Sing what You Can't Say, Forget What You Can't Play

Is one of my favorite quotes ever :) It's from the song 'Dead Boy's Poem' by Nightwish, which is the song I always listen to before I get off the bus for winterguard and marching band contests. It's my luck song!

See, if I wore my black dress today, it would have been a bit surreal. I knew exactly what would happen, and hot dog, I was right. So yay for not dressing up :P Today was such a lazy day, really...

OH MY GOSH. Mrs. K looked at my painting and said "Oh, you need to throw in another hat up there in the corner." Reluctantly, I painted in an imaginary hat in the white space up in the corner of the board, just like she told me to. I liked it just fine before... oh well. So then I take it up to her and she starts ranting about how my skills are in observation and my stuff looks so much better when I paint real things versus things out of my mind. But... the things in my mind are the things I want to paint. I want to paint Marko, Innocence, Cadence, Ara Grey, and all the other characters in my mind. I'll paint Davin and Janet dancing and Lauri IN THE SHADOWS (Ha ha, I just made a Rasmus reference about the singer of the band!) and more. I'll paint the heartless angel and all the other byproducts of my emotions. Not still lifes :|

So I spent the last few hours ripping audio off of YouTube videos. I took tracks of Anette singing Tarja songs and random people's piano covers of The Rasmus and Nightwish. Then, because I'm anal, I made album art for each one. They're all really crappy, but I had to do something fast. I quite like the Nightwish one... the background was tough to make (YES, I HAND MADE THAT STONE! It's hard...), but the gradient looks fab :) I'm such a beast.

xx Bring Me Home Or Leave Me Be, My Love In The Dark Cry Of The Night Marz

Who Is He?

Jamie and I were sitting in the cafeteria after school and a guy walked across the room a bit of a ways away from us. I've seen him before. He's tallish, with dark brownish black hair that has a long and cute emo flip to it. But he has a youthful face, somewhat timid, and dresses very stylishly. Kind of retro, but stylish nonetheless. Jamie thinks he's a sophomore, but I don't know. I think I saw him in an art room once. I must find out who he is, because for some reason, he fascinates me.

And then there's art class. I can't help but think that Graham is looking at me, but it's because I'm right behind the still life and he has no choice. Ha ha, and he's dating whats-her-face. There's that ginger guy, but there's nothing there. At least, not that I know of. See, I could never love an artist because artists are so quiet and all over the place. Ha ha, fail.

And when is that senior guy coming back to therapy? I think his name was Shawn. I'd like to introduce myself to him. I want to meet new people and gain some confidence, because that's a problem I feel that will haunt me for a long time. I hate how everyone knows everyone and I don't know anyone, or I know them, but they don't remember me. Like Joey. I fondly remember lots of instances from elementary school between us, but I wonder if he remembers me. He knows my name, at least.

Boys boys boys. I'm writing a certain boy a letter tonight. I won't let our friendship fail because of some stupid boundaries and communication. I wonder what he'll think of it... write back, or hate me?

So I definitely walked to my car in the pouring rain, with jeans soaked up to my knees and toting soggy bags. But as I trekked, I sang me some old Britney Spears... Like, it just came out of nowhere: "Cause all I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right, be with you day and night! Baby all I need is time." The song is called 'Sometimes'.

xx Sail Away, It's Time To Leave; Rainy Days Are Yours To Keep Marz

I'm A Bad Daughter?

Apparently.

All I did was ask my dad to sign my spring trip paper and he starts yelling at me about how I'm so irresponsible and fail to do anything I'm told to do. And that I have to be told to do things in order for them to get done.

So not true.

So it was another night of crying and he guilted me about the trip. He signed the paper, but left me with a burdensome weight on my shoulders of disappointment and guilt about it. That I'm so lucky and always get what I want and blah blah blah. Well sure, but I don't ask for much. I could be way worse.

I dunno. I just feel so crappy and useless. I'm gonna go to bed and hopefully not stay up all night crying on it.

xx Salt, Sweat, Sugar On The Asphalt Marz

I SCREAMMMM...

Because I have nothing better to do in the car.

Freaking Baker thinks I hate people. Do not! I just don't like working with other people. I'm very proud of what good ideas I come up with, so I want all the credit. We have to make a brain book... Bahhh, this'll be hard. In art, I'm an overachiever and painted my values too hardcore... oh well. It's just the way I paint! I dive right in and go for the gold. I don't waste time on petty things like planning and value studies... bah!

Physics was gouda. Shelby and I are bonding and having fun, so it's not so bad. We talked about the hole Wes and Heather thing, and how awful it'd be if they broke up. Like, it's him we're worried about. We talked about that and college. Like, it never really hit me that once we graduate, friends that we've been with for years will go off to other schools and we will see them maybe a few times a year. That's tough. I'm not good at meeting new people, so I don't know how I'll fare in the really real world.

English sucked again cause Jamie ditched me. And I hate how when I don't speak in that class, I usually have a good idea of something to say, and then when I get called on, I say something crappy and lame. Bah. I called Jamie up after school so we could work on class stuff that I didn't feel like doing alone and we ended up telling jokes for a long time.

On a more serious and personal note, I was in the car today listening to Sarah Brightman's song 'Fleur Du Mal' (Flowers of Evil) and a few lines in, she goes "I've come to know that I miss your love, while I'm not missing you" and I think that's how I am. Like, I miss the feeling of love, of having something think about you and spend time with you and call you pretty, but I guess I don't miss him anymore. Like, it's really just wasted effort, anyways. And it's depressing, too, so I've given up the notion. I only wish him the best of luck in finding someone better who he can be happy with.

