Busy Week!

So mobile blogging is a paaaaiinnn. I can't wait to have real internet! It's gonna be a busy week, since I have Crow stuff to do tomorrow, and I'm not sure what Tuesday is, but Wednesday is the first day of junior year! I feel so done, yet so behind. I still need to unpack my life here at the apartment!

What's life been like? It's been nightly hangouts with Heather, Sumner, and Dorian. Like three nights in a row now. I'm not complaining, cause we have fuuunnnnn. Asylum is a fantastic show! I'm so excited to watch it end tomorrow.

What's life been like... I've had more daily mood cycling versus weekly cycling, which I'm not sure is good or bad. I guess it's bad in the sense that smaller things throughout the day set me off, but can also pick me up just the same. I've noticed a lot of weird ticks too, like moving my fingers weird and having strangely spaced out thoughts. Not to mention my stomach is horribly upset. It makes me hungry, but I can only eat a little bit, and so I never get a full meal really. Womp womp.

Although I have gotten really good at weeding out the ridiculous thoughts versus the rational ones. Basically, I just ask myself if mom would have said what I just thought and if it's a yes, then I need to look at the rational version of the thought! Easy trick that keeps me from turning crazy :P

It's 4:21 am and I'm wide awake. This can't be good!

xx Your Past Is So Familiar Marz

What Does It Matter.

Let's open up with the spoken lyrics of El Tango de Roxanne from Moulin Rouge. That sums up tonight, doesn't it.

"First there is desire
Then... passion!
Then... suspicion! 
Jealousy! Anger! Betrayal! 
Where love is for the highest bidder,
There can be no trust! 
Without trust,
There is no love!
Jealousy. 
Yes, jealousy... 
Will drive you... mad!"

Why do I even try. I was dishonest once and it destroyed everything. When I'm honest now, nothing seems to ever be okay. I feel like I can't win or even find anything to sacrifice so that I lose. I'm tired of crying, then feeling content and loved, then going back to crying again. It's like the girl in the movie said earlier, being schizo or bipolar is one of the hardest things in a relationship. I just have no idea what to do if there isn't any trust in me. That was probably the most hurtful thing I've heard in months. I have no idea where to go from here.

Belle's Ball Gown

So for the last two days, I've been researching hoop skirts and ball gowns, petticoats and slips, all sorts of fabrics and rushing styles... I'm so ready to make Belle's ball gown! I've decided exactly how I'm going to construct the dress so that it doesn't look gross and bunchy like people make it. I don't understand why they use such small panels and then when they ruche it, it just looks so gross. And they use taffeta! Noooo! And they make it an A-line, or don't use a hoop skirt...

My dress will start with a five hoop hoop skirt. I'll build up a nice petticoat out of tulle to make it poofy and hide the hoops, with a pretty lace trim on the bottom hem. The gown itself will be made of a bright gold satin with a lighter chiffon skirt overlay that is lightly draped along the vertical seams. The bodice will be a darker yellow satin with draped chiffon sleeves. The skirt swags will be a darker gold chiffon. Matching sleeves.

Nothing will make me happier than when I have the time and money to make this. Although I've budgeted it well enough that it won't be so expensive as it seems it should be. Hell, if it looks nice enough, I'll wear it to my wedding. Then I have to make her blue dress, and the green dress, and the pink one and the Christmas one... SO MANY. I LOVE THAT SHE WEARS FIVE DRESSES.

xx I Wonder Why I Didn't See It There Before Marz

Sad Batman Is Sad

No idea why that popped into my head, but it did. Good news is my wigs came in today and I had fun styling them. Bad news is those two high school memories are bugging me, which is filling me with dread because my gut has an odd idea of life right now. In a way, no matter what happens, I know I'll be okayishsortofnotreally.

Maybe I'm freaking myself out for no reason. Like that's never happened. At the same time, everything feels justified and totally plausable. It's the uncertainty.

xx Come What May I Will Love You Til My Dying Day Marz