Day 6 // Packing for San An

So I'm packing up my bags for San Antonio. Actually, I'm on the phone with Jamie and blogging instead. I've been drawing on my suitcase because... I like drawing on suitcases. Ha ha, I dunno. Art kids do weird things.

Today was the last day I'll ever have marching band practice on the cement field. The feeling was so weird, because... for the past four years, we've LIVED on that field. You learn to love the cement and all the dots become your friends. It's sad leaving it for good :( Gosh, this week has gone by so fast. I can't believe it's already time for BOA and State. I don't think I'll be able to blog tomorrow, but hopefully Saturday at least. Yay for mobile blogging! I love it :) I BEAT HIM! 4-2.

OH MY GOD MY HOROSCOPE WAS THE MOST RIGHT IT'S EVER BEEN.
You may have gotten used to living a certain way that you aren't very happy with. (YEAH.) This might mean you have big financial challenges (LACK OF WORK HOURS!) that keep you feeling insecure. It might mean that there has not been reliable, long lasting love in your life (KARL.), that has left you alone and lonely. (STORY OF MY LIFE.) It might also mean that you feel dissatisfied with your work, school, or personal pursuits. Whatever is top of mind today for you, Pisces, know that you will soon find the fulfillment you seek--on a small scale at first, but if you are open to it, your life will bloom.

Day Six: Something You Hope You Never Have To Do
I hope I never have to sell my body for drug money.

xx We're Dead To The World Marz

Day 5 // Focus of Loci

Focus of Loci was a term we learned in psychology where you credit things to either internal or external sources. Baker described it in the sense that if you associate an idea with an object, you'll remember the idea when you see the object. For example, if you credit the quadratic equation to a radio, you'll think of the equation whenever you see the radio.

Same thing happened at work.

See, I got into a sort of routine of rolling silverware with the idea of going to Canes right after to see Karl (BTDubs, I lost today. 4-1) and this made me happy. So rolling silverware thus made me think of him. Focus of loci in action! It sucks, especially when I drive home because I got down Midway and hey! Guess who works on Midway! Yeah :/ But people at work called him an ass for dumping me, yeah!

OH YEAH. And today would have been two months together. Ha ha, psych. Is funny because I single and angry and he single and happy.

Day 5: Something You Hope To Do In Your Life
I hope to fall in love. Like, real love. I don't want to turn out like my parents or deal with divorce. I hope to find someone that really makes me happy and will always be there for me, til death do us part. So girly, I know, but I'm secretly a mushy romantic at heart, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF. AHEM. KARL. Anyways.

xx Would You Die Tonight For Love And Join Me In Death Marz

Day 4 // Terrible Tuesdays!

Another terrible Tuesday. Woke up after about 4 hours of sleep and was a walking zombie all morning. Scott gave us another speech, this time about leadership and winterguard. Then off to math where we took a THEA and I had myself a nice nap after :) I love naps.

Art's getting intense now that it's all about that concentration. I feel pretty strong about my ideas so far, so hopefully it'll all be good! One project a week... I can do it. I'll just have to stay after one or two days. And tonight is our last Tuesday night rehearsal E-V-E-R! Thank God :) So done with that!

Ha ha, funny test question today. It was one of those reasoning questions that listed the following facts and asked me to find a truth about Carl:
1. Everyone wearing a hat had brown hair
2. Everyone with brown hair loves pizza
3. Some people had red hair
4. Everyone with red hair loves burgers
5. Carl has brown hair

Where was the option of "Carl broke my heart"?

I tried racing Karl home again today, but his car's too fast and I picked a bad lane to drive in. I won yesterday, so this makes us 3 for 1. Yeah I'm keeping tabs, how lame. But I went and got Kat Von D's new book that I'll get signed by her in less than two weeks :) So exciting! Gotta get through this weekend first, though.

Day Four: Something You Have To Forgive Someone For
To two of my exes, I have to forgive you for causing me pain. Even though it felt like you were kicking me with spiked boots, I forgive you. It was bound to happen.

xx Dream Yourself Far Away Marz

Uuuuhh.

Ian and I made up today, much to my relief and happiness.
I sent a message to Austin asking what the hell his problem is/was.
I had a secret race with Karl and won.
I had a truly heartfelt chat with David, who put a smile on my face.