And I wish myself some luck, too. So there you have it: I've admitted it. Now you can stop feeling awkward around me.


xx But I Still Love To Wash In Your Old Bathwater, Love To Think That You Couldn't Love Another Marz

Another Monday...

And another reason why I hate therapy.

Seriously, waking up extra early on Mondays sucks. Oh well. Last night I downloaded some new music... Basshunter and Lady Gaga. Gaga because Bad Romance is fun to drive to and Basshunter because he's hot and because I like his music :) Very trippy techno/dance music that's always fun to dance to. Oh, and a little bit of Baracuda... Even though they totally stole Nightwish's 'Amaranth', their other songs are catchy and cute. Yay new music!

Other than techno and dance music, I've just been jammin out to dark romance themed tunes. Freaking Sarah Brightman sings about finding love again and always being there, while Krypteria and The Rasmus sing about heartache, loss, revenge, being lost, and most negative things about love. Good stuff.

I'm so mad. In art, we started a new project where we have to paint hats in black and white. Even today, when we were just doing preliminary sketches, I was already hating the project. I like fedoras, but drawing them sucks. I HATE still lifes. Why can't I paint from my head? Hats are meaningless to me. Paul Cezanne once said, "A work of art which did not being in emotion is not art." Amen, Mr. Cezanne. Hats inspire no emotion whatsoever from me except that I hate hats and I don't look good in them.

English was depressing without Jamie. I'm gonna die in the On-Circle because I hate arguing... bahhh. After school, Heather showed me the note she put on the boys bathroom by the gyms. It says 'Do Not Enter! The Chamber of Secrets Has Been Opened!' in her dumb girly handwriting. Then we went and posted a sign over the Room of Requirement right by the Latin room and messed with Mr. Magnanti's door/wall area. We're such beasts. Bunch of little rebels. Then I went through Friend Initiation again and we met up with Gingerkins to go to Fruitilicious, and then movie at Sarah's.

We watched a pirated copy of The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus. It was SUPER confusing, but Johnny Depp was hot in it, so it's ok. And they made Heath Ledger look JUST like Johnny... no joke, we totally believed it was Johnny until Sarah paused it and Heather noticed that it was definitely Mr. Ledger. Wowwwwww. Still not sure if I liked the movie, though.

THERE WAS A GIANT RING AROUND THE MOON. Awesome ice crystals in the upper atmosphere :)

xx Oh Baby Why Don't You See That All I Ever Wanted Was You And Me Marz

Busy Weekend D:

Alright! So Friday was average... I don't remember anything spectacular, except me and Jamie in English class (Come on, that was the most outrageous thing ever!). We painted the floor in the evening and it came out great! So much fun, especially since we installed new colorguard rules about singing songs: No singing group songs (2 or more people) unless they are from animated Disney movies or from the '90s. Best rule ever.

Then somehow Sarah and Heather came over to my house to get free food (Moochers.) and we ended up getting Slurpees and going on adventures. My God, Wes is so obnoxious! He totally jacked up our night. Whatever. Then we had a nice sleep over where apparently, I started snoring and as soon as Heather told me to shut up, I did. Amazing! We woke up, had breakfast, then went to practice.

Practice... rada rada rada... I did a lot of people's make up and then we got on the bus and went to Keller. We were probably one of the only guards that had costumes, make up, a painted floor, and flag silks, and man, did we make an impact! We looked like a creepy cult walking in, wearing our blue warm ups and black and white faces. I hung out with the guard as much as I could, and when I wasn't, I was doing floor crew. I hate those stupid sophomore boys. And I have to sit with them at lunch, too, so it's like, double hell. Dalton, Ballsack, Tyson, That one kid Jamie dated, Cyr's brother, and Derek. Not the best group. We had to get other floor crews toh elp us out because our guys are weak as balls. :|

But Hebron went on and BEASTED. We came in first place, which is unheard of! Brian wrote us 13th place shows, while Scott writes us 1st place shows :) So happy! We got a trophy and praise from lots of other schools. Alright!

Came home and crashed. Woke up today, got yelled at by dear old dad, and went out to get my art supplies. Shopping alone sucks. Came home, cleaned my bathrooms, and printed out J Wall's psych notes. I think I have a quest tomorrow, and an On-Circle in Engrish... balls.

So I rearranged my roses today. I have the large vase with my older roses, most of which I can't remember when they're from, and the smaller one I got last February. Three of the small red roses are from Anthony, three small white roses are from Forrest, and there's 4 large reddish yellow ones that I can't remember... Oh well. I finally arranged them so I can see them all and threw in some purple stratus to fill in the holes. I'm becoming my mother! D:

I love this band... they're called Krypteria. They sing about love, broken love, and revenge, but in a really powerful way. Like, listening to them makes me wanna go riding off into battle and slay a dragon.

xx Lost And Waiting For You, The One Who Once Betrayed Me, Only To Tell Me That Everything Will Be Fine Marz

When Was The Last Time You Cried?

We played that in Psychology today. Baker went around the room and asked each of us when the last time we cried was. Most of the girls cried because of stress... some answers were funny, some were sad, some lame, and some boring. So he gets to me.

"Two nights ago."
"Why?"
"Guy friend issues. Some stress, too."
"Did you kick him in the nuts? That usually gets guys to comply with the demands of a girl..."

Thank you, Baker. Wish I would have thought of that sooner. Then I went to art and pretty much finished my painting of Heather. It looks so cool for being so simple! I'm gonna do a series of Titans, so next'll probably be Sarah, then me last. Hopefully, I won't make it look gay :) I feel so weird being so far ahead... the other three kids are taking a really long time on it. I can't decide if I'm just naturally fast or if I was rushing and being sloppy. Ms. K liked my grungy textures and colors, and she never stopped me and told me to fix anything, so I suppose I'm good to go. Maybe I'll sketch tomorrow or something.

