd probably start crying out of joy if I was ever in there. So old and romantic and the colors! So many colors and intricate stonework. Ahhhhhhhhhhh I could go on about it forever <33333

So I got home from "work" and dad went baaaaaalistic over my hair. He thought I was dying it back to its natural brown and hated the red, even though he saw it yesterday and liked it. So purple for prom is ok, but red for graduation is blasphemy? I don't get it. He's all pissy. Him and mom both. I hate it here, all they do is argue and bitch and throw me around in it. It's so annoying.

Whatever. College and freedom is getting closer. Soon I'll have a place of my own (Even if I have to share with a roommate) without any parental arguing or reprimanding, plus I'll have my favorite home away from home with my kitty and man. I'm staying optimistic! I can get through this! Fraaaagghhhh!

xx Down With The Sun Marz

I Have A Problem.

I realized it especially today.

I have extreme difficulty in acknowledging special days, such as birthdays and Mother's Day and Christmas. It's really hard for me to simply say "Happy Birthday!" to someone... and I have no idea why. It feels awkward. Kinda like how it's tough for me to call people by their names if I'm speaking directly to them.

I wish I knew why. Maybe I have some sort of paranoia about abnormal things that aren't typical. I feel sort of odd sometimes, short of words and fumbling. There's actually a few words I have trouble saying, not that they're bad words or anything, just words that never come out right.

When I go through my phone book and scroll past that psychiatrist's name, I always get the urge to call to set up an appointment. I'd like answers. I'd like to talk. But I'm too scared.

xx The Ray Of Night Embraces My Mind Marz

Damn You, Kat Von D.

Damn you for making amazingly formulated eyeshadow palettes that are highly pigmented, smooth, and cheap. Damn you for coming out with a new palette. And damn you Sephora, for putting the Kat section right by the door to entice me to come in and look every time I go to Willowbend.

New white palette, Angeles. Pretty summery colors. Then there's the older palette Ludwig that has a nice spectrum of browns and some nice looking greens compared to the one in my Memento Mori palette. Again with the Lucifer color :P I'll never run out of black... I think I have two palettes with Lucifer in it. Cool beans! Too bad I prefer Tequila over Lucifer! And the last palette, Adora, is so cool. TOO BAD IT'S DISCONTINUED. I regret not buying it. I forgot how much I love doing greys and silvers :(

I'm done being a girl now.

xx Flying All Across The Highlands Marz

Fashion

What is my style? I'm not so sure. I've always been a huge fan of, well, black. Mostly tour shirts or band shirts I picked up here and there... I think I counted and I have thirteen. Dang. But then I went through a Sinful/Primeval phase, and after that sort of a stylish solid tunic phase.

Now I'm a mix.

One day sweats, the next a skirt and nice top, the next ratty jeans and a band shirt, the next nice jeans and Sinful shirt, and Friday is who knows.

My style icons have never let me down :P I've looked to Criss Angel, Anette Olzon, and Tuomas Holopainen for different reasons. Criss wears Affliction which has a female line, Sinful, and I just love that tattooish looking art. Elegant but grungey. Anette obviously because she is a girl and I love her dark rocker girl style while still being feminine and classy. Shoot, she got me into coloring my hair purple! And she has nice pants that I want so bad (LIKE BELOW.). And Tuomas has the perfect grungey artist look that I adore! He also has epic pants like Anette... and Criss has some, too! SHIT I WANT SOME.


I'm such a girl.

xx Just One Look Into Your Eyes Marz

It's Been A While.

Hellllo blog. Did you miss me while I was off being a domestic house girl and spending my days and nights slaving away in the kitchen in the very able arms of my fantastic boyfriend?

I thought so.

Now that the parents are home/coming home, I suppose life must resume. Laaaaame, if you ask me. I much prefered running my life on my schedule with my permission and my company of choice. Much more fun :)

Anyways. Gonna go get my hair done red today. Just a PM Shine, though, cause I want the color to fade for graduation back to blonde. It's really growing on me... customers like it :) Hair and then work tonight, lame. Gotta make that bank, though, and I feel like this paycheck will be awesome :) This is good, very good! I think after hair and gas, I'll have over a hundred in there, and if I can make it to the paycheck, I can just watch it grow. No more of this under a hundred nonsense. I need to grow up, dammit!

xx And When We Drink, We Drink Together, Not Alone Marz