:O Am I getting ballsy or what?!

xx It Split The Night Marz

Day 3 // OMG Annette's Hair!

Yay! Anette dyed her hair black again, just like she did in the young days of Dark Passion Play. I love the dark look on her :) She's gorgeous! I mean, she was pretty as a blonde, but she shines now as a black haired beauty. Ahhhhh.

Today was... trippy. Too much guard drama and it all goes back to Cristina. Go figure :/ Relatively good day, but things got super crazy when I got home. Ian sent me a message! I was literally in shock when I saw the update on my phone. I was like a crazy mix of excited and scared, but it turned out alright. Wow, this is great! Maybe this is what my horoscope meant yesterday.

Today it says "There are great things in store for you, Pisces. But first you have to acknowledge what needs to change in your life, and then change it." WOW, SOUNDS JUST LIKE WHAT KARL AND I TALKED ABOUT. Ha ha, anyways... I'm not bitter :P Seriously! That wasn't sarcasm!

Day 3: Something You Have To Forgive Yourself For
I'd have to forgive myself for being such an ass to people. That's all I can really say on that question. I'd have to forgive myself for all the pain and hurt I've caused people as a result of my playful meanness.

xx Follow The Pale Moonlight Marz

Day 2 // Modeling

So today I helped out Shelly with her photography project! I styled a fauxhawk and rocked some pretty rocker chic threads :) We went and got my makeup done all nice and GOOD GOD I have long ass lashes! It was so much fun taking pictures with her and now I'll have some to post on Vampire Freaks so I can apply to be a model :3 Not gonna happen, but still fun to try out! Ha ha, I need something to do :P

Weird thing... I totally had a dream about Ian last night. And I guess he was right after all, but still wrong on so many things. Gahh. I feel like we both ended things so immaturely. Like, part of me wants to talk to him again and make things right, but the other part of me thinks he doesn't want anything to do with me. Lame, this sucks.

Totally saw Karl driving down Hebron. Dammit!

Day 2: Something You Love About Yourself
I love my creativity and ability to day dream :) I love seeing things past their surface value. I love thinking of fantastical things that transcend the everyday, and then being able to bring them to life through paintings, drawings, and stories. Even if no one else knows about what goes through my mind, I can live sanely knowing that I'm happy in my own Empathica. I live in the clouds and ignore the evils of the world.

xx I End My Story As I Receive A Kiss Marz

Day 1 // OMG AREA :D

Woo hoo, we made State AND came in second place to Marcus, beating LD Bell! How amazing! Great day, considering there was a tornado/monsoon going on outside and we were all sleeping on each other for three hours under the stands. How crazy :)

So on Vampire Freaks, I found a post with a 30 Days of Truths Challenge, and I think I'll start it. Who knows, it could be fun!

Day One: Something You Hate About Yourself
I'm pretty content with myself, but I guess what I hate most is that I'm not good at showing emotion or how I really feel. I'm a pretty apathetic person usually, and when I'm really excited you can tell, but there are also a slew of emotions I have a hard time displaying. I feel so strongly on the inside, believe me! I just hate that they don't get displayed right and people get the wrong idea :/ I'm not bitter or heartless, I'm just a bit more introverted than most. It takes me a bit of time to open up, which apparently isn't fast enough for SOME PEOPLE. Oh well, those that did wait around long enough for me are my truest and favorite people. That's love right there.

But I like myself.

xx Her Beauty Being Much More Than I Could Endure Marz

How Drab

So my last seven or so posts have all been about Karl. Wow. And while I do care dearly for the kid, I guess I really should write about other things, ha ha.

Oh my gosh, Anette named the baby Nemo! That's amazingly... Nightwish ;) I love the name, or lack thereof, since Nemo means nameless. How clever regardless!

I'm currently working on my stupid principals book for art class... Damn, if this hasn't taught me procrastination, I don't know what will. I'm so ready to be done, but I'm only like, halfway there :( So much more to do, like all the writing and BINDING THE DAMN THING. Oh gosh, I need a plan!