The rest of the day went by like normal. Dude! I totally went to sleep at 11 last night and woke up at 5 today. It was so trippy, because usually I don't get to sleep til 12 or 1, but the extra sleep was nice. I'mma try it again tonight, so I'll go to sleep after Ouran.

So I was watching My Life As Liz today and it was about her senior year Valentine's Day. A secret admirer (Who turned out to be a bunch of bitches just looking to screw with her) sent her a ton of carnations at school and she felt so loved and all. Plus she sat in front of this super cute boy in English class who TWICE I thought was her true secret admirer, but turns out to just be a... I dunno, friend looking to get friendlier. I wish I'd get a carnation on Valentine's Day... I've never gotten one from a boy.

I'll save the Thursday Analysis for tomorrow, since I'm gonna try and go to bed now.

xx You Think That You've Still Got My Heart On A String, Sweet Revenge Is Waiting In The Wings Marz

I Wonder Why There's Not Another Guy That She'd Prefer

Josie by Blink 182 is a great song... It's a good morning song :)

Last night I cried while trying to fall asleep. I just don't know what's going on anymore. Nothing's gone according to plan, things have been screwing up, I'm digging a deep hole for myself, and I'm just hopeless.

I don't know what I want in life.

Apparently, what I want, I can't have. What I dream of gets crushed. My classes are harder than ever and demand a lot more of me than I'm used to, which doesn't already add to every other stress I'm dealing with. I try to be a good person and stay true to myself, but it's not easy. The only time I'm not off depressed and brooding is while listening to Baker's lectures or working in art. Maybe I need all this extra work to distract me, to help me forgive and forget...

And when I look up from my computer, directly across from me on the far wall is a poster from Sweeney Todd. What's the movie slogan? 'Never Forget. Never Forgive.' I won't ever forget, no matter how hard I try. I remember everything and I keep reminders around me. Forgive? I don't know. I believe in second chances, but...

xx Damned and Divine Marz

Oh Spring Semester :)

Oh my gosh. If I ever meet fate in person, I'mma kick it in the face.

Went to therapy this morning... they said I'm improving a lot. I've built up a lot of strength and muscle! And abs. I'm glad I have a good figure...

Then I got to school. First class is AP Psych with Baker. I don't know anyone in that class... but Baker and I are getting off to a good start. I should hope so, since that doucher made me cry when I was five! That class will be fun and exciting, I'm sure.

Next is Independent Art Study! Along with about 7 other advanced students, we get to be our own little mini advanced group in the back of Mrs. Kudlicki's room. The other 20 something people are Art 2 kids that... aren't as good :) Ha ha. There's another Marissa in that class, which is annoying. I like being my own name. IT'S MIIIINEEEEEEEE. Ha ha. That'll be a fun class, except that I hate painting with other people. I hate the competition. Bahhh. Makes me feel less special.

Next is Physics! That teacher seems scary... but she gives us snack time during Channel One! So it's a fair trade, I suppose. It'll be ok, hopefully... Then I have D Lunch. It freakin sucks! I hate waiting that long to eat... I'm really grouchy and impatient.

Last is English! I get a Baker Sandwich... first Baker in the morning and then his sister in the afternoon. Awesome. So I walked into the room today and it was really full. The first thing I saw was Jamie before anything else. For some reason, I turned bright red. Then, after getting situated, I took a scan of the room and saw my peers. I tend to value English class higher above my other classes, so I like to get a feel of the class. Jamie picked crappy seats by some morons. Bahhh.

Oh my gosh, but we almost started crying during the whole Angelina Jolie argument between that douche and Anthony. "Well let's see your girlfriend!" BAHAHAHAA. Me and Jamie just looked at each other and busted out in a gigglefit. I managed to whisper to her "Or lack thereof!". Oh man, we'll have such fun in that class! I bet Ms. Edwards will get sick of us laughing about everything and having our private little conversations during tests. Ha ha!

Oh thank God I didn't stutter and shake again today. It went so smoothly and hey, I even got some gratitude out of it. I'm getting better at these confrontations... I even look forward to them.

xx Don't Wanna Hate You For My Mistakes, I Hate You For Everything Marz

I Died In My Dreams Reaching Out For Your Hand

My fatal desiiiireeeee!

Oh hey, so Sarah totally pulled a bitch move today.

"Today's me and Jason's 7 months!"
"Today would have been my year and a half."
"Doesn't matter for you anymore!"

Ouch.

And I just watched the episode of That '70s Show when Eric and Donna have "study breaks" that include dirty sexual deeds in the closet. I think fate is slapping me in the face again... I remember bringing up study breaks. Wow. Fate just REALLY wants to screw with me now.

xx This Happened Before, Can't Take It No More Marz

Ha ha! Downhill, Sucka!

Oh Adam! You've just further proven my theory right! Ha ha, I was totally right... what with the style, but what you said about the lack of excitement, I'm so convinced that something's going downhill! My God... I feel so accomplished! I feel like I actually did something that will leave an imprint of myself for once!

No one will understand it, I guess, except for Sarah and Adam, since they were there when it finally clicked. Oh well, it's ok. No one needs to understand! Wow, I feel like I'm turning into Faust when he cut open Manta's chest. He kind of started rambling about random things... very manic and crazy! Ha! Oh man...!