No morning rehearsal tomorrow THANK GOD. I can has sleep in?! Yes :) It's gonna be a crazy weekend, with football tomorrow, then Area on Saturday (I hope we make State!), and then photoshoot with Shelly on Sunday. So exciting! I love photoshoots :)

I'm all done being sad now. I don't know what that was... biannual breakdown? Oh well, it's done with now. Life resumes and continues to be awesome. Time to finish this project!

xx Gettin' Slizzard Marz (Just Kidding)

Talking To Karl

Was great!

Not gonna lie, though. I've been nervous about it all day. I was mostly scared that he'd corner me with his logic, but shockingly, he stayed really silent and actually saw what I was saying. He understood me. He did bring up some things that made me cringe, but I got over it and told him how I felt and what I thought of the situation.

Things went by well. He told me exactly what I wanted to hear: that he felt bad about breaking it off so suddenly. I shouldn't have gone to Canes on Tuesday, though, because he said that based on how he saw me with my friends, that kind of changed his mind for the worse. Dammit. But you know, that's just how I am with my friends. We're all different with different people.

What kind of made me sad was that he brought up his ex and how she set the bar so high. Well I'm not her, and no one's gonna be her. But he says he just wants to be single right now and I'm fine with that. He said maybe soon we might date again. And I think he sincerely meant it, because he brought it up a few times. "Whether or not your next boyfriend is me or someone else..." I dunno, things went well. I told him I don't hate him, and he doesn't seem to hate me, ha ha.

I went into today knowing these things:
- He wasn't going to take me back today
- He was going to assume something about me
- Things would be ok

And I was right about all of them. Even though I denied some of it, the assumption he made about me was pretty much true. He's so good at analyzing people. He said that I'm wishing he'd take me back, but in my mind I know it won't happen anytime soon, but I'm not gonna give up hope. Which is true. I really like this kid, and he knew it. He said he could tell I liked him a lot.

So we ended the serious conversation by ensuring that things would be ok and neither of us wanted the other one gone for good. Then we just talked about all the other random shit in our lives, ha ha. Just hanging out and laughing like we used to. He even initiated a hug goodbye, which totally took me by shock and I welcomed it very much :)

He says things are gonna be ok, probably better this way. And things will keep getting better. And all I can do is trust him at this point, and hope for the best for both of us.

xx Marz

Tomorrow's It!

Tomorrow
I'm gonna tell him how I feel.
I'm gonna tell him why he was wrong.
I'm gonna tell him what he threw away.
I'm gonna tell him that his means of reasoning are too serious.
I'm gonna try and win him back.

xx Take Me With You Back To Wonderland Marz

You Know

If we kept our contact as it is now, things would be seriously ok.

I mean,
it's not like he has a Facebook I can check and see updates from.
I mean,
it's not like he's in band and I have to see him six days a week.
I mean,
it's not like we have class together or see each other in the halls.
I mean,
it's not like we have any business seeing each other.

Too bad. I asked to talk to him and we're gonna see each other on Wednesday. Now I just have to organize my thoughts so I come off as convincing.

I'm not ready for this to be over.

xx Where Angels Lead The Way Marz

Tonight, Tonight

Tonight is such a gorgeous night.
It's the night we talked about experiencing.
It's the time of the year we both love.
It's almost close to the end of marching season.
We had plans for after marching season.
Didn't we?

Jk, you wrote me out of your life.

xx I'll Watch The Night Turn Light Blue Marz

I'm Done Buying Dresses

The last two times I bought dresses intended for a night out with my boyfriend, they end up dumping me a few days later. Is this the start of a trend?

What scares me most is his horoscope from yesterday. While I was reading it out loud to my friends, we all kind of laughed at how tragic it sounded. It literally said that now was the time for him to end a personal relationship with someone. Then everyone placed bets on us and how long we'd last, ect.

Then the afternoon rolls around.

At this exact frozen moment in time, I don't hate him. Like last night when we were texting, he sounded sincere in making sure that if I needed him for something, I could ask. He also said that he was sure I could find someone less mellow than him to make me happier. Then I thought of our strange means of how we met up, and the thought scared me. Not to sound dramatic, which I'm not, but bluntly, there's really no one at school I find dateable, unless, like Karl, they're just people who I've never seen at school before, but have been there all the time. And I know there's so many more fish in the sea, but I liked him. I thought we were seriously gonna get over that rough patch and have a whole new perspective on each other. Yeah right.