I finally got Sarah's Christmas present in the mail... a 6 foot tall Snape cutout! I called her mom and told her I was bringing it over, then I made sure Sarah stayed away from her house until I brought it over. So I put it in her bathroom and rearranged her room and hid in her closet. Her expression was priceless! I'm so glad she likes her gift. Then Sarah, Adam, and I went to Polser to have a picnic of spaghetti over in a little courtyard. It was so fun! Then Sarah gave me her old English quizzes and tests, since she had Edwards, too. Ha ha, I got all the answers now, sucka!

Came home and Sparknotes'd The Crucible. Sarah said we won't get tested over it this week, but I do need to make sure I know all the characters of Of Mice and Men for sure this week. It'll be so much fun! I'm so looking forward to English class. I told my mom who's all in it and she's like, "So of all the classes, you had to get THAT one with HIM?" Thanks, mom. She always bashes on my friends. I don't care what you think of them, mom. I like them. Like hot damn, if I have to hear that you think Sarah is a little too wild or that Anthony has a crappy attitude or Jamie is lazy and will leave me with all of the work, I'm gonna kill myself. I like them, no matter how crappy or wild or lazy they are.

And now I'm here, writing before I go color my hair and get ready for bed. I hate how over the past week, my face has completely broken out. I usually have super clear skin, but not lately. Bah. Stress? Perhaps. Though I'm not sure why... I'mma wear my new Nightwish shirt tomorrow! <3

xx Hopeless Little One, She's Not Like The Other Girls I Know Marz

Da Fuh?

Hmmm. Odd day.

So Sarah and Heather left and I spent my afternoon cleaning my room. Jamie came over and brought me a pretty necklace she made me and we ended up hanging out for a bit. She really wanted to do mime makeup for the show in LESS THAN A WEEK!, so we took a drive over to Party City to get some makeup.

Fate is either smiling upon me or smiting me, because right when we were parking, Jamie screamed and pointed out the window. Before a word was spoken, I recognized exactly who she was pointing at, also going into the same establishment as we were. I always see people at Party City that I don't expect... it was just kind of awkward. Like, I wish I said more and didn't act so scared. My heart was pounding faster than ever and words were hard to form. My hands wouldn't stop shaking for ten minutes! I remember we giggled about it for a good long while :)

Such a weird trip. I swear, the other day when me, Heather, and Sarah were in the car, I'm pretty sure that red hearse that pulled out of Anthony's was Wes. No one else has a red hearse. I didn't see his Triforce sticker... hmm. We're such good friends with our matching Triforce stickers. What a tool.

So Jamie came over and we did show make up! I did Crow face and she did hearts. It looked pretty cool, especially when we went to Shelby's and her mom answered the door and announced to the house that KISS had arrived. Ha ha, sorry Shelby & family. Then Jamie left and it was back to normal Sunday night... delicious Italian sausage and peppers with a fresh tomato sauce on pasta, southern Italian style chicken, potatoes baked with artichokes, and strawberry shortcake. Pretty good night.

And so then I figured, hell, let's finish the painting. The one of the angel. I popped in Corpse Bride and set to work... I finished one of the wings and redid a ton of the feathers... damn, those feathers took a long time. It looks great from a distance, but up close, you can see all the sloppy marks. Blehhh. I hope Mrs. K doesn't get mad at how sloppy I've gotten. Or maybe it isn't slop... maybe it's style? Hmmm.

You know, it's interesting how my friends view my current... state of being and goals. Heather full on supports me because as long as it makes me happy, what should stop me? Sarah is firmly against it, saying I'll only hurt myself more. Jamie is... iffy, I guess. She doesn't approve, I don't think, but she kind of understands why I want the things I want. Is it worth the hurt and suffering? It was once, and I can handle it again.

xx Just Promise To Keep Your Heart Broken Marz

THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

So Sarah and Heather came by my house yesterday after their interviews at Sweet & Sassy and we ended up hanging out, having dinner, and sleeping over. We went to Sephora and Ulta to find make up, but Sarah had to freaking touch EVERYTHING and drop them on the ground because they had open samples. My God, she is worse than a five year old. Finally, me and Heather told her "This is why we can't have nice things!"

We did make up all night... As we'd call it, Super Sexy Make Up Party. Heather did this hot green, gold, and black on me for Ivy and I did a sexy smoky cat eye on her for, surprise surprise, Catwoman. Sarah just gets to be white, ha ha. Heather put on her full outfit and man, she looks really good in it. Like, the boots make her look tall and lean and pretty good looking. Makes me sad because I have fat legs and I have to bear all for Ivy and Raven :( On the plus, I get to cover myself in that honey glitter stuff... it doesn't smell like honey. Actually, it doesn't smell bad, but it doesn't smell good, either. I'll definitely put a little extra spray on.

So today, after they left, I watched part two of Syfy's Alice. OH MY GOD, IT WAS SUCH A GOOD SHOW. The Mad Hatter has always been my favorite AiW character, but the Hatter in Syfy's Alice was to DIE for. He looks a bit like Jim Sturgess... those hot British guys ;P But he's so adorable and I LOVE his personality and the ending had me squealing with happiness. Alice didn't trust him until he came back and saved her because he loved her! Then when she was going to back to her world, I was hoping she'd take him with her, but they just hugged and she was off :( BUT THEN HE SHOWED UP IN HER WORLD! And they kissed and hugged and "I missed you so much!" and awwwww, happy ending! I love it! She turned down the King of Wonderland to be with the Hatter <3 He's totally my current actor crush.

I'll be your Alice if you'll be my Hatter <3

xx If You Be The One To Cut Me, I'll Bleed Forever Marz

I PASSED ALGEBRAAAA

WITH A 70! I made a 59 on my final, so that brought my grade down from a 73, but she still hasn't put in my last test grade, which I'm hoping will raise my grade by... a point or two. Bahh. But I PASSED! I have all A's in everything else and got A's on those finals, too.

So after school, Sarah, Heather, and I were going to go to Mooyah for an Urban Picnic in my car. Well we're trying to leave and Wes gets all pissy because he wanted to hang out with Heather, blahh blahh... so she started getting pissed at how immature he was being and instead of hanging out with him, hung out with me and Sarah all day. That's right! But he showed up at her house and apologized with flowers, so that's good. I wish I had a boy that would do that D: So after that, we all met up at Sarah's to have a sexy sleepover.

We spent all night looking up costume stuff and watching 'Batman Returns' and 'Batman and Robin'. Fun movies :) So we're gonna wear sexy Siren outfits to the rave at A-Kon. Thing is, I can't find a hot green dress anywhere! I sort of found one at Macy's, but it's $60 D:.

We woke up at 10 because that whore Heather wanted McDonalds for breakfast. So we drove over there, got nasty food, and ate it in some tower in Castle Hills. Since we didn't have to paint the floor, we decided to go to Stonebriar and look for some sexy body glitter for my costume. Luckily, we found some awesome stuff at Sephora! It's glitter that tastes like honey... I wouldn't eat it, but it's got such a pretty shimmer! I'll go buy it in a few weeks... It's $26 :P

And then I came home and took ornaments off the tree. Now normally, I like being alone. But for some reason, I just can't do the tree alone. So I asked Alessio to come help me... and then I felt better. It's strange. Kinda bummed around the house today, until dad came home and we went out to dinner for once. Like, it's so weird going out to eat because we NEVER do.

Bahh. I uploaded my Sweeney and Raven pictures on cosplay.com and started searching for Gundam costumes. Not characters, but legit mecha suits. I started reading about ways to make it and sort of got hooked... Like, I even sat down and sketched the body of Burning Gundam on a female body, to see how crappy it would look. It's not as hard as I'm thinking it is, so I'm hoping maybe I'll accomplish it someday.

Oh! My Nightwish calendar came in the mail! I've been so lost without a calendar :P This one isn't as cool... it's pink and black and white and there's not a lot of room to write stuff on the days :( But I also got a Dark Passion Play shirt, so it's all good! More black band shirts <3

xx Remember When I Swore Love Was Never Ending, That You And I Would Never Die Marz

Analysis Thursday: Sonnet 54

New game: Every Thursday, I'm going to analyze something. This Thursday, as I sit in in last Web Mastering class, I'd like to analyze Sonnet 54 by Shakespeare.

O! how much more doth beauty beauteous seem
By that sweet ornament which truth doth give.
The rose looks fair, but fairer we it deem
For that sweet odour, which doth in it live.
The canker blooms have full as deep a dye
As the perfumed tincture of the roses,
Hang on such thorns, and play as wantonly
When summer's breath their masked buds discloses:
But, for their virtue only is their show,
They live unwoo'd, and unrespected fade;
Die to themselves. Sweet roses do not so;
Of their sweet deaths are sweetest odours made:
And so of you, beauteous and lovely youth,
When that shall vade, my verse distills your truth.

It starts out by saying how lovely beauty is when seen with integrity. Roses are beautiful, but even more so because of their sweet smell. On the other hand, dog roses (the less appealing roses), which are just as bright, smell just as lovely, have the same thorns, and sway in the same way when the wind blows, are doomed. Because these weeds don't look pretty, they will live in lonliness and die unnoticed. Roses, however, will fourish and even after they die, will leave behind a most beautiful scent. The young and beautiful person's beauty will die only when the words die.

How interesting, when you think about it. Ironic how roses and weeds face the same kind of discrimination that we do in everday life. We put so much emphsis on beauty that only the lucky ones are mentioned. The rest of us less attractive nobodies remain in the shadows, alone, until a sad and unnoticed passing. Would the weeds be missed? Of course not. Are the weeds even noticed while alive? Most likely not.

I feel that I might become the dog rose: lovely in my own way and made of the same things as the beautiful rose, but lacking in qualities that would be found attractive. Hmm. It's an interesting "what if?" to contemplate.

xx From The First Kisses To The Very Last Hugs Marz

New Fish!

I bought Friendship Fish with Sarah and Heather! We went to Petsmart and they helped me pick out some new fish, since Brandon (the little demon crow fish bastard) finally died. I bought a black molly named Rasmus, after Lauri's dark hair with crow feathers, a silver molly named Nightfish, as a play on words to Nightwish (but Nightfish is the name of Tuomas's boat in Finland), and a ghost catfish named Sonata, after Sonata Arctica. Sonata is the coolest fish ever! I believe they're all females... Sonata is completely transparent, so all you see is her spine and her eyes. It's creepy because I can never find her!

The fish lady told me that mollies are live breeders, so if I got male fish, I could easily start breeding my own fish! I'll need a bigger tank... I'm so excited to have new friends! I want to go back and buy more fish, but there's not enough room :P

Today was easy. No therapy, so I slept in an extra 30 minutes. Got to school and straightened my hair. I haven't fully straightened it since November, for the hot date. It's getting pretty long... almost enough to cover my chest, but there's still underboob as Alli would say, so no mermaid. :P It needs to be longer, though, so when I curl it, it will look pretty. Almost there...

Took my history exam. That test was easy as balls... I'm really good at history. Then in algebra, we kind of went over the review and hot damn, I'm gonna fail. Like, I don't remember anything we learned. Too many rules! Luckily, we're getting 5 pages of notes to use. I'll still fail... Heather and Jamie said it was pretty hard, so... D: I don't want to fail the class. I have a 73 because she didn't put in my latest test grade, which should help bring my grade up a bit, because I'm positive that I did reasonably well compared to my other tests, where I usually make 50's or 60's. Gahhh. I'm scared.