But I don't hate him. In his logical mind, he's doing what's best for him and what he thinks would be best for me. Sometimes I wish he'd ask before making these assumptions, but maybe he's right. Maybe I really am too idealistic. He sees windmills, and I see giants. And I guess since we never see each other at school, this will be fine, because I can "get over" him faster. But I'm kind of already over him, I guess. Gosh, that sounds so harsh.

I'll never forget our time together. He's got so many huge goals and he's absolutely brilliant and an amazing guy. He's got a passion and pursues it, and knows how to treat a girl. He's a great catch, but I guess not the right one for me.

Oh well. I hope that if I run into him at Canes, things are ok. They should be. I'm totally fine. So fine, I'm painting.

xx We Were Barely 18 When We Crossed Collective Hearts Marz

Fuhhhhh.

Finally mom noticed I've been eating less.
I cried twice for no reason.
I painted another piece of an angel with extenstions out of her chest.
I have no voice.
I might not get to perform this weekend.
I lost my shoulder to lean on.
I miss him.

xx Scares The Hell Outta Me, And The End Is All I Can See Marz

All Good Things Must Come To An End

So Karl and I decided to split today.

I mean, I saw it coming. Ever since those texts where I got called out and kicked while I was down, I was afraid this was coming. But then I thought things were getting better.

Ha ha, just kidding. When we were walking to my car today, he was being quiet, too quiet. I knew this was gonna happen, I just knew it. Anthony did the exact same thing. I tried to tell myself that he was just really tired form working late last night, and I was almost convinced, but I knew better. So we sat over some coffee and talked it out.

He's right. While we do both like each other as people, we don't have much romantic chemistry. I'm too idealistic, and he's too realistic. We truly are from opposite ends of the spectrum, and I'm starting to notice a pattern here. Plus we kinda rushed into dating, after only really knowing each other for two or three weeks. I'm thinking of today and how I feel, and he thinks of the future and what he has to do to get there. I guess it just doesn't work out.

I'm not sad. I'm not satisfied, either. I'm just sort of... apathetic? There's a burning in my stomach, but this time it's not from the medicine. I'm not sure what it is, but it's all I'm feeling, a burning sensation.

And to think I wrote a wonderful note about him in my Do Not Open Til March 16, 2011 box. I guess it's time to write another note.

xx Don't You Cry Or Suffer Over Me Marz

I'm Not Affectionate?

I have to time things?
I seem less than convinced that you're dating me for more than affection?
I'm not interested in affection?
And I show it with my actions?
I never have the urge to just kiss you?

And I'm just not such a romantic like you?

Do you even know me and what I've gone through?

xx Like Hate And Love, Worlds Apart Marz

If I Had Children

This is what I'd name them.

Girls
Ara Grey (Yes, two first names. How awesome :3)
Eva
Cadence (Cadi)
Calyx
Emery

Boys
October
Davin
Gavin

xx When I Grow Up, I Won't Just Buy You A Rose, I'll Buy You The Flower Shop Marz

Seeing Your Face Today

Made me remember why I said yes.

I missed you.

xx Thank You Dearly For Your Time Marz

My Last High School Homecoming

Is tomorrow. I'll be wearing two triple mums, one of self expression and one of friendship. I'm terribly excited, not gonna lie. I don't have enough wall space for four mums, though... Bah, gotta find room. And clean up my rooms. Tits.

Lately things have been slowing down. I'm in a really awkward mindset right now, and I wish I could get it resolved. Isn't it said that distance makes the heart grow fonder? I'm not sure if that's exactly true. It seems that as the days go on, I see you less and less and there is just no time for us to even breathe anymore, with so much going on in our lives. I know it's mostly because it's marching season, but I was expecting a little more effort. No, effort isn't the right word. I dunno, I was just expecting something a touch more. Something special. Sometimes I don't even feel like you exist. Maybe if I brave the storm, I'll wash up on the white shores.

On a more upbeat note, I'm looking forward to a very fast paced weekend. Homecoming, football game, Birdville, homecoming dance, campfire, work, and *hopefully* hanging with Karl on Sunday. Hopefully.

xx I'll Read Him Stories, All Pictures Books, All Filled With Wonder Marz