Web mastering will be a bit harder than I thought, because the written stuff is really confusing. I can make a website, but defining terms and all that jazz isn't easy. What tool bar does what? Well, I don't know. But it's such bull that we don't need a technology credit anymore! When I heard that, I got mad because I just spent a whole semester in web mastering, when I could have taken art or something! Gah, such crap. Oh well.

I'm looking forward to next semester very much. It'll be really fun and interesting. Jamie and I have to go over The Crucible this weekend... I sure didn't read it.

xx Conscience Clear, I'm Still Standing Here Marz

Waking Up Early Sucks

Bahhh. Two days of therapy back to back is work... I'm so sore. My back and shoulders are in pain and I'm so out of it in the mornings. Ha ha, so I was sitting down today getting iced and a stem shock therapy session when 'Fireflies' comes on the radio. I smiled and sang along in my head, enjoying it. About halfway through the song, my therapists go "Oh that song is AWFUL. I HATE it! Music these days... It's such a dumb song..." and then they change it to freakin' Celine Dion. Like, really? Dislike.

The hospital always weirds me out. I dunno, there's just always so many people around. I feel so out of place surrounded by old people with ten different health problems and I just have bum shoulders.

Lazy day... Worked on my review in history, which I'll beast the exam tomorrow. I'm really good at history. In Algebra, we went over (which means got the answers to) half the review and then didn't do the rest due to laziness... we actually watched my teacher's 1996 pep rally form her high school when she was a senior. When the colorguard performed, she looked back at me and told me to hide my eyes from the horror. I hate that feeling when everyone turns around and looks at you. I felt my face blush right red, but I tried to keep cool. I never say a word in that class... I don't have any friends there. In web mastering, I finished my final exam web site and spent the last half of class reading about Harry Potter stuff. Ha ha, best waste of time ever.

Came home... Ate delicious shrimp scampi, then went back to school to watch guard practice and to get my costume fitted. They're so cute! I love them because the bottoms of them are like my skirt pants, only these ones are black with glittery pinstripes. And HOLY CRAP. That glitter gets EVERYWHERE. Me and Lisa thought it'd be funny to give Anthony a nice hug/glomp while wearing them. I love the striped gauntlets, too, with the little frilly top. The costumes are just so dang cute and the show is so musical and exciting that I kind of want to cry. I know I will, when we get to the first show and we have our little 'Arafa rafa rafa rafa colorguard woot!" circle. Bahhh.

So tomorrow, Heather and Sarah will come with me to get new friendship fish, since Johnny and Brandon died. I want new colorful fish, not betas. I'll probably give them awesome names like Kamelot, Rasmus, Nightfish, Sonata, and Epica. Pattern? They're all based off of or are names of my fave symphonic metal bands :) Rasmus and Nightfish for sure. The others... well, they're iffy. I could also name some of them Krypteria, Therion, Arctica, Sirenia, Tarja, and Livs (Leaves). Ha ha, we shall see!

xx Let It Rain, Why Can't We Find Love Again Marz

BALLS!

I rear-ended someone today D:

It's not as bad as it sounds... Either she was slowing down really fast or I wasn't slowing down fast enough... I ended up hitting her. She had just put on her turn signal and then BAM. Hit. It wasn't bad... just a tap, really. I left three scratches on her bumper. The front of my car was already smashed from some mystery douchebag, so I can't tell what that damage is. Ha ha.

Luckily, we hit RIGHT by the girl's house, so her mom came out and we talked and they were both really nice and honest and they said it was no big deal, but needed to be claimed regardless so... yeah. I called my mom and started crying. She wasn't mad, but she did give me a speech about being careful. I have to tell my dad when he gets home and Mondays are NOT good days for him. I might die tonight. This might be my last blog!

On a different note, it's really something when you know someone's face so well that you can draw it from memory perfectly. I amaze myself sometimes... When I finished, I was almost scared at how much it looked just like the real thing. Maybe Mrs. K will be happy to know I'm drawing real portraits now...

Art from the heart is the purest kind out there. Art means nothing if you didn't put any emotion in it. The painting I did last November is nothing but emotion: An angel with her heart ripped out, dark and shadowed countenance, and a delicate hand touching the place where she used to love before her heart was taken from her, leaving her with a black void in her chest.

Now that's emotion.

xx Fly With The Black Swan Marz

Owl City Over Prom.

Yeah, I'm pretty much sure I'd rather skip prom for Owl City.

I mean, I'm not the school dance kind of person, really. Like sure, it's all a part of the high school experience, but I always have next year. Plus I'd have way more fun at the concert.

I don't have a boyfriend, or even a date. Sure it's still a long ways away, but there's no one I'd even consider going with. Well... I'm a liar, but still. I'm more of a concert girl. It'll be a fab show, and $20 tickets? Yes! So far, Wes, Heather, Sarah, and Adam are in on it. We'll ask a few more people. I'll ask my dad if we can get the limo for that instead of prom :P It's at Nokia anyways, so who wants to drive to that? Not I.

Yesterday I went on adventures with Sarah and Heather. We went to H-Mart, Anime Pop, and Party City. We did yoga, pilates, and Flirty Girl Fitness in my living room. We learned to booty dance and pelvic thrust ;P It was so much fun! Next is the chair dance class. Ha ha! Then Sarah left and Wes and Luke came over to chill for a bit with me and Heather. After they left, Alessio went to a party and my mom took me and Heather out to dinner, then to Garden Ridge to find ivy for my costume. We had waaaay too much fun playing in the flowers! Ha ha, good times.

I waited for Wes and Heather to stop hanging out, and then I went over to her place. I listened to Vanilla Twilight 4 times on the drive over and almost cried on the third time. Ha ha. Then I slept over at Heather's and Sarah backed out on the sleeping over like a lametard. Not as much fun without her! But we had funsies.

And here I am, writing my 500 word final exam essay on teens and drug use. It's really boring and a bit depressing, knowing that my fellow teens are failures. Ha ha. Not all of them, but you know who the druggies are. Bah. Saddening.

xx But I Still Have Just One More Question On My Mind Marz

Canto Della Terra

Means 'Earth Song' in Italian. I'm listening to Sarah Brightman's Symphony album and it is beautiful. She has a lovely voice and her hair is to die for. I hope I become as pretty as she is one day. She has my dream hair... dark curls down her back. Someday, it will be mine!

I woke up from a dream this morning. I was in a church with my parents, I think. I had my arm stretched across the back of the pew. All of the sudden, he comes up out of no where and taps me on the arm. I look back, and he gives me the warmest, most sincere smile ever.

Then my mom came in and freaking woke me up! Balls! I didn't feel like going to therapy and I sure wasn't going to school. Went to the doctor and she said I just have a cold and gunk in my lungs that's making me cough. So I have these antibiotics that I have to take with chocolate :) I won't say no to that. I pretty much camped out on the couch all day. I watched 3 episodes of MADE, tons of That '70s Show, and Mama Mia! Two of the MADEs were about average girls wanting to be beauty pageant queens. The other was about an overweight video game loving guy who wanted to get a girl. Mama Mia! was cute, but reminded me that while Donna has three guys and Sofia has one, I have none. Bahhhhh. At least That '70s Show is funny... when Eric and Donna aren't off being romantic :| Of course I'm still bitter and envious.

I dunno what I want in life anymore. My horoscope has been very positive lately, reminding me to be adventurous and wait for my time in 2010. Will it come sooner? I just want my damn fairy tale already. I'm sick of all this pain, physically and mentally, and all of this stress. BAH. So many choices and too much on my plate. My life is like a scratch board... I wish I could take my knife and scratch away the black to reveal the white pattern. That'd be cool.

xx Blue Since The Day We Parted Marz

Vanilla Twilight

is a song I hate to love and love to hate.

Gah, it's so pretty and the lyrics are adorable, but listening to it is so depressing. It's probably one of the cutest love songs out there and man, it brings me down so hardcore.

I was sad a lot today. I went to the doctor again and he told me that my shoulders still suck and to come see him in a month. Alright... I'm so sick of the hospital. Bah. I'm there three days a week. That's just too long. I hope my shoulders are getting better... I refuse to miss out on my senior marching show.

Speaking of marching shows, I was looking at pictures from Watched band camp. So dorky! I love the few ones I'm in... I'm just livin' my life. Ha ha. So happy spinning. Heather had long hair! It was such a strange sight... Sarah had long hair too, but that's because she cuts it after BOA. I saw pictures of Julie and Carmen and got really sad ): I miss them. I guess Carmen can't call me Dumpywife anymore... that's depressing. Anthony looked skinnier/muscular and dang, Lisa looked super gangly and thin. All of the freshmen did... tiny jerks. I miss band camp where we actually get to be with the band. Sorry Scott, but I don't like your separation.

Today was one of those weird days where I felt confident and I talked to people. In algebra, I actually made a joke with the teacher and talked to another girl. So unnatural! And we got a new boy in that class. He's got a sad disposition... his eyebrows kind of arch up in a timid expression. I don't know what he's like, because he sits on the other side of the room. Oh well. Chris and I locked eyes for the first time in a while. So icy and cold. They're beautiful eyes, but made of frost.

I've started to notice people's eyes... how differently shaped they are. Big eyes, narrow eyes, eyes far apart, eyes close together, long lashed or not. I dunno, it's become a bit of a hobby. It's strange...

And I'm getting sicker. My throat feels like it's on fire and I can feel the sniffles coming. I went out and bought vitamin C pills and I plan on living off of those for the next few days. This kind of sick just makes me so tired and weak. I crawl into bed and start a bracelet, but end up falling asleep quickly.

My bed...

God damn! I hate you so much right now. I can't believe it, but bi-polar is back. Like... UGHHH. I just want to scream! I was so right when school started...I knew fate didn't care for me that much. BAHH. I'm sorry for this, but I'm just so sad and a bit mad at life. I flipped through my Empathica notebook and saw little notes I scribbled about you. I almost erased them, but couldn't bear to do it. One day, when I'm famous, I'll sell that notebook with all of my heart and mind's work in it and some lucky person will read my notes about people on my mind and ask WTF?

xx When I Think Of You, I Don't Feel So Alone Marz

Mein Gott D:

Today was much too surreal. I don't know why I had Chris on my mind... He had this really sad look on his face during Algebra... well that's nothing new, but Gavin said he's super depressed right now. It reminds me of last time he was really depressed... it was because he wanted me, but couldn't have me. Ironic, eh? And then when I was standing outside Baker's room like always with Sarah, Heather, Jamie, and Gavin, he walked by and seriously looked like he was about to lash out and kill someone. Breaks my heart to see him so down.

So I asked Gavin: What's up with him? Why hasn't he talked to me in a year? And Gavin's all like, "Well he's really depressed and blah blah blahhhh" so I finally decided that I'd break the silent vow of silence and send him a text sometime. I do kind of miss him, even if he was just a whiny emo boy. He's a sweet kid. Like the time he took me out to dinner for my birthday. Actually, I spent my birthday with him and Sarah on our picnic in the Nature Preserve. Which means... I've had his jacket since last March. Wow. It just sits on my couch... probably doesn't smell like him anymore. He did have a nice smell. Like cookies, as we'd used to joke :P I don't even remember how that came about... so many German class jokes. I miss German class. It was quite fun.

Goddamn, I hate that shirt. I don't know why it pisses me off so much, but I hate the color. The timing of it is thoroughly ironic, in my mind. Either coincidence or irony! Both are likely culprits! Ha ha. I'm so anal about shirts. Like my certain rules and orders of wearing shirts.

I feel like my horoscope is coming true... just not in the right way that I had in mind. But that's the joy of being a Pisces: one foot in each stream, each going a different direction.

xx Ham and Cheese Marz

Back To Square 1

Ha ha, I've pretty much accepted that I'm back to square one. The idea is kind of exciting... Like, it makes me giggle :) I feel like I did three or four years ago... well, similar feelings. Wow. It's strange... I kind of like this feeling? Makes me feel young again. At the same time, it comes with pain. I know what's been said and what can't happen. However! I'm clever and I think I'll find away to beat the system and get what I want :) That sounds kind of selfish, but! I tend to act too modest, so it's time to have fun.

I found my other mouthpiece today. So now I have three... one was my original, one I borrowed from school, and the other was my replacement. They all look a bit deadly... I wouldn't put that near my mouth for fear of poisoning. POISOOOON! Ha ha, oh good ol days. I miss them. Wow, I'm feeling nostalgic.

I've had a bag of balloons in my purse since November. I gotta find something to do with them. What do you do with 100 balloons? Cubby filling is always fun... my personal fave...

SPEAKING OF NOVEMBER! November 19 is the first official date that will be written on my calendar once I get it in the mail (Nightwish 2010 :D I love my boys and girl... and Emppu's purple guitar <3). Not only is it Poop Day, as proclaimed by Heather's Twilight calendar, but it is the day Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 comes out. I know where I'll be ;) We'll probably dress up again, although this time I'll get a longer skirt to avoid the free show when I bend over.

So... 11 more months :P

Beauty or the Beast?

I can't help but wonder: am I the Beauty or the Beast?

All my life I figured I was the beauty: smart, loves to read, modest, in the shadows of others, dreamer, and adventurous. I hoped maybe by stroke of luck or fate, my paths would cross and I'd be taken to my fantasy world where I'd tame the beast.

And for a while there, I thought I felt that my life was turning into the fairy tale. Although I didn't get my castle or ballgown or giant library, I was enjoying my fantasy. Did the beauty finally find her beast? I believed so. But just a bit ago, I was listening to Anette's version of 'Ghost Love Score' and I finally understood the lyrics, partially because Tarja wasn't singing :P At the end, the lines go

"Relive the old sin of Adam and Eve
Of you and me
Forgive the adoring beast

Redeem me into childhood
Show me myself without the shell"

Have I turned into the beast? The adoring beast? Have I turned bitter, hopeless, rough, and wild? To quote Nightwish's 'Beauty and the Beast': "All I ever wanted, I will never have" Perhaps I am turning into the beast.

But is there beauty in the beast? There must be, or else the beast wouldn't exist.

"However cold the wind and rain
I'll be there to ease up your pain
However cruel the mirrors of sin
Remember, beauty is found within"

An interesting concept to contemplate.

xx Beauty of the Beast Marz

And So The Year Begins

My God, last night was way too fun. I spent the evening at Jamie's with her friend Tiffany. After some good New Year's Eve fun and some strange concoctions, we found ourselves dancing to rap music. Then we baked brownies in homecoming dresses and danced on the counters... Well Jamie did :P Tiff and I just laughed and danced on the floor.

We watched Wild Hogs and Step Brothers... oh my God, so many funny quotes from last night, mostly from Jamie. I can't even begin to get into the festivities... top secret ;) We watched the ball drop and mellowed out... until two more Creekveiw girls came. Then we got a bit wild again. Sarah came over, too, since she got done babysitting early. BAHAHAHA.She went to the bathroom and after she was in there for a minute, I ran at the door and it flew open and she freaked. That was way too funny!

Blehhh. It was getting late and I followed Sarah back to her house to meet up with Heather. We then hung out and Watched 500 Days of Summer and Paranormal Activity. Heather was talking to Wes on the phone... arguing, of course, because she didn't want to go to his party because she would be bored out of her mind. Why can't he just think of her before getting pissy like that? Girls don't like being ignored. So there's no use in making her go to a party where she'd just get ignored. Props to you for not going, Heather.

We ate Dr Pepper jelly beans all night... my stomach wasn't happy and my throat was dry. Even today, when I was on my way to the gym, I was trying to sing to The Rasmus,but my voice was shot. (LIKE THE RASMUS SONG.) Ha ha. I saw Mr. Magnanti at the gym today. He saw me, gave me a point and a stare, and retreated back to the locker room. Then I saw him swimming a few minutes later. Bahaha, he has too many nerdy tattoos. Who gets the infiniti symbol on their chest? I've seen the arm one, but never the chest one. Wow, that sounds kind of creepy.

So after talking to the guy at LA Fitness, I came home and bummed around. Made this new layout in an hour... Luckily for me, I'm a breast at recycling graphics :P I stole this image from my desktop that I made a month ago and just added new lyrics. Too bad I don't have music per se, as the quote suggests, but the meaning is the same. Silent devotion. That's me. And I finished one of Wes's shoes. It looks so badass!

New Year's Resolution? Be free. Enjoy my life. Don't let negativity linger in my soul. Find happiness. There's so much out there to experience. Love, and be loved. Make a difference. Establish my place in life.

xx New Year Marz